Hello, again! I don't really know which category this story belongs to so I'll just randomly place it where I see fit and if you have a better suggestion then feel free to tell me. Other than that I hope that you enjoy whatever my strange mind has put together and once again thank all the dear readers who have enjoyed whatever I have written. A little treat for you who all have patiently awaited the update in "Stranger" which I can say will be up something around next week. I apologize for the long wait and hope that you will accept my apology along with this fic.
Enjoy!
Lyrics
Thoughts
--
Disclaimer: Don't own anything except what I have comprehended on my own. But the song "Nobody wants to be lonely" by Christina Aguilera & Ricky Martin are not anything I have created.
--
"There you are, in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow"
It pains me. This shocks me, that I am capable of feeling such strong emotions towards such a different kind of person. How I have carefully danced around each outstretched hand. Avoided every offered heart and soul and yet fail to escape those lonely green orbs. I am drawn to you, not skilled enough to refuse my hearts first and most determined desire. As graceful as I am able to withstand countless of bounding it is also as cowardly I can evade your questions towards my true intentions. My wishes are obvious but my motives are as unclear to me as to you. For what reason do I care? On what grounds do I approach you? The otherwise perceptive me, finds it truly difficult to comprehend my reasons.
"Here I stand in the shadows
Come to me, come to me
Can't you see that
Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry"
To witness your proud independence is something to admire yet I only find my heart twinge whenever seeing you unaccompanied. The ache is unbearable which forces me to approach you. Offer you a hesitant hand of help. I find myself admiring my gentleness except when you pierce me with your skeptical gaze and my confidence fails me. I never show however inside I critically tremble. Fear quickly clouds her eyes shortly and later on, it shifts into suspicion. The realization hits me as a brick. The exact same eyes I used to give each time another one of my parent's acquaintances offering me their hand. For I knew that those hands never offered anything, their true purpose was to receive and it disgusted me. Is that how you see me as well? A hand meant to take and never give. How tragically I have ended. In the beginning I ran from it all and now I have merely ended on the other side. I laugh at the quirk of fate.
"My body's longing to hold you
So bad it hurts inside
Time is precious and it's slipping away
And I've been waiting for you all of my life
Nobody wants to be lonely
So why, why, why don't you let me love you"
The thousands of thoughts, theories and feelings that have plagued me have always centered on you. The way you insecurely brush back a strand of dark hair, the warmth you emit when you simply smile, the hint of red adorning your beautiful cheeks and the teasingly gnawing on your lip whenever being put in a difficult situation. It is rather disturbing. I feel a burning feeling inside myself whenever I see you, the unexplainable emotion that you are able to stir and foreign feelings that I have no experience about. It terrifies me. How it steadily builds up and threatens to unleash from deep within me. I cannot seem to stop it nor do I seem to hope for it to stop, because secretly it thrills me. This unexplored territory that finally presents itself and the cure against this storm of emotions that overwhelms me.
"Can you hear my voice, do you hear my song
It's a serenade, so your heart can find me
And suddenly you're flying down the stairs
Into my arms, baby"
Can you feel it? Can you grasp the strange urge that befalls upon me whenever I hear you call my name? It is as if you have put a spell upon me and I am gladly falling deeper. The consequences are thrown aside, my usual reliable logic is cast aside and the worn-out mask lay there forgotten. Everything I once have relied upon I throw away. All that is required is one word from you. A single indication from you can make me move heaven and hell, and if necessary I would travel to the end of the world for you. My reward that I wish for: is you.
"Before I start going crazy
Run to me
Run to me
Cause I'm dying..."
I mislead people, I deceived you and I have on daily basis forgotten that I even by no means remained true to myself. The excuses of how much you may need me have suddenly transformed into my own selfish desires of acquiring you. Like poison I have cautiously extracted from your glacial heart to instead ingest every drop inside myself just to experience something like you. My will to understand has led to my deliberate destruction, yet I have embraced it with an open mind. Until the brink of devastation, I can proudly tell myself that I, for once have stayed true to my intentions.
"I wanna feel you need me
Just like the air you're breathing
I need you here in my life"
Fear is an emotion which you by no account should underestimate. Its taunting presence makes you waver and in sheer fright you are forced to reveal your inner demons. Like bait it lures out your shameful beast that are otherwise deeply burrowed within yourself. On impulse you defend whenever caught and run when the realization hits you for what you have lost. My forbidden love was in the open for people to judge and it never bothered me. What I had not been mentally prepared for was to be judged by the one person whom I have hidden from. Overwhelmed with terror and inside my mind the imprinted image of disgust portrayed on your beautiful face, I felt ashamed. Humiliated over who I was supposed to be, supposed to act and in particular who I in reality was. Because in those hurtful eyes all of my intentions were painted black. No matter how skillful I am with words and no matter how adept I may be there is no chance in cleansing myself. I have fallen inside a black hole with no hope of returning back to the light.
"Don't walk away, don't walk away
Don't walk away, walk away
No, no, no, no..."
With no thoughts of being saved, who would even bother, when all I have ever spouted are lies and falsehood. I acknowledge my assigned place in the solitude of darkness. My darkest secret is brought into the light and the crushing realization has broken me. Still my heart constantly calls out the one name it has cherished the most. Will you save me as I once wished to save you? Is it foolish of me despite my current position to have one last wish? But then again what do I have to lose? I have been reduced into nothingness as I shall remain until my retribution delivered by you and only you. There is only one whom I wish to gain forgiveness from and until that very moment I will do what I am capable of accomplishing for you. Finally I have accepted the fact that I, Fujino Shizuru, am in love with you, Kuga Natsuki.
--
Thank you for sticking with it all to the end and I hope I haven't bored your mind out. Anyways I have been working on this fic from time to time. You can almost say that they were from the beginning a lot of bits and pieces which later on became what you see. There was no real purpose or deep meaning behind it all just the train of thoughts inside Shizuru's mind through the entire anime from first encounter with Natsuki to the final battle, all which of course are based on my observations. I would be very grateful to you all if you took a little time from your life and dropped me a review just to know your thoughts and opinions. Hopefully it's not too much trouble at all :P
Until next week with "Stranger" then I wish you a nice week!
/Icy Windbreeze