What could you say, when your family was in front of you patiently waiting to hear what meaningless words you could manage to string together?
'We'll miss you' seemed akin to a single wisp of twisting flame amongst an entire raging inferno.
'We don't know how we'll survive without you.' Better, but still…not appropriate. Because then he would just say something light, in a desperate attempt to lighten the mood, and they didn't think they could handle that.
How could they lie, when they all knew that they wouldn't survive?
The room was too small with that huge bed in it- it was closing in on them, and they couldn't take it. But how could they leave?
Each could see their expression mirrored in the others' faces, a pitiful mixture of sorrow, and grief, and anger, and denial, all painted into the faces with salty tears. Silence reigned in the too-small room, unbearably stifling. No-one volunteered words to fill the hole.
There were no words.
Finally, Reid spoke, pale and washed-out and all alone in that huge damn bed. "Let's not cry."
A small sniffle broke through, and JJ closed her eyes in a pathetic attempt to stop the tears from falling. "Spence…"
"JJ, don't…"
She took a step forward, then hurriedly moved backwards again so that she bumped into Morgan, who steadied her with a grip on her elbow, hoping the others didn't notice his own trembling fingers.
"Jayje, please…"
"I'm sorry, Spence, I can't…I can't not…"
"Then you can," he said gently, patting the bed next to him.
She started forward slowly, then suddenly lurched forward and grabbed his cold, limp hand, another tear joining the others when he didn't have the energy to give more than a tiny squeeze back.
"Please don't cry…" He noted numbly that she- they all- were using his name more than usual, and he connected it to the psychological need to reassure themselves.
Garcia spoke up in a strangled voice from her place to the right of his bed. "Stop talking. You need to stop talking and save your energy. Maybe…" she broke off.
'Maybe it'll give you a few more minutes to live' is what she wanted to say. 'Maybe we'll have a few more precious, precious seconds with you, a few more seconds where we won't have to live in a world where you don't'.
He shook his head, as they knew he would. "What's the point…" He wheezed and continued, "What's the point of spending my last hour with my family if I can't talk to them?"
There was another awful silence for a few moments, as nobody had the words to put their thoughts into feelings.
Then: "Who's going to tell me about random plays I couldn't care less about?" Emily's broken voice hit the silence.
Morgan stepped back until he was against the starched white wall and slid down, head bowed. "Who…Who's gonna reel off stats in the bullpen?"
Hotch stood up from the visitor's chair and slid down next to Morgan, pulling Emily down with him. "Reid," he said softly, "we'll miss you. That doesn't say enough, but..."
"You're all the family I never had," Rossi added. "I don't know how…" he trailed off, neither he nor Hotch used to sharing their emotions.
Morgan, Emily and Garcia continued, their grief merging with anger at some external force, whoever it was that was taking their Reid away from them.
"Who's going to babble to break the tension when everything's awkward?"
"Who am I gonna tease?"
"Who's going to give me that funny little wave every morning?"
"Who's going to refill the coffee machine every night for me, just because?"
"Who's going to slaughter Italian and Russian, and insist he's right?"
"Who's going to be there to remind us that we can face our demons?"
"Who're we going to laugh at when he can't use chopsticks?"
"Who's gonna be my wingman?"
"Who's…who's…"
There were no more words then, just sniffles and sobs.
JJ spoke up suddenly. "Spence…"
"Yes?" he replied, turning his head to face her with effort.
"Spence…who's going to get Henry into Caltech?"
They saw his eyes tear up, and he looked torn apart. "Henry and Jack…" he murmured. "I never got to say goodbye."
"Yes, you did," Hotch reminded him gently. "We brought them over two days ago. You might not have seen them on your…," he refused to say 'deathbed', "…on your last day, but you saw them, and you said goodbye."
Reid relaxed into the pillows. "That's alright then."
"No, it's not," Emily said fiercely. "It's not. You're one of the strongest people I know, and you are not letting some lame-ass cancer take that away…you're not, you hear me? Get up, Reid! Get up! Stop lying there like it's some kind of joke, just get up and smile your smile and tell us everything's fine, and you're not dying, and you'll be there for Christmas, and to lecture us about New Year's symbolism…get up! Why aren't you getting up? God, you're pathetic, you know that? You're pathetic! I don't know what the hell I ever did to be cursed with a friend like you, who won't even try to get up! Reid! Y-you need to…you need to…" She let out a strangled sob and buried her face in Morgan's shoulder.
Reid looked sadly at her. "I'm sorry, Emily. But I…" he took a breath, trying to fight the weakness that was taking over his body. "I have to go."
"You don't have to!" JJ snapped bitterly.
"I do, Jayje, you know I do," he replied, squeezing her hand. "It's my time. I…" he trailed off and closed his eyes again, and they all stood up, panicked.
"Reid!"
"Spencer Reid, you better not be-"
"You finish that sentence, now, or else I swear to God-"
His eyes popped open, and a small smile played at his lips. "Relax…" he breathed. "I'm not dead yet."
"That's not funny," Garcia whispered, but she smiled nevertheless. Because he was alive, and they had a few more minutes with him.
"I thought it was," he said weakly. "But…I think-I think I'll be gone in a few minutes. I've…never felt so…weak…in my life. It's time, I think…for me to go…"
He settled back against his pillows, looking each of them in the eye. "I love…you all. I do…and…I'll miss you. Don't cry…over me. Love each other…support…each…other…
"No, Reid, you're not going now," Rossi ordered firmly, in a desperate attempt to assert his authority over cancer.
"Reid…" Emily said quietly. "Can we have one more babble-fact?" Referring to the name they'd given his stats.
He gave a strained chuckle, trying to think through the clouding in his brain. "You'll like…this one." He took a breath, trying to calm his racing pulse. "The Reid technique in…interrogations? That we use. Forty-three percent of…innocent people confess with it. And…if we say…if we…" He wheezed and started again, as tears slipped down his team members' cheeks, each trying to imprint the fact into their memories. "If we say we have evidence…even if we don't…ninety-four percent of innocent people will confess…" He smiled through his own tears. "Good…enough?"
"Perfect." Emily smiled back.
They all knew he was close, and with that thought in mind they each silently stood up and gathered around his bed, holding his hand and ruffling his hair one last time.
"Goodbye, Reid."
"Bye…" he breathed. "Love you…"
He closed his eyes, and they waited silently for him to grin suddenly with that bashful smile and tell them he was joking, he was fine, it was just some terrible, God-awful prank that he was playing, and they could hug him and laugh and tell him to never ever do that again because God, they'd almost had heart attacks!
But he stayed silent, and a dreadful, terrible beep penetrated the silence.
"Spence, no, please…"
"Reid, man, come on…we need a doctor in here!"
"No, come on, wake up…where's the damn doctor?"
"Hang on, the doctor's coming, they'll get you up!"
"Wake up!"
"Reid!...Nurse! NURSE!"
"No, come on! REID!"
"Reid!"
"REID!"
"Spencer!"
One year later
Hotch and Rossi stepped forward from the line in front of the gravestone.
"We, uh," Rossi started awkwardly, conscious of the team's eyes on him. "Neither of us are very good at sharing our feelings, so we thought it would be better if we went together."
Hotch was staring at the gravestone, his eyes glazed. "Jack's birthday party was three weeks ago. He didn't stop asking about you. He doesn't…he keeps forgetting you're…"
Rossi swallowed. "I didn't think I'd every find any people I got along with. Strangely enough, I found that here, and you were one of the people that made it possible. You were and still are the bravest person I know, and I just…I just would like to tell you that I'm proud that I came back to be a part of this unit with you. I don't think I ever told you that."
They stepped back into line, arms around each other and Emily looked at her teammates, and then stepped forwards nervously.
"Hi, Reid. So we all came to talk to you today. I guess you already know that. I just…I don't know what to say." She paused, thinking, picking at one of her fingernails. "I moved to a bigger apartment. And…we got some new stuff in the BAU. There's a calendar now, in the bullpen. Garcia put it there after we…after we lost you. You'd have thought it was weird- it has pictures of all these cartoons- manga, I think she called them- but we all love it, even Hotch, though he won't admit it. And we've made it into a ritual, almost. On the first of every month, we turn it over together, the whole team, and laugh at the picture. We all have favorites: Mine was May, Morgan's was the June picture, Hotch's was April…"
Her voice cracked. "But Reid, we have no idea what the November picture looks like. We haven't turned it over yet. It's halfway through November and we haven't turned it over." She took a deep breath, steeled herself, and continued. "I think about you every day. I miss you so, so much."
She stepped back into formation, and Rossi slipped his arm around her. Garcia was shaking with uncontrollable sobs and shook her head at Morgan's questioning gaze, leaning into Emily. He gently grasped her arm and pulled her forward, whispering in her ear 'You'll wish you had, later'.
She sniffled and gazed at the headstone. "I…I miss you so, so, so much, it's not even…I didn't think it was possible to miss someone so much that you feel like you've been ripped to pieces. But I do, and I…I just miss you so much." The writing on the headstone caught her eyes and another tear mixed with the rest. "'Bravery, Loyalty, Kindness'. You know we didn't even pick that? We- we couldn't, after you…after you died. We couldn't think, we couldn't pick your…Strauss did. We couldn't sum you up in words like that, how could we when you were so much, you were smart, yes, but you were kind and generous and beautiful inside and out, and you had that gorgeous awkward laugh and you were terrible with girls but they loved you for it…And I miss you. I love you, and I know you know that because I do, I love you and…and…and I w-want you back."
She fell into Morgan's side as he cleared his throat to say his part. "Hey, kid. I…I just wanted to…It's been hard without you. We're not letting anyone take your desk, me and Prentiss. They brought another agent in but we moved his desk to the other side of the bullpen at lunch. He hates us, understandably." He gave a strained, forced chuckle. "But we don't care, because he's not you. I don't think I've ever missed anyone as much as I miss you, and I still…God, Reid, I think back and I don't know how we're going to get through this. I miss you, man."
He silently resumed his place in line and linked arms with Garcia, leaving JJ.
She wrapped her arms around herself as she stared at the headstone. "Hey, Spence. This…this is weird. We're talking to a stone, and it's such a messed-up, twisted representation of you because…I don't know. I don't know what to say. I-I don't know how I've made it this far. There were all these times, all these hard times…there was the anniversary of the first month without you, the first Christmas, the first New Year's, the first Halloween…I dressed up with Henry and I couldn't even enjoy myself because all I could think about," her voice broke. "All I could think about was you lecturing me on the origins of pumpkins last year. I hate myself for not listening to what you had to say when I had the chance."
She took a deep breath and continued, shaking. "And now we've passed everything, all the anniversaries, and everyone's saying it'll get easier because now there's no firsts left, but Spence…" she trailed off, wrapping her arms tighter around herself. "I keep thinking how hard it was to get through this year, and I don't know how I'll survive all those days, and months, and years that are left. I- I don't know how….I just…I wish I could see you, just one more time…I'm forgetting what your voice sounded like. I used to think, when people said they'd kill themselves for one more second with the person they love, they were crazy. But now…now, I'd do anything for just one more minute with you. I love you so, so much, and I miss you so much I don't know how we're going to get through one more year. And then one after that, and one after that, and one after that…"
She shuddered and stepped back, letting Morgan wrap an arm around her.
They stood as one, a team, and then bent down and placed six small candles on the grave, one by one.
Then they turned around, and walked back home, to face another year without him.