You Don't Understand
Summary: Set after the episode "The Abyss". Xena confronts Gabrielle about the moment in the cave when she deliriously thinks she is Hope.
Disclaimer: I know it is highly debated in the fandom Hope's status. I'm not here to convince you, nor to prove her state; I'm merely writing my take on the events.
I'd like to say that I knew it, but I know that would be a lie. I should know you better than anyone else, but in that abyss, in your delirium, you made me realize how neglectful I'd been. Now that we survived the cannibals, I see it all. It has made me realize how callous and hurtful I've been. I see the sadness in your eyes when you look at Eve. I know that you love Eve like she was of your own blood, but I see that longing for your own child. I see that guilt, regret, and pain too now. I guess I didn't want to see it.
You survived that fever, and when you called out to me as if I was your child, as if I was your Hope, I knew. It reminded me how much you'd lost along the way in your life with me. Even now after that whole ordeal you hide it from me because you think I won't understand. I didn't back then, but I do now. I want you to know that. Tonight I will tell you. I know it won't change a thing that has happened, but I want you to know anyway. My heart races, I admit I am afraid of how you will react when I say her name, but I know I must be brave like you were brave at our children's funeral pyres telling me that you loved me. One of the many times I would break your heart.
I watch you by the firelight, laying down your bedroll. I've returned from my nightly perimeter check. The side of your mouth twitches into a smile at the sight of me. I've rehearsed my segue a million times in the forest during my walk, on how to bring this up. I am not a master of words or feelings but I will try.
"Gabrielle?" I speak softly since it is the night, and the stars do not compete with the sounds of their twinkling, only the crickets do.
"Hmm?"
You sound sleepy and I almost hate to bring it up now, but I do.
"The other day in that cold watery cave. You said something to me."
"Yes I did. I said I wanted to be buried by your side. I did mean it you know. You do believe me?"
"Yes, yes, of course. It's not that. It's just that-" I pause for a bit, and rush the rest out, "you called me Hope."
I see you freeze in place, mid unrolling of your bedding.
"I-I" You stutter, trying to recall the events. I doubt you could, you were much too ill at the time to know up from down.
"It's okay Gabrielle. I'm glad you did. You see, we've never talked about it all. Everything that happened."
I'm pretty sure your stomach is twisting in knots by the look on your face, I feel it in mine as well, but I continue on.
"I should never had said what I said when I found out I was pregnant with Eve. It was stupid of me. I just thought that this child would be our second chance, and I wanted so much for you to think that pregnancy would be a good thing, not something we should fear. A chance for us to be a family." Your eyes close tightly, I'm pretty sure I'm messing everything up, since I was supposed to talk to you about when Hope was an infant, not apologizing about the callous statement in the barn.
I try to recover. "I should never had expected you to be able to just let me kill Hope, evil or not. You should never had to go through that."
"I shouldn't have lied to you, I should have tried to convinced you. Talked to you." You interject, unsure of where this was all going, so I try to clear it up.
"You did. But I was so worried about the greater good, that I didn't see it from a mother's heart. I was in your shoes with Eve,- with Livia. I had my chance and couldn't do it, I'd rather have died. Even after everything she had done, all the blood she had shed. Hope was not natural, from her conception to birth. She was godly."
I can see your hands tightening into a fist, so I stop and regroup.
When I find my words, I say, "I never did give her a chance. I just saw what her father did to you and I just couldn't see past that. She grew so fast and she never learned anything. Even if she did kill that knight, I should have remembered that a baby doesn't know right from wrong. A baby with godly powers is a deadly combination. A child will do what it can to get what it wants, it doesn't know what is acceptable and isn't. They just act. We might have been able to teach her, but I didn't think about it at the time. I was afraid that if I let her grow up, that'd it'd be too late if it turned out she was evil. But you know what? There was something I learned after all these years with you."
Barely a whisper escapes from your mouth, but I hear it nonetheless.
"What?" You say hoarsely, tears threatening to escape.
"Choices and actions are evil. Evil isn't something innate. It's almost a disease. One that can be in your head, and one that can be provoked. It grows with what fuel you give it. I never gave her a chance, the chances you gave to me. Now I wonder if Hope was who she was, or if she was someone I had made her. If I had given her a chance, maybe you wouldn't be as haunted today." A lump in my throat forms and I say something I hate to admit, "Livia killed more people knowingly. More than Hope ever did, but my heart was torn apart because it was Solan that Hope had killed."
My mouth is tired from talking, it's not everyday that I have so much to say. It scares me that you are so silent, but I know things won't change overnight, and all of this doesn't erase the pain. After a what feels like a long time, you speak, and my knees shake from what the words will hold.
"I am sorry for everything that my lie caused. I couldn't see her as evil Xena, she was my child. Everything she did, it doesn't stop me from loving her. In her own way, she loved me and she loved her son, but she was too dangerous to the world. You were right about that. I wish that we could have somehow been able to see ahead of time what future our choices would make."
"And if you saw what your future was with me?" I ask dejectedly.
"I'd still do it all again in a heartbeat Xena. You did what you thought was right at the time. No one can tell what might have happened had we raised her ourselves. I love you and always will. We both made mistakes and I'm not letting you take this onto your shoulders too."
"I know you want to shield me from guilt from all of this, but I want to shield you from your own." I say.
"You don't have to, all I need is to know that you understand what it was like to be in my shoes, and I think you do now. Like you, there are things you will probably never forgive yourself for; this is just one of mine. No matter if she was evil or not I killed her and because of my lie, Solan died." Your voice waivers as you say it, and my heart breaks a little from the truth.
Your bedroll is unfurled fully, but I know that you won't be able to sleep right now, so I do the most I can do for you. I pull your bedroll beside mine and I pull you down beside me, onto it. I tuck you underneath my arm, nestle you at my side, and kiss you on your forehead. You are still silent, but you settle in like it's your rightful place.
"I love you Gabrielle. I'm sorry for hurting you and not seeing your pain." I say to you vehemently, and to anyone in the night who would happen to hear. But I know you have already forgiven me before I have even apologized, just like I had you.
Our eyes are wide open, and our hearts are threadbare, but I'll hold you, as long as you'll let me.
The End
**Author's note: This one shot is written partly as a request from Obsi2.**