Bump Bump, Sugar Lump Rump
"...So I guess Cutie Mark Crusaders Trendy Bisexuality isn't for me," Scootaloo finished with a scowl, clicking a hoof against the lunch table in frustration.
"Aww, don't feel bad, Scootaloo," Apple Bloom said sympathetically. "I ain't had any more luck'n you have, Cutie Mark Crusaders Incest was downright embarrassin'." She sighed. "Granny Smith whooped my fanny till it was red as my brother's coat."
Sweetie Belle said nothing, as she was busy staring off into space and trying to process the fact that it was lunchtime.
Scootaloo's eyes brightened, as she hurriedly munched some grass and swallowed it. "Incest! Why didn't I think of that before?"
"Cuz yer an orphan," Apple Bloom reminded her. "Any family that'cha may'a known or loved are all dead'n gone."
"FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" screeched Pinkie Pie, popping out of the folds of Apple Bloom's bow, her eyes wide and pupils shrunk to tiny pinpoints. She stared pointedly at the now-depressed Scootaloo, sinking back down into the bow's folds the whole while.
Five seconds later, Sweetie Belle snapped out of her daze, and screamed. "AHHHH! You scared us, Pinkie P- huh?" She looked under the lunch table, between her thighs, and behind Scootaloo's wings. "Where'd she go?"
"Like, what's wrong, blank flank?" a haughty voice jeered. "Trying to find a Cutie Mark?"
Apple Bloom and Scootaloo rolled their eyes, followed shortly by Sweetie. "Shove it, Diamond Tiara," Scootaloo snapped.
"That's just what your mom said, like, last night!" Silver Spoon taunted, collapsing into shrieks of laughter.
Apple Bloom, Diamond Tiara, and Scootaloo stared at Silver Spoon in stony silence.
"Way to, like, low-blow an orphan, Silver Spoon," Diamond Tiara huffed, rolling her eyes. "How tacky."
"Totally tacky!" Silver Spoon agreed sycophantically, before tilting her head in confusion. "Oh... HEY!"
"Anyway, let's, like, get out of here. All these blank flanks are making me, like, hungry. Let's go make you buy me a porterhouse or whatever." Diamond Tiara smiled smugly over her shoulder at the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Later..."
"Blank flanks!" she and Silver Spoon chorused, giggling madly as they trotted off.
"Hey, Scootaloo's mom is dead!" Sweetie Belle finally protested, only to find that the objects of her ire were no longer present. "Umm, where'd they go?"
"Sweetie Belle," Apple Bloom said gravely, "yer sister ever get ya tested fer mental retardation?"
"Yeah, but it was too short on the flank."
Scootaloo and Apple Bloom slapped their hooves across their faces and grimaced. Paying them no mind for the moment, Sweetie's eyes narrowed thoughtfully.
"'What your mom said last night'... I'll show her what your mom said last night," she said to nopony in particular. A scheme, a devious scheme, an ambitious and devious scheme had begun to form in her mind. She couldn't remember why, exactly, but whatever it was, it would probably help her get her Cutie Mark. She snapped to attention. "That's it! I'm gonna try and think of a way to get my Cutie Mark!"
"Yeah, that's kind of the whole point of th-" Scootaloo was cut off as Sweetie galloped excitedly past her and Apple Bloom, headed back to the Carousel Boutique. "The school day isn't over yet!" she called, to no avail.
Apple Bloom put a hoof on her friend's shoulder. "Let'er go, Scoot. That filly ain't right."
Scootaloo sighed and slumped down over the table. "I guess. I just wanted all three of us to try this great new idea I had, Cutie Mark Crusaders Arson, later on today! I have some matches and gasoline in my bookbag!"
"Then let's go arsonate things! She'll come 'round when she remembers she ain't s'posed ta be home yet. We can save some arsonin' fer her." Then she frowned, and looked up at Scootaloo. "Uhh, what's arson, anyway?"
Sweetie Belle craned her neck as she peered into the window of Diamond Tiara's bedroom, her hooves aching with the effort of holding on to the trellis she had climbed.
"Where is she? I've been waiting here for three hours. I'm hungry!" She reached back to rub her aching neck, and fell to the ground with a surprised whinny. "OW! Dumb fabric."
As she lay there in the rosebushes surrounding Diamond Tiara's house, she spotted her quarry out of the corner of her eye, heading inside. "Huh? That's weird. What's Diamond Tiara doing here? ...Oh, yeah!"
Diamond Tiara was humming softly to herself as she rolled around in piles of bits in her room, the refined strains of Coltzart dancing delicately in the air. But something sounded off. Somepony was singing, ever-so-softly, somewhere in the house.
"My little pussy, my little pussy... ahh ahh ahh ahh..."
"Like, eww," Diamond Tiara scoffed, her face scrunched up in disgust.
"I used to treasure my virginity..." the voice sang, before a loud thump sounded on the other side of Diamond Tiara's bedroom door. "OWWW! Stupid house."
"Hey!" Diamond Tiara snapped, offended. She let out an unladylike snort as the door to her bedroom swung open, revealing Sweetie Belle. "Oh. It's, like, you. The blank flank. What are you doing here?"
Sweetie Belle flashed her an uncharacteristically vicious smile. "You."
The door clicked shut and locked.
"Bump-bump, Sugar Lump Rump. Let's get nasty."
On the other side of Ponyville, in Sweet Apple Acres, Apple Bloom and Scootaloo stared blankly at the Apple family's pig barn as it burned and crackled. It was hypnotic.
"Smells good," Scootaloo remarked dreamily.
"Ah cain't look away..." Apple Bloom said. "Scoot?"
"Yeah?"
"You ever kill a pony before?"
"WHAT'N THE HAY ARE Y'ALL DOIN' TO MAH BARN?" Applejack's voice bellowed, though the two fillies simply continued to watch the barn burn.
"Cutie Mark Crusaders Arsonists," Apple Bloom responded, her voice monotone. "The whole world'll be consumed in the purifyin' flames of our righteousness."
Applejack scowled at them. "Now Ah'm gonna hafta fetch me one of the weather patrol to drag a raincloud in here ta fix this mess y'all caused, and d'you know how much they charge fer this kinda stuff?"
"Gotcha covered, AJ!" Rainbow Dash called from above, zooming towards the barn and dragging a large cloud behind her. She looked down at the two Cutie Mark Crusaders, waving. "Whatcha guys up to?"
"Uncovering the hypnotic, destructive beauty of the flame," Scootaloo murmured, unfazed by the appearance of her idol.
Rainbow nodded as she placed the cloud carefully over the barn, and began to stomp the rain out of it. "That's cool, but when you're done, Sweetie Belle got arrested."
This news snapped the two young fillies out of their trances. "What?"
"Ewwww, this place is just dreadful," Rarity muttered as she followed the guard through the halls of the Ponyville Juvenile Correctional Facility. "It smells like hooves and death in here!"
Her complaints were confirmed as they passed the skeleton of a colt, his hoof reaching out pathetically from between the bars of his cell door. The guard gave a non-committal grunt.
"And what are these repulsive gray outfits? Do you even wash them? My sister looks dreadful in gray - you know, I could design some ravishing jumpsuits for the inmates here, something like what I made for Sapphire Shores-"
"Hey, sis!" Sweetie Belle called, waving from her own cell as Rarity approached. Her other foreleg was in a sling, and she had a black eye, but she seemed to be in good spirits.
"Good gracious, Sweetie, what in Equestria happened to you?" Rarity fretted. Then she frowned. "And what's this I hear about rape? You didn't-"
"Naw, it was only attempted rape." Sweetie Belle sighed. "Diamond Tiara kicked me down the stairs when I tried to mount her."
Rarity's expression was unreadable as she nodded. "Ah. Of course. But Sweetie Belle, you shouldn't try to rape somepony, it's very crass. What could have ever brought this urge on?" Then she grimaced. "Oh, you... didn't try to-"
Sweetie turned around and dejectedly wiggled her still-bare flank at her sister. "Nothing! But I guess I shouldn't have expected it, since I got interrupted and all..."
"I should hope not! No sister of mine will specialize in aggravated sexual assault! No, I don't want to hear another word of it," she said, when Sweetie Belle opened her mouth to protest. "It simply won't do. And once I bail you out," she added, nodding to the bulging saddlebags resting on her own back, "you are grounded. No Cutie Mark Adventures for a month!"
"Awwww..."
The guard's eye twitched. Sometimes he hated the Ponyville justice system. He missed the old days of breaking the offender's hind leg and shooting them.
"Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle!"
Sweetie Belle, Rarity, and the guard all turned to look as two very excited foals raced down the hall. They were followed by a very grim-looking Applejack, and a puzzled Twilight Sparkle, who was levitating a book titled Juvenile Detention Center Visit Etiquette for Ponies With OCD.
"Apple Bloom! Scootaloo!" Sweetie Belle yelled excitedly. "Why aren't you guys still in school?"
An awkward silence fell over the area.
"School let out five hours ago, darling," Rarity sighed. "Hello, girls. Applejack, so nice to see you. You too, Twilight! What are you ladies doing here?"
"Mah lil' sis has somethin' to show her friend," Applejack said gruffly. Her expression was superbly stony.
Twilight shrugged. "I'm just here in case somepony learns a lesson about friendship."
"Who cares!" Apple Bloom snapped. Then she turned to Sweetie Belle and squealed excitedly. "Ah did it, ah did it!"
"I tried to do it," Sweetie Belle sighed. Then she narrowed her eyes thoughtfully as Apple Bloom wiggled her flank around. "Oh, you must be talking about something different. Hey, you got... wow!"
On Apple Bloom's flank, there was a bright, colorful Cutie Mark, depicting a raging fire consuming a forest, and the tiniest silhouette of a pony watching it burn.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, I learned that even the most innocent of ponies can discover the most surprising of special talents - even if they just might be illegal! I also learned that, although you should support your friends' efforts and dreams no matter how horrible they may be, you should also put your hoof down if their dreams go too far, for their own good.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
Spike's eyes crossed as he looked at the letter. "I don't even know what in the world you're trying to say here!"
Twilight giggled, and shrugged. "That's okay. The Princess will know."
"I dunno, Twilight, this could use some edi-"
"She knows everything."
Spike rolled his eyes and sent the letter. "Whatever. We done for the night? Apple Bloom wanted to see me about something."
"Go right on ahead." Twilight looked out the window. In the distance, the Everfree Forest was ablaze, and she could hear the faint sounds of Zecora and Applejack shouting angrily at Apple Bloom. "Tell her I send my congratulations."
Author's Notes: Okay, so I couldn't help but try my hoof at writing in the Friendship Is Magic fandom. Which, for anyone who's read my stories before, is cause for alarm. But I think you've already seen that in the story above! I regret nothing. Mostly. Well, I wish I could've worked Fluttershy in somehow, but there's always another fanfic.
Feel free to leave a review, if you'd like.