Author's note: I sadly own nothing, except the story idea. And even that was inspired by a certain scene in the movie, MASH. If you like Velanna or Garavel, I'm sorry. It's all in good fun.
"I bet they are," Anders said.
"No way," Sigrun responded.
Anders narrowed his eyes at the small warrior beside him. "Do you have inside information? You know you're obligated to share it, if you do."
It was afternoon and they were sitting outside the Keep, the sun high over them in a perfectly blue sky. The new recruits were inside doing whatever new recruits did, which was exactly why they were outside. Both teacher and student needed time away from one another.
As always, they'd started off their free afternoon by playing poker. Also as always, Sigrun had eventually won everyone's coin. Anders could swear she cheated, but he could never catch her at it. Nate had given up before the last hand and left to fletch more arrows or count flour bags, or whatever it was he spent most his free afternoons doing.
After that it was just him, Sigrun and Oghren. The Commander had ridden off that morning, the week's paperwork making her antsy and in need of a good kill. Justice had gone after Iseult to make sure whatever, or whomever, she killed was deserving of their fate. As often happened when it was the three of them, flasks were pulled out and drinking commenced. Eventually, spurred by the rather wet washer women hanging clothes not too far away from their makeshift poker table, the talk had turned to women.
"Call it an educated guess. There is just no way."
"I think I know women a bit better than you do," Anders replied. He'd been eyeing that particular woman for over two weeks now, and he was never wrong about things like this.
"Heh. Explains the dress and that mouthful of meowing meat he's always talking to," Oghren chortled, "He's trimming the old sails. Salting the culled calf. Capping the wax candle."
Sigrun ignored him. "And just how do you know women better than me? Last I checked I was one, and you weren't."
"Yes, but I know," Anders made a curving motion with his hands, "better than you. At least I've felt more of them," he smirked. "Unless you have something you want to tell me."
"Do you?" Oghren asked, immediately turning to Sigrun and stopping his list of nonsensical phrases. His eyes glazed over.
Sigrun socked him in the arm. "Stop picturing that. Now."
They all turned back to the woman in question.
"Stuffed, I tell you. If that bodice doesn't have linen pushing those things up, I'll drink a bottle of Oghren's special brew." Sigrun stated.
"Hmmmm. Interesting." Anders tapped his long fingers on the table. "A wager. But how would we determine which one of us was correct? I could volunteer my services…"
"How?" Oghren interrupted him. "I'll show you how, you pansy-waisted sparkle-fingered mage." Oghren was up and out of his seat before either of them could stop him. Not that Anders necessarily had been trying too hard. He clinked flasks with Sigrun and turned to watch the show.
They couldn't hear what Oghren said, but the reaction was immediate. With a horrified expression the woman slapped Oghren soundly across the face. He turned back to them with a smile, "Fiery! I like her!" The washer woman grabbed up the wet shirt she had been about to hang, and struck him about the head and shoulders, driving him away. They could hear the loud thwacks punctuated by a string of expletives so furious they would've made any fish wife proud.
As Oghren reeled away from her blows, another washer woman called out, "She does! Not with linen, with goose feathers!" The maddened red-faced woman turned on her betrayer, but the other woman just harrumphed. "Serves you right, chasing after my Rufus like that!"
"You lose, twinkletoes," Oghren stumbled towards them. "But what she lacks in…" he made a cupping motion, "she makes up for in spirit. By my ancestors, she reminds me of Felsi." He sat down hard and took a long swig from his flask.
"I wouldn't call it a loss," Anders smoothed down the front of his robes, "I know just the thing to soothe angry tears."
Sigrun held her hand out as he stood, wiggling her fingers. "You're such a dog. Pay up."
"I prefer to think of myself as a charming, irresistible rake. And, technically, we didn't wager anything. We just spoke of a wager."
"Welcher."
"Next time. I'll let you pick the target and the wager."
...
The next time happened three weeks later. Again they were sitting around a make-shift poker table, but this time Garavel sat with them. No one had been able to come up with a good enough excuse to refuse him, so they'd reluctantly made room. However, that did not obligate them to mention Sigrun's talent to bankrupt everyone at the table, and there were hidden smiles all around as she took his very last coin. Anders thought he even saw Nate cover a smile.
Now they were sitting around the table, wondering just when Garavel would leave. Didn't he have better things to do? Anders debated knocking him out with a sleep spell. They could leave bottles all around him and pretend to be shocked at his drunken stupor.
"Bitch," Sigrun murmured under her breath, at just that moment.
Anders looked curiously over to her, and then followed her line of sight. Velanna had just walked into the yard, pointedly ignoring their existence.
"Mmm, yes. But you have to admit, she is lovely."
"If you enjoy disdain and being stabbed in the back."
Anders couldn't quite argue with her there.
"She does have beautiful hair," Nate said, his eyes following her. They all turned to stare at him. "What?" he scowled, "I've never seen that shade of yellow before." He glowered until they all turned away.
"It is true, I've never seen such a wondrous color," Garavel unconsciously straightened his tunic. "Like a wheat field at noon. Or no, like moonbeams from a golden moon."
Anders and Sigrun shared a glance with Nate. A golden moon?
"Makes ya wonder, doesn't it? Does the moon match the ground? The ceiling match the floor?" He jostled Nate's arm, giving him a knowing nod, "The leaves match the grass?"
"Those are your euphemisms? Pathetic. How about—"
"This speech is uncalled for," interrupted Garavel, glaring around the table. "Velanna is a lady and worthy of your respect." Even Nate snickered at that one. "I see. I shall take my leave, then. Good day." Garavel gave a short angry bow, and marched away. He smiled at Velanna as their paths crossed.
"Stop making calfeyes at me, human. I dislike your ways." Velanna's voice was clear and scathingly loud, even across the bustling yard.
"That does pose an interesting question," Sigrun said.
"Trying to stack the deck?" Anders asked. "You've bathed with her. Pick someone else."
"Actually, I haven't, swear on the stone. She's always making this weird wall of trees around her whenever we have to bathe openly. I don't get it, myself."
"This is what you talk of after your games?" Nate stood up. "No wonder I always leave before the last hand."
"Come on, Nate. You must've thought about it. What's your opinion?" Anders' voice dared him to answer.
"No, I refuse to discuss a fellow Warden in this manner."
"C'mon Nate, if you're right, you'll win the wager of your choice against Anders." Sigrun cajoled.
Nate waved his hands at them and walked away.
"Someday," Sigrun smiled, "He's going to say yes, and he's going to smile."
"As you say, my lady dwarf," Anders made sweeping bow.
"Oh, stop that. So I pick Velanna, and I choose the wager."
"I abide by the sacred rules of the bet. With one stipulation."
...
"You're telling me that none of the tubs in the entire Keep will hold water? How is that even possible?"
Anders shrugged at Varel. "One of the new apprentices, I think. A wild spell. We're working on reversing it. Sigrun suggested setting up some tented bathing tubs until we get the situation resolved."
"Fine," Varel waved his hand. "Ask Garavel for the soldiers tents. Why do things like this always happen when the Commander is gone?" He asked. Anders knew he wasn't addressing him, so slipped out the door before more questions were asked.
...
"This is going to be a very nice afternoon," Anders said, as the doors to the Keep opened.
It was the women's afternoon to use the tents. They started down the steps in ones and twos, and by ones and twos, Sigrun and Anders waylaid them. The women were only too happy to play along, once they heard the plan. Standing in giggling lines to all tents but the center one, they waited. The center tent was off limits, being Velanna's personal choice of tent. No one was allowed to enter before her. Which tremendously worked in their favor today.
Reluctantly Velanna left the Keep, mouth pursed at the sight of tents and giggling women.
She'd been the one to put up the most fuss, almost ruining everything by saying she'd rather bathe in the lake. Oghren had surprisingly saved them on that one. Was she going to bring all her favorite concocted shampoos and soaps and conditioners down to pollute the very nature she processed to love? One taste of the good life, and she was ready to betray her ideals. He should've known, she'd already betrayed her people.
Unsure of what her many soaps and sundries would actually do to both the local flora and fauna, she had nastily agreed to use the tents. Anders never would've pegged the abrasive elf with sticks in her hair as a lover of fine things, but she obsessed over anything fancy and expensive, especially beauty products.
Now she clutched said beauty products to her chest and strode down to the unoccupied tent, looking straight ahead. The flap closed behind her, and if it could've slammed, it would have.
Everyone silently gathered in the yard, some dragging up chairs. Anders and Sigrun already had their front row seats, all the better to determine winner of the bet. Now they had to wait until just the right moment…
The moment came a little sooner than Anders expected.
"What are you all doing here…" Garavel asked, in a loud clear tone. Everyone rushed to shut him up, and Anders winced at the chorus of 'shhhhh' that followed. Quickly, before anything more could happen, Anders gave Oghren the 'go' sign. He probably shouldn't have given Oghren this job, but if Velanna concentrated on him, more the better for the rest of them.
Oghren and the three other warriors with him all tugged hard at their ropes. There was a loud, snapping noise, and then the entire tent fell to the ground with a great flurry of dust and coughing. Even the top had fallen as planned, attached to the side Oghren had pulled back. The three warriors ran back to the safety of numbers, but not Oghren. He was having too good a time.
Velanna stood, shrieking in the middle of the tub, shampoo and bubbles running down her face.
Someone close by snorted with derision, "A bubble bath. Should've known. Probably would like us to call her 'Your Highness'."
"Blonde and blonde," Sigrun grinned, her voice almost lost in shouts of laughter. "You lose, mage-boy."
"Velanna!" Garavel gave a shriek of his own, slipping in his haste to reach her. He skittered on his back like a bug before he righted himself. "Don't worry, I'm coming!" He tore his cloak off as he ran. "I'll save you!"
"Nice choice of stipulation," Sigrun commented.
"I thought so." They drew their flasks, clinking them together. "Watch this, it'll be the best part."
Velanna had spotted Oghren in front of her, roaring his head off with laughter. They saw her fingers twist in rage, calling up roots to snare him. Nothing happened. She extended her hands again, shaking.
"Anti-spell glyph," Anders whispered. "She can't do a thing."
Velanna seemed to realize that, and looked about to lower herself back down into the safety of the tub and the thick bubbles like powdery white snow. Just as she did, however, Garavel reached her. He tried to throw his cloak over her shoulders, only to land them both in the bathtub, dunking her head under the bubbles. She came up spluttering and pushing at him, her curses slipping into Dalish. Garaval tried to scramble away, but only made the situation worse, his foot slipping on spilled shampoo. With a great, 'Oooomph!' he fell directly on top of her.
The audience began clapping.
"Do it again!"
"Good show!"
Velanna threw off Garavel with a slur that made Anders cringe, even though he couldn't understand it. She ripped the cloak out of his fingers and strode away, her chin held high. Since she was looking up instead of straight ahead, she didn't see the person in front of her. She walked smack into the Commander.
For a moment there was absolute silence, except for the scrabbling of Garavel as he tried again to climb out of the tub. Then Velanna exploded, "Look what your humans have done to me! I will not stand for this!" She nearly screamed.
"Then I suggest you go somewhere and sit down," Iseult replied, "But first put a little clothing on please, you're riling up the natives." Cat calls and cheers came from behind them. "You may take this until you find something suitable." Iseult took her long riding duster off and draped it over Velanna's shoulders. Velanna's face twisted but she didn't respond, instead continuing on into the Keep.
Iseult surveyed the riotous crowd. "The Vigil's tubs have been restored. Since you all have nothing better to do, and it looks like you've already begun, you may clean and dismantle the tents and tubs, and then put them back where they belong." Iseult gave Anders a wink. "I suggest you get to work now. Garavel," her voice was like a whip, "please stop playing in the bubbles."
...
"So," Nate said, snagging the flask Anders was about to lift to his mouth, "looks like you lost."
Anders shrugged, "You win some, you lose some. And I can't say it's a very bad deal, being obligated to my lady dwarf." He made as if to kiss her hand, and she pulled away, slapping his wrist.
"So what was the wager?"
"Just that, an obligation to complete a future favor, at her desire."
"So you never know when it's coming, or what it will be?"
"No…" Anders looked from one to the other. Sigrun looked way too smug. "I think I should go put some reinforcing spells on our rooms before Velanna gets to them."
"Mmm, yes, you better."
Nate sat down in chair Anders had just vacated, smiling.
"Damn, I should've got him to bet on that too."
"On what?" Nate asked, the smile actually reaching his eyes. Sigrun was surprised to see laugh lines there.
"You smiling."
"Oh, that. You'll be smiling too, in a minute." He leaned in a little closer. "It's not natural."
"What?" Sigrun didn't understand what he was referring to. Him smiling?
Nate leaned in closer still, and whispered in her ear.
"Both? Wouldn't that… I don't know, sting or something? How did you even find out?"
"I am a rogue, it's what we do. Ferret out secrets."
"Hmmm. Well, don't tell Anders." How would one go about doing that? And why would you want to? Sometimes she really didn't understand these topsiders she lived with.
"I promise," he said, laugh lines deepening. "As far as Anders is concerned, Velanna is a natural blonde, head to toe."
Sigrun shook her head, as if in disbelief. He was smiling. Really smiling. And at her. It gave her a nervous little fluttery laughter inside, that she couldn't quite place. You learn new things every day, she thought, and passed her flask over to Nate. It was indeed, a very nice afternoon.