Dean sighed, feeling his body tremble and shake as he wept uncontrollably. He had just experience both the best and the worst experience of his life. He was all alone and feeling broken sitting on the floor of a seedy little motel room after the most incredible sex he had ever had.. He had finally decided it was time to tell Castiel.. his angel how he felt.. Thinking back, Dean knew it wasn't a good idea, but he couldn't help how he felt for Castiel and needed him to finally know..
*flash back*
Dean walked into the bar and noticed his angel sitting there alone, he ordered two beers and took them over to him, sitting down at the booth opposite Castiel, "Hey Cas", He said smiling as he gave him the beer. Castiel tilted his head slightly and smiled a little, something that always took Dean's breath away, "Good Evening Dean". Castiel replied huskily in that tone of voice that always gave Dean chills. He looked Castiel over and noticed he looked a little more down then usual, "Cas? What's wrong?", he asked feeling concerned and before he knew what he was doing, he had reached over and took the angel's hand in his own, stroking the back of his hand with his fingers gently. Castiel looked up at him, but didn't pull his hand away, "It's nothing Dean", He muttered, biting his lip softly. Dean didn't press Castiel, but stood up and moved onto the other side of the booth to be closer to the angel. Dean wasn't sure what it was at first, it took him a while to realize it, but he slowly came to understand that he had feelings for Castiel, he couldn't help feeling butterflies and his heart racing whenever he saw Castiel. Dean was intoxicated by his sweet scent and knew he wanted more. He gently touched Castiel's face and leaned his forehead on the angel's, breathing in deeply, "Cas… How bout we finish this drinking session back at the motel?", he asked, wanting to just be alone with the angel. Castiel nodded and Dean stood up, leading the way to the Impala. As they walked out to the car, Dean wrapped his arm around Castiel's neck, feeling happier by the second. Dean knew tonight was the night, he wanted to tell the angel how he felt finally and once they were back at the motel, he smiled moving closer to Castiel. "Cas", He said softly not knowing where to begin, "I… I… I love you". Dean couldn't believe he had finally gotten the words out and before he knew it, Castiel had leaped into his arms, kissing him without a word. Dean smiled against Castiel's lips and deepened the kiss, pushing Castiel against the wall of the motel, crushing their bodies together as he held him close and slide his hands down the other's sides. Things got fairly heated quickly and Dean's heart thumped hard feeling their arousals rubbing against each other. He felt like his whole body was on fire with Castiel's soft touches and he almost climaxed right then and there when Castiel asked him to take him. Dean looked into his angel's lust blown eyes and kissed him harder, quickly removing their clothes and pushing Castiel on the bed, reaching for the lube and as he gently prepared Castiel, he asked once more if this is what Castiel wanted. The angel assured him it was and Dean slowly entered him, thrusting deep inside him, moaning as they kissed, feeling so happy and at peace now he was making love with his beautiful angel. Dean picked up the pace, feeling Castiel's legs wrap around him and began to stroke the angel's own hardness, "Mmm.. Ohh Cass.. yess baby.. you feel so good". He softly moaned, hearing Castiel moan made him even more turned on. Dean wanted to make Castiel feel so loved and safe and knew he would do whatever it took to keep the angel in his arms. "Ohh Dean… Mmm Deann", Castiel whispered, moaning as they continued to make love, the sweat dripping from their bodies, Dean hitting Castiel's prostate and gasping with pleasure, feeling Castiel arch his back and hips underneath him, "Ohh fuck Cas.. Mmm.. so close babe". He murmured, as he breathed heavier, kissing his angel hard as he finally came undone, climaxing hard inside his angel, "Mmm.. cum for me Cas", Dean whispered wanting to feel Castiel cum in his hand. He moaned as Castiel buckled underneath and came moaning Dean's name over and over again. Dean lazily moved positions and laid beside Castiel, nuzzling against his neck and smiling as he whispered, "Did I tell you I love you Cas"?. Castiel nodded and smiled, "Yes, I believe you did". Dean was a bit perplexed as to why Castiel's response wasn't an 'I love you' back, but he asked Castiel to "Stay with me", as he looked into his eyes, hopefully. Castiel looked back at Dean and whispered, "I Can't Dean.. I'm a jerk and I'm not good for you..". Dean became heartbroken and pulled Castiel closer, "No.. baby.. please.. just stay..". Castiel repeated what he said and Dean pushed Castiel away angrily, standing up and reaching for his pants, putting them on before sitting back down on the bed asking one final time, "Cas.. we are two broken souls.. we belong together.. don't tell me you didn't feel anything just then". Castiel frowned and tilted his head, not saying anything, just standing up and slowly disappearing from Dean's sight and life leaving his trench coat behind. Dean picked it up and cuddled it to his face, smelling the sweet scent that he had always loved and backed his way up to the wall where he had pinned Castiel against earlier and found his knees gave way, falling to the ground as he began to sob uncontrollably, his whole body shaking and trembling, not even caring as he got tear stains on Castiel's coat. He couldn't believe how cruel his angel had been to him, leading him on, showing him the best love making experience of his life only to cruelly snatch it away from him.
*end flashback*
He decided there was only one way out of this mess. He loaded up his favourite gun and pointed it to his head, still quietly sobbing as he begged Sammy to forgive him and left a note informing his brother not to make any deals what so ever.
Dear Sammy and Castiel
I'm sorry, I can't living in this world of pain I now find myself in and I can't live in a world where I can't be with my sweet beautiful angel, I hope you both can come to understand why I have done this… I'd rather be dead then live in a world where I can't show my love for Cas.. Please.. don't attempt to bring me back.. I will hunt you down forever if you do. Please Sammy, go find Sarah Blake, we both know your still hung up on her and just Cassy please forgive me.. I know not what I do.. please forgive me.. I can't stop loving you.. don't deny me, this pain I'm going through, please forgive me… never leave me, I don't know what I'd do.. please forgive me.. I can't stop loving you
Dean re-read the letter and nodded his approval, leaving it on the table where it could be seen and sat on the bed where he had just made love for the only time to his soul mate and one true love and touched Castiel's handprint that Castiel had left on him after raising him from perdition and then looked up at the sky, holding the gun to his temple with his left hand and Castiel's trench coat clenched in his right, he took his final breath, blinking back tears as he pulled the trigger, his angel the last thing on the hunter's mind, his body falling back on the bed as the blood poured out, staining the sheets, his hands still clenching the dirty old trench coat.
Dean took one last look at his handprint shoulder mark that Castiel had left on him after dragging him back from hell and then up at the sky, holding the gun to his temple, and blinking back tears as he pulled the trigger, Castiel the last thing on his mind.