(Not so) Fun Fruits Basket Switches!
(PROSE VERSION)
A Fruits Basket fanfic by Raberba girl

Author's Notes: This fanfic has been altered to conform to FFdotNet's (very silly) anti-script rule. The original version (which I prefer) is posted on my Web site - see my profile.

It is advised that only people very familiar with the Fruits Basket characters should attempt to read this fic; it would be very confusing otherwise. Also, I wrote this fic before I stopped hating Akito, and before Akito's Secret was revealed in the manga.

YUKI is acting like Kyo, SHIGURE is acting like Yuki, KYO is acting like Shigure, HATSUHARU is acting like Ayame, KISA is acting like Hiro, MOMIJI is acting like Kagura, AYAME is acting like Hatsuharu, HIRO is acting like Ritsu, RITSU is acting like Momiji, and KAGURA is acting like Kisa.

"I am feeling particularly evil today," Akito mumbled, stroking one of his little birds. It bit him. "Ow. I will cause even MORE trouble for everyone than usual! Hahahaha! Hatori!"

Hatori stumbled in with mussed hair. "What is it?" he mumbled, rubbing at his sleepy eyes.

"Make me a secret super duper potion to switch everyone's personalities! Then put it in their food and make them EAT IT!"

Hatori blinked muzzily. "Fine." He sighed and trudged back to his room.

At Shigure's house, Tohru was merrily going about her housework. "La la la! Here, guys, I have lunch!"

"I hate lunch!" Kyo proclaimed immediately.

"Thank you, Honda-san," Yuki said politely.

Tohru beamed. "Yay, Yuki-kun said my name! Yuki-kun likes my food! Yuki-kun is so pretty!"

"Shut up!" Kyo howled, unable to stand the Yuki-adoration.

Unbothered, Tohru skipped back into the kitchen.

"I hate you!" Kyo told Yuki.

Yuki glowered. "Don't talk to me. Your voice makes me want to throw up."

Kyo then caught sight of the food. "Ugh, what is this stuff?!"

"Eh, looks like leek-and-tomato sandwiches to me," Shigure answered.

"Yech!" Kyo exclaimed.

Yuki grabbed a sandwich and shoved it into his cousin's mouth. "EAT IT."

They ate it. Strange things started happening.

Shigure hunched his shoulders and let his bangs fall into his face. "I feel feminine and insecure now. I'm going to my room to talk to my mousie friends." He went upstairs.

Kyo giggled. "Hee hee hee! High school girls!"

"STUPID PERVERT!" Yuki bellowed. "RAGH!" He whirled and smashed a door.

At the Sohma Estate, Tohru arrived with lovingly-packed basketfuls of food. "Hey, Momiji-kun!" she called.

"TOHRU!" Momiji cried ecstatically, and glomped her. He poofed into a bunny and beamed happily, as Tohru sweatdropped.

Hatsuharu came to the door. He, Kisa, Ayame, Hiro, Ritsu, and Kagura were randomly visiting Momiji.

"Hey, what's up, Tohru?" Hatsuharu said pleasantly.

"I love you all!" she said brightly. "I want to understand you! Eat my food!"

"Yay, Tohru made food!" Momiji cheered.

They all ate it. More strange things happened.

Hatsuharu burst into obnoxious laughter. "Aha ha ha ha ha ha! I must go visit Yuki to understand him better, so we can BRIDGE THE GAP BETWEEN BROTHERS! Aha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Hiro gasped. "I feel so insecure - I MUST DRESS IN GIRLS' CLOTHES!" He ran into Kisa's room.

"Ooh, Tohru, you look so cute!" Ritsu squealed. "Tohru, don't I look cute?! Tohru, let's go to Sea World!" He hugged Tohru. "Wah! Why am I a monkey?! (pause) Oh well! I'm still cute!"

Kisa made a noise of disgust. "What, why are you wearing those stupid girls' clothes? You think you're a girl or something? For a high school kid, you sure have mud for brains!"

"Kisa-chan..." Kagura said timidly.

Ayame looked around in mild confusion. "?? How did I get here? Where's my bike? Where's Kyo? Ah! I want to fight with Kyo!" He suddenly turned Black.

Momiji let out a tremendous roar. "KKKKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOO-KKKKUUUUUUUUNNNN!! MUST! SEE! KYOOO-KUUUN!" He zoomed off.

"Wait for me!" Ayame called. He ran a few steps, then stopped. "Eh? Which way do I go?"

Tohru stared at the Sohmas in complete amazement.

Back at Shigure's house, Kyo was reading the newspaper. Shigure was standing with folded arms and a murderous expression on his face, while Yuki screamed abuse at him.

"WELL I'M TELLING YOU, I'VE HAD IT! I'LL BEAT YOU AND BECOME A MEMBER OF THE ZODIAC IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO! (pause) Now I am going to punch your face in!"

Shigure sighed. "Idiot. You already are part of the zodiac."

Yuki turned crimson and speechless with rage.

Kyo peeked over his newspaper. "Guys...go easy on the house...please?"

A voice suddenly echoed from outside, getting louder very rapidly. "Kyoooooooo-kuuuuuuuuuuunnnn!"

Yuki started and looked tense. Kyo raised an eyebrow. "That sounds like...Momitchi?"

A hurricane crashed through the front door. "KYO-KUN!" Momiji shouted gleefully, and glomped Kyo.

Kyo gave a silly grin and sweatdropped. "Hallo, Momitchi." He pat Momiji on the head and went back to his newspaper.

"Grr, you're no fun," Momiji complained. He looked around predatorily and spotted Yuki. "Ah!"

Yuki sprouted mouse ears and a tail. "Eep!"

Yuki tried to run, but Kyo reached out, snatched the tail, and delivered Yuki to Momiji's mercy. "Mragh!" Momiji said, cuddling Yuki happily.

"Kyo, I will kill you..." Yuki growled through the sound of cracking bones. Kyo only smiled.

"Momiji, squish him harder," Shigure suggested.

Ayame came up behind Kyo and punched him, sending him flying. "Eh, Aya...what was that for?" Kyo said reproachfully.

Ayame cocked his head. "The rabbit was right, you are no fun."

Momiji and Ayame started chasing Yuki around and around the house. Ayame occasionally bumped into walls, house corners, and random posts.

Kisa walked in and looked around in disgust. "Hey, what's this? You got guests, Kyo. Is this how you run the place? Leaving visitors standing at the door, not offering anything to eat? What is this, some kind of circus?"

Shigure was looking out at Momiji, Ayame, and Yuki. "Darn right it is. I'm going to my room." He gestured at Yuki. "Watching him makes me sick," he explained, then went upstairs.

Hatsuharu decided that he would rather have Shigure as a brother than Yuki. "Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Here's the opportunity to share some QUALITY TIME TOGETHER! Shiiiigureeee, wait for me!" he called, skipping off upstairs after Shigure.

"So, what, you gonna invite us in?" Kisa said pointedly.

Kagura put a hand on her shoulder. "Kisa-chan..."

Kyo sweatdropped. "Right, right, come in, all of you. I'd offer you food, but...Tohru-kun's not here..."

Kisa sniffed. "So, what, she your mom or something? You let a permanent guest who's not even related to you run the house? You a cripple, you can't take care of yourself?"

"Kisa-chan..."

Kyo sweatdropped again. "I think there's doughnuts and orange juice in the fridge."

Yuki ran by, screaming, "I HATE ORANGE JUICE!"

"We weren't asking you, gray-haired lady!" Kisa shouted back.

Yuki slammed to a halt, so that Momiji and Ayame crashed into him. "SAY THAT AGAIN, YOU SNOT-NOSED BRAT!"

"Yuki's a giiiiiirl," Kisa taunted. Yuki charged at Kisa, who stepped aside and tripped him. Splat.

"Um, Kisa-chan...what is that noise...?" Kagura wanted to know. She looked up at the ceiling, where dim sounds of someone laughing as they are being smashed into the floor were coming from upstairs.

"I don't hear anything," Kisa said carelessly, not paying attention.

"..."

Momiji, folding his hands cutely under his chin, began to cry. "Yuki-kun...why are you running away from me...? Why? I love you...I love you-- SOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!"

Yuki screamed and fled, with Momiji in hot pursuit.

"My poor house..." Kyo whined.

Ayame looked around, blinking. "Eh? Where am I? Why do I feel so tired? Why do I have so many bruises?"

Hiro was hiding outside, wearing Kisa's clothes. "I'm such a worthless person!" he moaned. "I'm such an annoyance to everyone, I've just got to put an end to myself!"

Ritsu, coming up behind him, gasped. "Eh? Don't say that, Hiro!" He put his arms around him. "You're so cute, just like me! Let's go to Disneyland! Ooh, let's take Tohru with us! Let's take EVERYONE with us! Without telling them!"

"Without...telling them?" Hiro sniffled.

Yuki loomed up thunderously behind them. "ARE YOU MAKING PLANS FOR US AGAIN WITHOUT ASKING?!"

"WAAHH!" Hiro cried. "PUNISH ME, PUNISH MEEEEE! GOOOMEN! NASAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!"

Ritsu smiled and sweatdropped.

Meanwhile, at the Sohma Estate, Akito was laughing hysterically as he watched footage from the hidden cameras around Shigure's house. "Hahaha! This is so entertaining! (cough cough) I feel ill. I think I'm dying. Hold me, Hatori! I don't have much longer to live! (cough cough) My eyeballs are being sucked back into my brain! My toenails are turning to mush! My ears are turning orange! My teeth are beginning to liquefy!"

Several birds began dancing about, singing "We're free, we're free!"

"Go away! I hate you! Go tell Yuki how worthless he is or something!"

The birds flew away, and Akito died.

"Heh heh..." Hatori chuckled, and kissed the bottle of rat poison.

Tohru burst in, panting heavily. "(gasp) I run...alla way...(pant) to tell...(choke for air) Ev'r'one...gone crazy... (collapses) Help!"

Hatori sighed. "And I was having so much fun, too." He changed them back, everyone was embarrassed, but they all lived happily ever after - mainly because Akito's DEAD. (laughs happily)

THE END

Author's Note: Yes, I know, horrendous OOCness. I would dearly love to see any fanart of this. :)