Ganon, Jobs, and… Sporks? Oh my!
A/N: All right, what do you think would happen if at the end of TP, Ganondorf chose not to fight Link and instead wanted something more? WELL! Here is a messed up fic, containing mostly all of the Zelda characters. Why, you ask? Because I said so!! So, if you enjoy reading complete idiocy and madness, fell free to read on ahead. Did I mention that this is a messed up, idiotic, and mad story?
Disclaimer: Lightwolf8 does not own any of the Zelda characters, for if she did… well it is best to leave some things unsaid. And you will see why if you read this…
WARNING: LW8 is extremely serious about this story being messesd up, idiotic, and mad. So if you cannot handle any of the above she suggests that you leave. NOW!! SERIOUSLY!
Narrator: Hi!!! I'm the narrator, the extremely important person in this-
Random dude: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!! GET ON WITH THE STORY
Narrator: Well, excuse me… Let us continue… MAYBE THEN PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY CARE!!
Link and Midna: *walk into Hyrule Castle's throne room where the first thing they see is Zelda*
Narrator: And yes, Zelda is a thing. I mean really-
Random dude's agent: MY CLIENT DID NOT COME HERE FOR YOUR OPINIONS! NOW GET ON WITH THE STORY BEFORE I GET MY YOGURT!
Narrator: I'M THE ONE TELLING THE STORY SO SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!
Midna: You! *Points finger accusingly at Ganondork who sits under Zelda* Why are you sitting below her?
Ganondork: Heh heh, well…
Midna and Link: Don't answer that!
Ganon: Fine, fine. Now, welcome to my castle! Would you care for some ale? A dumpling perhaps?
Midna: No we would not! This is not your castle!
Link: Actually, I would like a dumpling…
Ganon: Your pick.
Midna: *face palms herself*
Link: Umm… *reaches for a dumpling, but as soon as he does, Ganon pulls the tray away with an evil laugh*
Ganondork: HAH! I lied!
Link: You… YOU ARE A MEANIE!! *breaks down crying while Midna glares at Ganon*
Midna: So, you think it is funny to build up ones hopes and dreams and then CRUSH them?! Crush them like a tiny ant under you foot?! Do you know how the ants feel?! Just because they are small doesn't mean that they are hopeless!
Narrator: Well… um… we have to skip this part cause Midna apparently has a VERY colorful vocabulary… *Looks through the newspaper that is conveniently placed beside her* Hey! Did you know that Midna started a 'Save the Ants' campaign? Anyway, let's see if Midna is done ranting.
Midna: And that is why that no one likes people that offer dumplings but then pull away at the last minute causing the person that was offered the dumplings to start bawling their eyes out so the person that is stuck with them has to go on a rant.
Narrator: This is going on while Ganon is actually talking in the game. But then again, this is FAR from the game. I think I'll stop interrupting now.
Ganondork: … *Shakes his head* Never mind that! You will never defeat me! *Pixelates and flies up to Zelda.*
Midna: *Tries to protect the Thing but instead Ganon goes through her to Zelda* Hey! That's not fair!
Possessed Zelda: Life isn't fair! *Blasts Midna away with dark magic* Prepare to die, Hero!
Link: Wait a minute… something isn't right… Oh yeah! Thing, move over to me a bit more. A little more. More. THERE!
Possessed Zelda: What is this for?
Link: Now I have a good view.
Possessed Zelda: *unsure whether to blush or fry Link. In the end, it floats down to the ground and puts its hand out challengingly* We fight now.
Link: Cool!
Possessed Zelda: Now fight me! While we…
[Enter extremely long 'dramatic' pause here]
Possessed Zelda: Have a dance off.
Random dude: *points at the author* You are messed up.
LW8: Why thank you!
Narrator: Can I continue.
LW8: You better or else you aren't getting your pay.
Narrator: On to the show- WAIT! You aren't paying me anything!
LW8: Umm… there is a perfectly good reason for that… *Pulls out machete* BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T CONTINUE I GET YOU HEAD!
Narrator: Continuing!
Possessed Zelda: *Begins to break-dance*
Link: *Does the Charlie Brown* Oh yeah, oh yeah! Can't touch this! Uhhuh… Oh yeah!
LW8: Hey, um, Narrator? Doesn't Link sound like-
Narrator, Random Dude, Random dudes agent, and a hobo: Don't finish that sentence!!! There may be young readers!!
LW8: Fine, fine… But this is rated T.
Hobo: In due time, young grasshopper… in due time.
LW8: WHAT THE-
Narrator: It isn't good to use foul language!
LW8: Oh go cry me a river…
10 hours later…
Possessed Zelda: You… beat me! Noo!!! *crumples to the ground* I'm melting! I'm meelltttiiinnnggg!!
Midna: *Floats back over and bitch slaps Thing* Why did you blast me outside where it is RAINING!?
Zelda: *slapped so hard that Ganon is knocked out of It*
Ganon: *Begins to pixelate behind Link and Midna into a large beast*
Link: Omigawd! It's Barney the Purple Dinosaur. *squeals like an overly obsessed fan girl*
Midna: *Shakes her head* My life is so messed up… And Link, he isn't even purple!
Link: Shut it, fairy!
Midna: D-did you just call me a fairy?
Link: What if I did lard butt?
Midna: Ugh… just shut up and help me defeat this thing!
Link: I don't want to.
Midna: WHAT!?
Link: Now turn me into a puppy!
Midna: No, no! You're supposed to shoot him with you arrows!
Link: *gives Midna the Death Glare* Turn me into a puppy you fairy-bitch!
Midna: Fine… *turns Link into a wolf and watches him walk over to Ganon*
Link: It's Barney!
LW8: Shut up Link and get back into the story. If you do you will get steak.
Link: STEAK?
LW8: Yup.
Narrator: … As I was saying …
Link: Hello Barney!
Ganon: I am not Barney! I am Ganon!
Link: You can't deny the truth! You can try but you will fail!
Ganon: I wish I knew that earlier…
Link: It helps doesn't it?
Ganon: *transforms into his human self* I just wish I could be a normal boy! I mean, all my life I was poor! No one would let me have a job because they said I was too tough and mean. Do you think I'm tough and mean?
Link: Of course not.
Ganon: *begins to cry and walks over to Link who had Midna change him back into a human* Why is everyone so mean?
Link: Let it out, let it out… *He pats Ganon on the back as he cries endlessly onto Link's shoulder*
Midna: What in the world is wrong with these people?
Zelda: They have gone through tough times.
Midna: Where did you come from? Weren't you just- Oh never mind.
Zelda: Listen, hun, life is full of twists and turns and you just have to get used to the fact that it isn't what it is turned out to be.
Midna: That has to be… the most… REDICULOUS thing you have ever said!
Zelda: *does that funny back and forth snappy thingy* What are you talkin' 'bout sista? At least I'm not naked!
Midna: I'm not naked! And at least I'm not a thing. Actually, I don't even think that you're a thing.
Zelda: You did not just go there.
Midna: You bet I did!
Zelda: Then by the power of the Seductive Din, Wise Idiot Nayru, and Lone Farore I banish you! *does funny hand motions*
Midna: And guess what? I'm still here! And what?!
Zelda: You heard me! So-
Link: Hey!
Midna and Zelda: WHAT?!
Link: … Oh, um… Yeah, I'm going to help Ganondork find a job!
Midna and Zelda: A… job?
Ganon: ----
Narrator: Do I have to say that?
LW8: *Laughing so hard she can't speak* Y-yes! HAHAHA!
Narrator: Can I please switch it? PLEASE?! What you have is disturbing and will give our readers nightmares!
LW8: Fine, fine! Put what you want.
Ganon: Yup!
Narrator: See! Yup is highly less disturbing.
LW8: Dude… you just ruined the fun
Narrator: You should go see a psychiatrist for your mental health. Sometimes I worry about you. On with the show!
Zelda: Really?
Link: Of course! Now, are you going to help or not?
Midna: *grabs Thing* What do you think?
Thing: I think it's kind of sweet.
Midna: *Bitch slaps her again* What is wrong with you?
Thing: Nothing!
Midna: *sighs and turns back to Link and Ganon* Fine, we'll help.
Link and Ganon: Hurrah!
Thing: *laughs* Hurrah!
Midna: Ugh, can we just find him a job?
The Next Day…
Narrator: Well, what do you think will happen?
LW8: 1. I can't answer because I'm the author, and 2. BURN!!!
Random Dude: Oh yeah! BURN!
Random Dude's Agent: I will have to say Ganon will cause the world to blow up.
Everyone but Random Dude's Agent: WHF?!
RDA: I don't know. Anything can happen.
Narrator: ROLL THE FIC!
Midna: *hides in Link's shadow as they enter Castle Town* Where are we going first?
Link: Um… to the bar!
Thing: Are you sure that's such a good idea?
Ganon: Of course!
Midna: Whatever…
Five minutes later in Telma's Bar…
Telma: What can I do for ya, hun?
Midna: Oh my gosh, she sounds like Thing.
Ganon: Shh…
Link: Well, Telma, my friend here is looking for a job and I was wondering if you had anything available.
Telma: Hmm… *light bulb above her head lights up* I have just the thing. C'mere, hun.
Ganon: It that is what you wish milady.
Telma: Aw! You're sweet! Now get yer ass over here!
Ganon: …
Telma: GET OVER HERE!!
Ganon: Hurries over behind the bar with Telma. What do I have to do?
Telma: *Hands him a pile of tableware* Separate the knives from the forks and spoons, the forks from the knives and spoons, and the spoons from the forks and knives. Simple enough?
Ganon: Of course! I am the Dark Lord and these flimsy metal eating utensils will not bring me down! *Eerie lightning randomly sounds*
Link: AHH! *jumps under a table*
Midna: *rolls her eyes* Oh get up you scaredy-cat.
Link: Fine…
Thing: Hey, Telma, do you have anything to drink?
Telma: What do you want?
Link: One of your strongest drinks please!
Thing: Whiskey with a drop of lime!
Midna: Blood is fine…
Everyone: WHAT?!
Midna: One, I'm not a light dweller. And two, it's good. Everyone has there different likes, right?
Telma: … Wait one second. *Leaves and comes back over with the three drinks* Here you are! Scotch for Link, whiskey with lime for Thing, and blood… for the fairy girl.
Midna: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? DO I LOOK LIKE A FAIRY TO YOU? YOU MAY AS WELL CALL ME A PROSTITUE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!!
Link: *Bites his lip* Well…
Midna: *growls causing Link to dive under the table again* Oh, give me that damn drink! *Snatches the glass from Zelda and chugs it down while everyone tries there best not to get sick*
Thing: *Takes her drink and gives a seductive grin to Telma who backs away slowly. She chugs down her drink and lets out a long burp* More!!
Link: *stares at his drink angrily* What is this? This is an outrage! You give me scotch!!!! I meant milk! Y'know! The drink that people get drunk off of and they begin to do things after they have it. M-I-L-K! *Begins to sings Y-M-C-A but instead sings M-I-L-K*
Narrator: What is wrong with this author?
LW8: Well… um… a lot I suppose. But everyone likes milk! I prefer strawberry.
RDA: What about chocolate?
LW8: *scrunches up her face* Ewww.
Random Dude: Can we please continue?
Narrator: Fine, fine… I just wish I was getting paid.
LW8: Continue!
Telma: Milk? You want milk?
Link: Uh, yeah!
Thing: *now on about her tenth drink already and puts her mouth near Midna's ear* Hey fairy +hic+ you're pretty cute…
Midna: *bitch slaps Thing… again* What's wrong with you?
Ganon: AHHHH!!!!
Everyone: *runs over to where Ganon is sitting on the ground*
Ganon: What is this thing? It isn't a knife… but is it a spoon or a fork?!
Telma: *pats Ganon on the back* That Ganon, is a spork.
Ganon: A spork? A spork?! A SPORK?!! WHAT IS A SPORK?! *gets VERY angry and uses his dark magic to blow up the bar* DIE SPORKS!! DIE!
Thing: Whoa… +hic+ Does Ganny-poo need a +hic+ hug? *Walks over and throws her arms around him* Y'know +hic+ maybe later +hic+ we can-
Midna: *grabs Thing and pulls her away* Bad! *flicks its nose*
Thing: Ow…
Link: Uh… Midna?
Midna: What do you want?
Link: Maybe we should go…
Midna: Why should- *eyes widen when she sees Telma with a torch and pitchfork* Ah, I see. *Warps Ganon, Link, and Thing away*
At Lake Hylia…
Ganon: Why are we here? I liked my old job.
Link: Because you can't- OWWW!!! *jumps around when Thing bites his ear* What was that for?!
Thing: I +hic+ dunno… *giggles girlishly* 'Cause you're-
Midna: Okayy… Thing, shut up!
Thing: *slightly hurt* Fine.
Link: To the Canon Dude! *Runs away to the crazy man that controls the canon and in the game makes Link pay 300 RUPEES! LIKE WTF?!*
Thing and Ganon: TO THE CANON DUDE! *sprint after our green clad friend*
Midna: *groans* I'm coming.
Link: Hello! Do you have any jobs for our friend here? *indicates Ganon to the Canon Dude*
Random Dude: WAIT! The canon guy has a NAME you know.
RDA: Shush! I'm listening! Please continue Narrator. *grabs a handful of popcorn from LW8 who reluctantly lets him*
Narrator: Yeah! Shush! Now let me continue!
Canon Guy: Uh yeah! I mean, like, working this canon is so, like, hard.
Narrator, Random Dude, and RDA: LW8!!!!!
LW8: Hehe… what?
Narrator: *opens his mouth, quickly closes it again, and shakes his head*
Thing: So, +hic+ you do?
CD: Of course I do you silly goats!
Midna: Why do people insist on calling me names?
Link: Aw, it's okay Midna!
Midna: Did you just call me… my name?
Link: Of course I did flea brain.
Midna: I wouldn't be talking skirt boy.
Link: Fatso!
Midna: Lint licker!
Link: Mail box!
Midna: Pickle breath!
Link: Shut it, fairy. If you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd be twice as smart as you really are! *folds his arms across his chest*
Midna: WHAT?!
Link: Exactly.
Midna: Whatever. Now, Canon Dude, do you have a job for him?
CD: Uh, I, like, already said yeah. Do you, like, need a hearing aid?
Thing: Well, can you just tell us what it is?
Ganon: *Whispers to Link* Do you think she's done being drunk?
Link: Naw.
CD: Sooo, yer the one that, like, needs this job, right? *points to Ganon*
Ganon: Affirmative.
CD: Well, first off, we, like, have to test you to see if you, like, can handle my baby here. Just spin this lever and your victim- I mean passenger, will, like, be launched into the air.
Ganon: *grins evilly* Sure, now do I try?
CD: Like, yaaa! Wait for me, like, to get in. *climbs into the canon*
Thing: Pull the lever, Ganon!
Ganon: *spins the lever madly and laughs as it plays this odd, creepy tune.* WHAHAHAHA! *accidentally spins it too hard, the canon tips over, and CD is launched into the side of a cliff*
Thing: Look what you +hic+ did!
Ganon: *still spinning the lever* DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!
Link: I never did get my milk…
Five hours later after Midna suddenly decides to beat everyone to a pulp and that scary moon from MM randomly appears above them singing the song I'm Too Sexy…
Link: *hiding behind Thing* I'm SORRY!!! So SORRY!
Midna: *waves her fist in the air* You should be! Now, give me a foot massage!
Thing: We have to find Ganon +hic+ a job.
Midna: *turns to Ganon* I'm sorry, but you… you are a pathetic excuse for a man and you must stick with being, I don't know… EVIL!!
Ganon: E-evil? *laughs softly and it soon becomes an uproar* EVIL! EEEVVVIIILLL!!!! Haha! My first order of business is to get rid of you! *uses his dark magic to call upon and giant… belly dancers? Okay, belly dancers who stomp Link, Thing, and Midna to nothingness…*
Narrator: THE END!
Random Dude and RDA: The… end? THE END? HOW IS THIS THE END? What happened afterwards?!
LW8: I can answer that for you.
Random Dude, RDA, and Narrator: … Well…?
LW8: Ganon becomes King of Hyrule, he creates the Gerudo tribe once more, starts global warming, and eats babies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Random Dude, RDA, and Narrator: …………
LW8: What?
RDA: You're messed up, girl.
LW8: *smiles happily* I know.
Narrator: There has to be more to this script…
LW8: *turns to face the reader* Now, are you sure what you just read and are reading is real? How do you know that this page isn't just blank and you're imagining what you are reading? Do you have proof that it is real? I THINK NOT! You don't know what I think… and if you did, then you would not be here right now…
Link, Midna, Zelda, Ganon, Telma, and CD: YOU MESSED US UP!!
Random Dude: Ooo… busted.
LW8: *gulps* Uh, you see, there is a very good explanation for this idiotic story… it is, uh. *turns and runs away* THEY'RE ONTO ME!!
Link: Do you think she'll be alright?
Zelda: She's still alive isn't she?
Midna and Telma: We can't believe we were the only normal people in this story.
Ganon: Yeah… You know, sometimes I really do wonder what sporks are classified as.
Everyone: Yeah…
Link: Also, I never did get my milk
LW8: now wasn't that just messed up? Review!
RDA: NEVER!!!! BAHA!
LW8: o.O Don't listen to him...