3a) Do not make comments about Snape's (lack of) personal hygiene. He will curse you.
3b) Do not ask Dumbledore about the 'Elder Swear'. Just don't.
3c) Do not use 'cuneus' on people because 'I thought they deserved it'.
I popped into a dark, damp dungeon where a group of small kids were listening to a guy with the biggest nose I had ever seen and a very questionable taste in fashion was lecturing them at the front.
"…if done wrong this potion can leave you deformed for life…"
Wow, he went on. His rather nasal voice was getting on my nerves so, eyeing his greasy hair in a distasted fashion, I piped up from the shadow-draped corner I had appeared in.
"Wow. You really have no sense of personal hygiene what-so-ever." I separated 'whatsoever' into three words for impact. "I would have thought that someone of your age - around 50, right? – would know about a fabulous new invention known as," brief pause for dramatic effect, "shampoo."
The class around me was in hysterics. Well, one side was. The ones who were most enjoying it were two identical redheads in the front row. He snarled – actual snarlage – at me, picked up a wooden stick and, aiming at me, shot out a brightly coloured beam of light. Instinct kicked in and I dived behind one of the desks. The ray hit the wood and left a sunburst pattern of scorch marks on the front. I bravely, or stupidly, popped my head out from behind the barrier and made a short sighted quip that resulted in another beam being sent in my direction.
This teacher – Snape – had basically thrown a hissy fit at my light ridicule of his grease-laden hair and dismissed the entire class, which made sense as the gold and red tie-wearers were shaking too much to actually do anything. On their way out, the bookends grabbed my elbows, one on each, and dragged me into an empty classroom.
"Thank-you for one of-"
"The best Potions classes-"
"We've ever had. Snape was so-"
"Flustered he totally forgot about the truly epic-"
"Prank we had pulled earlier. Now, we're free-"
"To cause mayhem throughout the school, so thanks for getting us out of detention."
My head was spinning. I had lost track of which one was saying which bit. Were they psycic or something? How did one know what the other was about to say?
"Hold on, hold on. Whatever happened to introductions, here? I'm Alice Greene, or Ali G to my friends. I think we qualify, don't you? After all, I just saved you from detention with that greaseball."
"Fair enough. I'm Gred, and he's Forge."
I grinned. "Liar."
So, there I was. In the Head's office being interrogated about how I'd got here. Funnily enough, a sadistic and immature alien was not the answer they were looking for. Every time I answered, truthfully, they looked confused and held a little bottle with a clear liquid in it up to the light and tapped it. I'm guessing that they spiked my drink of water. It soon degenerated into a massive argument.
Because I had nothing better to do, I reached as subtly as possible into my Magic Backpack. My fingertips brushed paper and I slowly drew it out, reading the elegant script on the sheet of paper that was lying hidden on my lap.
Alice, I read, ask the bearded guy – his name is Dumbledore – about the Elder Swear. Memorise it, even if you have to make notes. Spread it around the school. after you get out of this room, you will find a wand in your Magic BackpackTM Once it is in your possession, aim it at Snape, or anyone else you dislike, and say the word 'cuneus'. They will get – well, I'm not going to spoil your fun. Just don't use it on friends. And keep the Weasley twins around. Teach them the spell and, if you can, get Peeves on side. They will all be useful tools in your quest for mayhem.
Q. He signed off with and elegant squiggle.
"Professor Dumbledore," I started, injecting just the right amount of reverence and awe into my voice, "Do you know anything about… the Elder Swear?"
His eyes twinkled. "Alas! I do." eagerly anticipating what was coming next, I got out a pen and some lined paper. "Your mother is a CENSORED hippopotamus BEEEEEEEEEEEP Daniel Radcliff…" it never stopped!
I let out a breath I did not know I had been holding. "Impressive." I quickly filed away the sheet I had been writing on and made good my escape (again). Once I was out of the door, I reached back into the Magic Backpack and drew out one of the wooden sticks. I hurled myself down to the bottom of the spiral staircase and almost flew into my new partners in crime.
"Okay, Gred, Forge, I have some great new material. Here," I snatched the sheet covered in my untidy scrawling along with two other sheets. I waved my new wand over the used sheet and then tapped on two fresh, clean ones. They immediately began to fill up. "Is the Elder Swear. I have been sworn to secrecy by the headmaster himself. So you know what that means."
"Use at every opportunity?"
"Yup. Oh, and before I forget here's a new spell. I've been told to use it on enemies only, and to get someone called 'Peeves' on side to cause mayhem. Ring any bells?"
So, it turned out that 'cuneus' was a spell that gave the recipient the wedgie of their life. Needless to say, half the school (Slytherin and anyone else who had annoyed the Weasley bookends) was looking over their shoulders, wary of sudden and painful attack. At lunchtime, we teamed up and shot three combined beams of white light at the slimeball teacher. At the sight of his suddenly crossed eyes and his quickly-following scream of agony, three quarters of the school burst into applause, cheering and whoops. As my two fellow troublemakers and I took our bows on top of the Gryffindor table, I could see the Slytherins (or Junior Death Eaters, as I had been informed) sent glares promising severe pain and death. Now they knew precisely who had been torturing them all day and were getting ready to exact revenge.
As the hair on the back of my neck pricked in an all-too-familiar way, I turned to them.
"Watch your backs. The Junior Death Eaters are gonna be out for some serious revenge."
"We'll be fine. We're just sad-"
"That Lee had to miss out 'cause of-"
"A Potions accident. Bad luck-"
"For him. Still, we can-"
"Show him the memories in the-"
"Pensieve we nicked – I mean"
"Borrowed," they chorused.
I laughed. "Truly great meeting you two. You have inspired me to take pranks to the highest of levels." Giving them a salute, I stepped back and the lightning bolt embraced me.
AN – 'cuneus' is Latin for 'wedge-shaped'. I tinkered with the meaning to come up with this inspired spell. Oh and, if you hadn't figured it out, the clear potion was Veritaserum. They thought it had gone out of date, or something. If you want to know the whole Elder Swear, go to Youtube and type in PPP wizard swears.