Hey everyone! I watched Shrek at the weekend, and inspiration just hit me!
Enjoy!
Just Friends...?
The scent of strong methane echoed through the trees. Bow-legged birds and dumpy squirrels heaved themselves across the bracken, making a crunching noise akin to a combine harvester. This was the song of nature.
In the centre of this beautiful vista was a small clearing bubbling with old mud and the sound of frogs dying on tree stumps. In this clearing stood a squat shack, and in the shack lived an utter Casanova.
Shrek McDonbar was a love machine. Ladies and men from all over the land would try to court the dreamboat daspygal, but the Scotsman always managed to slip through their fingers, whispering a soft 'Och aye' as he melted into the night. For the truth was, the ogre had commitment issues. Ever since he was a young wee bairn, he had wished for stability. But, being a contrary guy, he couldn't bring himself to give up the single life. Every time a hot maid glanced his way, he was certain they were not looking at his ogre exterior, but at the Celt within. Well, that just wouldn't do. He needed someone to love him inside and out.
Suddenly, there was a great hee-haw accompanied the sound of splintering branches and the stench of wet dog and morning breath. A grotty, obnoxious beast of burden crashed through Shrek's rotten door, braying and kicking as he went. The senseless ass was causing havoc, giving Shrek a headache and laying waste to his home. Shrek seized the half-witted home-wrecker in a stinky, hairy lime-green hand.
"Oi! Donkey!" the harassed highlander cried "What in the name of neeps and tatties are ye doin' in my swamp?"
Donkey flashed the ornery, overweight ogre a winning smile, his oversized gnashers gleaming like decrepit Washington Monuments in the warm light of Shrek's earwax candle.
"Sorry Shrek!" the naughty neddy rasped in a thick Brooklyn accent. "I just thought that this was a pit-toilet!"
Shrek smelt the dung before he saw it.
"You didnae!" he cried, eyeing up, with pure horror, the huge pile of Donkey's dung on his bed. "You rascal!"
Shrek grabbed a lacrosse racquet from the floor and brandished it at the uncivilised jackass.
"Sorry! Sorry mate!" Donkey bellowed, squatting manically in an effort to calm the ogre down. Shrek backed Donkey into a corner, his nose several metres into the stratosphere.
Donkey was suddenly extremely aroused by this violent display of passion, despite the fact that he knew his days were numbered and his best friend was going to club him to death. His Bermuda shorts ripped violently across his crotch, giving his soul-mate-turned-attacker a good view of his bewhiskered genitalia.
"Och aye the noo!" Shrek shrieked, dropping the lacrosse stick, which bounced into the fireplace and burst into flames. Donkey sat down in relief, yodelling mindless jams.
"Stop ye singing, ye wee idiot! Ye pooed on me bed!" Shrek wailed, his brobdignagian tubers flailing in all directions. "And for God's sake, put yer troosers on!"
Secretly, Shrek didn't want Donkey to put his trousers on, but he didn't want it to appear as if he was coming on to his best friend.
Secretly, Donkey didn't want to put his trousers back on. He wanted to lift up Shrek's fine traditional kilt and see his family jewels, running wild and free.
"Shrek..." Donkey murmured, gazing wistfully at his skirt of the North.
"Aye, what ye want? Tell you what, how's about you go clean up that fockin' dung, eh, laddie?"
"But Shrek...!"
"No buts!"
Donkey shuffled off into Shrek's bedroom with a scourer and a bucket of mud, sighing. How he wished the soft-headed tundra-dweller could understand...
Shrek stomped back over to his living room and forced his fat buns into his Easy Chair. "How about some Irn Bru over here, eh, pal?" the hefty hobgoblin broached, pulling a copy of good housekeeping from the floor.
When there was no reply, Shrek began to worry. He heaved himself up and plodded to the bedroom, his beefy charteuse paunch swinging and slapping against his knees.
The sight that met his mossy opticals took Shrek's (extremely noxious) breath away.
Donkey had artistically rearranged the mammoth conglomeration of guano into a freeze-frame of himself and Shrek engaging in romantic action. In fact, the beautiful still depicted Donkey sucking Shrek off. Shrek was thrilled.
"Donkey!" he rodomontade "I did'nae knoo ye felt this way!"
Donkey raised his eyebrows "What are friends for?"
Shrek looked into Donkey's eyes, his beautiful opticals melting with love. "I'm so pleased!" Shrek sobbed. "Now we can get it on without fear!"
Donkey hee-hawed with passion. Shrek grappled at the firm moobs of the buxom burro as Donkey sang with joy.
"Let's cut to the chase, eh?" Shrek chuntered, removing his adhesive fake-moustache and placing it on Donkey's booty. Shrek grinded against the moustache suggestively, and Donkey used his hooves to massage Shrek's 'chin'. The two love birds brayed and masturbated, and then Donkey whipped out his Bondage Gear from between his 'chins'.
"Hooray!" shouted Shrek, whipping the sassy mule ecstatically. A tremendous odour of fried pie blasted through Shrek's house, and the sound of boilers quaking echoed throughout the condo.
"Aye, aye, aye! HAGGIS!" Shrek broached bombastically as Donkey spanked him to within an inch of his life. The sight of his lifelong companion, dressed in a bondage bib and looking like a horny dominatrix made Shrek dribble and gurn passionately. Donkey found this an earth-shaking turn on, and proceeded to swing his nads to the beat of Shrek's heart.
They were just proceeding to the 'final act' when there was a sound of clacking joints from the door. The two foul whores turned, pegs agape, spit running from their 'chins', to see Pinocchio standing in the doorway.
"Aye, ye wooden queer! What ye think yer doin'?" Shrek inquit, hastily removing his hands from Donkey's perspiring breasts.
Pinocchio gaped, woodworm falling from his mouth.
Donkey sat up, gyrating strongly against Shrek's cheap knickers. "Turned on, are you?" he broached, winking squiffily.
"Erm…no!" Pinocchio squawked.
Before their very eyes, Pinocchio's nose rocketed to the length of a huge train. It zoomed across the room, shattering the wall and narrowly missing Shrek's 'chin'.
"OCH!" wailed Shrek, as his dung-crafted home crumbled into dust.
"Oh, sorry! Sorry, mate!"
As these words left the mouth of the virginal marionette, Shrek was reminded strongly of his partner, Donkey. The sexy burro that had, only minutes before, been pleasuring his entire soul. He suddenly felt a surge of attraction for the loser puppet, not least due to his impressive 'nasal boner'.
"Aye, laddie, why don't ye join us?" Shrek roared, snapping Pinnochio's extended nose in half to make it more manageable.
Pinocchio was so delighted he was sick. Ripping off his dirndl, the chunky wannabe dove onto Shrek's bed and joined the party.
The foul ogre, the cosmopolitan maud and the wishy-washy bumpkin puppet grinded late into the night. Their trio of pleasure lasted many years, until on passionate night, the flames of lust engulfed Pinocchio, and burnt him to a crisp.
"LMFAO!" said Donkey, and the two broken-hearted lovers laughed themselves to the grave. Their souls were taken up to the heavens where they remained as a trio of stars for all time.
The constellation is known today as the "'Chin' of love".
I'm surprised that no one's shipped these guys before!
I think they show that anyone, young or old, tall or short, beautiful or unique, shy or confident can achieve true love.
You just have to believe.
xxx Septimus