I am sitting here as Ashley Davies the teenage screw-up, begging down on my knees to die. I want to die, I need to die. I cannot bear the burden my life has placed on my heart; for all these years I have been patient with myself. Today is going to be the end of that road. I no longer want to be present in existence. There is no one here to save me from my fate, so I am making this choice willingly. My death is here and I know I cannot run from it. It is my turn to perish; I am to be swallowed by the fiery pits of hell.
The walk to my parents' room feels like a thousand miles. Searching for my father's gun is no hassle at all. I've done it so many times and it brings a smile to my face as I retrieve it from his sock drawer. I kiss it— hold it close to my heart as if it is not going to kill me. But see the thing is, this gun is going to kill me, and it is its job to kill me.
Afraid of what I can possibly do to myself, I let the tears stream down my flushed cheeks. My dog Sammie who is going to witness this all is sitting in his bed. He runs to my side, does his little bark, and jumps for attention. I pick him up like I always do and kiss his nose. "You know mama loves you right?" He barks again and licks my cheek. "That's right Sammie, I love you too boy!" I smile at him and put him out of the room, it's time.
My mind is swarmed with too many memories from the past. Her drunken episodes and fall to death; it all comes back to me. It surrounds, butchers, and batters me until I can't breathe. Air just isn't meant for me; life isn't meant for me. And the way he hit me, as if I pushed her to it. The way I cut and slit my wrists; how I lit needles until they blazed into a fiery orange-red and illuminated my skin. I deserved all of this, my pain was vital to my happiness and this will all end today.
My selfishness, I just could not control, and I killed her. I killed her with my greedy eyes; my hunger to want, to need, to feel. I killed her. All I ever wanted was to be happy—to be happy. But I just couldn't, I was too selfish, too needy for life. Unrequited love, self pity, self hatred, self denial, hell, I don't know what caused it. I don't fucking know. I do know that Ashley Davies, this teenage screw-up, deserves death, and death it shall be.
My tragic flaw is my love that thrives deeply within my hunger for her, my love for her.
My flaw is tragic and has led me to my end. I am here today, lifting my father's gun to my aching chest. My heart— the organ that has been beaten and butchered for my entire life, this is the only way I can live, to die. This is the only way to cure it, to undo the damage I have caused everyone. This is the only way I know how, the only way I know is right. My fate is to feel the pain that kills, so I finally let in and try to pull the trigger.
"Ashley, stop now!" I look up and that's when I see her. With her long blonde hair and icy blue eyes she is gorgeous. I feel hurt for a second, even betrayed by my fate.
I am jealous too, of her beauty. Why can't I look like that? Why can't I have a family like hers, with two brothers and both parents? Sure Clay is Black and adopted but they are a family. They are perfect, everything I have always wished for. So why can't that be me?
I am Ashley Davies.
I am a horrible person and I don't deserve what she has. I am nothing and I have nothing. That is the bottom line, no explanations or definitions, I am nothing. I deserve all the pain I feel, so why is she saving me?
Why is Spencer Carlin saving me? Of all people she can save she has chosen me, "Why, why are you doing this?" My voice is powerless; not how I intend it to be. "This is my fate, you cannot interfere," I say this a little louder and more clear.
"I'm here for you Ashley, everything will be just fine," She looks at me with those blue eyes and deep down I know it will be ok. But the pain, it won't leave me, it won't lead me to trust her.
"No, no everything will not be ok," I turned my back to her. She ruined it. She ruined this all. This is supposed to be my fate.
"Listen to me Ashley, look at me!" She is so demanding and I have to look at her.
She looks me in the eyes and that is when I break. I cry so hard, and fall to my knees. This hurts so bad, why did she have to come here? She pulls me into her, her heart beating a thousand times a minute, tears streaming down my face and her pressing a tender kiss to my neck.
"Ashley please, it's ok please don't cry," I can hardly breathe, and I'm practically choking from sobbing so hard. So I try to break away from her, but she doesn't let me go. Instead she pulls me closer into her warmth. Her intimacy causes me to cry harder.
"Shh…Ashy I'm here and I'm never going to leave you," She whispers and coos in my ear, telling me nothing will ever hurt me and that she will protect me.
I believe her.
I believe her.
"Please don't leave me, please don't let go," She presses a kiss to my forehead and whisper that I'm safe with her.
"I'll never leave you, I promise."
My sobbing slows down a little and I know she means it. I know she will never leave me, never again.
Spencer Carlin saved my life