It Starts With Letting Go

Disclaimer: Thanks to the MAOS writers for letting me play with THEIR characters.

Chapter 1.

Coulson rolled from his stomach onto his back on the bed. He was still dressed, slacks and shirt, sans coat, tie and shoes. He grunted as the bright sunshine poked at his eyes. He realized sleepily that he hadn't slept long enough to wake with the sun in a very long time. It really felt good, and he lay contentedly, breathing lazily the musty smell of the cheap motel room. It felt comfortable even as it occurred to him that this may truly be his future. That is, waking in strange places since he was on the run. He amazed himself at not being upset at all about it. He thought about his friends in nearby rooms and realized that it was them, not the bed or room that actually was making him feel comfortable. Of course every one of them had bittersweet memories of their pasts, just as he did. It was actually the glue that held them together as a group. He knew it probably wouldn't last forever, but damned if he wasn't going to start enjoying it now. He smiled idly as he felt an arm and hand reach over and land on his chest. May and he had talked into the night about T.A.H.I.T.I. and what it meant. The conversation had taken him through a gamut of emotions. From astonishment, to fear, to anger at Fury had all stormed through until he was exhausted and fell asleep on one of the beds. He hadn't expected to wake up with May beside him, but it wasn't so awful.

"You're awake." May always stated the obvious tersely and without inflection. He wasn't sure if she was glad or unhappy about it. He twisted a little to look at her face.

"I figured you'd take the other bed." He said, trying to match her tone. She sighed.

"Nightmares." She replied. "Jesus, Phil. Do you remember them?" It was his turn to sigh.

"Not really. But, after what we learned last night, I guess that's a good thing." He told her. "May… there's something I need to know… but you're probably going to laugh." She already knew what it was.

"There was nothing in your grave except for an empty casket and the information." She smiled, but didn't laugh at his fear. Instead, she thumped him on the chest as she rose to head for the shower.
"What's in here is all original. Don't ever doubt it, Phil." She told him. She couldn't help but note though that he still had a touch of fear around his eyes. Phil didn't know it, but he had a tell when it came to fear. His eyes softened and became more rounded, and she knew.

"Do you…do you think I'll get the symptoms?" He asked in a voice so soft that she barely heard. She would never lie to this man again. She came around the bed to his side and sat down. Reaching out, she cupped his face and looked directly in his eyes.

"I don't know. Neither do you. And as difficult as it is to know that, we have to go on. One thing you can know for sure though is that I will always be here watching over you. Whatever happens, no one will harm you in any way as long as I draw breath. You can believe that, Phil."

Coulson nodded, his eyes never leaving hers. "I'm sorry I doubted you, May."

She smiled then. "Well, you did have a few things on your mind at the time, so I forgive you. But listen, my friend…" May accentuated her words by throwing a leg over him and sitting on his belly. "I can take you any time I want. You got it?" Coulson didn't even move, he just grinned at her.

"Is this a promise?" He said provocatively. She just snorted and made her way into the shower, grabbing her bag as she went.

Coulson got up and changed from his old suit to some jeans and a sweater. He didn't relish the thought at all of telling his team that he was the one who had at one time supervised what he knew now to be a heartlessly put together program. He even felt somewhat ambivalent now about what had been done to him. Didn't he deserve it? After all, he had put others through it, and even though they would have died from their injuries anyway, and they had volunteered, it still was torture. He was glad to see on the computer that he had brought this all up to Fury, and had resigned, but he couldn't help but feel a deep guilt over his own participation.

And then there was Skye. What would happen with her. What had he done to her? Had he made her a ticking time bomb as well?

He grabbed the computer and walked out to the table by the pool. He was a little surprised that his team was already ensconced around it. They looked up when he appeared.

"Donut?" Skye asked as she held up a chocolate one. "I got your coffee the way you like it, and they even supplied me with a thermos to keep it warm." He smiled at her thoughtfulness, gratefully took what she offered and sat with them placing the laptop in the center of the table.

"May's here." He said at their expectant looks. This was harder than he thought. He gestured at the laptop. "She found out who was behind the T.A.H.I.T.I. project." He paused as he looked at them. This was it. He could lose the newfound friendships he had forged in the next few minutes, but he was done with keeping things from them.

"It's… well, I guess you should just watch this." He said and turned on the video. He sat stiffly looking down at the deck while they watched, cringing at the gasps that escaped Jemma and Skye. May stepped out from the room quietly and stood behind him. She would have handled this more secretly, but this was Coulson, and damn, but the man was stubborn about not keeping secrets!

The video finished and Coulson closed the laptop. He sat quietly awaiting his fate, cool on the outside, a hot mess on the inside. And then the most surprising thing happened. Without a word, Skye got up and walked to him. She gently wrapped her arms around his head and held him tightly to her. While he was freaking out about this, Jemma leaned across the table and took his hand and held it. Fitz wasn't sure about touching, so he just pulled his chair closer to Coulson's and Tripp stayed put as well.

Okay, why are they all not yelling, leaving, angry? Coulson thought frantically. Finally, one of them, he thought it was Skye, spoke.

"I'm gonna fucking kill Fury!" Jemma squeezed Coulson's hand and added,

"Stand in line, Sister!"

Phil raised his head and looked at them quizzically. "But… I was responsible for this program. Aren't you mad at me?"

"You were ordered to direct a program that could possibly save people, AC." Skye spoke up. "When you realized the cost to human life, you resigned and asked that the program be stopped. Then, without your consent, Fury put you through what he knew to be a dangerous, potentially devastating procedure. How, exactly is that your fault?"

Phil took in what she just said. Okay, he thought. I guess I really can't be held responsible for the outcome of something that started off with the potential to save lives. When I found out how horrible it was, I resigned, but shouldn't I have done more?

"I should have done more." He said to Skye. She shrugged.

"Like what? Tell the world about Fury's evil plan? First, who would believe you even if you stole documents about it as proof. Everything can be falsified these days. And, do you think Fury would have let you live? I don't think you would have made it to your next birthday if he even suspected you were going to do something like that." She replied fervently.

"But, I knew… I just followed Fury like Ward followed Garrett." Phil said softly.

"OH, NO!" Jemma said forcefully. "You had a conscience, Agent Coulson. Even though it seems like Fury mentored you from a very young age, you did not compromise your morality for him. Ward killed people in cold blood. He even killed friends. Do not compare this to what he did. Lots of people are lost, abused and neglected from a young age, but they do not turn into psychopaths. They endure. They plan to make a life that leaves all that behind, and when they get the chance, when they make the chance, they escape. Life may not be perfect for them, but they don't hurt other people like they were hurt. You didn't deserve what Fury did to you, and I don't really get why he did it after seeing this video." She shook her head.

"What about Skye?" Fitz asked quietly. Coulson tried to move his head to look at her, but she held him tightly.

"Skye is fine." She told the others. "For whatever reasons, I never suffered the treatment like AC. My memories were not erased, but I am fine." She looked around at the others, knowing everyone was thinking about her 0-8-4 status that she had told them all about earlier. She stepped back from Coulson and looked around at the others.

"I'm glad you shared this." Tripp said. He looked a little embarrassed, but added. "And I'm just plain sorry I doubted you earlier, sir."

"No worries." Coulson replied. He looked around at the others and spoke. "I know this affects how you all see me as a leader. It….it may be hard to not question my orders now…."

"Sir," Jemma spoke up. "I've seen your loyalties now. They are not to Fury or S.H.I.E.L.D. They are to humanity, to doing what's right even when it would be a lot easier to just obey orders. This is the man I want to follow. These are the reasons I want to dedicate my life to." She turned to Fitz and smiled. "And thank you, Fitz, for reminding me of it."

Fitz blushed furiously, but nodded at his lifelong friend in agreement.

"So," Skye grinned as she and May sat back down at the table, "did I tell you guys how Lola rescued me from Deathlok?" Coulson smiled as he remembered. It hadn't been funny at the time, but now he could see the humor. He reddened when he heard May's voice…

"And he actually paid the valet twenty bucks?"

tbc