On This Couch

by Commander

What does it take to make a baby? A couch, a large portion of magic, a checkers board, and lots and lots of laughter... but no blowtorches. Seriously. Put that thing away. One-shot.

(AN: I know, I know, I used to write FOP fanfic years and years ago and it was terrible. I know that I really haven't seen much of the show since season three and I'm probably raping canon with a ten-foot pole. I know this story's way too long (I hadn't planned on it getting so long, honestly—this always happens no matter what I do).

And now that I've driven off all of my potential readers and am now talking to myself… ;)

I hope you'll give this one a chance, read it, and tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: The Fairly Oddparents still doesn't belong to me, even after all these years. Butch Hartman and Nickelodeon have yet to relinquish creative control to me. It's probably for the better.

I hope you'll enjoy! :))

…

Holy hell in a hand basket, it was happening.

They were going to have a baby.

They were going to have a baby, and what's more, they were going to have it with Jorgen's permission—albeit his reluctant permission.

"You know what you have to do," he muttered to Cosmo and Wanda after Timmy had made his wish.

"We do," said Wanda.

"We do?" asked Cosmo, confused.

Wanda sighed at him. "We do."

"Apparently, we do," said Cosmo to Jorgen, "…which means, Wanda does."

"I'm not going to say anything," muttered Jorgen, rubbing his temples.

And thank God for that, Wanda mused to herself as she flittered through their castle later that day, moving the pillows back onto the couch in the living room… although there was really no point, soon they were going to be thrown off again anyway. She wouldn't have enjoyed Jorgen knowing any details of their sex life.

"So, we have to make the baby, right?"

Cosmo, floating in the other corner of the room, had poofed up a toolkit full of hammers, nails, screwdrivers, and wrenches, along with a half dozen cans of glue and a blowtorch—

—a BLOWTORCH? Wanda nearly shrieked. A blowtorch in the hands of her husband could very well mean the destruction of the entire universe. "No, Cosmo, for crying out loud, that's not how you make a baby!" she yelled, quickly waving her wand and making all of Cosmo's tools disappear in an instant.

"Well, how should I know?" Cosmo demanded defensively. "I don't even know two plus three! But you know, right? You told Jorgen that you knew."

"You know too," said Wanda, sighing a little bit. Her patience with him seemed to wear thinner every day, which would unfortunately make the baby-making process a little difficult.

Still, though…

He looked at her quizzically, his head cocked a bit to the side, like a puppy, and she couldn't stop the small smile that began to tug at her lips. He drove her absolutely crazy. But he was still absolutely adorable. And she did indeed adore him.

"I do?"

"Of course. To have a baby, a man and a woman need to have sex."

Cosmo's eyes bulged in surprise… and then he grinned at her, as Wanda had been expecting. "Really?"

"That's the main reason sex even exists, sweetie," smiled Wanda, sitting down on the couch, resting one arm on the pillow. "To make babies."

Cosmo laughed. "And I thought making a baby was going to be boring! —Wait a minute, if sex makes babies, then why don't we have thousands and thousands of babies?"

"Because I've been on mandatory birth control. My ovaries are frozen."

"You're on what with the what?"

Wanda sighed. "We weren't allowed to have babies, remember? So I had to make it so my body couldn't get one. But now…" She felt herself grin again as she picked up her wand from the coffee table. How many times had she secretly wanted to do this, just a wave of her wand and send her ovaries working again, with the possibility of a baby to come through… but no, she would have been in so much trouble had she purposely allowed the possibility for fertilization to take place. But now—now they practically had to do it. Their godchild had wished for it, after all.

She waved her wand over her body, and while no outside change was noticeable, nor did she immediately feel anything different about her body on the inside, she knew exactly what she had done. No longer were her ovaries in suspended animation. Now, when they made love this time, the main purpose of sex was now actually a possibility.

Wanda smiled at Cosmo through lidded eyes, setting her wand back down on the table. "Now we can have a baby."

"Yay!" cried Cosmo happily, returning her smile.

For too long.

Wanda frowned. "We need to have sex first, remember?"

"Oh! Right!" Now it was Cosmo's turn to grin with lidded eyes and wave his wand. In an instant, he and Wanda were both naked. With reckless abandon, he tossed his wand behind him, not even flinching when it made a clatter against the framed pictures on the wall.

Wanda laughed in ecstasy as, one second later, he was on top of her on the couch with one hand in her hair, the other on her breasts, and his mouth sucking on her ear.

Yes, her husband might drive her absolutely bonkers, but he sure didn't beat around the bush when it came to sex.

…

Fifteen minutes later, they were both still on the couch—but the pillows were not, as Wanda had predicted. Breathing heavily through their subdued laughs—for they always laughed when making love, they enjoyed it so—they allowed themselves to bask in the afterglow for a moment, Cosmo ruining the moment only a little bit by still running his hands through Wanda's hair and murmuring, "Swirly… swirly…" at regular intervals.

He'd always had a weird fascination with her hair.

And while "swirly" might not have been a typical thing to say after making love, Wanda still smiled at it, sighing in contentment. Anyway, it made more sense than most of the rest of what Cosmo said, not only during sex but twenty-four seven. Sure, so maybe it was the ideal for a man to murmur loving words during sex, to whisper in his beloved's ear how much he adored her, that he'd never leave her, that she was his one and only… but Cosmo was not the ideal. And Wanda didn't mind that. She didn't mind that he so rarely said those things. He never could say the right things, anyway, so even if he tried they'd still make no sense. But it didn't matter. She knew how he felt, so he didn't have to say it.

Well… she thought she knew how he felt. For the most part.

But lately, there were doubts…

Well, of course there were doubts. Not saying loving words was one thing, but saying hurtful words and going completely ga-ga over every pretty face was another thing entirely.

And yet, as Cosmo's wandering eyes and tongue strayed further and further, they had sex more and more… and Wanda wouldn't have it any other way. For while he might say the most random, inane things during sex, he would also gasp out her name. Her name, no one else's, and he'd look at her with such longing that he'd seemed to have forgotten that he'd called her fat, plain, a nag mere minutes ago.

Making love with him was the only time she felt loved by him anymore.

Wanda didn't want to doubt him. And she didn't want to believe that maybe he only did love her during sex. Maybe even then he just loved the sex and not her. She didn't want to believe that, so she didn't, even though common sense was telling her that there was a good chance of that being true.

"Swirly… swirly…" Cosmo was still laughing, running his fingers through Wanda's hair so much that it was becoming tangled on them. Wanda wasn't looking at him, though, instead averting her gaze to the floor. Cosmo followed her line of sight, wondering what she was looking at… and saw the pillows. "You know, you really oughta pick those up."

Wanda sighed.

"I liked it better when you were saying 'swirly'."

"Okay. You know, you swirly oughta pick those swirlies up… swirly swirly pillows, swirly swirly."

"Here's a shocker—you can pick them up yourself."

"You kicked them off—wait—swirly you kicked them off swirly swirly."

"No, I kicked one off. You knocked off the other one with your arm."

"Well, ex-cuuuuuuse me! It was in the way of your hair! Swirly, swirly pink hair…"

Wanda smiled again before she could help herself. She never could stay upset at Cosmo for very long… damn him. "You can stop saying 'swirly' now, sweetie." She was able to look at him again.

"But I like saying it. Swirly, swirly, swirly swirly swirly…" Cosmo tried to run his hands through Wanda's hair again, but his fingers were so entwined that he couldn't move them. Wanda winced a little bit as he involuntarily tugged at her hair. "Uh, could you tell your hair to let go of my hands?"

Wanda reached over to the coffee table, grabbed her wand, and with a swish and a poof her hair was neat and untangled again, and Cosmo's fingers were free.

"That works too," Cosmo conceded. His eyes widened. "Speaking of working, did it work?"

"Huh?" asked Wanda.

"Making a baby! Do we have a baby yet?"

"Oh!" Wanda nearly barked out a laugh at herself. She had almost forgotten the main reason why they had had sex in the first place. "Well, not yet, but we'll know if it worked pretty soon. You can't get a baby right away, you know. It takes time."

"How much time?" said Cosmo, a small whine working its way into his voice.

"Three months. If it worked, pretty soon I'll know I'm pregnant with the baby, and I'll be pregnant for…" Wanda bit her lip. How long would she be pregnant with it? Since pregnancy and babies were outlawed, no one ever had any need to speak of it. Curious younger fairies had asked their parents, but Wanda's Big Daddy had never wanted to speak of it… and with good reason, Wanda realized, knowing what the implications of her mother's pregnancy had meant, why her mother's pregnancy meant that Wanda had never known her mother. "I'll be pregnant for a little while, and then the baby will take half of my magic, come out of my body, and then you'll get it and carry it for the rest of the pregnancy. You'll carry it for far longer than I will."

"Carry it? But I need my arms, you know!"

"Not like that. Carry it in your belly." She pointed to his abdomen, or more specifically the pouch there that all male fairies had. "It'll go into your pouch, and you'll be pregnant with the baby until it's fully grown and ready to be born."

"Oh." Cosmo looked at his pouch and grinned sheepishly. "I've always wondered what that's for… So that's what'll happen if it works, right?"

"Right."

"What if it doesn't work?"

Wanda smiled. "Then we'll just have to try again."

"Oh." Cosmo also grinned. "Then I hope it didn't work."

Wanda sighed. "I bet you do." She carefully pushed Cosmo off of her. "But even if it doesn't work, we should find out more about pregnancy anyway. I'm going to go to the Fairy World library and check out their pregnancy books."

"I get jealous when you check things out," Cosmo muttered.

That comment probably also deserved an exasperated sigh from Wanda, but instead she found herself smiling again. With a wave of her wand, she was fully dressed again, her hair back in its bun. "I'll be back soon, honey."

She poofed to Fairy World before Cosmo could say anything else nonsensical and make her smile again.

…

"What is that book you're checking out?"

The female fairy's question had come out very harshly, and normally Wanda would have responded in kind, but not today. Instead, she merely smiled at her, holding the book close to her chest to obscure its title… but the fairy had already seen it.

"Don't hide that from me. I saw what it was. Why on Fairy World would you need to read that book?"

Wanda smiled smugly at her. "Maybe I'm just researching it. In a general manner, just to know, for no real reason that actually applies to me… or my husband. Maybe."

"Yeah, well, your tone is telling me—"

"Mom! I found that book you wanted!" Another female fairy, obviously the first one's daughter, came floating up with a large volume in her hands. "'How to Butt into Matters That Don't Concern You and Generally Be a Condescending Jerk About It', right?"

"Oh, trust me, you don't need that book, you've already got that down pat," Wanda remarked.

"This does concern me," the mother snapped testily. "Anything that jeopardizes the safety and rules of our kind, rules that were laid down for a reason—"

"It might interest you to know," Wanda interrupted, getting rather testy herself, "that I'm not actually—"

She was going to finish that statement with "breaking any rules", but a sudden shock wave ripped through her entire body at that moment, the epicenter exactly in her lower abdomen. It didn't hurt her so much as shock her, causing her to jerk back and cry out, "EEEAAAAHHHHHWWWWhoa!" She grabbed her arms, still tingling a bit, but what was tingling the most was something inside of her, where the shockwaves had come from.

The mother stared in horror. "Oh my God. Oh my God. …I'm telling Jorgen."

Wanda clutched the book closer to her chest and looked up at the ceiling, still tingling, still glowing, now smiling in total bliss. She had never been pregnant before, obviously, but that sensation, plus the woman's reaction, could only mean one thing. Fertilization had just happened. And there was an embryo inside of her. "Please do tell him. I'm sure he'll be glad to know… well, probably not glad, but he'll want to know. He's probably wondering if my husband and I were successful yet."

The mother, shockingly, couldn't say anything. She just stared at Wanda with a gaping mouth.

The daughter managed to say something, however. "No way! Don't tell me you're actually preg—"

Dozens of fairies instantly crowded around Wanda before the daughter even got the word completely out.

Wanda was now blushing a bit, but still kept her smile. She turned to the head librarian, who, like all the other fairies in the room, was staring at her in disbelief. "I'd like to check this book out, please."

…

When Wanda poofed back to their fishbowl, she found Cosmo, fully clothed again, sitting at their checkers board, rubbing his temple in frustration. He had very few of his red checkers left on the board. His opponent, however, a table lamp, was doing pretty well.

"Wanda!" Cosmo complained as soon as he heard her poof in. "The lamp's beating me again! The lamp always wins!"

Wanda didn't even register what Cosmo had said. She was still holding the book on pregnancy to her chest and grinning in pure happiness. "Cosmo… we're going to have a baby."

Cosmo dropped the checker he was holding right on top of one of the lamp's many king pieces. "We are? It worked?"

"It worked!"

The joy of a husband and wife finding that they are expecting, especially after having waited so long for a baby, had been so long forgotten by their species that it was a wonder that they even remembered how to react…

…but some things, like happiness, are never forgotten.

They hugged. They kissed. They laughed. They cried. And they did it all over again, and again, and again, their actions overlapping into each other so that they became one muddled expression of joy, all the while Cosmo blurting out phrases that, for once, actually made sense: "It worked! It worked! It really worked! We're gonna have a baby!"

"It did," laughed Wanda, clutching Cosmo tightly, the pregnancy book having had fallen to the floor between them, "it did, finally, finally we're going to be parents, after all this time, finally…"

"So where is it?" cried Cosmo, pulling away from Wanda and grinning in anticipation. "Where's our baby? I wanna see our baby!"

"So do I, but it won't be fully grown for another three months. Right now, it's in here." Wanda pointed at her belly.

"I sure don't see it in there," said Cosmo in confusion.

"Well, of course you don't. Right now it's microscopic. But it's in there, and it will be for the next… um…" Wanda bit her lip and scooped up the pregnancy book, flipping it open to chapter one. (Chapter one was the only one dealing with the woman's portion of the pregnancy, since it was so much shorter than the male's. Chapters two through eight were for the male to read.) Overjoyed though she still might have been (and that was an understatement), the next few… however long she would be pregnant, would be very tough for her. And that was accounting for only one baby… if there were twins…

No, no, don't think about that right now. "Three hours. I'll be pregnant for about three hours, the book says. And it's already been about thirty minutes, so by now it's probably more like two and a half hours."

"Oh, goody!" Cosmo smiled innocently. "So we get to see our baby in two and a half hours?"

"No, three months, because after I…" Wanda's voice trailed off as she began to intently scan the pages of the book.

"After you what? Trail off into nothingness? Because that's what you just did."

"Shh. Be quiet. I'm reading." Wanda didn't look up.

Cosmo crossed his arms in annoyance. "You know, you're focusing way too much on that book when you should be focusing on more important things, like our baby!"

Wanda glared at Cosmo from the top of the book. "This book is about our baby, you twit!"

Cosmo still looked cross. "Ooohhhhh, so you like that book more than our baby, is that it?"

Wanda sighed. "Finish your checkers game. I'll tell you when I'm done reading. We're going to need to talk."

Cosmo flinched. The words "we need to talk" never make any spouse feel reassured, and Cosmo was no exception.

"Don't worry. It won't be a bad talk. Now go finish your game." As discreetly as possible, Wanda flicked her wand, shifting the red vs. black balance of checkers on the board significantly enough so that the board was now more red than black. "I think you might be able to beat that lamp this time."

"Ha! Finally! You're going down, lamp!" Cosmo zipped back to the board.

Wanda continued to read the chapter, more thoroughly this time, although after the part about the female side of the pregnancy lasting three hours, the book was frustratingly vague, telling her nothing that she didn't already know. After about two hours, the embryo would start to absorb half of its mother's energy. Once it was sufficiently half-formed magic-wise, it would come out of the uterus, still almost microscopic, only visible as a small, glowing ball of energy, and would then find its way to the father's pouch (with guidance if need be), where it would spend the rest of the pregnancy. While there, it would take the other half of its magic from the father, but over the course of three months, not within an hour like it would from the mother. While it would be uncomfortable for the father, it wouldn't cause him the pain that it would the mother. He could easily replenish the small amounts of magic the baby took each day. Not so for the mother.

Wanda closed her eyes, trying to blot out the words she had just read, but they still flittered across her darkened eyes. "Intense pain… draining your life energy… possible loss of consciousness… incredibly weakened for a few days after expulsion of the embryo while your magic is replenished…"

And that was with just one baby. And normally fairies only had one baby at a time. Twins were thankfully very, very rare.

Because a twin pregnancy always meant death for the mother. With each baby taking half her energy, they always literally killed their mother.

Wanda's father was very fond of her, she knew… sometimes maybe too fond. But she had also always felt a little resentment from him, directed at both her and her twin sister. They hadn't meant to kill their mother, obviously. But there was no denying that it was their fault she had died.

The father could carry the twins without any major complications if he caught them in time. But there were many instances in the past of the father being so devastated at the mother's death that he simply couldn't, or didn't care to, or whatever. And the embryo could only survive the journey between parents if it was brought into the father's pouch in… Wanda flipped a few pages. Less than a minute. Very few twins were conceived… and even fewer were actually brought full-term.

Wanda looked down at her belly and gulped. Yes, twins were very rare. But they tended to run in families. And she was a twin. And if she was carrying twins right now… that meant she would die.

The chances of that were small… but not remote.

She picked up the book again, but that was the end of the chapter. Sighing, she flipped through the rest of the chapters, chronicling the father's side of the pregnancy, the mood swings, the odd cravings, the nausea, etc. Not that any of that sounded like a walk through the park, Wanda had to admit, but still, it seemed to her the male got the easy end of the stick here. Even the actual process of giving birth to a fully-formed baby seamed like nothing compared to what the mother had to go through.

Sighing, she set the book down and picked up her wand. Nothing left to do now but wait for the baby to come out, she reasoned. And talk to Cosmo. Cosmo was not very good at having serious talks, but their lives were going to go through a complete upheaval—hopefully a very positive upheaval, but still an upheaval. She poofed off her clothes—she wasn't sure if she would remember or even be able to do so while the baby was sucking up half her magic to allow it to come out, so she figured she might as well do it now—and hovered over to the couch. Dread was settling in her gut, cuddling up right next to where she knew the baby was, two things that didn't seem like they belonged in there at the same time.

Still at the checkers board, Cosmo sighed too. "I lost again. Stupid lamp." Pausing, he considered this, then corrected, "Smart lamp, stupid me."

"I'm finished reading," said Wanda. "Could you come over here so we can talk?"

Cosmo turned around and saw Wanda, naked, lying on the couch, and his eyebrows raised in surprise. "Oh, that's what you meant by talk? No problem, then!" He grinned, poofed his clothes off as well, and—

"Wait, Cosmo, we're not going to have sex."

"We're not?" Cosmo looked crestfallen. "Then why are you…"

"I want to be ready for when the baby comes out of me in about two hours or so. If I'm wearing clothes, it won't be able to come out." She smiled at him. "You'll need to be naked too, to catch it in your pouch, so it's a good thing you did take your clothes off. You can leave them off."

"But no sex?"

"No sex. Just talking."

"Oh. Okay." Cosmo gave a small sigh, but didn't look completely crushed. He hovered over to the couch as well and sat on Wanda's torso, his feet reaching her armpits. "I think I'll like talking naked, though," he said with a smile.

"So will I."

Cosmo continued to smile at her, taking her breasts in his hands and playing with them, although still keeping full eye contact with her. "Ooh, Wanda, you're so squishy," he laughed.

Wanda sighed again, although this time it was in contentment, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation for a few moments.

"Sooooooo…" Cosmo stopped kneading her breasts, but still kept his hands on them. "What did you want to talk about?"

Wanda opened her eyes suddenly, surprised that both, again, she had forgotten what they were originally doing, and that Cosmo actually brought the subject up again even though he clearly wasn't looking forward to it.

She opened her mouth to speak, but her breath got caught in her throat.

He was still directing his full attention at her, a small smile creeping up on his face, his eyes loving, taking her in as if she was the only person in the world, or at least the only person in the world who mattered. A look he so rarely gave her anymore.

And so, when she finally got her voice working again, what she asked him wasn't what she had meant to talk to him about in the first place.

"Do you only love me when I'm on this couch?"

"Huh?" Cosmo cocked his head in confusion again, a common expression for him.

Wanda instantly regretted saying it. "Never mind," she said hastily. "Forget it." She didn't want to know the answer, she realized. She'd pretend the answer was what she actually wanted to hear, otherwise she might spend her entire life just sitting on this couch.

But Cosmo had heard and remembered her question, even if he hadn't quite understood it. "Do I only love you when you're on this couch? What a silly question!"

"Well then, give me a silly answer." Too late now. She had already dug her hole. "Wait, I mean, don't give me a silly answer, give me a serious answer. I want to know."

"I'm the one who's supposed to ask the stupid questions, not you!"

"Cosmo! It is not a stupid question!"

"It is too! Come on! You're my wife!"

"That doesn't mean a thing." Wanda was surprised at what she was saying, and was surprised to hear her voice trembling a bit. "We were married a long time ago," she continued, managing to keep her voice forceful and unbreaking. "Things change. People change."

"You haven't," Cosmo murmured.

Wanda stopped.

"Have I?" Cosmo asked.

Wanda took a deep breath.

"You say mean things to me. You never really said over-the-top nice things to me, but until just recently you never insulted me, either… well, rarely. But nowadays, the only time you're not saying mean things to me is when we're here… so that's why I asked. Do you only love me when I'm on this couch?"

Because if you do, I'll stay on this couch forever. Wanda hated herself for what her heart was thinking. What she couldn't help but think as she looked at Cosmo, her wonderful, silly, goofball of a husband who marched to the beat of a completely different drummer that few other people could even hear; who was so full of life that every day with him seemed like a lifetime of endless opportunities; who was handsome, maybe not in a conventional sense like someone like Juandissimo, and yet in a way that Juandissimo couldn't even hope to be; whose laughter filled her up like elixir… who, even if he answered, "Well, I loved you once, but I don't anymore, sorry", Wanda could never stop loving, even if she tried. And if he only loved her on this couch, then she would stay on this couch. She would stay and have his love, the one thing in the world she wanted most… even more than a baby.

Cosmo hesitated. Not a good sign, Wanda thought in despair.

"You're easier to love when you're on this couch," he finally said.

Wanda blinked. His answer had neither been complete denial nor complete agreement. It had been… honest? Was it honest? What did it mean?

"The rest of the time, it's harder to love you," Cosmo continued. A strand of green hair fell in his eyes and he puffed away before continuing. "I still do love you, but it's… hard for me to show. Lots of things are hard for me." He sighed. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew I love you. You know everything! And that's probably the one thing I know the best. It's just really hard for me to show sometimes. I don't always know how. I'll try harder. It's tough, but for you I'll try. Tell me what to do. You always know what to do."

Wanda closed her eyes, afraid to look at him, and afraid that she might start crying if she did. His answer was completely unexpected… and yet completely Cosmo, and completely perfect.

"For starters," she said, "stop insulting me at every turn. It hurts my feelings. Stop calling me a nag."

"But you are a nag!" laughed Cosmo.

"Cosmo!"

"You are! And I love you anyway! I love you because you're a nag! If you weren't I would probably be dead five times by now! More than that! I can't count past five, but whatever comes after five, and after that, and after that, and—"

"O—okay, then," Wanda said, her voice shaking again, still utterly shocked at what she was hearing. "But you don't have to call me that. It hurts my feelings."

"I didn't know it hurt your feelings," said Cosmo softly. "I'll stop. …You know, when you call me stupid, and a moron, and a nitwit, and all those things—"

"It hurts your feelings?" Wanda whispered, now unable to stop the tears from forming.

Cosmo nodded. "Uh-huh. Even though I know it's all true."

"Then I'll stop. I don't want to hurt your feelings either. I love you and I want to make you happy."

Cosmo smiled, sniffling back a few tears of his own. "You can still call me stupid if I really, really deserve it."

Wanda laughed. "I will. And you can still call me a nag if I really, really deserve it. But please stop calling me fat. That hurts my feelings, and it's not true."

"Not true?" Cosmo barked out a laugh at that.

Wanda's eyes narrowed fiercely. "Cosmo, we are exactly the same size and shape."

"Not exactly." Cosmo squeezed her breasts again. "You have these. And these make you fatter than me. And I love that you're fatter than me."

Wanda couldn't stop herself from laughing. "That's not called fat, sweetheart, it's called buxom."

"Buxom?" Cosmo tried out the new word and made a confused, annoyed face. "Fat's easier to say."

"You're going to be the one who's fat, once you're pregnant with our baby."

"Wait. You're saying I have to get fat, and I have to carry it for three months?" Cosmo harrumphed and blew a strand of hair from his eyes again—it was adorable, Wanda had to admit. "I never agreed to this!"

"To have a baby, you have to go through a lot of suffering. And trust me, you're getting let off easy compared to what I'll be going through in just a couple of hours," Wanda muttered.

"W-what is that?" A worried look flashed across Cosmo's face for a fraction of an instant before he abruptly covered it with a laugh and a large, false-looking smile.

"That's what we needed to talk about," Wanda admitted. "I read the first chapter of the pregnancy book. Chapters two through eight are about you, so you'll need to read them once you get the baby in your pouch. But I need to talk to you about what'll happen to me in the next hour or so."

"What's gonna happen to you?" Cosmo twitched and looked away from Wanda, up at the ceiling, humming as if impatient and tapping his foot against her shoulder.

"In about an hour, the baby's going to start taking half of my magic. Once you get it it'll take half of your magic too, but it'll do it over a longer period of time and it won't hurt you as much. But it's going to hurt me a lot, since it's going to take it so fast. The book says I'll be in a lot of pain. I'll probably say things to you I don't mean. When that happens, I want you to get away from me. Cosmo, are you listening?"

Cosmo quickly snapped his attention back to Wanda. "Yeah, yeah, you'll be in a lot of pain, blah blah blah. Got it." He returned his concentration back to the ceiling.

Wanda frowned. This was not reassuring.

"You're going to need to watch me when the baby comes out. It'll be a floating, glowing ball, about the size of a grape. Once it's out of me, you need to help guide it into your pouch. If it's outside of either of us for too long, it'll die. I'll help guide it to you if I can, but if it's twins…" Wanda gulped. Oh great, here it comes. "If it's twins, I won't be able to help you, so you'll have to promise me that you get them to your pouch safely."

Cosmo was still looking up at the ceiling, biting his lip.

"Promise me!" Wanda demanded.

"Alright, alright, I promise!" Cosmo snorted, still not looking at her. "Why does it matter if they're twins, anyway?"

"Because if they're twins, I won't be able to help you. If they're twins…" Wanda's voice broke again, more so than it had before, and Cosmo finally looked at her in worry. "If they're twins, I'll die. Each one will take half of my magic, and that leaves none for me. If they're twins, you have to be the one to get them inside of you safely, and don't you dare leave them out there and make me die for nothing, alright?"

"Die? Die?" Cosmo's eyes shot back up to the ceiling, then back at her, than instantly up to the ceiling again. "But you—you can't die—I mean—" Cosmo snorted out a laugh and continued to stare at the ceiling, but his grip on Wanda's breasts grew tighter. "You can do what you want, I guess, and it would be a lot more peaceful around here without you, but who would pick up the pillows?"

Wanda felt her blood boil.

"Dammit Cosmo, do you even understand what I just said?"

"Of course I do—"

"Are the pillows more important to you than me?"

"Well—I mean—they're squishier than… than you…" But Cosmo's voice was breaking, his eyes were shaking, and his limbs were trembling. "Dammit!" he finally shouted out.

Wanda blinked in surprise, most of her anger vanishing in an instant. She had never heard him swear before.

"Wanda, honey, I don't mean that, it's just that I'm scared and when I get scared I joke to try to make myself feel better and nothing scares me more than losing you and and and…" He finally completely broke down, huge, sloppy tears rolling down his cheeks. "But it's not working this time! Please, please, please don't die!"

Now all of Wanda's anger was gone. "Oh, sweetie," she whispered, wrapping her arms around his torso and pulling him down on top of her, caressing his delicate wings comfortingly as he sobbed into her shoulder.

"Don't die, Wanda, please, don't leave me," he whimpered. "Promise me." He continued to sob, and Wanda continued to stroke his wings, not saying anything. Cosmo pulled away from her. "Promise me!" he demanded, his eyes pleading.

Wanda's voice hitched in her throat before she answered, in a faltering voice. "Cosmo… I can't promise you that. If there's twins in there, then I will die. There's nothing I can do about it. That's just the way things are."

Cosmo sniffled loudly again, more tears streaming down his face. "But—but I need you, honey…"

Wanda reached up and wiped the tears from Cosmo's face with both hands. "I can tell you this, though. Twins are very, very rare. The likelihood of there being twins in me right now is very, very small. It's probably just one, and I'll live. I'll be in a lot of pain when it's all said and done, but I'll live. But Cosmo… if it is twins, please promise me you'll get them to your pouch and take care of them for the rest of the pregnancy, okay? No matter what happens to me, you have to take care of our baby… our babies, if that's the case. If you don't get them in your pouch, they'll die too. And you don't want me to die for nothing."

Cosmo drew in a shaky breath, the tears not showing any sign of stopping. "But—"

"The chances of you having to do that are very, very small, but please, Cosmo, promise me that on the slim chance it does happen, you'll do that. Please promise me that."

"A-alright," Cosmo choked out. "I promise."

"Thank you," murmured Wanda, pulling him down on top of her again.

"I don't want twins," Cosmo muttered, his hands instantly finding their way back to her hair. "I don't, I don't, I don't."

"And you think I do?" Wanda asked softly, beginning to stroke Cosmo's wings again. "The thought of me dying doesn't make me feel too happy either, you know."

"If you died, you wouldn't have any problems," sighed Cosmo, sniffling back more tears. "But my problems would just begin."

"I'm not going to die if I can help it, dearest. I won't leave you." Her arms around Cosmo's torso clenched him tighter, hoping and praying that she could keep her promise. Because Cosmo did need her. And she couldn't bear the thought of putting him through losing her. All her previous doubts were completely pushed aside—he did love her, just like he always had, and not only when she was on this couch, either. And the thought of losing her terrified him.

"If you left me I'd be so lost I wouldn't be able to figure out how to walk out doors. Fly out doors. Float out of doors. Poof from room to room. You know what I mean. If you left me, no one would know what I mean."

"I'm not going to leave you." Please, please, don't be twins. "Please stop worrying, sweetheart. Give me a smile." She gave him a small one as a coax, but Cosmo wasn't looking her in the eyes, his face still burrowed into her shoulder.

"No," he whimpered. "I can't."

"Yes you can." Wanda slid her hands down Cosmo's wings, stopping when they reached where they met his back.

Cosmo twitched, exhaling sharply. "Oh no, please…"

"Oh yes!" And Wanda dug in again, tickling him with such precision and ferocity that Cosmo had no chance to defend himself.

His laughter rang out through the castle, that is, of course, when he had sufficient voice to actually make noise at all, Wanda's tickling was that fierce. "Aahh-haa-haaa-haaaaaa-Wa-Waaaandaaaaaa, pleeeeeeease—haaaahaaaahaaahaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Satisfied, Wanda released Cosmo's wings, and he again collapsed on top of her, still laughing heartily, trying to catch his breath.

"There," smiled Wanda. "I got you to smile. Now don't make me resort to those measures again. Keep smiling for me. I love your smile."

"I—ha ha—I love your smile too." Finally getting his laughter under control, Cosmo slid his arms around Wanda's shoulders. "And I love the way you tickle me. And I love the way you still love me even when a lamp beats me at checkers. And I love cake." Wanda frowned at this last one, but Cosmo still kept his smile. "But I love you more than cake."

The corners of Wanda's mouth twitched upward. "Even more than cheesecake?"

"Even more than cheesecake!" Cosmo declared without hesitation.

Wanda once again wrapped her arms around Cosmo tightly, kissing him gratefully. And one of Cosmo's hands slid up her neck and the other one slid down her back as he returned the kiss.

"And I love you more than chocolate," Wanda whispered as she pulled away.

"Even more than dark chocolate with almonds?"

"Even more than dark chocolate with almonds."

This time Cosmo was the one to initiate the kiss.

It might have lasted for ages, as both of them couldn't imagine feeling more at peace with the world, but a sudden jarring sensation in Wanda's abdomen caused Wanda to shift uncomfortably and break the kiss. "Cosmo, I think it's happening," she murmured softly.

"What is?"

"The baby… the baby's starting to take half my magic." Another sharp jab rocked her belly, and she winced. "Please get off of me. Remember—ugh!—remember what I told you. If I say or do—eeeeeuuuuurrrg, sweet merciful—please, Cosmo, please get away from me, I don't want to hurt you!"

"But—"

"Please, you'll only be in the way—oh God!" The jabs of pain were quickly growing in both intensity and quantity. "The best thing you can do for me right now is to get out of my way—but don't don't don't don't leave the room, you need to be here to get the baby when it comes out!"

Cosmo quickly darted off Wanda and huddled in a corner, holding his legs to his chest, but not taking his eyes off Wanda. "Is… is this what you need me to do, sugar?"

"Yes…" Wanda could now literally feel the baby bouncing about inside of her, sucking magic with every hit, but she still made herself smile (as shaky and painful though the smile must have been) for Cosmo's sake. "Yes, dear, yes, you're doing wonderfully, I need you to stay there for me and be strong for me, okay honey?"

"I'll try," said Cosmo, his eyes wide and fearful. "I'll try. The baby's hurting you… I love you, please be okay…"

Wanda grasped her belly and nearly cried out from the pain, but still managed to look at Cosmo gratefully, guiltily, apologetically, lovingly. "I love you too, sweetheart, you're so wonderful, you're the best husband anyone could ask for…"

"Do—do you mean that?"

"Yes…"

"E-even though I'm a moron?"

The pain was now so intense that flashes of color were shooting across Wanda's eyes. She closed them tightly, tears still squeezing out. "That's never mattered to me," she whispered truthfully.

It was no longer individual jabs of pain. It was now a steady constant, roaring through her veins, and the more she fought it the more painful it was becoming. Clenching, twitching, crying, writhing did nothing, but she did it all anyway, her body knowing of no other way to cope.

"I'll try to be strong," she heard Cosmo say, the tone of his voice telling Wanda that he had to be crying, but still trying to put on a brave tone for her sake. "I'll sit here and try to be strong for you and then you'll be okay. I'll be as strong as I possibly possibly can! Is it helping?"

It was helping. It was helping more than he could know, and Wanda tried to tell him, but she was now in such agony that she couldn't even talk. She couldn't make any noises beyond a constricted choke. Yes, yes, please keep talking, please make me strong, yes, yes, I need you just as much as you need me…

Finally a vocalized sob emitted from her mouth, and Wanda twitched and spoke again, trying to put her regained ability to good use, but only one word came out before she constricted and choked again, writhing in anguish.

"Cosmo…"

She forced her eyes open. For him, she would force herself to battle through this pain.

For her, he was also forcing himself to keep his eyes open. They were flooded and blurred with tears, and he was still staring at her, curled up helplessly in the corner. "Wanda, I can't stand to see you like this, isn't there anything else I can… am—am I doing alright?"

Somehow she forced another word from her throat.

"Yes," she gasped, grasping the edge of the couch and writhing. Oh God, it was torture, it was torture, it was torture, end it now end it now end it now she couldn't endure it any more and it had only just begun oh God oh God oh God—

"Don't worry!" Cosmo was still crying, but his words were coming out loud and clear. "Don't worry, honey, I know what to do, when the baby comes out of you it'll be a glowing ball of energy about the size of a grape and I'll need to help guide it into my pouch…"

Wanda turned her head back towards Cosmo, gasping in both pain and surprise.

"I remember what you said. And I'll do it, and I'll be strong for you, and… and you'll get through this."

Somehow, knowing for sure that Cosmo did, in fact, know exactly what to do was enough for Wanda to stop fighting the pain and just slip completely into it.

The book hadn't even begun to describe the pain.

At first it was just pure white. She had clenched her eyes so tightly shut that all she could see was whiteness, but it didn't let up. And there was ringing, not a light buzz but a loud, loud, loud screech that was rattling her brain, making it impossible for her to hear anything else that Cosmo might have been saying. And it only grew louder and more urgent, the bright flashes of color returning and splattering against the whiteness, starting to take strangely discernable shapes—a heart, a star, a rabbit, a steak dinner with a house salad and glass of champagne on the side—

As the shapes strangely began to grow more random and specific, Wanda suddenly realized she could hear something amidst the clattering thunder in her brain. But it wasn't Cosmo, or anything else in their fishbowl, or even out of it.

It was laughter. A high-pitched, happy, bubbly laughter. The laughter of a baby.

Whether it really was the baby she was hearing or if it was just some internal mechanism that had evolved in fairies to keep themselves from completely giving into the pain and just dying, Wanda didn't know. But it was laughter, and the more the shapes flashed, the more Wanda felt the magic drained from her, the more the laughter continued, and conversely the more Wanda felt herself glowing. The laughter. The baby. It was there. It was now starting to shriek with laughter with every rapid-fire splatter of an image, and Wanda could swear she could even hear it exclaim "Poof!" with every poof of a shape appearing.

The baby was sucking up her magic, but the more Wanda heard it, the more she wanted it to. If it had wanted all of her magic she would have gladly given it up. The laughter, the "Poof!", the baby, it was giving the baby life and Wanda would have given up anything for it.

The whiteness was dimming. The shapes were disappearing. Wanda's energy… there was none.

And yet, somehow, in her semi-conscious mind, she could still feel something slipping out of her.

And suddenly there was no whiteness. There was darkness. And there was no draining.

Wanda's eyes flew open.

There it was.

Just like she had said, a glowing ball of energy, about the size of a grape.

"Cosmo!" she rasped out. "Cosmo, get it, get our baby…"

Her voice cracked and she could feel her eyes dimming, but she forced them to stay open, even though her vision was blurred.

But there was Cosmo.

Leaping up into the air, he motioned with his hands, coaxing the glowing ball towards him. "Come on, come on, come on, come to Daddy!" he cried desperately.

The ball hovered towards him.

Too slowly!

"Come on, come in my nice warm pouch…"

Too slow!

It wasn't going to make it!

And then Cosmo grabbed his wand, waved it frantically, and a gentle gust of wind suddenly guided the ball of light straight to him. With one more motion of his hands, he steered it towards his pouch, and the glowing ball plopped right in, the pouch instantly sealing up.

"I did it!" he exclaimed.

Odd that it was complete and utter relief that finally pulled the last string of Wanda's consciousness.

…

She knew that her lapse into unconsciousness hadn't been long at all. Certainly not long enough to even come close to recharging her, although it had helped dull some of her pain. But the seconds slipped by slowly, even though she knew they were only seconds.

One second.

The baby was safely in Cosmo's pouch. It was safe and alive, and Cosmo had done everything beautifully, and he had saved their baby. Now it would spend the rest of the pregnancy in him, giving Cosmo only minor inconveniences like morning sickness, odd cravings, slight irritability, and the like.

Two seconds.

It was just one baby. If it had been twins, she would be dead by now. But it was just one. She hadn't died. She hadn't left Cosmo all alone to carry and raise the twins by himself. And since it was just one and she was still alive, she would be there when it was born. And she would be able to know her child, and raise it, and care for it, and love it, just like a mother should. Just as she had always dreamed of doing.

Three seconds.

She had heard it. She was sure of it. She had heard its laughter—laughing at her pain, the darn thing was taking after its father already—its laughter that kept her going, that rang through her body and was an ointment to the pain, a much-needed reminder as to what the pain was for. It was for the baby. And for the baby, it was worth it. And its laughter showed her that it was there, it was really there, not just an imagined figment of her mind, not just a hopeful wish, but there, and the very real pain was worth it for a very real baby.

Four seconds.

Her eyes opened.

"—Wanda, Wanda, wake up, please wake up, are you alright?"

"…I—I will be," Wanda murmured shakily.

"Wanda!" Cosmo flung his arms around her shoulders in relief, sobbing into her shoulder. "I thought you were dead! If that's what you have to go through to have a baby then I don't want anymore after this, I don't want to see you go through all that again, but you're alive, you're alive, and…"

"I told you," Wanda said weakly, managing to smile, "it was very unlikely that it would be twins…"

"But you're alive, you're alive and okay and our baby…" He looked back down at where his pouch was, although now it was hard to tell that it was there. It had completely sealed up, leaving only a faint line across his belly. "Did I do okay?" he asked Wanda desperately.

Wanda smiled and felt herself sink back into the couch. "You did good, honey. You did… you did wonderfully. You were perfect. You're the most wonderful husband and you're going to be the most wonderful daddy."

"And you're the most wonderful wife!" Cosmo clutched Wanda again. "You're wonderful and brave and strong and I was trying so hard to be strong for you and for our baby and…"

"You did keep me strong. You and the baby. I heard it, Cosmo," Wanda whispered. "I heard it laughing. I heard our baby laughing, And Cosmo, it has the most beautiful laugh…"

"I want to hear it laugh."

"You will. We both will. In three months we'll hear it and see it and…"

"And…"

They both held each other close, crying tears of happiness. "And we're gonna be parents!" they cried in unison.

Happiness was recharging Wanda quicker than she would have expected. Happiness was easing Cosmo's fear quicker than he would have expected. Happiness was making them hold each other and cry and laugh into each other's shoulders for a good few minutes.

Suddenly Cosmo jolted. "I felt it!" he cried. "I felt it kick me! It's the size of a grape and I felt it kick me!"

Wanda quickly placed her hands on Cosmo's belly and pressed her ear up close. Obviously, Cosmo had only just gotten pregnant with it and wasn't at all showing yet, and it seemed impossible that he could have felt it in such a short—

"I do feel it moving in you!" Wanda suddenly exclaimed. "It certainly is a little ball of energy, isn't it?"

"I hope it doesn't do this for the entire three months, though," Cosmo admitted. "I don't know if my pouch can handle all the energy."

"You'll need to read that book I got," Wanda murmured, raising up her head so that she was now leaning on his chest, her arms sliding around his waist. "Although your pregnancy won't be nearly as bad as mine."

"I don't want another baby after this," said Cosmo firmly, his arms finding their way around Wanda's waist again as well. "If that's what you have to go through. I won't put you through that again."

"Not even if I want another one? Even knowing what I'll have to go through?"

Cosmo looked at her in surprise. "You're crazy. And I should know."

"Well, I might want another one. But…" She rubbed Cosmo's belly and sighed happily. "We'll wait until this one grows up a little bit before we make that decision."

"Wait until it's big enough so that we can teach it to play checkers. Maybe our baby won't beat me at checkers like the lamp does."

"I hope it's a girl," Wanda murmured.

"I hope it's a boy or a girl," Cosmo countered happily.

Wanda laughed in confusion. "Well, what else would it be?"

"It could be a baboon." Cosmo shuddered. "I don't wanna give birth to a baboon."

"Well, I highly doubt that, sweetie. Neither one of us is a baboon, so it doesn't have baboon genes. Although, on the other hand, your mother…"

"Hey! First of all, don't call my mother a baboon, she doesn't have a blue butt, and second of all, how do you know our baby's wearing jeans? It could be wearing shorts, or a skirt, or sexy leather pants—"

"You talk too much," laughed Wanda, snuggling into Cosmo's chest.

"Do I really?" Cosmo asked worriedly.

Wanda smiled and planted a kiss on him.

"No, not really. You talk just enough."

She realized that she was losing consciousness again, her weariness and exhaustion giving into sleep. Cosmo, too, was clutching her sleepily, sighing happily and yawning at the same time. But before she drifted off into dreamland, she heard him murmur one last thing.

"Next time… that lamp is going down."