He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
I sit in the window, with my short dark blonde hair blowing back in the breeze. He goes out everyday to defend the border, him along with many other boys old enough. I know big brother isn't really a boy anymore, but whenever I think of him as a man, I just remember him wearing the handsome pink pajama's I sewed him, he still wears them. I can never think of him like that. He's my big brother. That's how I always think of him, all the time. I worry. I worry very much. But there is no need, I know big brother will always come home. He promised he would. He never breaks his promises. He always told me that he would never promise me something that he couldn't keep. That means that when he promises something, he'll make sure he never goes back on it, ever.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
I look back out the window.
The mountains are as pretty as ever today. Big brother and I have tea out in the garden a lot. Whenever he stays home in the late afternoon, we go out together into town. I love it when we go out together, every once in a while he'll buy me something too. Like a piece of chocolate, or one time, when one of the ladies doing laundry thought I was a boy, he bought me a pretty blue ribbon. I'm wearing it right now, it's fluttering in the wind. I have the window open whenever I'm waiting for big brother to come home. That way I can listen to the birds, they all sing and sometimes I sing along.
I remember once, a long time ago, when I was sick, big brother had to ask his closest friend to take care of me. Big brother wanted to stay with me, but his job at the border was the only thing that brought in money for us. His friend brought his violin and played it for me, and he sang some pretty songs to help me fall asleep. I remember the day I got well, big brother got to take a day off for the first time in so long. We had tea in the garden and he was so happy he even took me into town and we walked by the fountains.
He told me that the last time he was there he had thrown a coin in. I had asked him why. He said that he'd heard people around town say that if you threw a coin into the the fountain, any wish you made would come true. I asked him what he wished for, and he said that he'd wished for me to get better again. He was so embarrassed, too. He even blushed. He looked so handsome.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
The sun began to sink behind the snow tipped mountains, the flowers were still swaying in the breeze, now drenched in the orange light of another day ending. Big brother should have been home by now, but I know not to worry. If I worry, it only makes me look silly when he finally comes back and I can do nothing but cling onto him like I thought he'd be gone forever.
The sun is still dropping, the birds are starting to quiet down for a night of peaceful slumber. I look out over the garden filled with flowers basking in the final glows of sun, the vibrant green grass that looks as though a green blanket has been spread, billowing and soft, across our land. The pond before which stands a simple stone bench. The hill that big brother naps on when it's sunny while I bake us snacks to have with our tea.
I look up as the stars begin to come out, like a curtain of blue being pulled away to reveal the midnight black and the glittering gems that shine from places far, far away.
I looked back out at the single beaten, browned dirt path that cuts through the wild flowers and the blanket of soft green, and leads right up to our front door.
Big brother's white hat will pop up from the hill any moment now, he'll look a little tired because he's had a long day, that someone couldn't make it and that was why he had to stay for longer. I'll run out and greet him. He'll be fine, just fine.
This is what I tell myself as I clasp my hands in front of myself, above my heart, and look out with desperate eyes wide. Any moment now, he'll be coming over the bend of the hill any moment now.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
I can hear the gun shots again in my mind, from where I was before now. The city that used to be so pretty filled with chaos and death. Death was thick in the air, I could smell it, it sickened me, I started to cry. I fled from my home when others I once knew were killed, I fled amongst a hail of deadly fire threatening me. I once had a beautiful dress of pink and cream, with a white apron and a ribbon headdress. It was ripped and torn, my dress splattered with dirt and mud and horrible scarlet I did not want to remember. I was young, I was not yet ten years old. I do not recall much more then the loud sounds and how I screamed till my throat was raw and none came to help me. I got away and hid myself in an alleyway. I fell to my knees and I started to cry.
"Are you alright?"
I heard him.
It was big brother, standing over me. He looked so very worried, his big green eyes were wide and shocked and looked as though he cared about me so very deeply even if it had been the first we'd ever met. He saved me that day, and took me home. He gave me new clothes and food and took very good care of me.
I looked back out of the window with a sigh. How could I have been so foolish not to realize that when big brother took me in and gave me food, he was already having a hard time feeding himself?
The sun has set now, I realize, and I shake my head to clear such dark memories from my mind. I am safe now, and we have food. We have tea and we have cheese and we have bread. We had enough so that we might get a treat every now and then. Big brother worked very hard for that. I go into town while he's on the border and help the women there do laundry or bake bread to make extra money. Big brother doesn't know about this, but I wouldn't tell him if he asked. I don't want him to have to work so hard anymore. It was starting to get chilly, the breeze blowing though the window was no longer warm and inviting. I leaned out the window and looked back and forth, squinting in an attempt to see up the dirt path. Big brother still had not come over the bend.
I shook my head a bit harder when my eyes threatened to tear up. I would not have big brother coming home to me crying like a baby.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
It was a mantra in my head that played itself time and time again, every night that big brother didn't make it home on time. I know he tries to come home early as he can, and I know he would never purposely stay later just to worry me. Big brother knows how much I worry about him and always tries to come home as soon as he can.
I know!
I drop my fist lightly into my palm as an idea comes to me.
I'll start on dinner, time will fly by if I'm doing something and before I know it big brother will be walking through the door!
I decide this would be the best decision, and look out the window one last time before I shut it tightly to keep in the warmth. I hurry into the kitchen, the light tapping of my slippers hard heels against the wooden floors echoed through the small cozy building I had come to call home. I began getting out the things to make big brothers favorite cheese fondue. It's my favorite as well, so we'll both we happy with dinner tonight. As I work, I can't help but keep shooting glances over to the window. From my angle in the kitchen I cannot quite see out of it, but before I can worry, I try to distract myself, I begin to hum a mindless tune, and put those same four words to it.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
It becomes a comforting melody to me, and I begin to sing those four words out over and over again. Soon enough I find myself adding to it. It began to grow and change as my hands moved as if by themselves, slicing the bread and starting the stove fire.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Never shed a tear.
You know he hates to see you cry.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Grow up and stand tall.
Do not begin to fear.
That he will not be home soon.
He will not be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Darkness has completely fallen, not even the smallest rays of sun are visible now, and the food for dinner is nearly complete. I stride over to the window again and look out. Still I do not see the sight I so dearly wish too, the sight of my big brother. My voice echoes like an empty repeating track, I try to make it sound cheerful, but all my voice seems to want to do is grow darker. It's beginning to crack as I look at the clock. It's almost ten o'clock. Big brother should have been home by seven.
My stomach grumbles and I look at the tempting cheese fondue warming on the stove and the loaf of freshly sliced bread just waiting to be warmed in the oven. I shake my head. No, I will wait. I will wait until big brother gets home and then we will eat together. We will eat together and he will tell me a funny story about some mix up happening on the border and how Roderich was somehow involved even though he didn't work anywhere near the border. I would giggle and then burst into chipper laughter and he was shake his head and give a small chuckle. He would say how nice it was to have dinner ready when he got home. I would be happy he liked the food.
My voice became quicker, panicking, searching for something I may say that would calm me.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
He'd never leave you waiting.
He'd never make you fear.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
You may be a burden.
You may have caused him more pain.
But he'll be home soon.
I know he'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't believe the worst.
Don't let it cross your mind.
That he would never come home.
He will come home
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Why was my voice cracking? This song I was singing that came to my mind and continued to repeat became nothing but something that would increase my despair, that would cause it to grow. This despair eating me away every night as I wait later and later into the dark for big brother to return at long last.
I moved back into the kitchen, by now everything for dinner was prepared, and it was already starting to get cold. I placed the fondue back on the burner, just to keep it warm, and flitted over it anxiously, not wanting it to burn.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
I took the fondue back off of the burner, any longer and it would surely be ruined.
My pink dress swayed around me, and I felt the soft fabric against my legs as I went back over to the window and looked out.
Tears spilled down my cheeks as I saw the garden empty and the path deserted.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
This is later then he's ever been, I'm very hungry but I won't eat yet, I'll wait for big brother to come home. I open the window and lean out, breathing in the fresh air. Clean of any smoke, of any scent that would give me the reason to be wary of any danger. Why would there be? No one feels this despair. This sense of absolute uselessness. Big brother could die out there, fall wounded and what could I do but cry? I could produce all the tears in the world for him, I would laugh if he wanted, give him the most radiant smile I could muster. I would shower him with joy or with sorrow or with fear. With bubbling laughter or with shuddering sobs. I would go to the ends of the earth to retrieve anything he so desired if only I knew it would make him smile. I would race any opponent, challenge any foe, I would create, or enjoy, or suffer, or scream, or whisper. I would run as fast as I could to be by his side, or fall to my knees in hopelessness. But what good is such devotion to someone you love so dearly when you cannot bear to speak it? I love my big brother, he is my big brother. No matter if we actually come from the same parents or not, he is my big brother, and I would do anything at this exact moment to make the one event I wish for so dearly come true. Just to make my big brother walk through the door and come home to me one more time.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
I gripped at the edge of the countertop as all these thoughts echoed through my mind.
Big brother does not need such a useless little sister. Such a waste of the food that could have been used to feed him. A waste of the thought he puts toward me that he could be putting towards bettering his own life. A waste of the care he could have bestowed on someone so much more deserving to be able to call him big brother.
I do not want to leave big brother. I want to stay by him until the very end. If he were to ever be lost to me, I would be lost to the world the very next day. I would give myself just enough time to respect him before I joined him just as swiftly. I would follow him all the way, every step, no matter it be a ladder to heaven or a stairway to hell.
I hugged my arms tightly to my small frame, I was small, so small and weak and I could not help but get sick with one thing or another every winter, if not more. More for big brother to spend money on, more for big brother to waste his thoughts on, more for big brother to devote his care too. When he could be devoting it to much more valuable a cause then to care for a sickling, small, frail little girl he found on the streets. He could be doing so much more then giving his all to caring for a pathetic little girl he found half dead in an alleyway. Do so much more with his life then devote everything to the feeble little girl he'd taught to call him big brother.
I gasped when I heard boots pounding to the ground in the distances, wiping hastily with the heels of my palms at my eyes, my slippered feet carried me with all my speed to the window, I looked out.
See, little girl?
I told you not the worry.
See, foolish little girl?
He'll be home soon.
I was still hugging myself, this depressing, circling, broken voice spilling from my tongue. Yet it no longer sounded so broken.
Over the hill came the bouncing white hat I could barely make out within the darkness, there was a rifle strapped to his back, his green coat was flecked with mud, but there was no sign of what I feared. No sign of tears or that dangerous staining red.
His hands were tightly fisted and his emerald eyes were bordering on panicked. He looked so worried. As if his own sorrowful mantra had been singing in his mind this whole time.
I turned towards the door, my toes felt as though they barely skimmed the floor as I darted to the knob, twisting it and pushing outward.
"Big brother!" I cried out.
See, little girl?
Your so easy to be scared.
See, foolish little girl?
He's home.
He's home.
"Lilli!"
I heard his voice, and everything was alright. The crickets were chirping and a bullfrog croaked somewhere far off.
Big brother came tearing down the hill, his boots were caked in mud unlike his perfectly clean green coat. His white hat went flying off off his head of bright blonde hair. He had the same haircut as me. No, that is the wrong way to say it. He had it first, so I have the same haircut as him.
The short blonde hair flew back behind him as the hat dropped to the ground behind him.
I ran to him and he lifted me straight up off of the ground. Strong around encircled me, pulled me close, and my head was pulled into his chest, heaving from his sprint.
"Lilli...I'm so sorry...the recent rains..." He was gasping.
"Breathe. It's ok. I'm ok." I whispered up to him.
He caught his breath.
"The recent rains caused a mudslide. I had to help dig out the road, it took longer then expected. I'm so sorry."
He held me away and bent slightly, looking into my eyes, his cheeks were tinted red from speed at which he must have run to get home as soon as he could.
"You must have been so worried.
I smiled radiantly, and the very sight of this calmed him down.
"It's ok, big brother! I wasn't worried at all, I knew you would be home soon!"
Big brother let out a relieved sigh as he released me for but a moment to turn and retrieve his hat, which he placed back on his head.
He returned to my side.
"Have you eaten?"
"I was waiting for you."
My response was instantly.
Big brother shook his head at me.
"Why would you wait? If I am late, just eat without me!" He exclaimed sternly.
I started laughing.
Big brother looked confused, the finger he'd lifted to scold me drooping.
"Lilli?"
I threw my arms around his chest as my laughter trembled and quaked. I would never allow the sound I knew gave my big brother such joy to be transformed into wrenched sobs of a pathetic little girl.
Big brother sighed, I felt his breath into my hair as I hugged him tightly, the side of my head pressed against his chest.
The heartbeat was strong and steady. A repeated mantra, over and over without fail, every moment of everyday until the day he would leave this earth and I would follow close behind.
"I love you, big brother."
A short pause.
"I love you too, little sister..."
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.
Don't you worry, little girl.
Foolish little girl.
He'll be home soon.
He'll be home soon.