Chapter 1
Phase Zero: Prepare for Misadventure

"Orbot!" The round bellied man yelled, floating into the base riding in his custom built Eggmobile. "Cubot!" He landed it with the effortless grace that one could expect from a metal contraption holding an oversized man, which is to say none at all.

Eggman planted his feet onto the ground at almost the same moment his two minions appeared, seeming to slink out of the walls themselves.

"Doctor!" they called, their robotic voices melding in unison as they addressed him. Their blue eyes were bright and unblinking as they waited for a response from their creator.

Eggman only frowned at them deeply, a deep growl escaping through his thick moustache. "I have had enough of that stupid blue rat besting me at every turn!" the man yelled, falling into a rhythmic trot as he headed into the complex. "It's like he doesn't even care that I spent hours making sure everything was set out perfectly before crushing my dreams under those red sneakers of his."

The two robots shared nervous glances as they followed behind him, pointing at one another to speak first. With a robotic sigh, Orbot took the lead.

"But Doctor Eggman, Sonic always beats you. That's just how it goes."

"Do you think I don't know that Orbot?!" Eggman snapped, sending a furious glance over his shoulder.

The two robots shrank back a little at the sight as they stumbled after him. Orbot gestured for Cubot to try and console their creator. The robot looked hesitant, but after a little prompting from his spherical counterpart, he tried regardless.

"Perhaps you are just aiming too high Doc," he started, following Eggman into a large room furnished only with a single sofa and a large television screen mounted on the wall.

"What are you going on about?" the man said, collapsing onto the sofa and stretching his legs out before him.

"I just mean, world annihilation seems like the final step on the ladder of success. The end goal. What if you tried to achieve it one small rung at a time instead of just going straight to the top?"

"Yes," Orbot chimed in. "A more … manageable goal might be just what you need to boost your confidence Doctor. Perhaps we should start by stealing all the candy from every baby in the land?"

Eggman scratched at his chin slowly, his glasses flashing as he considered the bots words.

"Hmm, not candy. I already have two vaults full of those peppermint cane things I stole from those yuletide celebrations last year. But perhaps the two of you are onto something. I mean, it's no surprise, I was the one who programmed you after all," he mused, a proud gleam in his eyes.

"Maybe I am aiming too high." He squinted at the two bots before him as the cogs in his clever mind began to spin at an alarming rate. "Or maybeSonic is too focused on me."

"We thought you liked having his attention," Orbot said tentatively, knowing full well that Eggman might not like hearing those words spoken out loud.

"I do," the man said vaguely. "But he enjoys destroying them too much, and I am tired of losing to him. I think I need to focus on something else for a while."

"Doctor," Cubot said. "If Sonic is the problem, then perhaps we need to find a way to distract him."

"That's what I made all of you robots for," the man said, gesturing to the walls and the countless bots that thrummed behind them.

"Perhaps what you need is a more long-term solution," Orbot clarified. "Something that will distract him for longer than it takes him to destroy us with his spines."

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard," Eggman said offhandedly, twisting the rough edges of his moustache between his fingers. "I've got it!" he said suddenly. "What I need is to find a more long-term way of distracting Sonic!"

Orbot hummed sadly as he nodded his head in agreement. "That's a great idea Doctor."

"I need a win right now, and I also need to divert that damned hedgehog's attention. So maybe, just maybe … I can kill two birds with one stone."

The man jumped off the sofa, rushing over to a hidden panel beside the screen on the wall. A keypad popped out the wall and a seat sprang from the floor instantly. Eggman made himself comfortable, his lips forming soundless words as his fingers began furiously tapping away on the keypad.

Flashes of the blue hedgehog popped up on several sections of the large monitor as sets of diagnostics scrolled across the reflection of Eggman's glasses. What the doctor was looking for, the two robots had no idea. But they stood by his side steadfast, twiddling their thumbs as he plotted away.

Eventually, with a cry of 'aha!' the man turned back to his robots with a look of glee plastered across his face.

"According to the internet, the best distraction aside from something called 'may-mays' is another person. So, say for example if Sonic the Hedgehog had a needy girlfriend who demanded all his attention all of the time, then it would just be an absolute shame if he had no time for me anymore."

"But doesn't Sonic already have a girlfriend?" Cubot interjected.

"No, he doesn't. But … oh ho, he will by the time I'm through with him!"

"Who are you going to set him up with?" the two bots asked, peeking at the screen to try and get a glimpse of whatever was going on in his mind.

"I ran his personality with every person he's known to have interacted with and I have a shortlist of three."

With a simple tap, three images popped up onto the screen.

"The first, is Sonic," Eggman said. "Gosh, that rat loves himself," he added with a shake of his head.

"The second, a chilli dog. Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the inclination to try to animate a food of all things. But the third," he said, expanding the image so it filled half the screen.

"Amy Rose."

Cubot and Orbot shared a knowing glance but said nothing as the Doctor continued.

"They both have similar personality types and apparently having the same values is essential or some nonsense like that. Besides, she's always running after him and saying she loves him. What else is there to it?"

"Doc, setting Sonic up with a girlfriend just seems like another failure to add to the pile … especially given his track record of no relationships to date," Orbot said. "I strongly suggest we focus on something a little simpler, just to remind you what winning feels like."

"I remember exactly what winning feels like," Eggman replied. "Right now, it tastes like Sonic and that whiny pink hedgehog paying so much attention to each other that they forget all about dear old me."

A covert smile graced the man's thin lips as he scribbled the words 'Operation Get Sonic a Girlfriend' onto the top of the notepad he'd seemingly pulled out of thin air. The words sprawled across the page in a solid script as Eggman began scrolling through his multiple open tabs.

Hundreds and thousands of scrolled pages and scrunched up balls of paper later, Doctor Eggman had compiled a shortlist of four different scenarios that he could execute to get the win he so longingly deserved.

"Here," he said, flapping the list at the two robots. "I've analysed several hundred situations, and this four-phase scheme will give me the exact results I need. Each phase is filled with nauseating romance and perhaps they'll be enough on their own, but this is where my genius comes in," he said dramatically.

"String these four scenarios together and throw Sonic and Amy into the mix, suddenly the plan becomes foolproof! No one can withstand this much romantic subtext without falling head over heels in love with the person next them, especially not that cocky pineapple," Eggman chuckled with excitement.

"What exactly are the four phases?"

"Ah, you'll know all in due time my robots. But first, I must prepare myself for phase one … and the two of you I suppose."

The man laughed maniacally as he pulled up the first of his blueprints on the screen. The words 'Picnic for Two' flashed before him as the details of the plan transmitted right into Orbot and Cubot's robotic minds.

"Oh," Cubot said, his mind scanning through the data. "This just might work," he said to Orbot, who only nodded in agreement.

Eggman adjusted his blue glasses on the bridge of his nose with a curious smile. "Alright bots. Let's get this adventure in shipping started!"

Do I have a zillion other things I should be doing? Yes. Do I care? Only slightly, but I have been excited to write this for so long and I couldn't hold off anymore.

I wrote this purely for the fact that I thought it would be funny to have a series where Eggman is actively trying to pair up Sonic and Amy. This chapter is absolutely a set up chapter for what's to follow so I'm sorry if it's a little boring, but things will get much more exciting as the story progresses.

Thanks so much for reading, feel free to let me know your thoughts if you fancy. I'll see you guys in the next one, chao :)