Running away from pain
She was packing. Slowly. She was packing her life away. Over the last couple of days everything she owned had slowly made its way in to boxes. She was leaving. Tomorrow. And she hadn't told anybody. She wasn't going to either. She knew they deserved more, but she couldn't risk it. She had written them a letter telling them that she would always love and miss them, and that she was sorry for leaving like this. Ted wasn't home, he had left to go… well somewhere. She was sure he had told her. The only things she knew for sure was that he wasn't coming back home before after she had left. The movers were coming tomorrow, they were taking all her boxes back home, back to Canada. She on the other hand was just leaving; she wasn't sure where she was going yet. She had packed a separate bag. Clothes and her most important things were there, ready to go wherever she was going. Among those things was a picture of their group, her best friends, her family. Leaving them would really hurt, but right now staying hurt more. She looked around the mostly empty room with a sad smile, this was it. One more night and then everything would change. She used to be so independent, her alone and she was okay with it. Leaving like this would never have been a problem before. Then again if everything was like before she would never have fallen this deep in love with someone, and then she wouldn't have to leave.
She had known going in to it that it was a stupid thing to do. It was him and he didn't do things like that. But she couldn't resist. She wanted him, she needed him and already then did she love him. And she had been right, it was a stupid thing to do. After some pretty prefect weeks everything went south. And in the end they agreed it would be best for them both to break things of. And it probably was, but it still hurt like crazy. For her. He on the other hand hadn't even waited one day before he started picking up random girls again. Proving to her more and more everyday just how little she had actually meant to him. That she was just another name on some list. She had never been that mushy romantic type, never really believing what strong love could do. The idea that you could feel someone's presents in a room long before you either saw or heard them had never been something she thought was possible before it happened to her. And in the end it proved to be helpful. She could make an excuse and leave the bar before the others notice him, making it less susceptive that she was leaving when he arrived. Making it look a little less like she was avoiding him, him and his stories. The butterflies on the other hand she, them she hated. She hated that sensation in her stomach. She hated that she couldn't even look at her best friend, former best friend, without feeling all this weird and overwhelming feelings. She had tried to ignore it, the love, the pain, everything. But no matter how hard she tried nothing worked. And with every new random girl she felt a little worse. She hated what loving him did to her. She hated loving him. But no matter how hard she tried she didn't hate him.
It was weird thinking about everything that had happened since she met this weird yet wonderful group of people. She had gotten a family she really loved, and that loved her for her. She had been in the longest relationship ever, and she had loved Ted just not as much as she loved him. She had shared so much of herself. She had grown up. Leaving them all seemed like the most insane thing ever. It was leaving a big part of herself, a part she would never get back.
One more night, she curled herself up in the couch looking out in empty space, just thinking. About Ted and his search for the one, she really hoped he would find her and that everything would turn out the way he dreamt. About Lily and Marshall, she was going to miss having that kind of perfect and optimistic relationship around her. They had been the only thing that sometimes made her believe that maybe it was possible And a very tiny part of her wanted that. That kind of love. That kind of life. That kind of prefect. About Barney…, just his name made her heart sting painfully. She was probably going to miss him the most, and not only because she loved him more that she had ever loved anybody. No there had always been something about him. Something that made her want to hang out with him even after all the stories, all the girls, all the lies, all the disgusting things he did and said. There still was something about Barney. He was fun, he could always come up with something new and interesting to try out. He was a really caring person. He would never admit it of curse, and if you didn't know him you wouldn't see it. But she knew it was there, she had both seen it and experienced it. One some levels he was like a little boy, and not only in the way that he was extremely immature at times. No it was his constant fear that they all were going to grow up and leave him behind, the lingering fear that everybody would abandon him. She sighed. Barney would always be Barney. The complicated yet simple man she just couldn't help but love. But he would never change, there would always be some new random girl. She closed her eyes, why did she have to go and fall in love with someone she knew was going to hurt her in the end? Why did she have to fall in love with her best friend?
It was a long night, she just couldn't fall asleep. She tried everything she could think of, but nothing worked. She ended up checking that everything was ready. That she hadn't forgotten anything. She went through the whole apartment, when morning came she was exhausted, but ready. She had made sure the movers would come early so that everything was on its way and long gone before her friends would even think of going to the bar. She also her passport easily accessible. Everything was ready
The last thing she did before she left the place she had come to feel the most home in ever was leaving the letter in the middle of the table. The movers had come and left, now all her stuff was on its way to one of her oldest closest friend who had promised she would take care of everything. She stopped in the doorway, taking everything in one last time. Then after looking the door she put her key in an envelope and the envelope in the mailbox. That way she was sure Ted would find it.
She took a cab to the airport, planning on buying a ticket to the first plain out of the state, it didn't matter if she ended up in a big city or a small isolated island. Nothing mattered as long as she got away, hopefully she would leave most of her pain behind.
I'm considering continuing this if anyone is interested. It will then probably become a Barney/Robin fic.