A/N: If anybody was wondering why I've been neglecting my other fics, here's the reason. The idea for this story came to me one night, and it was originally intended to be a one-shot. One thing led to another, and 5 chapters later here we are. This is completely finished, and I will be posting a chapter a day. :)
This takes place post S3, kind of a replacement for a S4 or a "what could have happened instead" situation.
In this we explore Anna dealing with postpartum depression. Now I want to let you guys know that I did not take on this topic lightly. I have several members of my family who have experienced this, and I also heavily researched how they dealt with depression in the 1920's. What I found out is that, sadly, they didn't deal with it. Infant mortality rates were high as was suicide of the mothers. Women who lived through this were put in asylums or forced to deal with it on their own.
Now Anna does not have that severe of a case here, and of course she has the undying support of her husband. But I wanted to explore Anna's feelings of inadequacy as a mother, and wife as she deals with her raging emotions, as well as her insecurities.
This A/N is getting long so i'll wrap this up by saying that I hope you enjoy reading this. I put a lot into making this right, and handling this situation the right way. I only hope I succeeded. Thank you so so much to Alexis and Jo for encouraging me, and helping me get this story onto 'paper' so to speak ;) You two are amazing! Thank you all for your support, you know I love you guys. Enjoy xo
Disclaimer: I do not own Downton Abbey, or Bates and Anna.
This story is dedicated to my best friend who, in spite of all she's been through, carries herself with grace, dignity, love, and forgiveness. She is the strongest person that I know, and she reminds me every single day what it means to love and persevere. I am so blessed to have the privilege to know her and call her my best friend. I love you Sissy. This is for you. xoxo
It had been six months since Anna and John Bates had been blessed with the birth of their son; on their fourth wedding anniversary no less. William John Bates was a very sweet and happy baby; he had his moments where he fussed and cried, but for the most part he was very well behaved. He reminded Anna so much of John, her two brooders she would jokingly call them.
John had proved to be the wonderful father she'd always known he would be. He was always willing to get up with William in the night, or take him downstairs in the morning to let her get some extra sleep. John bathed him when he was home, and even changed his nappies. The bond they had formed warmed Anna's heart, and made her love her husband even more.
Yes, it felt as if their life was complete now. They were free to be with each other, and now they had sweet William to round out their little family.
Their life may be complete, but unfortunately in Anna's eyes it was far from perfect.
After William was born she'd felt an immediate connection with him. Such pure love rose inside of her in that moment as she held their son for the first time. The perfect symbol of their love, and all they shared.
All seemed perfectly well and normal until Anna had tried to feed him. Little William just wouldn't latch on, and Dr. Clarkson had finally recommended that they feed him from a bottle. He'd assured her that this wasn't uncommon, and that she had nothing to worry about. He even tried to ease the blow by reminding her that now her husband could help her with the late and early feedings, but Anna had immediately felt a piece of the connection she shared with her son break away. Of course she loved him...but every time she fed him from a bottle, or worse woke up to find that John had heard his hungry cries before her...it made her feel like less of a mother.
This began a downward spiral of inner turmoil for Anna over the next several months. She found herself feeling very tired all the time, but brushed it aside as part of adjusting to her new life as wife, mother, and caretaker of their house. Her tiredness did not let up over several weeks, and began to fuel her frustration. She would catch herself snapping at John when he was home over silly things, something she had very rarely ever done before. He would try to tell her to rest, but that would just annoy her more.
On the days when she wasn't feeling unnecessarily angry; she would drift off into a lull of melancholy and despair. She would let herself dwell on everything she'd done wrong that day, that week, that month….letting it pile, and add up until she felt the overwhelming desire to bolt out the door and leave it all behind. Then she would stop that train of thought. Anna Bates, what are you going on about? This isn't like you? She would tell herself, before pushing her feelings aside and continuing on with her day. But they would linger...like little leeches waiting to suck the happiness out of her soul.
On one particularly terrible day when he was about 3 months old William had started crying immediately after John left to go to work. Anna tried everything to get him to settle down throughout the day; she fed him, changed him, read to him, sang to him, even tried giving him a soothing bath….nothing worked.
"Please darling," she begged, "please just be quiet for mummy for a little while. I know you would rather have your daddy, but he's not here." She rocked him gently as she pleaded, but to no avail. Finally she just couldn't take it anymore, and broke down crying along with him. She couldn't even soothe her own son.
She gently laid him down in his crib, and let him cry as she sobbed in the chair beside him. Once she'd cried every tear she could she just rocked and listened to the constant reminder of her failure as he whimpered from his bed.
This was how John found them several hours later when he got home. William had worked up a new round of wailing as he walked in the door, but Anna could hardly hear it anymore. She just rocked, and stared blankly at the wall. John made his way quickly to the room, and she barely registered the shock on his face at the sight before him. He immediately moved to the crib to pick up William, and noticed that his face was red, and swollen. He must have been crying for hours.
"Anna, what's going on?" She knew he could see the vacant look in her eyes, and tried to reign in some kind of emotion, but she had nothing. She finally managed to whisper a response.
"He just wouldn't stop crying. I did everything I could think of...he just wouldn't stop, and I didn't know what to do." Her words sounded just as hollow as she looked.
"Don't worry love, it happens sometimes. He was just having a rough day it's nothing you did or didn't do." She knew he was trying to reassure her.
She watched as John rocked William gently, and had him quieted down and settled within five minutes. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to lash out at him and scream...why could he do what she couldn't? What made him so special? But all she felt in that moment was shame. What a poor excuse for a mother she'd turned out to be….she was sure Vera was laughing from her personal pit in hell.
She realized John was speaking, and focused her attention back on him.
"Why don't you get some sleep love. I'm sure you're exhausted. I can take care of Will tonight." She could see the intense worry and concern in his eyes. Was he horrified at her for letting their son cry? Did he think she was a bad mother too? She wouldn't blame him… She silently nodded, and made her way to the bed to lay down. His worried eyes followed her, and he walked over to her before leaving the room.
"Are you alright, Anna? Is it more than just being tired?" His words were full of so much love; a love she cherished so much even in the midst of the darkness...especially then. She placed her hand gently on his cheek. She didn't deserve this man.
"I'm fine John." She whispered. "I just need some sleep."
He smiled gently, and leaned down to place a soft kiss on her forehead. "I love you." He whispered as he made his way to the door.
"I love you too." She whispered back as he left her to rest….but rest was a luxury she'd long since forgotten.
After that incident things got a little better for a while. William didn't have anymore meltdowns like he'd had that day, and Anna was able to keep the darkness at bay while she cared for her family. Now at six months old William was growing like a weed, and Anna and John relished in the growth he showed not just physically, but mentally. He'd been getting closer to forming his first words, although it still all sounded like well intentioned babbles. He'd also begun to crawl, and she had a time trying to keep up with him. His little personality brought so much light into her life that for a short time she thought the darkness was gone for good. But it seemed like just when she'd make progress in one area, another ugly demon would rear it's head. This time it was her insecurity.
She and John had not made love since before William was born...a few months before in fact.
In wasn't from lack of interest. John had tried to initiate intimacy a few times, but Anna just couldn't do it and John always backed off. Reassuring her that he would wait until she was ready.
Anna missed being with her husband. The passion, the intensity, the pleasure...she loved feeling close to him. As close as two people could possibly be. However, since having William she'd felt so insecure about her body. Pregnancy had changed her in ways she didn't much like. Her breasts were larger, and weren't nearly as pert as they used to be. Her stomach had not returned to its previous tightness; instead her skin sagged slightly. Her hips had expanded...all normal changes when you have a baby, but Anna felt such despair when she looked in the mirror. She wasn't the same person her husband had married. He still called her beautiful on a daily basis, but he had yet to see what was hidden beneath her clothes.
She had no idea how she had managed to evade him. She always bathed before he got home from the Abbey therefore she was usually in bed asleep when he came in. On his half days when he was with her at bedtime he would sometimes try to deepen their good night kisses, but she would pull away and claim tiredness. He never pushed, never mentioned it; he was always her loving sweet John.
Her mother's words rang loudly in her head every time she turned him away.
"You will have wifely duties Anna. Your job is to allow your husband his pleasure. If you deny him he will only seek it elsewhere."
Anna knew that wasn't true. John would never step out on her. Never. But she did feel that by denying him, she wasn't fulfilling her role as his wife.
Deep down she knew he didn't feel that way, but the thought still nagged at her viciously.
She could tell however that all of it; her attitude, her despondency, her rejection, was starting to take a toll on him. He was worried about her. He hadn't voiced it, but the way he had been looking at her across the table at breakfast said more than his words ever could.
The tension between them grew and grew until one night they finally broke.
Anna had been laying in bed reading when she heard him enter and move around downstairs. William was sound asleep in his crib in the corner of their room.
Suddenly feeling very nervous she put her book away, and laid down. Her back to John's side of the bed. She heard him enter their room as quietly as he could, and change quickly into his pajamas. She tried not to move as he laid down beside her. She knew she wasn't fooling him, and her thoughts were confirmed when she felt his fingers graze down her arm. Her insides tightened; his touch lighting a fire deep inside of her. She wanted to be with him so badly, but she just couldn't. He would be disgusted if he saw her. She wouldn't survive watching that heated look dissipate at the sight of her body.
"Anna? Love, I know you're awake. Are you alright?" He whispered gently, continuing to rub her arm.
She took a deep breath, and turned to face him. His eyes were worried, and dark.
"I'm fine John." She whispered back, reaching up to play with the hair peeking out of the top of his shirt. He always left it slightly unbuttoned for her; which normally made her smile.
"You haven't been acting fine. Something is wrong. Please tell me." His voice was pleading, and Anna felt tears burn her eyes. She shook her head gently refusing to make eye contact with him. "Anna, please love. Is it something I've done? Do you..."
She looked at him then, and saw the hurt in his eyes. "Do I what John?"
He gathered himself before he responded; his hold on her tightening slightly. "Do you...feel differently about...about us?"
"What?" She couldn't contain the shock in her voice, but then it hit her. She hadn't been fooling him at all these past months, and he thought she didn't want him anymore. Oh John...her darling, loving, self deprecating husband. She could see how her actions could have led to this line of thought. She had to tell him. He deserved to know. Before she could respond he dropped his hand from her arm, and sat up in the bed. She followed his actions, waiting for him to speak.
"You haven't been yourself lately. I know it's hard to be home with William all day, and you must be so tired. Even as good as he is, he is still a baby. I just...I haven't been able to shake the feeling that it's more than that, Anna." He looked over at her then. "I would never pressure you, I hope you know that."
She nodded. "I do."
"Good." He took her hand into his lap and caressed it gently. "Good, because I have been thinking about it, and if you no longer...well if you no longer want to be intimate with me, I understand. I would be perfectly content to just hold you for the rest..." Anna silenced him by pressing her finger to his lips. She noticed tears in his eyes, and felt as if her heart would shatter. He really believed she didn't want him anymore.
"John, I believe I owe you an apology..."
"Why would you ever need to apologize? You've done nothing..." He was adamant, but again Anna silenced him; this time with a look.
"Just let me finish." He nodded so she went on. "I am sorry that I made you believe I didn't want you anymore. That is the furthest thing from the truth. I know I have used being tired as an excuse, and that was true at first, but..." She lowered her head, but felt John's fingers beneath her chin lifting her gaze. His thumb caressed her bottom lip gently.
"Darling, you can tell me anything. I see this is hurting you. Please Anna, I just want to help."
Anna felt the fear clench her throat closed. She opened her mouth, but no words would come out. The tears finally broke through, and a sob escaped her. She couldn't do this. He was just going to tell her she was being ridiculous about it all;that she was a wonderful mother, and that she was beautiful, but it would all be a lie.
Even if he did find her body repulsive she knew he would never tell her. He would still make love to her, but it would never be the same. She felt like she couldn't get enough air in her lungs, and she could barely make out the sound of John's voice trying to comfort her.
"I can't." She gasped. "I can't do it." With that she leaped from the bed, and ran across the hall; locking herself in the guest bedroom. She slid down the wall; her arms wrapped tightly around her body as the sobs had their way with her. She could hear her husband's panicked voice on the other side of the door begging her to let him in. She wanted to. She so badly wanted him to hold her in the safety of his arms. To hear his reassuring words of love. More than anything she wanted to just conquer her fear, and tell him everything that was happening...but fear was a powerful demon, and it had slowly seeped into her soul. Blacking out the love she so badly needed right now.
After what felt like hours Anna felt her breathing return to normal, and the pressure ease from her body. For a moment there was silence, but then John's voice came from the other side of the door.
"Anna? Anna, are you alright? Please let me in." He sounded anguished, and defeated. How long had he been out there begging for her to come out?
She placed her hand on the door.
"I'm alright John." She spoke only loud enough for him to hear. "I just need some time."
"I'm here darling." He whispered back.
After a little more time had passed she finally managed to gather her strength. She stood, and walked to the small mirror. She looked a fright with her puffy eyes, and red blotches covering her face and neck. She must have pulled on her hair during her episode. She straightened it the best she could. Placing her hand on the door knob she took a steadying breath, and opened it. She gasped at the sight before her. John was sitting on the floor, his bad leg stretched out beside him, and his hand fell as if he had been resting it on the door. He looked up at her, and stood as quickly as he could. She put her hand under his arm to help him. When he finally stood before her he moved to place his hands on her cheeks, but stopped himself. Instead he stood staring at her, his eyes were red and swollen as well telling her he had been crying. Her heart ached.
"You didn't have to stay out here. That couldn't have been comfortable for you."
"Anna..." He shook his head, and turned it to the side. Returning his gaze to her he slowly took her hands in his. "I couldn't leave you. I had to know...if anything had happened..." His voice caught.
She placed her hand gently on his cheek. "I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." It was a lie, but she just didn't have the strength to deal with this tonight. He met her eyes, and she somehow knew what he was going to say.
"Anna Bates, I don't believe that for a second." She flinched, but then relaxed when he squeezed her hands. "But darling, I will never pressure you. You will tell me in your own time, when you're ready. God, I love you so much Anna. I just want you to be alright." He cradled her cheek in his hand, wiping the tears away. She placed her hand over his, and turned her head to kiss his palm.
"I love you too." She whispered back.
"Come on darling. Let's go to bed." She let him guide her back to their room. When they laid down she could tell he was shocked when she cradled herself beside him, and rested her head on his chest. As his arms wrapped around her tightly she drifted into an exhausted, restless sleep.
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