How. Could. I. Be. So. Stupid?
Sorry, let me start again. 3 things. 1) I write stories for a living even though I don't have a job. 2) I am a big fan of The Simpsons. 3) One day I just happened to pen down this story as a result of putting two and two together and getting 5. You know that author Commander, who wrote Bigger than That over in the SpongeBob section? This is the Simpsons equivalent of that story. When I first wrote it, I figured it would be great. But now it's ready to be published, the more I look, the less I like.
But hey, I was 12 at the time, all right? I didn't know an oboe from an elbow.
(Heh, elbow. Heh, more band humour.)
But still, I figure it would be a great way to pass the time until Good Times Good Times is finished. And at least it's The Simpsons, right?
This story is set back in Homer Simpson's childhood, back when he was in primary school; 4th grade. But a simple mislaid legend sets Homer, Barney and Lenny on the road to trouble... Rated T for character death, superstition, slight pop culture/sex references and the fact that the song Scream by Michael Jackson is the raw inspiration for it.
From 7th July 2006: Have also added various song lyrics throughout the song to make it more interesting. Both songs made up. Also from 7th July 2006, to make it more authentic, play Michael Jackson's Scream between Paragraphs 5 and 6 (this doesn't count as a paragraph).
Oh boy this isn't gonna be easy. But I'll risk it.
Oh, and I don't own the Simpsons or Bloodstorm, but Sex Through the Ages and the SpooksLaneSnake are mine, Mine I tell you!
OK, here goes. Say goodbye to my sanity, kids. It's gonna get ugly.
Lenny.
Lenny.
Lenny Lenny Lenny.
Stonecutter 12, guy from Sector 7G at the Nuclear Power Plant. Masters Degree in Nuclear Physics. Teaches tobacco spitting.
Yes, Lenny is a great guy. Slightly touched in the head, but a great guy. But there is still one fact you didn't know about him. One dangerous, unknown fact.
You ready for this?
I'm not. But I have no choice.
Lenny…
As a young boy, Lenny…
In the midst of disaster, Lenny…
died.
Died.
Died died DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!
Yes, died.
Actually died.
Honestly goodness to truth died.
How he lives today, no one is certain.
But how he died… that's another question altogether.
3 things might have caused his death.
It could have been the legend, the blasted legend come true.
It could have been the snake, the grass snake with poison fangs.
Or, maybe…
Just maybe…
It could have been the…
SCREAM…
It was a dark and stormy night…
Sorry, I've always wanted to write that. But it was a dark and stormy night. One of the darkest and stormiest of nights you'd ever seen, when Homer Simpson discovered it.
Homer wasn't exactly your average kid. For one thing, he was bald. (Not slap head bald, but just bald.) For another, he was quite stupid. (He shoved crayons up his nose, for goodness sake.) For a third, he was – to the other kids – freaking ugly. Other than that, he was just a regular kid with a regular dad and a regular house.
But all that went away on that Friday the 13th.
(to the tune of That's What I Go To School For - Busted)
It's just an ordinary day
Nothing standing in our way
Double Maths, Double PE
Again we're the last to be picked for the teams
And dodgeball - that wasn't alaugh
Humiliated by the staff
This school (I think I have a hunch)
is only in it for the lunch...
That's what we're leaving school for
It's sagging; it's a real bore
Us falling flat on our faces
That's why we hate those kind of places
That's what we're leaving school for
Skip town and go to the game store
Playing Bloodstorm and Rabid Rabies
(Lenny's here for the naked ladies)
That's what we're leaving school for
That's what we're leaving school for...
After school, Homer, his friend Barney and their best friend Lenny always walked down the block to the local game store. That day was no different.
"Can you believe 'Sex through the Ages' is out today?" (Kids like Homer always thought and said and did slightly stupid things. Homer was, naturally, the same.)
"Nah," scoffed Lenny. "What I'm looking for is Bloodstorm XIII: Return to Bloodstorm III."
Barney bit his lip. "I dunno, Lenny. Are you sure those games are copyrights? As far as I know, Bloodstorm III only just hit the shops." Barney always talked with an element of intelligence and slight doubt. In fact, he was the only brains of the outfit that could be detected.
Suddenly Lenny stopped. "Hey, I have an idea. Let's not go to the game store right now."
The others gasped. Lenny pass up Sex through the Ages AND Bloodstorm XIII, copyright or non-copyright? That was like the mean old head teacher winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
"What do you mean?"
"Whaddya say we stop by THE house instead?"
Homer gulped. He knew what THE house was. "When you say THE house…?"
"Affirmative, Homer. He means… Spooks Lane."
A dusty cough from behind. "Spooks Lane? What a bunch of hogwash!"
Lenny turned. "Aw ma-a-an! It's Drones McDronezo."
"It's Mr Doners to you, sonny!" The aged teacher swiped his cane at the boys. "And I can tell you lads that that Spooks Lane place is just a figment of your imagination."
"But sir, the chances of Spooks Lane being a ordinary home are zero point zero one percent. Spooks Lane has always been a place where ghosts can be found. I mean, not even science will be able to ever deny the truth about the Spooks Lane Snake, Mr Doners."
Homer and Lenny gaped open-mouthed. It wasn't like anyone to mention the legendary Spooks Lane Snake at all, let alone call it by its name in front of a science teacher in the middle of the street with everyone watching.
"Spooks Lane Snake?" Mr Doners scratched his chin. "Simpson, can you tell me about this?"
He gulped. This wasn't going to be easy. But Lenny cut in.
"The Spooks Lane Snake is only the most legendary legend alive. The old owner of Spooks Lane nearly stood on a seemingly ordinary grass snake 22 years ago today. But this snake was a witch in disguise, and later on bit him. That night, his house tumbled down upon him after the washing machine went wrong, and he got smothered in the remains!"
"Lenny, Lenny, Lenny." The teacher shook his head in disbelief. "It is most likely that story was made up by some of the older children to scare you."
"Negative, sir, it's true. Besides it is believed that whomever treads on a grass snake could experience the same fate as – " He turned suddenly, and then gasped. "Homer, no! Not that snake!"
Homer looked down just in time. He'd stepped on a grass snake.
"Come now, boys." Mr Doners looked grim. "This is most likely a prank. Grass snakes don't have the teeth to bite, and even if they did, it wouldn't mean your house would self-destruct. Now run along and get home. No more nonsense."
Somehow this didn't make any of the 3 boys feel any better.
(to the tune of Weekend - Michael Gray)
We can't wait
for the weekend to begin
We've been schooling all week long
We've dreamed the days away
We wanna sing our song
So let the music play
We're having a sleepover at Homer's tonight
And when the clock strikes six this very night
We can finally blow it all away
We can't wait
for the weekend to begin...
"Love the Slap-Up Spaghetti, Mr S," said Lenny in the middle of a strand of spaghetti. "Not too crazy about the Snakes part right now, though."
"Why?"
A "Youch!" from Homer interrupted this one word remark.
Barney ran up to him. "Homer, are you satisfactory?"
A snake held on firmly to his finger. A REAL snake.
A grass snake.
"Hey, wasn't that the same grass snake he stepped on back there when – " Lenny suddenly stopped. His face turned pale. "Uh-oh."
"Affirmative, Lenny. Against all natural self-belief… the parable is beginning to come true."
Abe heard this. "What parable?"
"You mean you've never heard of the Spooks Lane Snake?"
His eyes widened at this. Then they narrowed. "Don't be silly, young whippersnappers. The Spooks Lane Snake is only a fancy little fairy tale. Nothing real – just fiction. Now you boys run on to bed."
Homer still felt worried.
The light was off. He couldn't sleep. It was an anxious sort of night, filled with anxious sorts of noises. And one of those noises was a sound that had never been heard before.
Cling, clang. Crash. A swishing sound. Tinny, yet light.
He turned. Lenny's tossing and turning as his head filled with the nightmares even a devil would cower under.
Despite being a kid of very little brain, Homer deciphered the tinny noise came from the kitchen. And he decided to sneak down to investigate. Lenny's nightmares could wait.
Peeking, he set foot into the kitchen. Suddenly, everything stopped. The noise. The thunderstorm outside. Everything, grinding to a halt.
He took a step.
A noise! Music!
He turned. Nothing there. Silence. His breath quickened, pulse accelerated. He took a very shaky pace backwards.
Again!
He turned, his arm brushing against a glass on the counter. It toppled off, half expecting to break.
It didn't. Just a dull thud. Nothing else. Not a fragment.
This freaked him out more than the thought of shattering glass.
It was here that he decided he ought to get back to Lenny. Any work of the devil was better than this nightmare.
He started for upstairs.
Suddenly, he saw it. The twisting writhing grass snake on the floor. It hissed.
The whole house started crashing down around them.
He let out a long scream.
It echoed into the night…
The next day. Homer emerged from the remains of what used to be his house. His dad was talking to the police, looking downcast.
Out of the rubble he scrambled, panting and shaking. A doctor helped him up. "You OK, little fella?"
His thoughts were somehow fixated on the snake. The snake…
"Where's Barney?"
"Over here, Homer. I heard your scream and got out just in time. I think your father is in good health too."
Suddenly, Homer remembered. "What happened to Lenny? Did you manage to get to Lenny?"
Hesitation. His dad sighed, a sigh of pity, extreme pity. "That was the other part of the legend. The one you didn't need to know about. The man who stepped on the snake? He survived the fall, and got out of it with merely a humongous fright. Like you."
"Oh good. But – if he stayed alive, then who - ?"
More silence. "Someone that that man could always rely on to give him advice. Someone he could talk to about things that concerned him. His best friend, so close to him as a pal it was painful."
His heart skipped a beat. It literally stopped. "You don't mean…"
"Affirmative."
A tear glistened near the bottom of his eye, scared to leave the comfort of the warmness of the socket. Then it trickled down, a tear of sadness, of guilt.
"Oh, Lenny…"
We may never know why Lenny died that day.
All we have are 3 sources.
But which lead to his death?
Legend?
Snake?
Scream?
Hey, I was 12 at the time. 12, insane, whacked up, and I didn't have half the writing talent the people at school say I have right now. Still, it would be nice if you left a quick review now and then. Just to shake things up.
An Embarrased Band8PGeek. (goes into hiding)