Title: Ish good news, I's swear

Series: One shot

Author: Karanina

Disclaimer: Well as much as I'd like to say it Firefly was my idea, and casting Adam Baldwin was my idea… well I'm just not that good of a liar.

Rathing: PG

Jayne slammed back another shot of whiskey as Simon and Mal talked about whatever it was Simon and Mal usually talked about. He'd come to this bar in the hopes of getting the only other men on Serenity so shit-faced that they wouldn't kill him outright when he told them the good news.

So far, the only one it seemed to be working on was him. Jayne's fuzzy brain figured he should wait another hour before he told them. By that stage the bar should be full enough, and Mal drunk enough that he wouldn't be able to aim proper. And Mal would never risk hurting innocent civilians. Stupid hun dan.

Back on Serenity, the rest of her crew were having a girl's night in. They'd commandeered Inara's old shuttle and were watching a tear jerker that Kaylee had downloaded from the cortex. They were drinking the mechanic's inter-engine hooch, and Zoe had found some honest to God chocolate in the market that day. The icing on the cake, so to speak, was when River pulled out the strawberries she'd brought from a local farmer.

Her friends were relaxed and in a good mood, although River didn't think she needed to butter them up when she told them the good news. Women were much more sensible about these things than men, well at least the men in her family.

"I have a story," River burst out during a lull in the conversation after the movie.

"What is it honey?" Zoe asked, her wine raised to her lips.

They were all staring at her, and suddenly River felt very nervous. What if they didn't understand? What if she couldn't make them understand? But these were her friends, River reasoned, her family. Not the one she had been born into with Simon, but her real family. They cared about her out of choice.

She rolled back her shoulders and sat up a bit straighter. "Once upon a time there was a princess. She lived in a castle with the King and Queen and her princely brother." Inara exchanged a small smile with Zoe, this was some of the more obvious River-speak they'd heard. "But the Queen was jealous of her daughter, so she gave her away to an evil King whose lands bordered their own. The evil King put her in an enchanted tower. Every day it's walls would crumble, burying her beneath the rubble, and then every night they would rebuild themselves only to start crumbling again the next day."

Kaylee was staring at River with rapt attention and morbid curiosity. She knew River was talking about herself, and she'd never heard her friend talk about her time at the Academy, which this surely must be.

"When the Prince learnt of his mother's treachery, he searched far and wide until finally he found her in the enchanted tower. He tried to get her out, but he couldn't move the stones fast enough to get to her before the walls started rebuilding themselves. And then one day another prince came along and helped him move the stones. It took all day, but eventually they freed the Princess from her tomb. And thus the enchantment was broken. The second prince fell in love with the Princess, and he built her a stone cottage from the ruins of the tower. They lived there together and had babies and got married, and lived happily ever after."

River smiled widely. The words had come out all right, and she felt confident her friends understood her meaning. But her smile faded as she felt the waves of confusion roll off them.

Zoe was the first to voice their question. "Who was the second prince?"

"A warrior," River answered simply. "From a faraway land."

"Jayne?" Zoe wanted confirmation.

"Jayne? What… Jayne and River?" Kaylee asked, her eyes widening in disbelief. She watched as River nodded and swung her gaze back to Zoe and Inara, awaiting their reaction almost as anxiously as River was.

Inara merely smiled as though she'd known all along, and even though she weren't a reader like River, Kaylee thought maybe she had suspected. A grin played at the edges of Zoe's lips. The one she used to have when Wash was still alive, amused, but not wanting to ruin her tough girl image. Kaylee breathed out a sigh of relief. It was gonna be ok.

"And did the Princess love this Warrior Prince?" Zoe had no problem with the idea of River and Jayne being together, so long as it was what they both wanted.

River broke into one of those wide, loopy grins that reminded everyone of how young she really was. "Yes. She loved him with all her breath and being. He built her a home."

The older women smiled in satisfaction. There was nothing sordid or immoral going on here, just two people in love. But there was one other point Inara wanted to address before they moved on. "Babies…?"

"So's I said to 'im. You wanna mesh with Zoe, ya ganna mesh with the ho' fitty-sevenths," Mal drunkenly told Simon, waving his drink around to illustrate his point.

"An what'd he say?" Simon slurred back.

"He shed. Thanksh, but I don go that way."

Mal and Simon roared in laughter, and Jayne decided he'd had enough. He was drunk, they were drunk. It was time to do what he came here to do.

"Hey. Hey!" He waved them to quiet down, sloshing his drink all over the bar in the process. "Ah shit!" Jayne swore. "Hey barkeep! How's about 'nother whishkey." The bartender came over and refilled the glass while Jayne tried to work up the nerve to tell Mal and Simon. He downed his new shot and began seriously. "Cap, Doc, I gots something I need to tell ya's."

Mal took one look at the merc's reddening, but none the less solemn expression, and put his glass down. "A'right Jayne. What have ya's done now?"

"Ish good news, I's swear," he said, perhaps a bit too defensively. Jayne's gaze swung between each man, his body poised and prepped to defend himself… well at least he thought it was. "See I met this girl couple a monsh back. She's real purty, and smart, an she ain't 'fraid to stand up ta me none. An' I been courtin' her."

Mal burst out laughing at that point. "Ya been courtin's? Letsh set aside tha facts that we's been in the black for a while now. I'ms tryin ta pitcha yous courtin' anybody."

"Well see this the kinda girls ya courts," he explains. "An' I've axed her ta marry me. We's gonna settle down an have us some kids together." A wistful look comes over the big man's features and he has to shake himself out of the daydream. He still hasn't gotten to the hardest part yet.

"Di' she say yes?" Simon asks, speaking for the first time.

"Yup," Jayne says proudly, forgetting that he hadn't said who he was marrying. "I'm gonna make River's so's happy Doc, I swears it ta ya."

"Was River gots ta do with it?" Simon asked.

"Well I can't 'ave a weddings without the brides," Jayne points out reasonably.

"Yous marryin' River?" Simon stands up, holding onto the bar for support, so that he can glare down at the big guy.

"Yeah. Din I say that?"

"Nah, think ya,s forgots that part." Mal gets up to stand between them, rocking back and forth unsteadily on his feet. He tries to focus his gaze on Jayne, but he keeps going cross-eyed. "Now Jayne. Ya din't take 'vantage a the girl, ditcha? Cos I won' stand for no's girls getting' taken 'vantage of on my boat." He looks at his feet, trying to get them to move for his great "get into Jayne's face" plan, but as they won't budge, he settles for a glare and waving his finger around. "Tol ya that when yas firs came on the boat."

"Yup. Bu' River's jus so shiny, an… an she can fights. An sh'ain't scared a me's. We fits together like…" Jayne drifts off, at a loss to explain his feelings for Simon's sister.

"Y'ain gonna leave 'er 'igh an dry, are ya's?" Mal wants to know.

"Nope. S'like she says 'I gonna keep her wi'me till m'hair goes gray, an' my teeth fall out, an' I can' breath no more's." He waves the bartender over for another round.

Simon waits anxiously for the Captain's reaction, but is a bit surprised when Mal just takes a deep breath and pats Jayne on the shoulder. "Well, least i' won' be no extra mouths to feed… an' see tha ya does… keep 'er that is."

"But River's jus a kid," Simon protests.

"Hell she's all women now," Jayne jokes, taking a sip of whiskey.

Simon's face pales at the reminder of how his sister was 'violated' by the man before him. In a surprisingly graceful move he pulls back his fist, hauls Jayne around, and slugs him across the jaw. Simon swears, cradling his fist in his hand, while the merc staggers back into the patrons behind him, who just push him back up and go on with their drinking.

"Wha the hell'd ya do that for Doc?" Jayne growls as he regains his balance.

"Cos ya slept wit his sister ya idjit," Mal calls out as he props himself against the bar, whiskey in hand and prepares to watch the show. He knows he really oughta intervene, but watching the Doc try and beat on Jayne's gonna be hilarious. And Jayne can't do nothing much or River'll be angry with him, so until they get to seriously trying to kill each other, Mal's gonna let them have at it.

"Well yeah, but I'm gonna marry her," Jayne complains as Simon takes another swing at him. He dodges to the side, but loses his balance and falls into a table full of the bar's uglier patrons, toppling it over and spilling all the drinks.

"Hey!" One of them protested as the group leapt to their feet. At the bar Mal straightened up, sensing a fight that could actually end in loss of life or limb.

Jayne just ignored him and lunged for the doctor, spear tackling him to the floor.

"Jayne." Mal warned as the merc started pummelling his soon to be brother-in-law. "Jayne!"

"What?" he snapped, turning to look at his Captain. "He started it."

Jayne never saw the fist coming from his other side as one of the uglies took their best shot. But he certainly felt it, and came up swinging. On the floor Simon groaned, his hands going to his abdomen to check for damage. Mal got in on the fight, backing up Jayne and made his way over to the good doctor. He pulled Simon from the ground, and after staggering around for a few minutes Simon was forced to start defending himself.

Mal smiled as he took a punch to his temple. There may be no strippers, but this was turning into one hell of bachelor party.

River woke up early the next morning. She felt cold. The life support was in working order, but without Jayne's arms wrapped around her she felt like she was exposed to the harshest of elements. He wasn't on the boat, River realised. He hadn't come home last night.

Worry attacked her brain. The boat was not as full as it should be. There were far too many people missing. She had to organise a search party. River paused in her fretting only long enough to get dressed, and then ran out of her room towards the mess.

She charged in only to find Zoe already loading her shotgun. Kaylee and Inara were looking worried, and River knew instantly that she wasn't the only one concerned the with men's whereabouts, although perhaps she was the only one concerned with Jayne's.

All three women looked up at her entrance, but it was Zoe who spoke. "They haven't come back yet. Likely they just passed out at the bar, but we're gonna go check it out anyway. You wanna come?" The first mate already knew the answer and didn't wait for River's nod. She just strode out of the room in that purposeful way she had and led them to the bar that Jayne had taken the Captain and Simon to.

The place looked like it had been struck by a bomb… or one very violent mercenary. Broken bottles and smashed chairs were everywhere. There were one or two other men were still lying unconscious on the floor, but River only had eyes for her Jayne. She knelt beside him, pressing a kiss to his lips, as Inara and Kaylee tried waking up Mal and Simon. Beneath her Jayne's eyes fluttered open.

"What the gorram… River?" He squinted up at her and she ran a palm down the side of his face, letting him know she was there. His hand crawled up her arm to tangle in her hair and he pulled her down for a searing kiss.

When they parted, both breathless and panting, River leaned her forehead against Jayne's and whispered. "I completed my mission and all is well. They are happy for us." His hand lightly massaged the back of her neck and River leaned back into it slightly. Her husband-to-be had the most wonderful hands.

"Well I told 'em," he admitted. "As I recall Mal had no objections, s'long as I weren't takin' advantage of ya. Ya brother had a few, but I think we worked 'em out."

"You didn't hurt Simon too badly, did you?" River asked, glancing at her brother who was holding his head in his hands and being helped up by Kaylee.

"Nah. Think I only got in one or two shots afore the brawl started." Jayne looked around surveying the damage. They had really wrecked the place. His eyes returned to River. "Help an old man up darlin'?"

River took a hold of one hand and tugged, pulling Jayne into a sitting position. After a few false starts and several grunts, he managed to pull himself into an upright position using both River and an overturned table as handholds.

Mal was on his feet but clutching a hand to his side. There weren't no blood, so Jayne figured maybe it was a couple of bruised ribs. The Captain was sporting one hell of a shiner and a fat lip. The Doc was being supported by Kaylee and was holding the back of his head, and showing off a nice multicolour bruise on the side of his face. Jayne almost smiled, but it hurt a mite too much. Served the Doc right for hittin' on him in the first place.

At least he was smiling until River hit him up the back side of his head. "Ow! What the gorram was that for?" he growled to his fiancé.

"Don't wish ill of the injured."

"So whadaya call it when you hit this injured man over the head?"

She immediately turned a bright smile on him and his anger receded, little witch had no doubt learnt that trick off a Kaylee.

"I'll kiss it better," she offered.

Jayne immediately stiffened at the thought. "That a fact, is it."

Her grin widened and she nodded.

"That's the case, then I think I gotta nother injury for ya to look at. A bit further south." Jayne leered.

River's eyes widened and she grabbed his hand, intent on pulling him back to the ship.

"Hold it right there!" Mal warned, wincing at the loudness of his voice. The pair froze in their tracks. "Afore ya go prancing off to God knows where, we all gotta have a talk about this."

"Whys it we always gotta talk about e'rything on this gorram ship," Jayne muttered under his breath.

"Jayne! Got something to say?" Mal asked, using his 'not another word outta you' tone.

"No Mal." He was too gorram tired and sore for an argument this early in the morning. River ran a hand up and down his arm in sympathy, causing Jayne to smile down at her. She was one thing he was never gonna get tired of seein' this early in the morning, and that was something he got to enjoy for the rest of his life.

Mal watched the byplay with an expression of slight disgust on his face, nowhere near as bad as the doc's, but that weren't something ya wanted to be seein' after a hard night's drinking. "Zoe?" He turned to look at his dependable first mate who had been dealing with the owner of this little establishment.

"It's taken care of sir," she said, leading the way out of the bar. The others followed at a slower pace, each of the women helping their afflicted man.

River was tucked under Jayne's shoulder, trying not to be pushed into the dirt with each step the pair took. She knew last night had been difficult for him, telling her brother and the man she thought of as a father figure, that he was marrying their baby, and that they would soon be having babies of their own was enough to make any man drink. Still it was his own fault for getting so hammered that he couldn't make it back to the boat.

Which is probably why she growled at him. "Drinking to excess will be forbidden once the stork brings the baby." Causing Simon to come to an abrupt halt, his mouth hanging open and gaping at the pair.

"Baby?"

The End