Reindeer on a Mission, an one piece fanfic

Hi, everyone. This is what comes from watching a BBC documentary on reindeer. I'll share it all in one long chapter, since today's Christmas and this is sort of (not really, but closely) a Christmas story. Please, don't take it too serious. It was written more or less between the handing out of presents and turkey. Hope you enjoy, and: Please feel free to review.

Disclaimer: I do not own "One Piece" and/or any of its characters or creatures, and I do not make money out of this.

As far as Zoro knew they were heading for another winter island. Just another winter island, and he was determined not to be excited about it. Luffy, Usopp and Chopper milled around on deck, throwing snow balls at each other. Children at play. Zoro sat with his back against the mast, trying to have a kip despite the turmoil.

His attitude of indifference changed, however, when the sleigh crashed on deck, missing him by inches.

'What the heck?' Zoro sat up and stared. It was a sleigh, alright, and it was lying on its side. Luffy and the others were already closing in, making sounds of surprise and astonishment.

Sanji walked by, humming a little creative interpretation on a famous East-Blue song, "Reindeer keep falling on my head".

'Idiot,' hissed Zoro. 'It didn't fall on me. Besides, these are not really reindeer pulling that thing.'

He pointed to where Chopper was trying to disentangle the animals and backed off as something strange started to happen: The five reindeer started to glow and to shrink until all that was left were five little gnomes with long noses and withered faces. They looked a bit like the things some people put in their front yard to try their neighborhood's patience.

A sixth gnome was crawling up from the driver's seat.

'Shit,' it said, which wasn't something you'd expect from a magical being, but earned it the sympathy of the better part of Straw Hats at first go. 'Shit, shit, shitty crap!'

'It speaks our language,' said Sanji, astonished.

'It speaks your language,' Zoro corrected. 'Ask it, what it wants.'

It obviously wanted a large, quite heavy bag that lay on the floor on the other side of the tilted sleigh. Luffy reached out, lifted the bag up and set it down in front of the gnome.

'Hey, thanks,' said the gnome and proceeded to open the bag and check its contents. The other five gathered round and heaved a collective sigh of relief, 'Whew.'

'Er...who are you?' asked Luffy.

'Us?' The gnomes finally realized that they were in company and turned their attention to the pirates. The little creature that seemed to be the leader said, 'We are Yaoul-gnomes. I'm Tuck. And these are,' he pointed, 'Buck, Ruck, Nuck, Huck and Luck.' He glowered. 'Not quite so lucky today, eh, buddy?'

'Your choice of names is certainly remarkable,' said Robin.

'Yeah, well, there are only fourteen of us,' said Tuck. 'So we can afford to skip some letters. I mean, who would want his name to begin with a "Y" or a "S", not to mention "F"...?'

'What are you doing on our ship?' asked Robin, since Luffy was too busy giggling once the pun had registered.

'We crashed, obviously' said Tuck. 'I kept telling them: Five reindeer cannot pull that sleigh. The Yaoul ritual requires six or it won't work.'

'Well, then...,' said Robin. 'Where is the sixth reindeer?'

'Usually, that's me,' Tuck explained. 'But our seventh member left, and someone's got to steer, so...'

'What are you doing, anyway, flying that sleigh?' asked Usopp.

'That's a long story,' said Tuck. 'I'll try to keep it short, though: We Yaoul-gnomes live in the snowy mountains of the island you're heading to. There are humans, too, living in one-thousand and eighty-six houses to be precise. And lapins.'

'Lapins?' asked Luffy and Sanji in unison, and 'Lapins?' said Chopper, sounding shocked.

'What's lapins?' asked Zoro.

'Flesh-eating monster rabbits,' said Sanji, 'Luffy and I met them when we were taking Nami to Chopper and that crazy grandma doc.'

'Her name's Doctor Kuleha, and lapins are a reindeer's worst fear,' said Chopper, shaking.

'Actually, they're not that bad,' said Tuck. 'I mean, yes, they probably are when you're a reindeer or an unprotected human alone in the wilderness. But we Yaoul-gnomes know how to light fires that keep them away from human habitats. That's what we do, flying this sleigh. This bag contains the eggs of snow birds. We filled them with a powder of our making that will start to glow when the egg is broken. Now, in the darkest day of the year and the two nights that follow, humans attach lanterns to their roofs, just above the main door. We Yaoul-gnomes come, land on the roof, and break an egg in each lantern. It's symbolic, mostly. Look, it says, this may be the darkest day and monsters be out there, but the sun will rise again on you people. That's why we use reindeer to pull the sleigh, by the way. They are traditionally messengers of better times, as well.'

'Sounds a bit like a hassle to me,' growled Zoro. 'All that flying around, just for the sake of symbolism? Couldn't these people simply light fires of their own?'

'They could, of course,' said Ruck. 'But you got to understand: Those three nights, called the "Yaoul-nights", and the fires that spring from our snow birds' eggs are special. It's been like that for as long as humans lived on this island. Besides, they provide for us during the rest of the year in exchange.'

'Love their chocolate cakes,' said Buck.

'And goat milk cheese,' said Nuck.

'There won't be any goat milk cheese and cake next year,' shouted Tuck. 'Puck and the other six are probably halfway though with the one-thousand and two-hundred-forty-five houses on the other island. But we can't fulfill our side of the bargain on ours!'

Chopper shuffled his foot. 'Well, if you're missing a reindeer...,' he said.

'That's an awesome idea!' Luffy threw up his arms. 'Let's go!'

'Luffy? Chopper was talking only about himself,' said Usopp. But Luffy was radiating eagerness.

'Can you turn us into reindeer?' he asked of Tuck.

'I guess so,' said Tuck, reluctantly. 'Sure. No problem.'

'Come on, this is going to be fun. Usopp! Sanji! Zoro! Let's break some symbolic eggs!'

The crew did not exactly share their captain's enthusiasm.

'Does anyone want my opinion on this?' said Sanji.

'Since I don't speak Yaoul-gnome language, the answer is "no",' said Zoro. 'But seriously, Luffy – '

'I am being serious. With Chopper, that's five then.' Luffy looked at Robin, who raised her hands in defense, 'Count me out of this one,' she said. 'I'd love to help but my powers are about sprouting hands, not hooves.'

'Yes, exactly,' said Zoro. 'Luffy, I keep thinking that if what you said about lapins is true then – '

'If?' said Sanji, 'Shit, marimo, I happened to be there and I – '

'What?!' Zoro put his hand to his ear and made a puzzled face, 'Sor-ry. Can't under-stand you!'

Luffy said, 'That's okay, Robin. You can take the driver's seat. Nami can be the sixth reindeer. She's below deck. Shall I call her?'

'That won't be necessary.' Tuck reached out and ripped a tuft of hair from Ruck's head. While his comrade protested, rubbing his scalp, he blew the hairs in the direction of the Straw Hats. Zoro swiftly grabbed Usopp and used him as a living shield.

'Oi, Zoro!' Usopp struggled. 'Are you nuts?'

'Not ready yet!' Horrified, Zoro realized that the sniper was slipping out of his hands. No, not slipping: Usopp's form was changing.

'I'm sorry, Zoro,' said Luffy, watching with interest as a hair touched his chest and was turned into glittering dust that seemed to melt into his skin. 'What was it you wanted to say?'

'Never mind,' said Zoro, wondering how in hell he was going to keep all these legs apart. To make things worse, some of them seemed to belong to Usopp. 'It's too late now, anyway. Stop kicking, idiot. I'd love to get up and away from you. But when I try to move my hand, I keep finding it's a foot.'

The transformation was quick and painless. Luffy felt his body bend over double until his hands touched the planks. He looked down himself, finding his body gone. All he could see was two slender legs covered in short brown fur that ended in hooves. He lifted one leg and was forced to balance a little. He lowered his head and looked under his white-furred belly: 'Cooool!'

Bonk. His head received a small shock.

'Careful with those antlers,' said Chopper. 'And – oh, no! No, no – '

Whomp.

'Who was that?' asked Luffy, referring to the reindeer that was lying in a heap.

'Me,' moaned the reindeer in question. It had Sanji's voice. When it raised its head, Luffy could see the curled eyebrow. And a mop of long, silken fur hanging down over the other eye.

'Balance is different on four legs,' explained Chopper, who had also changed into his reindeer form in order to demonstrate. 'You need to figure out how to stand before you figure out how to jump-spin-drop-kick. Or whatever it was you were trying to do just now.'

'I,' moaned Sanji, 'was trying to take a step forward.'

'Look at me! Look at me!' That was a reindeer featuring a particularly long nose, strutting past. He held his head up high and swung it proudly from the left to the right in time with his steps. But there was something strange about his gait. Luffy just couldn't think of what it was.

'Awesome, Usopp,' said Chopper. 'But you're moving like a camel. They do it right – right – left – left, two at the same time. But with us reindeer, it's right leg front, left leg back, left leg front, right leg back, left leg – '

'Ouch,' protested Usopp who had treaded on his own foot. 'Who's supposed to remember that?'

'What's with the world?' yelled Sanji. 'What's with that shitty sky?'

Chopper turned to him, meaning to be helpful.

'I don't know,' he said, trying to make out what could possibly be the problem. 'What's with the sky?'

'It looks purple!'

'Oh that. That's ultraviolet. We reindeer can see it.'

'Shit! That's freaky!'

'Once you try to make out white-furred enemies in a snowy area you start seeing the benefit,' Chopper explained patiently. 'Really. You'll see.'

'Mmmmyyyyaaargh!' A reindeer with a shock of green hair and three golden earrings stood like a newborn calf on skates, all four legs spread wide and shaking. 'What's with these damned feet?'

'Hooves,' said Chopper, starting to sound a bit stressed. 'Designed to walk on ice.'

'Mmmmmyyyaaaargh!'

'Left – left – Chopper? Quick! What's next? Argh!'

'Shit!'

'Actually, it's quite easy.' Chopper nearly sobbed. All around him, reindeer went whomp, 'oof', bonk, dong, clatter, 'whaarg' and 'EEEEK!'

'Eeeeek?' Everyone turned to the galley door: Another reindeer with particularly large, soft and long-lashed eyes had appeared, and it screamed on top of its lungs, 'What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?'

'Er, hi, Nami,' said Luffy.

She leaped on deck, prancing, kicking the air, 'Luffy! Guys! I'm a reindeer!' She galloped round and round the deck, stomping her hooves and shaking her head, 'I'm a reindeer! A reindeer! What's with that sky? It's ultraviolet!'

The Straw Hats craned their necks to follow her mad circles.

'See,' said Chopper, heaving a sigh of relief. 'That's how it's done!'

Fifteen minutes later, the necessary explanations were given, balance – the psychical and the physical – re-established and the pirate-reindeer were in harness and ready for take-off. Tuck would accompany them, while Buck, Huck and Ruck returned to their mountain home. Luck and Nuck were assigned to stay aboard and guard the ship. Tuck seated himself in the sleigh.

'I'm going to take on my Yaoul-Messenger-form,' he said. 'I hope you don't mind, But it's what people expect to see.'

Even as he spoke, he started to glow and to swell up. He ended up as a shining orb like a miniature moon on the seat beside the driver.

'Fine by me. This way we'll at least see where we're going.' Robin circled the sleigh and tested the straps. 'Looks good. Let's go.'

'Will you check my katana one last time,' said Zoro. 'I've got a feeling it's going to slip...'

'It's safe, Zoro,' Robin assured him. 'I used double knots to fixate it to your back.'

He insisted, 'Will I be able to draw quickly? The hilt must be within reach of my teeth.'

'It is,' Robin said. 'Everyone else got what they need? Not you, Sanji. I told you. This is a non-smoking flight.'

She climbed on to the driver's seat and tapped the reins to the reindeer backs.

'Hey!' protested Nami, starting up.

'Hooray,' shouted Luffy. 'Let's go.'

'Whips. I had almost forgotten how I hate these things,' said Chopper derisively.

But they got going: Nami, next to Chopper on the left in the first row, started at a trot. Sanji, walking last row right and thus as far as possible from the object of his desire, reliably did the same. He bumped into Usopp in front of him who was a little late in sorting out his feet. Usopp reared up. Luffy, who was strapped in behind Nami, showed a stubborn tendency to steer away from the formation. Chopper marched ahead stoically, just as these things needed to be done.

And Zoro had turned around and stood facing Robin with large, soft, brown reindeer eyes.

'Zoro,' she said, pointing with her whip. 'The other way round.'

'Oops. Sorry.'

The first gallop leaps took the transformed Straw Hat pirates up in the air, and from there on things improved greatly. They feel in step with each other, not so much because they were ready to, but because being in harness together made it very uncomfortable permanently to strive against the rhythm.

No one of the people waiting down on the ground knew that the reindeer with the funny straw hat kept suggesting to try and pull off some stunts, while the long-nosed animal shook with vertigo and the two at the rear had to be kept from tackling each other with their antlers because they continued to comment on each other's language skills.

Concentration and a businesslike conduct returned when they felt the reins tighten: Robin was bringing all her weight to bear to get their attention, 'Nami? Guys? First roof coming up.'

They slowed down to a trot, moving in admirable synch. From above they could see the thatched roof and the simple wooden lantern dangling from the beam over the door. A family with four children and a dog stood in the front yard, looking up expectantly. As the sleigh approached, the younger children cheered, the older danced and the smiling parents put their arms around each other.

The reindeer above did not feel quite as confident.

'Let's sum it up,' said Zoro. 'We're going to land on that roof ridge – all six of us – and wait for Robin to get off the sleigh and balance with this bag over to the lantern. She takes an egg out of the bag, breaks it in the lantern, out comes the light that nobody really needs if it wasn't for symbolism and goat milk cheese. To the cheer of the watching town folks she scrambles back to the sleigh, and we set off to the next house?'

'That's the plan,' said Robin.

'May I point out to you that this damned roof ridge is only one handbreadth wide?' asked Zoro, irritably. 'And that bag is about the size of Luffy when he gomu gomu no balloons, and heavy like – '

'Weight is not a problem,' said Tuck. 'But stopping might prove difficult.'

'Okay, Robin. Holding pattern,' said Luffy. 'We've got to coordinate.'

To the surprise of the waiting village people, the Yaoul sleigh changed direction and started to move in wide circles above the roofs as the reindeer and driver engaged in a lively discussion about weight, momentum, speed, angles and the friction of reeds.

'Okay,' said Chopper eventually. 'So we agree to try like this: We'll approach at a 30-degree angle, then Robin brings the nose up at ten degrees. Nami and I touch down, and as soon as we do, Usopp and Luffy hit the breaks while Sanji and Zoro...'

'No savvy,' said Luffy, leaning abruptly to the left. 'Let's just land this thing.'

The impressive formation broke up as five reindeer struggled to keep themselves and the sleigh in balance. The animal harnessed second in the left row simply plunged forward and put its hooves on the roof first, stopping dead as it did so.

The sleigh and the other reindeer landed awkwardly and immediately began to slide off. The reindeer with the straw hat seemed surprised. It extended its front legs to an impossible length and, shouting, 'Gomu gomu no – sling shot!', catapulted them all back up to the crest.

They landed in a heap, more or less, just avoiding the sleigh to come to stand on them.

Robin got up a little shakily and, standing on the driver's seat, searched the roof: Between her seat and the lantern were six reindeer in the process of picking themselves up.

'Oops,' she mumbled. 'Wrong way round.'

But it couldn't be helped now. Grabbing her bag, Robin started to climb over the moaning reindeer, trying to get to the lantern, 'Sorry. Excuse me. Coming though...'

'Why don't you just use your powers?' groaned the green haired reindeer that was the first to be stepped on by the female Yaoul Messenger's boots.

'Can't see the lantern. It's dangling below the roof.' Robin tripped and grabbed for a pair of antlers that promised support.

'Ouch, Robin-chan, that was my eye!'

'Sorry.' She grabbed the bag with both hands and pulled. 'Who claimed weight was not a problem?!'

'Ooof. My backbone!' complained the long-nosed reindeer.

'Sorry!' The somewhat determined Yaoul Messenger continued to scramble over reindeer backs, striving, hauling, pulling her bag forward.

'Ouch! Robin! My ear!' protested Nami.

'Got to – reach the lantern!'

'Ough. Nose.'

'Wasn't me, Luffy.'

'No. 't was Nami, walking backwards.'

'Pass me the bag with your powers, Robin,' said Chopper, turning into his human form and slipping out of the harness. 'I can do it. I can light the Yaoul fire.'

'But that's not according to tradition,' said Tuck desperately.

'You,' said Robin, gladly handing Chopper the bag, 'have gotten yourself an untraditional crew.' She glared at Luffy. 'Just mind the way you're tossing us next time.'

'Sorry,' said Luffy happily. 'But look at it this way: The first of one-thousand and eighty-six lanterns has successfully been lit. Hip – hip – '

'Hooray,' moaned four shaken, broken and stepped-on reindeer and collapsed.

After the first desastrous touch down, things improved steadily. The bag was passed backwards and forwards, depending on necessity, and Robin and Chopper kept handing out light to the wooden lanterns.

Shortly before dawn, Tuck told Robin to steer the sleigh to the mountains where the gnomes lived in caves furnished like comfortable farm houses. They had guest rooms that Robin was cordially invited to use. For the reindeer, Buck, Huck and Ruck had meanwhile prepared the spacious barn that was used as a garage for the sleigh.

'That's it for today.' Robin took off the harnesses and refused the impulse to release each reindeer with a friendly pat on the back like she would've done with normal animals. 'I think we're making a good time. Two days to go, and we already lighted the Yaoul-lanterns of almost four-hundred households.'

'Yeah.' Luffy stretched. 'But I long for dinner and a bed.'

'Bed?' Buck looked concerned. 'There is straw...' He gestured at the yellowish stuff spread on the barn floor and stacked in the back of the room.

'Er...' said Luffy. 'What about…meat?'

'You're a reindeer,' said Chopper. 'Reindeer don't eat meat.'

'How about you,' said Luffy. 'I mean, reindeer don't eat cake either. I'm pretty sure they don't.'

Chopper tried to hide his cookie behind his back.

'I think that's okay,' said Usopp, sniffing the contents of the mangers. 'Doesn't smell too bad.'

'We did our best to provide for each taste,' said Buck. 'We've got willow and birch leaves, several sorts of grass, reindeer moss...'

Using his front teeth, Usopp pulled something brownish out of the rack and chewed it. 'Mmmh. Minty.'

'That's a mushroom,' said Buck. 'Reindeer love it.'

Usopp started to gasp.

'Hey,' said Sanji, checking out a small heap of leaves. 'Is that what I think it is?'

Buck cast it a short glance, 'Tobacco. We're sorry we don't have much. It's an import. But we thought you'd appreciate - '

'Oh, yoopyyoopyyoopyyoo-yyy,' said Sanji and burrowed headlong into the supply.

'Guess, we can write the stupid cook off. - What's that with these antlers?' growled Zoro, who had tried several ways of lying down in the straw. 'How'm I supposed to rest my head?'

'We reindeer sleep standing up,' said Chopper and quickly added, 'Don't worry. Three or four nights, and you're perfectly used to it.'

Zoro made a sound of exasperated wrath that no reindeer had ever produced before or would again.

'Buck?' Nami looked around, searching. 'I don't see a bathroom. Is there a shower anywhere?'

'Reindeer don't shower, Nami.' Robin held up a brush and a currycomb. 'But I can groom you if you want.'

Sanji's head went up, 'I can groom Nami-san,' he offered readily. 'Well, more like – ' A little forlornly, he looked at the tools in Robin's hands.

'I could nibble your croup?' he suggested hopefully.

'Sanji-kun? How about I comb you down with my antlers?' said Nami sweetly.

'You would? Oh, yoopyyoopyyoopyyoo-yy!'

Nami and Robin stared as the blond reindeer jumped in circles, shaking his antlers.

'I'll correct myself,' said Zoro from the other side of the barn. 'Writing him off isn't nearly enough. Better cross that idiot out.'

Straw Hat pirates were Straw Hat pirates, no matter their exterior, and it took some time to get the last of them to shut his mouth and go to sleep. But eventually, each had found himself dinner and an adequate corner and dropped off.

Nami who had successfully claimed and defended a stack of soft hay for a mattress woke with a start, thinking that someone or something had touched her back. But there was nobody near. Trying to calm her pounding heart, she looked around. The barn was still dark, but with her reindeer vision she could make out the shapes of her nakama: Despite what he had told Zoro about getting used to the reindeer way of resting, Chopper had opted for his reindeer-human form and was curled up on a large bundle of straw. Sanji slept standing up, leaning against the wall with his four legs crossed casually at the ankles. He moved his jaw in his sleep, presumably munching a leaf of tobacco like he'd suck a lollypop. Zoro stood as well, but without a wall to support him and with his head drooping almost to the floor. Luffy lay on his back, all four hooves sticking up in the air. He snored with his mouth open, and it occurred to Nami that there was actually not that much difference from his human form.

'Luffy? Luffy!' Nami nudged him with her nose then with her hoof. 'Wake up. Usopp's gone.'

'Huh? Where did he go?' Luffy sat up like a human, bending his body at the hips which looked quite stupid on a reindeer.

'I don't know.'

'Why not?' Luff yawned.

'Look, I just don't know.' Nami watched the others come awake, too: Zoro instantly fell over and regained consciousness kicking and swearing. Sanji pressed against the wall and looked about himself with large, confused eyes. Chopper tried to make out where his help was needed the most. 'Nami? What happened?'

'Usopp's gone. The barn door's open,' said Nami. 'I think I was wakened by a draft.'

'Maybe Usopp was stolen?' suggested Luffy.

Chopper looked out of the ajar door. 'I can see his tracks. He walked away. Alone.'

'Come on,' said Luffy, jumping to his four hooves. 'We've got to find him.'

Chopper walked through the door, followed by Nami and Zoro, who was still a little unsteady on his feet and muttering under his breath.

Luffy turned, 'Sanji? You coming, too?'

'I'd love to,' the blond reindeer called over in a plaintive voice. 'But I don't know how to push off this wall!'

Usopp's tracks were easy to follow, and since they had an experienced reindeer to take the lead, Luffy and his friends made good time.

'Won't be long now,' said Chopper, lifting his head. 'I can already smell him.'

'And I can hear strange sounds,' said Nami, as a distant call drifted over the snowy hills. They all stopped, listening, as a strange, instinctive fear dug its teeth into their hearts. Obviously, the Yaoul-gnomes' abilities had met their natural limits: The transmuted humans could not understand the message in the call. But they had picked up enough of reindeer body language to notice that Chopper was doing the equivalent of turning pale with fear: 'Lapins.'

'Oh,' said Sanji. 'Great. Everyone – we've got to save Nami.'

'How?' asked Luffy.

'I dunno. Form a circle around her or something.'

'That's musk oxen, Sanji-kun,' said Nami.

Zoro snickered, 'I always had the feeling there was something strange about your antlers.'

'Do you want to feel my antlers in your face, snag head?' yelled Sanji.

'Stop fighting.' Chopper looked worried. 'If they picked up Usopp's scent then he's in trouble.'

'And if they picked up our scent?' asked Luffy.

Chopper broke into a gallop. 'No time to waste! Come on!'

Running, stumbling and sliding after Chopper, the reindeer Straw Hats followed Usopp's tracks in the snow. The lapins had stopped calling, but the eerie feeling of being watched would not leave them.

'Usopp! There he is,' shouted Chopper, and they all could see the dark form of another reindeer walking ahead. They called him, but Usopp did not acknowledge. He kept plunging on at the same slow gait.

Luffy closed up with him first. 'Usopp! What in the four blues are you doing out here?'

'I'm walking,' said Usopp in a strange sing-song. 'To the north, to the north.'

'I can see that,' said Luffy, amazed. 'But there's monsters out there – '

'And Nami,' said Sanji.

' – and Nami and the rest of us, and I'd really like to know what made you leave the barn without saying a word.'

'Got a strange urge,' said Usopp. 'To walk to the north, to the north.'

'Should've seen that coming.' Chopper sighed.

'Seen what?' asked Luffy.

'The instinct to migrate. It's strong with us reindeer at this time of the year.'

'Instinct to mi- what?'

'Reindeer are nomads,' Chopper explained. 'Just like some birds do in winter time, we'll retreat to warmer climates where there's food and water. And when summer comes, we migrate northwards again.'

'To do what?' asked Luffy, suspicious.

'Well, the females give birth, and the males fight for their right to mate.' Realizing too late what would be his nakamas' reaction to this information, Chopper blushed so deeply that his blue nose turned almost purple. Sanji and Zoro virtually keeled over, laughing. Nami stared. Usopp gave a haughty nod to indicate that he had become one with the concept of reindeerism. Only Luffy kept his composure. 'Er, Usopp – '

'Don't try to stop me. I'm walking to the north. To the north.'

'No, you're not,' said Luffy, pointing at a dark-purple blob in the white snow ahead. 'You're walking straight into the claws of that huge lapin that's lurking in the snow in front of you.'

'To the no- oooh! Nooooo!' Usopp ducked, barely avoiding the lapin's swishing claw. Then he set off, and he was fast: Usopp was not exactly slow by human standards, but as a scared reindeer he had potential to break world records.

More lapins popped up from the snow: The Straw Hats were surrounded. Zoro and Sanji looked around and struggled to their feet.

Nami and Luffy stood back to back.

'Luffy. I'm scared,' Nami said.

'Don't be,' said Luffy. 'I just need to find out how to gomu gomu no most effectively in this form.'

'Sanji's already figured out how,' said Chopper, nodding at the blond reindeer that was leaping in narrow circles and dealing kicks with his hind legs. His fierce behavior fended the lapins off. But Zoro, who stood with one of his katana in his mouth, was getting cornered.

'Zoro,' Sanji screamed. 'Stubborn idiot! Do something!'

'Mmh naht gonngh hoo kick!' Zoro shook his head, thereby waving his sword in wild and dangerous patterns.

'What?!'

'I'm not going to kick like a stupid cook!' shouted Zoro and lost hold of his sword. 'What do these monsters want of me, anyway?'

'Lapins go for the weakest individual of the herd,' Chopper called.

'So?' replied Zoro, trying to pick up his katana.

'Since you're only standing there doing useless things, their choice is obvious,' shouted Nami.

'Well, excuse me!' yelled Zoro. 'I happen to be a swordsman! How in hell am I supposed to fight like this?'

'Beats me,' said Luffy, truly puzzled. 'Couldn't you have asked that question before?'

'I meant to,' raged Zoro. 'I already meant to when we were still aboard and human. But you wouldn't listen to me.'

'Hey. Marimo.'

Furious, Zoro whipped round, 'What is it, you Pain-in-the-ass-deer?!'

Sanji sent a lapin flying toward Zoro. Zoro reared and kicked the predator with both hind legs, sending it crashing into the woods. 'What was that about, idiot?'

Sanji gloated. 'Don't talk, marimo. Fight.'

Zoro growled. 'Keep them coming,' he ordered, 'I think I got the knack.'

'I think it's time these furballs left you alone,' said a voice. A big, shining orb lowering itself from the tree tops. The lapins stopped coming at them and stared. As the orb touched ground and exploded in a blinding flash of light, the carnivorous rabbits backed off, then fled. The reindeer blinked.

'Not a minute too soon.' Luffy stepped in front of the orb. 'Hi. Thanks for your help. Who are you? Huck, or Nuck, or maybe Ruck?'

'You,' said the orb, 'are no ordinary reindeer.'

'No. We're reindeer on a mission. I'm Luffy. In my other form, I'm human. So are the others. Except for this guy here. His name's Chopper, and he's the genuine thing. Reindeer by birth.'

'By birth or otherwise,' the orb said, 'none of you should be out here. Come on. I'll take you back to the barn.'

'No. I've got to - to the north. To the north! To fight, and mate, and raise the young - '

'Stop it already, Usopp,' said Luffy.

'But I didn't say anything,' said Usopp.

Nami sighed. 'Will somebody please catch hold of Sanji?'

Zoro lowered his antlers, performing a quick, sweeping movement, and in the next moment, Sanji lay on his back kicking his four hooves helplessly in the air.

'Done,' said Zoro, coolly stepping over him. 'I think I've finally found what these things are good for.'

They returned to the barn guided by the shining orb. Robin, Tuck, Ruck and Nuck stood outside, debating.

'There you are,' Robin said, seeing her nakama walking single file after the Yaoul-gnome. 'We were just about to go looking for you.'

'Thanks for taking them home, Duckie,' said Tuck.

A rustle of surprise ran though the Straw Hat reindeer.

'Er... Duckie?' said Luffy.

'Real name's Duck,' said the orb tartly. It shrank and revealed a withered form and face that was definitely female, featuring large dark eyes and long white hair. 'Just because I'm a girl it doesn't give you guys the right to make fun of me all the time.'

'Wrrrgh,' said Sanji, shaking.

'What is it, cook?' asked Zoro.

'Déjà vu. She looks like Doctor Kuleha's little sister.'

'No one's making fun of you, Duckie,' said Tuck.

'You just did it again!' Duck blamed him.

'Tuck?' said Robin reasonably. 'Why did your seventh gnome leave?'

Duck answered for herself, 'I left because I couldn't stand these twits any longer. They are childish, loud, embarrassing and their ideas of practical jokes make me want to cry out and kill somebody.'

'I know exactly how you feel,' mumbled Nami, but no-one heeded her.

'There's got to be more for a girl than living on a stupid island that's covered in snow all year, rigging snow bird eggs to light lanterns. I mean, stupid candles could do that job.'

'But the goat milk cheese and the cake...' said Buck.

'Aaaargh!' said Ducky, turning into a glowing orb again. 'Food. Is that all you ever think of?'

'Actually – '

'Duckie, my dove,' said Sanji suddenly. 'I think we can find a way to solve your problem.' He took a few steps forward and turned to the gnomes. 'First, she needs a new name. A proper name for a lady.'

'Well, Y and S are free,' said Tuck, scratching his head. 'And, of course, M and – '

'Don't even think about it, buster.' Sanji told him leniently.

'Swanhilda,' said Ruck suddenly.

Everyone stared at him, including the Straw Hat pirates.

'Swanhilda?' echoed Tuck, speaking slowly and with emphasis.

'Oh,' said Duckie. 'That sounds nice.'

At her approval, Ruck's form began to gleam in a red light. 'You like it?'

'Yes. I'd like that name. Very much.'

Ruck began to pulsate.

'Er...yes,' mumbled Sanji. 'Swanhilda. That's a beautiful name for a ...' He looked at the gnome. '...a big, glowing orb.' He cast his nakama warning glances, but they were too busy looking up trees or digging for reindeer moss.

'Sanji, the Braindeer,' someone muttered, but it didn't sound flattering.

'Now, Swanhilda, about the alternatives...' Sanji started to walk away from the crew. 'Let's go somewhere where we can talk reindeer to orb without being overheard by retards.'

Swanhilda floated after him, then accelerated and drifted beside him. It was just Sanji's luck: There was, for once, a female creature willing to hear and accept his advice. And he had no arm free to put around her.

Shortly afterwards, Sanji and the gnome returned. Swanhilda was sitting on his back and seemed to have cooled down considerably.

'Get in gear, guys,' she called, sliding to the ground and clapping her hands. 'Gotta lot to do. Today and tomorrow, I'll help you light the Yaoul lanterns. And then I'll be off.'

'Off?' asked Tuck. 'What do you mean "off"? Where will you go?'

'I'll follow the dream this pirate gave me,' said Swanhilda, looking up at Sanji. The cook had a very satisfied look on his reindeer face as his nakama gathered around him.

'You gave her a dream?' said Usopp. 'About searching for All Blue?'

Sanji looked puzzled, 'All Blue? Why would I?'

'See you on the Grand Line,' said Swanhilda, walking briskly toward the barn and the sleigh. 'When I'm Pirate Queen.'

'You gave her a dream of becoming Pirate Queen?' asked Luffy, baffled. The others, too, looked taken aback.

'Of course I did.' Sanji tried to scratch his head with his hoof. 'I told her that all she had to do was come back for duty three days a year. Then she could be a pirate and lead an exciting life for the rest of the time. Look, All Blue isn't everyone's idea of paradise – '

'But being Pirate King is?' exploded Zoro.

'Queen,' corrected Sanji. 'She's a lady.'

Zoro screamed, 'She – it - she's one big grumpy magical orb, for heaven's sake! And she'll be our rival to finding One Piece.'

'That's going to be coool,' said Luffy, looking after the orb.

'See,' said Sanji. 'I knew he'd like the prospect.'

'Hiy-yaaargh,' said Zoro. His attack nearly caught Sanji off-guard. Antlers clashed with a sound like bone on dry wood. They began to push. Having had a bad start, Sanji was soon forced to retreat a few steps. He moved his head, found new leverage and pushed forward. Zoro tripped and held his stand.

'They are pretty fast figuring out how to duel in their new form', observed Tuck.

'Make them stop,' pleaded Chopper. 'These fights can be deadly.'

'I think we can stop this game altogether,' said Robin. 'Swanhilda will be your driver tonight and tomorrow before she sets out for the grand line. You can manage from here.'

'I…guess we can,' said Tuck. 'I will restore your friends to their true forms.'

'By raising your hand?' asked Luffy, curiously.

'No. By beckoning Buck, Huck and Ruck to splash you with water. It will rinse the Yaoul-gnome dust off your fur.'

He said more, but Luffy couldn't hear him for the ear-deafening splashing and the sudden onslaught of icy water. He found himself sitting on the ground, clutching himself and gasping. 'My hat! Where's my hat?!'

'Here,' said Robin, handing the straw hat back to him. 'I took the liberty to snatch it off your head when I saw the buckets coming.'

'Thanks.' Luffy checked his beloved hat happily. 'That was not a second too soon.'

'On the contrary,' said Nami. 'It was definitely too early to transform some of us back.' She stepped back and revealed the sight of Zoro and Sanji writhing on the ground and, groaning, clutching their heads. 'Or, as Sanji-kun would put it: It was a shitty moment to remove the antlers.'

Good-byes did not take long, since the Yaoul-gnomes had a lot to work out among themselves, and by next nightfall the Straw Hats were already on the open sea.

Chopper crossed the deck and lighted a lantern that was attached to the mast. His every movement was watched by Zoro and Sanji who rested on deck chairs, heads wrapped in white bandages.

'It's still pleasantly warm out here,' Chopper said. 'I suggest that you stay a little longer. It will help with the migraine. And with the sickness, Zoro.'

Zoro growled, but very, very carefully. Sanji felt too concussed to comment.

Chopper left.

Sanji and Zoro sat, staring out at sea. Since they understood they were going to spent some time in Chopper's custody, they had silently agreed to ignore each other's presence.

There was a wonderfully bright moon high in the sky.

There were silver ripples on an otherwise mirror-like ocean.

Zoro and Sanji watched.

There was a distant cackle of electricity. Lightening flashed across the sky.

'You know,' said Sanji. 'Chopper wasn't correct about reindeer not eating meat. They do.'

'Really?' said Zoro without genuine interest.

A naked man, tall and muscular, fell out of the sky in a cone of light and landed on the deck.

Zoro and Sanji watched.

The naked man got up and looked about. There was something just a tiny bit too fluent about his movements to be all human.

'I've seen him do it, occasionally,' said Sanji. 'I should know. I'm a cook.'

The naked man approached them. His eyes glinted red and were not human at all.

'I,' said, his voice deep and with a distinctive accent, 'am looking for a human child who will lead the rebellion of mankind against – '

Sanji kicked him in the chest, while Zoro put his three swords into him. The man turned his gaze downward, looking surprised. Sanji's next kick drove him backwards against the rail.

'Hasta la vista,' Zoro said, pulling out his swords. The naked man plunged into the sea. There was a firework of electricity as Zoro peered down. 'There goes another freak with a mission he couldn't fulfill on his own. Oi, cook! Not a word to Luffy.'

'About what?' said Sanji lazily, leaning back in his deck chair.

'Well, well. Should've hit you on the head before,' Zoro cracked an evil smile. 'Now you're talking my language.'

+++ The End+++

A/N: Well, that was it. Done in a hurry, but I still enjoyed it. Hope, you liked it, too. Merry Christmas to everyone!