The wound on his neck was still as fresh as a knife drilling through his jugular, but Severus Snape barely acknowledged it. That was nothing compared to his great shame, exposing his most vulnerable self to the boy he'd hated for seven years.
Protected, but hated. No, Harry Potter was not his father, not in temperment, but Snape had always felt better blaming the boy. It was easy to blame Harry Potter for everything; James was not around to bear the brunt. No, he'd died on the "right side", while Snape was about to die on the wrong one.
"Take...it..." he mumbled to the brat, holding up the flask filled with his tears.
Cokesworth, Lily, the playground...
Her vile sister, the branch... finding the letter... Dementors, Azkaban... my bloody father...
Potter looked down at the flask, taking it hesistantly. Snape knew in his heart that it was a miracle the boy had come at all, kneeling at his side in his final moments. Potter's moral good and power to forgive was greater than Snape's ever had been.
His heart, it was just as warm and loving Lily's. No, Snape reminded himself, he's every bit the arrogant berk his father was.
The platform, my mother, Lily arguing with Petunia...
our compartment, Potter and Black...
The tears flowed into the flask as Harry Potter held it, his two friends vaguely watching in the background. They were of no consequence at the moment...
The Sorting, Gryffindor... The werewolf, Mary Macdonald, Mulciber...
No!
It was his worst memory, back again too soon. A fresh surge of hate for the young Potter ran through Snape's ebbing blood as he recalled the incident in the Pensieve where the little brat had seen the end of his friendship with Lily, at the hands of that piece of barely-human vermin.
I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!
Fine, I won't bother in the future. And I'd wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus.
No, go away Potter, you little swine!
But he needed to finish this, Snape knew, the Dark Lord still had to be defeated. So as always, Snape allowed himself to suffer in order to complete Dumbledore's grand scheme. It was the story of his life.
At last, his eyes had dried out into the small flask, which Potter closed wordlessly, still kneeling at Snape's side.
Why is he doing this? He hates me, he knows I hate him. He thinks I'm a murderous traitor. I am, anyway.
He was at the very end, Snape could feel his heart beginning to stop as the puddle of his own blood began to soak his black robes.
He needed to see those eyes again, before he died. He needed to leave the world with some sense of peace, after a lifetime of misery, slavery, and regret.
"Look at me..." Snape uttered, barely aware of what he was saying.
He felt the boy's hand on his chin, turning his face to Potter's own, and he saw those eyes, the same eyes he'd been stricken by all those decades ago...
He has his mother's eyes, and her spirit... a better man than his father, and a better man than I...I was wrong about him...
And slowly, the eyes of eternal beauty faded away as Snape's universe went black, his senses failing him. There was no floor below him, no body attached to his soul, just his conciousness floating in blackness.
A feeling of relief swept over Snape. He was dead, away from the mortal coil of misery. At last, he would rest for eternity, and no longer live in the existance he'd reviled.
The memories of his life would fade away, and nothing that had ever happened in the world would matter again...
And then the blackness slowly began to turn white, and Snape could again feel solid ground holding up his body.
The blur of light was clearing up, and Snape realized he was standing on his own two feet again. He could feel his body as well, and the robes he had worn. The wound on his neck was gone, but Snape found himself able to see his hands and feet and move them.
What the ruddy hell was this? Snape looked around, seeing grass and shrubbery around him. But there was something beyond that... it was a playground!
No, it was the playground! Where his life had really began, and had also begun its spiral into eternal misery and depression.
Snape instinctively reached into his cloak for his wand, but realized it was gone with a frustrated jolt.
Not knowing what else to do, Snape walked through the hedges towards the playground. Beyond the slide and monkey bars, he saw a lone figure on the swing set. Snape cringed in annoyance as he took in the appearance of Dumbledore, from his billowing white hair and beard, to his effeminate magenta robes, to his twinkling blue eyes and half-moon glasses.
Why wouldn't the old man let him be?
Dumbledore rose from the swings when he saw Snape, and approached him. Snape remained rooted in place as he gazed stonily at his old master.
"Severus Snape, double agent, a brave man to the end," Albus Dumbledore said, clasping Snape's hand as he approached, "It would appear that at last, you have escaped from the life you hated into the world beyond."
"That is what I had hoped," Snape replied with his usual irony, speaking for the first time since he'd died.
"You don't know how terrible I feel for all you've gone through, Severus," Dumbledore told him, "Incurring the wraths of both the Death Eaters and the Hogwarts staff alike, braving through it knowing you would not be rewarded in the mortal world. A true, selfless hero."
"You forget, Dumbledore, that my original intentions were by no means selfless. I merely joined your noble cause in the hopes of avenging Lily's death." Snape would not accept credit just yet, there was still too much self-loathing within him.
Dumbledore nodded somberly, his mustache twitched downward in a sorrowful frown. "I rememeber as well as you do, Severus. However, you played your part beyond the call of duty, risking your life for a child you hated and a school that brought you nothing but sour memories. You fought gallantly knowing you would receive no gratitude or kindness again in your life."
"I only ever received true kindness from one person, Dumbledore. Only Lily Evans, and even that was cut short by my own blindness."
"You mustn't punish yourself more than the world already has, Severus," Dumbledore said, "I have spent my own life punishing myself for my past, and as a result I was never truly happy in the long years of my life."
"I deserve worse than that!" Snape burst, a wave of emotion coming over him out of nowhere, "I deserve worse than even the Dark Lord! I threw away my only friend, I betrayed her, I..."
"STOP!"
Snape stumbled backwards on the sand and nearly fell onto his back in surprise. Never had he heard Dumbledore speak in such a tone, not even at his angriest.
But Dumbledore's kind, grandfatherly demeanor had returned instantaneously. "Severus, no matter what you have done, you do not deserve to suffer any longer. All that is behind you now. It is time to go on and reap your rewards."
"My rewards?" Snape looked past Dumbledore into the foggy playground, as though hoping to find something else there. Suddenly, Snape's shame began to vanish, replaced by a deep-seated, long-stowed away hope. "Lily?"
Dumbledore's ghostly eyebrows furrowed in suspicion, his mouth twitching into a playfully amused smile at the same time.
"Lily? Is that the reward you want?"
Snape hesitated, his better judgement returning and replacing his brief moment of irrational elation.
"I..." Snape had no idea what he wanted, except to be left in peace. What else was there to do?
"I don't know...sir..." he felt like a schoolboy being told off for sneaking in the corridors after dark. Reminded of his conversation with Dumbledore in his office just after Lily's death, Snape found himself flushing with anger mixed with embarrasment.
Dumbledore raised his hand and pointed into the white glow surrounding the playground.
Snape looked up and saw a circle opening in the air. Through the circle he glimpsed his own self, like a mirror. The Mirror of Erised.
"Sev!" a voice in the hole in the air called out. Mirror-Snape turned around, and gasped in surprised pleasure as a red-haired woman came running towards him.
"Sir, please," real-Snape choked, unable to watch yet unable to turn away, "if I am to be damned, please don't do it like this."
"Lily?"
"Oh, Sev, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything! I was bloody stupid, I never should have ended up with Potter! I should have forgiven you right away for that one mistake, oh Sev, I should have known you really loved me!"
Fake-Lily wrapped her arms around fake-Snape and hugged him tightly, crying into his shoulder. "You're a real hero, Sev, I can never repay you enough for all you've done, for Harry and for me! I wish we could just... start over together."
"But we can, Lily!" fake-Snape exclaimed, "right here and now. Forget about Potter, and everything that happened."
"Oh, Sev, I love you," sobbed fake-Lily, going in with her lips. Fake-Snape met her lips with his own, kissing her passionately.
Snape stared mesmerized at the scene until it vanished into thin air.
"Walk with me, Severus," Dumbledore beckoned him through the playground towards the cement pathway that led to the streets of Cokeworth.
"What is the point of all this, sir?" Snape asked, once more feeling lost and relying on Dumbledore for guidance, "Why can't I just be dead?"
"My old friend, we are never really dead," Dumbledore replied, "Death is merely the next adventure after life."
"I never liked it when you spoke in riddles, Dumbledore."
"I didn't like many things about many people, Severus, but for the most part, I learned to live with them. For instance, I never liked my brother's obsession with goat-charming, but I only had to involve myself with such matters as much as I chose."
They proceeded down the empty street towards the suburban Muggle neighborhoods. The driveways were devoid of cars and Snape and Dumbledore were the only two people as far as the eye could see.
Feeling like a lost teenager, Snape asked, "Sir, where are we going?"
Dumbledore sighed gravely before replying. "Unfortunately, we will have to say goodbye very soon, Severus. I know that you have gone through more trials in your life than any man could dream of, but I am sad to tell you that there is yet one more.
"Only when a man dies, Severus, will he learn the sort of human being he was in life, for this is where it will be determined whether you are to be punished or rewarded. Consider this your own private purgatory, if you will.
"I cannot help you from this onward, Severus, although I strongly believe that you deserve paradise more ths
Snape knew where this was going, and he decided at that moment that he would rather go on living than face judgment. Wasn't being dead the consequence of his life's decisions, for better or worse? What more was he supposed to do?
Out of a white, two-story house emerged a man. He was dressed in a majestic white suit and a billowing cape, carrying a long, silver staff. This man's long hair and thick beard were the color of gold and his aura suggested great power.
"This is where I must leave you, Severus," Dumbledore said, "Goodbye, and good luck."
He stepped away from his protege into the middle of the street.
"Sir, wait!" Snape said sharply, "what's going to happen to me now?"
"That is entirely up to you, Severus," Dumbledore replied, "at last, you are free from my infuriating influence and from your obligations."
Then, before Snape could do or say anything more, the headmaster vanished into the white glow of the thin air.
Snape turned as the golden-haired man stepped onto the sidewalk, suddebly speechless at his presence.
"Severus Snape. I've been watching you a long time," the man said, "Rarely have I encounterd a soul with such complexity."
Snape did not speak, but studied the strange man.
"Yes, Severus," the man said, "I am here to guide you towards the direction where you belong. But first, allow me to introduce myself. I am Merlin, former advisor to King Arthur and like yourself, a Slytherin."