Free of me

I close the door behind me and lean back against it. Exhaling for what feels like the first time. Reality hits, I'm safe, nobody can see me here, I crumble, I cry. The sobs shatter through me. It is over. She is better off without me; she doesn't need somebody who says things like that to her, who would intentionally hurt her like that. In hurting her I have only succeeded in hurting myself. I was hurt by her, I opened up to her and she rubbed salt in the wound; the difference is that I opened myself up to her, she was afraid and protecting herself and I cut her open anyway. I told her that we could be scared together and I believed it, then I couldn't do it. Lately my life has fallen off the tracks, this huge awakening and then the Stevens revelation, it was too much and I was so messed up. I need to be alone when I do this, I can't bring others down with me, she didn't deserve that any more. This is the way I've always been. Maybe I could be what she wants one day, but I can't do it yet, I'm not ready. It's strange, I was angry because she couldn't get her head together quickly enough but I can't let her all the way in yet. I wish I understood my own head. She is so much better off not having to deal with this.

Unwell

The psych patient sitting in front of me is crying out that he is sane and it's the rest of us that are crazy. I'm inclined to agree with him, at least he's happy. I want to sleep, I haven't in days, the world is wrong and I just wish it felt like I could be happy again. I keep trying to remember how I was before; I can't do it without thinking about her. Everybody is talking about me, they know something's wrong. This will pass, I keep telling myself that, this will pass, I won't feel this trapped forever, in the mean time people have to remember who I used to be and give me the benefit of the doubt; if they don't then all they will know is the broken wreck that I am now. I'm in an on call room and Mark wakens me gently, I was talking in my sleep again, nothing too telling just asking for answers. He looks at me protectively, I know he can't bear to listen to me talk about this again so I spare him the pain. "I'm not crazy!" I hear from down the hallway and I snap back to reality. I know I'm not crazy; it's everyone else that doesn't get it.

Your winter

The clouds are consistent in this city they mask the atmosphere. I had set up my own set of clouds around myself to mask the atmosphere and the outside world. I keep looking at the phone, I should call her, I should apologise, I should tell her how much I care. I hurt her so much, I carry the atmosphere with me now, and I have trapped it in my bubble with me. I have an image of myself, how things were and I wish I could go back, that was an age ago and I wish I could get back to when the clouds were broken and I let somebody in. I hate myself for what I have done. I don't want to be the one who hurts her. I am holding on to old pain. I am holding on when she wanted to move forward, not as fast as me. Why do I always have to be such a stubborn child? I have to have things my way. I can't believe she put up with me and I repaid her like this. I have to try and make this right; I don't know what to do. If I face her again I might only hurt her more, I can't do that anymore. She was my best friend once but I need advice, I need help to know what to do and I am going to have to swallow my pride and ask for it. I won't make her cry again and I need to find out the best way to do that. I need to be there for her and wait for her to be as ready as I thought I was; maybe I need to wait for me to be as ready as I thought I was. I'm so confused, I know if I could just look at her again she would see it written all over my face, all the pain I'm holding onto because I care about her so much. If I look at her again I will have to completely let my guard down and that frightens me and maybe she's getting over me and seeing me again would hurt her more. I don't know what to do.

Maybe this time

I keep trying to keep my mind off of her. Trying to think of something other than the past, the pain and somewhat alarmingly, the frustration. Then I see a mop of Blonde curls down the hall, this woman is beautiful, and maybe she could help me forget. Maybe she can understand my "kind of" predicament. I have lost so much this year and I can't lose anymore, I can't I need to get away from this feeling of loss. I look for my friend, the person I talk to about things, and he is nowhere to be found, then I remember he said he had a thing to do today – with his track record I don't want to know what the thing is. I am going to have to bite the bullet - I need the distraction. I want to be happy, just for a bit. I used to be so easy going, everything was so simple, I don't know how I became so alone and difficult. I was so confident in my own way of working, maybe this woman will see it. She seems into me, something could happen here. I take a deep breath and approach her, feeling like I just might succeed this time. "Sadie…?"

I know the truth.

I don't know how I got here, I have missed so much of life and just when it is starting to feel right, feel real, it didn't even get a chance to be real. I have to stop being passive aggressive. The fates are not aligned against me; I am the only one against me. This is the stark truth and it hurts to admit it. Almost as much as asking for help. I sit in the bar looking at the door, waiting for him to arrive, he strolls in and sits next to me, not looking at me, sitting far away. I clear my throat about to speak but he interrupts me.

"Do you even know what you did? Do you know what you did to her? What, did you not think she was hurt enough?" He speaks, quietly, it is true and it is frightening.

I am a little shocked, it seems more true coming from somebody else, and suddenly I don't need his help any more, I was wrong, I never needed his help in the first place.

I can't believe I never figured this out I was trapped in darkness and was unwilling to look out at what was right there in front of me, I was afraid of what would happen if I did. The problem is that I took the same attitude I have with all my relationships, physical first, then emotional. I didn't figure out that the emotional was already established and I broke that. I can't blame this on anyone but myself. I do know her and I know what I have to do. I thank him, he looks confused but I don't take much notice as I walk away.

Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters

I have been standing on the outside looking in for too long and I tried to feel something for Sadie, I tried but I couldn't. I knew why, she wasn't what I needed. So many people think they are too good for the real world. Bad things shouldn't happen to them. They do not take notice of the world around them and this is what I am resolved to do, I am going to take notice of the people and the places around me. There is no difference between rich and poor, we all hurt, we all feel, we all know what we need to do and I needed to move on.

I tried, but I realised something as I was "appreciating" the world, it's full of hope, the spring comes after winter, the morning comes after night. People have a twisted cynical view of the world and they have no business doing that. Sometimes you need to hope that the world understands and will give you a chance. Sometimes it knocks you really far first, but the world never abandons you, not completely. I am a reformed optimist. I cannot shed my dry attitude to life but I can look at it from the inside a little differently.

My newfound optimism is working and I think just maybe I might be ok. I walk into my building reading my mail determined to enjoy my evening and thinking about cooking, it's nice to treat yourself. Then I see the blonde curls, not the ones I pursued recently but the ones I know the feel of, the taste of, the smell of. My heart falls through my body and lands at my feet. I don't know what to do, my new philosophy is telling me to hope but my hurt is telling me to run. At that it is too late, she turns around and I see anxious, determined blue eyes. "Please don't tell me to go."

Tell her to go? I can't speak, I can't move. How could I form that kind of coherent sentence? My new perspective on life is kicking in, I am appreciating everything again, as though for the first time, she really is beautiful, but she looks like I feel – shattered. "Ok, I won't" I really want to let her straight back in but I can't; my guard is up and it isn't going anywhere soon.

You've got a friend

I don't know what to do. Did she mean she wanted me to come in, did she mean she wouldn't tell me to go but she wouldn't invite me in either. Stop. Think. I know her. I know her. She looks hurt, she looks broken, I did this but she didn't tell me to go. If she wanted me to go she would have told me, so far so good. I follow her into the apartment, it's familiar but I am uncomfortable. I want to grab hold of her and pull her close to me. I picked up the pieces last time, I helped make things better, I want to do it again. Last time it wasn't my fault. This makes things more difficult.

It is at this point that I know no matter what happens, I can't walk away again. She's my friend, I care about her, and I do know her, probably better than she knows I do.

I look at her knowing I need to get her to look at me because we have that ability to convey things to one another with a look, to know what the other is thinking and we both know it. Finally she does look up at me and while I am trying to show how much I care, I see a mixture of things in her eyes – pain, confusion and … hope?

"Thank you for letting me in." I say quietly

She looks down again and nods.

I move closer to her, not much but a little.

"I'm sorry I walked away, I'm sorry I left, I'm so sorry I hurt you."

She doesn't answer or even look at me.

"I'm sorry I'm selfish because I knew coming to see you would hurt you again. Maybe even more, but I came because I had to tell you something."

She turns her body towards me but still doesn't meet my eyes.

"I had to come here, I had to come because you are too stubborn to pick up a phone, and to analytical to read a letter and not look for what it "really" means, you're too confused to deal with this at work and while your home is your personal space, it's where you feel safe enough to let me in and still feel strong."

She looks at me through cold eyes that look confused, trying to fathom what I have just said. I take a step closer, looking at her as honestly as I can.

"I know you, I know that and so do you. I opened up to you, you didn't open up to me the same way and that hurt but I realised you didn't have to - I already know you. You're my friend and I understand you. You told me you want to be with me. I understand that now. I told you that you couldn't kind of be a lesbian, I was selfish, I can't kind of be a lesbian, I know that. I want to be with you too. As long as we agree on that we can be whatever we want to be. Callie, when this started, we were both 'straight' or so I thought, the way we feel is just the way we feel and I'm finally ok with that. You panicked and ran and tested yourself and had doubts. I panicked and threw myself into something I didn't understand; we panicked Callie, in different ways. I am so sorry I walked away from you. I realised my life was running away from me and nothing made sense, I thought I had to figure it out and I thought I was protecting you by pushing you away. I screwed up. I don't believe you can forgive and forget; I'm not an idiot. But I couldn't let you believe I didn't care or I didn't know you. Whatever you ever need from me it's yours. You're the best friend I have had in a long time."

I take a deep breath and look at her. I can see something in her face, but I can't pinpoint it.

Cryin'

I'm trying to figure out what she just said to me. I heard her clearly but I have to go over it again in my head, I know it was an apology, beyond that there is a lot of meaning I have figure out. She is looking at me expectantly but I sit down on the couch and rest my chin on the tips of my clasped hands while I think. She's sorry, she panicked, I panicked, she wants to be with me, she gets what I did, she's worried about me forgiving and forgetting but she seems completely to have accepted all that I have done to hurt her. Most importantly – she knows me. Internally I sigh from relief the outside world isn't real right now it's just me in my head trying to figure myself out.

I don't know what to do. I have spent all my recent time trying to forget her, get away from her and everything she meant to me. I tried and I failed – the moment I saw her I felt the past flood back to me. It was the best parts of our past together, the pain was there too but foremost were the memories of how she helped me get through the pain of losing George, how – in a nauseatingly appropriate manner – the heart surgeon had helped me pick up the pieces of my broken heart. If it wasn't me that thought it I think I might vomit at that but it was true. Our friendship had been so strong, I had come to depend on it, loved her as a friend the way people do in school and college. She was my support in the real world. I don't know when my feelings became something more or when I started to let her in as I had with nobody in the past, but I was happy I had done it I was comfortable with her in my bubble. We had tried to have the something more that we both wanted. It started the wrong way, I acted instead of talking to her and trying to figure things out, after that it was a confused mess of "justified" cheating and hopeless analogies because we didn't talk. I am making such an effort to build myself together as a person that is able to communicate – think then talk then act. I get them back to front and while that aggression is welcome in the hospital you should never bring it home.

So that is what I am doing now – thinking. Next step speaking. I have to think about what to say. I want her back, I don't want to scare her and I don't want her to think I am more ready than I am but I need to let her know that I am finally comfortable in my own skin and that being with her is my second highest priority behind having our friendship back.

I look up at her, I have been sitting silent for minutes and she hasn't moved, she's looking at me and I have to push away the desire to kiss her, I can remember how she tastes, how she feels… but I have to push that away. Speak to her, say something.

"You're the best friend I've had in a long time, I didn't take you for somebody weak enough to run from your problems" My voice is warm and my face is sincere. She looks hurt so I go on to explain myself. "I'm glad you came back to face me, I know I was one of your problems. You were trying to protect me? From what knowing you completely? Talk to me and I'll talk to you, it used to be something that was easy. I meant it and I still do - I want to be with you, people fight, I've been feeling pretty broken lately you look like you have to. Last time I felt this broken you fixed it, you do know me and I know you and I know we can try to… we deserve another chance." She's looking at the floor I want her to look at me I know I won't be able to resist her if she does but I need to feel that rush I get when she looks at me.

First day of my life

I don't know where to start with the emotions I can feel rushing though me right now, there are too many of them. I know I feel caught out, she knows I ran away from a problem, I'm supposed to be stronger than that, I face up to things. I want to talk to her about everything and I don't know where to start, I have always been socially awkward. That disappeared with her, everything was easy, it was as though I was a new person. I had been given this opportunity to start again with a new view of the world and I panicked and ran away. I'm worried that I will do that, I can't hurt her again but I hate not being in control and I never am when she's around. At least she understands that I've been broken recently, I can't believe I made her feel anything like I have been feeling, I do not allow myself to feel guilt often but I'm overwhelmed by it. Then, then there's the overwhelming emotion that is overcoming all else – a combination of happiness, relief, shock and affection. She still wants to be with me, I really think she does, I know I do. Maybe we do have a shot.

I look up at her, my thoughts now in a better order and I can see those eyes, the ones I have spent so much time preoccupied with, the ones that looked so destroyed when I first saw them and I got to watch them come to life and now they're not either of those things. They're hopeful. I want to feel the hope I see in them and I can feel in my eyes. We have acted without talking before and it ended badly. My body is desperate to hold her, kiss her, and touch her, anything. My mind is holding me back trying to reason it out but I see her eyes looking through me and she has the same desires as I do. I wonder if maybe we have said all we can for now and that leaves me two choices: Leave now or act.

I will take care of you

When her eyes looked at mine, she studied them in that way she does, looking for answers, trying to read my mind. I know she will eventually succeed in her pursuit. I can see pain and confusion in her face but I know she's relieved. She is shifting awkwardly on her feet. I want to hold on to her and look after her. She is fiercely independent but I want her to know that she doesn't have to worry because I'm not going anywhere. She just needs to know she can let go with me now and I won't run the other way. I know the fears she has and I share them. We are both putting ourselves out there and it's frightening we have really hurt each other and the trust should be difficult to learn but all I want to do is look after her, I can't be away from her again. I trust her completely against all better judgement.

While I was lost in thought she stepped towards the door, think before acting, think before acting I step after her, not speaking not touching her. She continues slowly towards the door, she never did take off her coat. She gets to the door and turns to me; I'm close behind her. "I'm so… I just… thank you … for not telling me to go. Goodnight."

With that my new philosophy goes out the window. I keep my hands at my side and lean into her tentatively for a kiss, waiting for her to ultimately close the gap. When she does and I feel myself kissing her again after what feels like too long thought disappears and all I can do is look after her and try to assure her that everything is going to be alright. My hand goes to her left upper arm caressing it with assured gentleness. She steps towards me and her hand hovers next to my neck, I can feel the cold from outside on it I reach up and place it against my throat and leave my hand on hers as I feel her smile against me and feel like I'm flying because I did something right. I know her and she knows me and I understand her well enough to know how to do this right and hopefully whatever else I do; now I know how to take care of her.