Disclamier... completely not mine all JKR's
"Are you ok Harry? You look a bit pale" Remus asked as the order sat at breakfast Dumbledore had called an early meeting so everyone was there
"I just didn't sleep well" he gave Remus a forced smile and went back to pushing his food around his plate.
Hs thoughts were a mess. He had no idea how or what to feel. He was getting worried Sirius wasn't coming down maybe he had hurt him last night. He didn't want to think about last night but that's all was going through his mind. For the day after Christmas there was a depressed mood something wrong about it. No one knew what it was or why it was.
"Where is Sirius I called him ages ago" mrs weasley huffed standing up. Harry watched her leave and Remus watched Harry
"Cub has something happened between you and Sirius?" Harry looked at him then looked at the table thinking after a couple of seconds he opened his mouth but was cut off by a scream. Everyone looked at the ceiling before they took off to Mrs Weasley Remus and Mr Weasley in the lead. They got to the door wee Mrs Weasley was and froze Harry pushed his way through even though the twins who saw over their dads shoulder and Tonks tried to stop him. he stared then blinked as his vision went he dragged himself over to the bed and fell to his knees pale shaking half unconscious he crumpled to the floor Remus ordered everyone down stairs and the twins solemnly herded everyone down. Harry groaned and his eyes flicked open he stared at Sirius and started shaking his head pushing himself into a corner and tucking up head still shaking whispered chant of 'no, no, no, no' he didn't respond when Remus touched him or picked him up but when Sirius was out of his sight he fought
"Cub Harry shh cub please just let Arthur tidy him up"
"My fault"
"What?"
"My fault, my fault, my fault" Remus watched him worriedly as the chant went from no to my fault Harry sat rocking on Remus bed never missing a beat in the morbid chant. Remus helplessly watched and 20 minutes later Arthur came in and gave him a nod giving Remus a worried look. Remus nodded and the man left.
"Cub you can see Sirius if you want?" Harry nodded and against his better judgement Remus took the shocked boy into the room he watched Harry sit in the chair and watched him. he sighed and went down stairs everyone was silent the ones who hadn't seen curious but silent.
"What happened?" Ginny asked Remus closed his eyes and felt a hand on each shoulder he smelt the twins. Tears leaked down his face
"Remus we found this" molly gave Remus a piece of parchment it was a letter.
"Professor Lupin what's happened?" Remus just shook his head
"Guys" Fred said seriously he looked at his twin
"Sirius is dead"
"WHAT!"
"He can't be"
"HOW" everyone shouted and demanded
"he committed suicide" everyone fell silent at Remus' voice and gaped at him his hand clenched and scrunched up the letter hen he smoothed it out. "It's a suicide letter" he felt the twins get on their knees and their arms went around him head on his shoulders he nuzzled into Fred's head.
"Why?" Hermione chocked silently crying
"Everyone
I am so sorry for what I'm about to do. Please, please don't mourn me I'm sick and twisted and should never have left Azkaban. As I write this I suspect Harry is packing to run away. Tell him I'm so sorry its not his fault.
I know your proberly all disgusted in me how can I do this how can I kill myself? how I can leave Harry and Remus? Simple. They don't need me. I'm useless I'm a burden. I killed James and lily and I hurt Harry. Despite what you all think I didn't see Harry as James he was Harry just Harry. Like I said I'm sick and twisted after all who else would fancy their godson.
Please don't let Harry blame himself.
The sick and twisted Sirius black" Remus stopped reading his eyes went to the bottom a post script just for him.
P.s moony watch Harry he loves you.
P.p.s Harry knows necromancy and a lot of what is considered dark magic he may try and bring me back but it would be at the cost of his life I don't want that. Help him be happy life happy and tell him everything Dumbledore hides from him
P.p.p.s I don't hate you for having Harry love you and I don't hate Harry for loving you please, please, please make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.
Nearly everyone was crying. This is my fault Remus thought
"This is my fault" molly whispered Remus looked at her. His ears picked up a heart wrenching sob and he stood and went upstairs to Harry who was curled up in the far corner sobbing into him-self curled in the foetal position.
"Harry?"
"It's my fault" he sobbed Remus sat beside him
"What happened last night cub?" between sobs Harry started to explain
FLASHBACK
Sirius smiled as he walked in to the library Harry was laying on the sofa reading a book.
"You ok?" Harry jumped and looked at him
"Sirius" he grinned he lifted his legs and Sirius sat"
"What you reading?"
"It's called a book Sirius"
"Ha-ha" Harry sat up and showed him
"Muggle?" Harry nodded
"It's interesting its called lord of the rings."
"You should right a book about your life"
"No thanks" he laughed he put the book down he stretched and Sirius watched the skin that was revealed. "Hey?" Sirius blinked
"Sorry?"
"You ok?" he laughed
"Yeah you?"
"Cant sleep." They fell silent then Harry's eyes caught Sirius' he gave him a weak smile
"What else?"
"Nothing"
"Harry you can tell me?" Harry sighed and looked at his hands
"I think I might be…gay" Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"And is that wrong?"
"You're not disgusted?"
"I'm bisexual" he laughed Harry shifted a bit closer
"How do you know?"
"Well I fount a few guys hot or cute and had dreams about a few the same with girls…I thought you liked girls?"
"No they were just cover….well I like Tonks but she's the only girl I like, like that"
"What guys do you like?" he blushed
"Well there's one…he's older"
"How much?"
"Close to your age" he blushed harder
"Continue"
"gorgeous eyes brilliant body…a few scars but still very hot, smart funny everything" he had a stupid grin Sirius chuckled Harry looked up and slowly moved closer again Sirius' breath hitched and he moved closer they still had their eyes locked Harry bit his lip and Sirius lent down and kissed him moving the lip from the teeth. Harry groaned and was pulled onto Sirius lap.
Kissing sucking grinding touching licking. Harry gasped and ripped the buttons on Sirius' shirt and pushed the material off his shoulders Sirius did the same then undid the belt buckle and pushed Harry's trousers down he lifted his hips and Harry did the same. Everything blurred melting into one.
Sirius groaned as he climaxed Harry coming over their stomachs Harry hissed as he was filled. Sirius collapsed on top of Harry breathing harshly.
"You ok?" Sirius asked pulling out it was then he realised what they had done. Harry had tears running down his face. "Oh…Merlin Harry…I'm so…so sorry. What have I done" he grabbed his clothes and legged it to his room
Harry watched after him and started crying harder he dressed and curled up. Sobbing filled the room. Harry didn't see Sirius come back 3 hours later and watch him sob his heart out his expression changed to revulsion and self hate a few tears rolled down his face and whispered an apology and went to his room putting his plan into action
FLASHBACK
"He forced you?"
"I wanted it…but I was just sex" he looked at the body "it's my fault"
"Harry who was it that you liked?"
"Sirius" he whispered "but I was just sex to him that's why I cried I couldn't tell him because he would defiantly be disgusted in me…he died thinking he raped me" Remus closed his eyes it was all a stupid mess and he didn't know how he would keep Harry alive.