Artemis thinks this is karma.
It is stupid to think that, she knows, but she can't push away these voices whispering so in her mind. Because she had made the decision to go back. Because she had agreed to the plan to fake her death. And now, because of that, her whole world is gone.
Wally West is gone.
It's a horrible reminder every single time she returns home. The home which she had shared with Wally, where they had built a whole new happy and normal life together. And she had shattered all that when she longed to go back, longed for a life she had earlier decided to retire from.
So many people are around her, comforting her. She knows that they feel pain from Wally's death too. Dick comes by sometimes, and at first it's awkward, but then they end up talking about old times, old missions, Wally's souvenirs, and they both collapse into tears. Dick is- was his best friend. He knew Wally even before she did.
Kaldur stops by too. She knows that he understands, after losing Tula.
But it's not the same, she thinks, because Dick never loved Wally like she did, and Kaldur was never with Tula like she was with Wally, and then she hates herself for having such a selfish and stupid thought.
She swings by the West's house every now and then, and it is a brief comfort to her. Being in the house where Wally grew up in, where he was raised wonderfully by his parents, having people who loved him as much as she did, makes her feel a little better.
But it's not enough. It hurts, because sometimes Jay, Barry and Bart stop by, and she is reminded painfully of the Flash that is gone from this family. Even when Barry's twins are born, she can't help but imagine how happy Wally would have been.
Her mother has decided to move in and she is glad for it. Glad for the company, glad to not be overwhelmed by the loneliness in an apartment where she was once happy and whole. Sometimes Jade stops by with Lian, and playing with her niece brings her smiles, genuine ones which she thought she had lost forever. But it hurts. It hurts because Lian has red hair too and she can always imagine Wally doing the silliest things to make Lian laugh. Jade says nothing about Wally, but she does tell Artemis to rock Lian to sleep because according to her, it is the most comforting thing in the world. And it is, and it is alright for a while.
But with as much love she has for her niece, it reminds her painfully of the hole that is missing in her own heart.
She wonders if he would be alright with her decision to return to crime fighting. But she needs it. Fighting is therapeutic. At the very least, she is no longer wearing the green costume she did when she met him. The adrenaline takes her mind off the pain, but sometimes, when she sees that red and yellow costume flash by in a mission, her heart twinges. Even though she was the one that talked Bart into wearing it, because Wally had wanted him to. Because Wally's legacy deserves to live on.
It is, however, still a reminder of Wally, of their days back when they had been at loggerheads, constantly making wisecracks at each other. Kaldur tries his best not to put them on the same team, but Artemis has always worked well with a speedster and it is inevitable.
She senses Kaldur's discomfort, and tells him that it is alright, but it will always remind her of how seamlessly she and Wally had worked together. Sometimes there are missions that crop up in Paris too, and she insists on going because they need her, even as everyone glances nervously towards her. She is always unnaturally focused on the mission, even with the Eiffel Tower's silhouette in the distance, but when she returns to the base, she excuses herself.
Black Canary notices this from the very first time, and approaches her for a session. Artemis doesn't fight it, like she used to. Like how Wally used to. Her voice breaks as she recounts how happy she was at the Eiffel Tower back then, when he had swept her up into his arms, and when he had zoomed by to kiss her. Their very last kiss.
Seeing the couples in her team is a bittersweet feeling as well. She is happy that M'gann and Connor are back together. And Tim and Cassie are adorably sweet. Sometimes, Artemis even ends up counselling Cassie when she and Tim go through rough spots, reminding the girl to never let go of the man she loves. And Cassie's eyes glint and she understands and they are alright again.
She wants them to be happy. She wants them all to never experience the pain she has.
But her heart is selfish and screams that Wally is gone, and they are happy and it is not fair.
But it is karma, isn't it?
Perhaps if she hadn't agreed to retire, perhaps if she had insisted on staying, Wally would have continued training. Then, his speed wouldn't have fallen, and who knows, he could have possibly grown faster, and he... wouldn't have...
It's her fault, isn't it? When she had "died", she had worried him constantly. They both knew that if she wasn't careful, her identity could have been exposed. What if she had met Ra's Al Ghul sooner? What if M'gann hadn't replaced Deathstroke? What if she had died in the mission and they would never see each other again?
She had been so frightened at the prospect of never seeing him again that she hadn't even imagined that it would be him leaving her.
It is karma, and Artemis deserves every bit of it.