A/N: Spoiler Warning – This story is set immediately after Dean finds out why he was pulled from Hell. Reviews are rainbows that brighten my day!
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em sadly… maybe someday.
"I can never be what you want…" The painful truth of the statement was written all over his face. It was clear that he wanted to. There was no doubt that he would give anything to fulfill that need but something inside him prevented it. Something was missing.
"I know you think I'm strong enough but you're wrong. I don't know how this started but it's time for me to put an end to it. I won't…I can't. I'm sorry." There were tears forming in his eyes as he turned his face up to the night sky. He didn't cry easily or often but today he had no control over his tears.
"I'm tired. I just want to rest now. Why does it always have to be me? Why can't someone else fight for awhile? I think that by now I've done enough. Damn it, I've done more than anyone had the right to ask, given everything I had and then some…so how can you ask me to?"
He was alone in the night. He had left their room because he couldn't stand the way they looked at him. He couldn't take the pressure of their hope, their faith in him. Too much had happened over the years, too much had been lost and no matter how strong he may have been before, that strength was drained now. There just wasn't enough of him left to be able to do this.
"You know who I am. You know better than anyone where I've been…the things I've done. There had to be a million better guys to tap for this one so why me? I ain't stupid. I know that there is no way to make up for what I did. No matter what you ask of me it will never be enough to clean my slate…"
The memories flooded back. The endless days and nights of screaming. He wished he could forget but that would be too easy. He didn't deserve to forget. He should have to relive it every day of what remained of his pitiful life. It was a painful reminder of where playing the hero had landed him in the past. Never again…he would never make that mistake again.
"If this is why you pulled me out then you might as well throw me back now. Save everyone the disappointment. I may not have deserved to be there when I arrived but I know that I sure as Hell deserved to stay there by the time He came for me. Chalk it up to bad timing and move on already."
He lay back against the cold windshield of the car. Once the familiar act of lying here, looking up at the stars would have brought him some measure of peace. Tonight there was no peace, there was only anguish. He had been so happy to be free from that place…but that was before he knew the price of freedom. Before he knew that he could never live up to the obligation of repayment.
"I'm done. I'm really sorry. I wish I could be what you all think I am but I'm not. You've got the wrong guy. Find someone else…please…"
He thought about what they were asking him to do. His chest tightened with the fear of failure. It was one thing for him to fail at a job, the only one at risk then was him…and Sammy, God he hated putting Sammy at risk… No, he couldn't do it. There was too much at stake for them to risk it all on him. He couldn't carry the weight of the entire world on his shoulders, not now that he knew his own weakness, knew he could…would…give in to temptation.
"Maybe…if He had gotten there sooner…if I hadn't given in… But He didn't. I broke and look what its cost. If it weren't for me none of this would be happening in the first place. If I hadn't been so damn weak we wouldn't even be having this discussion. But I was weak. I jumped off that rack and I took that knife. Is that really the kind of person you want to back in this race?"
He knew they were offering him the keys to the Kingdom. If he could just do this one last thing then they would absolve him of his sins and he would be welcome in Heaven. The thing was, he didn't feel like it should be that easy. Not that what they were asking was easy… But, he had spent ten years torturing souls in Hell and, in his mind, there was no way that would ever be excusable. He could barely admit to himself what he had done…he sure hadn't been able to face his brother with the truth but…
"I just don't get it. With everything you know…why me? What makes me so special? What makes me worthy of fighting on the side of the good guys…I haven't been a good guy in a very long time… "
He hadn't slept in days. He couldn't sleep, not while the end of the world loomed over his head. He didn't care so much about himself; he'd been to Hell and knew that, ultimately, he deserved to go back. The problem was…if he didn't do this…if he couldn't find the strength then what would happen to Sam? He knew how hard those four months had been on his brother. Could he really leave him to face this alone, or worse, count on someone else to fix it and save the world…save Sam?
"Damn it! Fine! You win! What choice do I have? You knew I wouldn't dump this on him. You knew I'd have to stay and at least try to fix this, no matter how hopeless it seems… I'll do it. I'll find a way; somehow…just tell me one thing. Tell me why you picked me? Was it some cosmic joke that I'm not in on? Just tell me that. Tell me why…me?"
He leaned his head back against the glass, closing his eyes against the tears that were now falling freely. He jumped slightly and his eyes opened in surprise as he heard the whisper of wings. There, lying beside him on the hood of the car was the angel.
"Dean…What's the matter? Don't you think you deserve to be saved?"