Battle of the Tube Steaks by remuslives
Dedicated to Wayne and Matt for being arseholes.
Prompts: potatoes, "I promise you won't regret it." , jockstrap
Thanks to Grande.Vanilla.Skim.Latte, and WeasleyForMe for the prompts.
Hermione was outside the portrait hole when the strange noises began. They started pretty soft, a couple of grunts, one long groan; but they became progressively louder and more frequent. She pressed her ear to the empty portrait, thankful that the Fat Lady had gone off to drink her holiday away with her friend, Violet. Most of Gryffindor House had gone home for Christmas leaving only Ron, Harry, Neville, and herself to occupy the tower.
A loud groan echoed in the emptiness of the corridor. "Not so hard Harry," Ron's voice called, followed by another grunt.
"What the-" Hermione whispered to herself, pressing her ear even closer.
"Hey guys," Neville's voice was softer. "Bloody hell, what's going on?" His voice raised with surprise. "Is that- I mean, are you two…?"
"Yeah," Harry's voice came followed by a loud grunt from Ron. "Do you want to join us?"
"Um…I don't…"
"Come on Neville, it's fun I swear," Ron persuaded. Harry groaned again.
"I mean, I've never…" Neville's voice was low and hard to hear, but he sounded curious.
"Come over here by me, Neville," Harry said. "I promise you won't regret it."
"I suppose…just this once."
Ron laughed, "Try it once and you'll never want to stop. Besides, it's more fun with three of us."
Hermione barely contained her shocked squeal. Surely the three boys weren't doing what she thought. There's no way. One hand covered her mouth, the other pressed up against the portrait; what she wouldn't give to see them at it. Maybe once they're distracted with each other again, I can 'accidentally' stumble in.
Numerous grunts and groans, some now Neville's sounded through the room and spilled out into the corridor. "Harry, I need you." Ron sounded pained.
"Hang on, Neville's almost there." Harry sounded a little irritated. After several moments of pause, she heard Neville's loud groan.
"Harry, please." Ron whined. Hermione hated when he used that whiny voice.
"Alright, get over here." Harry chuckled lightly.
"No, Harry," Ron howled, "It's too tight!"
"Don't be such a baby, Neville's is tighter than yours." Harry let a loud grunt. "Damn, that's tight."
"Take it-"
"You'll get used to it Ron, I don't want to stop now."
"Oh my gods," Hermione whispered. She couldn't help herself any longer. Taking a deep breath, she opened the portrait hole as silently as possible. She stuck her head in and had to immediately duck a flying object. "Aaagh!"
"Hermione!" all three boys shouted, jumping to their feet. Each boy held a tightly rolled steak, and Ron also had a jockstrap that had launched the potato at her head. They also all hard red marks on their exposed arms and legs. "It's not what it looks like." Ron began.
"What are you doing?" Hermione looked bewildered.
"Um…tube steak battles," Harry said, his face red, glasses crooked on his nose. "We're sorry, Hermione."
"Yeah, I promise, we got the steaks and potatoes ourselves." Ron held his hands up in front of him.
"We didn't make the house elves do it." Harry insisted.
"Well, as long as you didn't abuse the elves." Hermione bent and picked up the potato she had barely dodged. She shook her head, and lobbed it back at Ron before hurdling herself behind the couch with Harry.
The end. Review!