When Harry Met Spewies
Chapter 1
:Author's Note: This is just a fun little ficlet that I'm not entirely serious about. I was inspired to write it based upon how much I love my spewies. They keep me going! I love all of you! Infinite x's and o's.
One fine day, with a woman and a bird, a baby was born, was the best of the herd. This baby was a chat program called mIRC. Now, I know you're all thinking "WTF does this have to do with Harry Potter, you effed-up psycho?" Well, I shall get to that.
In an alternate universe, another baby was born to a witch in a wizard. Unfortunately for this little sucker, his parents were killed by the one…the only…LORD VOLDEMORT :le gasp:. The baby grew up to be known as Harry Potter, in a house full of two whacked-up muggles and their whale cough Dudley cough, and his life was forever changed when he was invited to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy. But listen bitch, this story isn't about that. If you want to know what happened at Hogwarts then why don't you go out to Barnes and Noble and pick up the freaking books? Jeeze.
So anyways, in the summer after his fifth year at school, Harry realized he was bored. So what did he do? Well, what any sensible kid would do. He got on the computer. Not just any computer…DUDLEY'S computer. 'S all good though, cuz Big D was out at McDonalds with his rat pack. So yeah. Harry took over his computer.
Whilst he was learning to use the internet, young Harry stumbled across a fan site dedicated to…himself? He was rather enticed by the aforementioned site and proceeded to enter its chatroom. What he found there forever changed his life. Sort of.
Harry Potter leaned back in the computer chair and waited patiently for the chat program to load. He stretched his arms, yawned, and checked the clock. Dudley wouldn't be home for another forty-five minutes. Harry directed his attention back to the computer. The chat program proceeded to load and he entered his nickname, HarryPotter.
A window flashed up on the screen and dazzled his eyes. Suddenly he saw a "Topic" and several users chatting. A person named SLestrange said, "Hi HP…creative name."
"Thanks," Harry typed. He stared at the screen in puzzlement, his green eyes blazing slightly.
The person called SLestrange wrote to him again. "Do you want to come into my room? #spew?"
Harry wasn't sure what that meant, so he typed, "Sure…how?"
After a couple of minutes of uncertainty, Harry found his way into #spew. The users in there greeted him warmly. Or so he thought.
peon: ahoy! Who the hell are you?
Vinny: your mom.
MrsPadfloozy: W00T
Midders: SNOW SNOW SNOW
DoubleC: OMB RICHIE IS COMING OVER
:Quellie slaps Kayla around with a large trout:
:Nicola slaps Quel around with a large trout:
Buckbeak: I'm hott. And I like bagged milk.
SLestrange: guys, this is HarryPotter!
Wands: wow, um, cool name.
HarryPotter: er…thanks?
Quellie: where you from, HP?
HarryPotter: London
nicola: LETS GO OUT
HarryPotter: umm…no.
PetPeeves: So what's your real name, HP?
HarryPotter: Harry.
:Quellie gags:
:Wandsy sniggers:
Kallee: M0000 bovine spongiform!
starfreak28: ooga booga!
Maffeh: I got a new xanga layout! Again!
Bobbseh: ASS BUTTER! ASS BUTTER!
HarryPotter: er…
SLestrange: you say "er" too much, fiend. Stop it. You're annoying the queen.
HarryPotter: I see no queen.
SLestrange: BLASPHEMY! HANG HIM!
Quellie: SANA BE MY LOVER
DoubleC: EH MY GOD KEL, MARRY ME
Vinny: marry ME kayla
Mrspadfloozy: shove it up your ass, bitches! I'm all emo!
Midders: SNOW SNOW SNOW
peon: ….it's july.
Suffice it to say, Harry was rather entertained by the random outbursts of the so called "spewies." For the next week, he spent as much time as possible in the chatroom, befriending the spewies and forgetting entirely about his impending doom. He bonded in a manly way with peon, Buckbeak, and PiercedTeddyBear, went on kissing sprees with all the girls, endured Sana's taunts, learned the meaning of chat lingo such as "n00b", "w00t", "ROAR", "cuck", and "tasmot", and generally had a good time.
After several weeks of online correspondence, Harry decided to send a letter to one of the spewies. The lucky recipient was the first person he had met online: the lovely SLestrange, whose real name was Sana. Harry wrote her a friendly letter, addressed the envelope (Miss Sana Sigh-Head, Kentucky, United States) and sent Hedwig on her way. Sana was kind of shocked to see a real owl, but this story is about Harry, and no one cares about Sana anyway, so let's continue on with the tale.
Eventually Harry got to be so close with the spewies that he wrote them letters all the time, called some of them nearly ever day (except Kayla, who was really being a bitch about the whole thing), and wrote posts about them on his xanga. The time came when Harry decided that he needed to meet his new spew friends. 'Cuz after all, Ron and Hermione were bound to end up snogging for most of sixth year, and where would that leave him?
Unfortunately, Harry was due to return to Hogwarts in four days, and that did not give him enough time to meet the spewies. He extended to them an invitation to visit him at school, but he realized glumly that they most likely would not be able to. So Harry packed his bags to catch the Hogwarts express, bid farewell to his spewies until the next summer, and prepared to face Malfoy, Voldemort, and all those bastards again.
:A/N: ahem, so that was the first chapter of "When Harry Met Spewies." I plan to continue this, but I'm not sure how, so please review and give me suggestions, bitches!
Cuck, Roar, Tasmot7704! Oh, and, if you're not a spewie but for some reason you just read this and could not figure out what was going on, I invite you to go come to our chatroom. Go to mugglenet, enter the server, and come join #spew. We'll probably make fun of you, but hey, 's all good playa.