Residents of Evil

- Characters of Disaster -

Disclaimer: I don't belong to Resident Evil. I mean Resident Evil doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Capcom, who's obviously a bazillion times richer than me... Enjoy it anyway smiles.

Alexia was sprawled atop a purple, Indian silk couch with the book Barry Trotter and The Shameless Parody in her hands. She turned a page, scratched her bum once and reached out for her iced Coca-Cola which was placed on a wooden, fire-resistant table beside the Indian couch.

Just then, a tall, dark shadow fell upon Alexia.

"Go away, Alfred. I've had enough of your hide and seek games. I've found you once below my bed, in my closet, behind the television, in the sewers connecting to the kitchen, right next to me, right behind me... You don't know how to play the game do you?"

"STARSSS" came a reply.

Alexia turned to face the source of the spooky voice, thinking it's Jiorge Double-U Whoosh, she prepares to kick him in the ribs for entering her room when he was supposed to be at the parliament house doing whatever presidents do. She dropped her book when she realised that her Kindergarten classmate was there.

"Nemmy!" Alexia squealed and threw her book aside with great force before going over to Nemesis and giving the big fella' a hug. "Man, you've grown taller!" Alexia exclaimed.

The big guy nodded.

Alexia rolled her eyes. "Oh for goodness' sake, speak properly, dude. All you can say is 'STARS', 'STARS' and more 'STARS'... Oh yeah, and the occasional 'BRAWWWGHHHHHHH!!!!' too... But hey, we're off-screen now and not in that stupid game that they filmed about 3 days ago. We can take a break from all that acting. That Crapcom or whatever said we're not gonna' be appearing in anymore Resident Evil games from now on."

Nemesis frowned. "Yeah. We were both killed in the game. Stupid people at Capcom. Hey, Alfred's next door playing dress-up. Want to join him?"

Alexia rounded on him. "That prat's an idiot. What were they thinking? Alfred isn't even my brother! Just because he's blonde and has my eye colour, my features and everything, they put him in as my twin brother! Seriously, I would've made a better Jill Valentine."

Nemesis nodded in agreement. Suddenly!!! Leon Kennedy ran into the room with a fully loaded bowgun.

"Quick! Hide me!" he screamed at the two villain-actors.

Alexia raised an eyebrow and Nemesis looked confused.

"Ain't you supposed to be like, filming Resident Evil 4 or something? You're in the wrong room. Recital Studio's down that-a-way," Nemesis pointed out of the door from which Leon had come from.

"No, no, no!" Leon shook his head vigorously to show how serious he was, "Sharks. Are. Coming. To Get me!" he pounded at his chest, indicating himself.

Alexia slapped her forehead, "Idiot..." she said, not even bothering if Leon heard her or not, "Now I know how stupid this guy really is."

Nemesis grabbed Leon by the collar and shook him. Hard. "Yo, dude. Chill out! You're not in Shark Tale, you goon. You don't play Oscar the fish, you were fired from that job. You now play Leon Kennedy from Resident Evil. Get that into your puny little brain of yours." And he set Leon down none too gently.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Came a voice from next door.

Alexia and Nemesis rolled their eyes. "Alfred" they droned in unison.

Leon stopped fretting and suddenly fell sound asleep onto the carpeted floor.

2.09 seconds later, Claire Redfield and Alfred Ashford came tumbling into the room.

"My gawd, what is with these people? Aren't they smart enough to find the Crapcom studios?" Alexia fumed.

Claire picked herself up from the ground, took one look at the sound-asleep Leon and said to no one in particular, "Oh look who's been watching too much Jaws movies."

Alfred grabbed Claire by the ankles and made her trip.

"Arghhhhh! Alexia, make your brother stop trying to drag me over to his playpen and make me play dollhouse with him!!" Claire yelled in defiance.

"Meep! But I want to play with someone!" Alfred squeaked in his irritatingly-high-pitched-voice of his.

Approximately 1.78 seconds passed and there was a loud noise coming from the room's toilet.

BAM. BAM. "Damn this door won't open!!"

KABLAMM! Shards of wooden splinters flew in every direction. One of the bigger splinters hit Alexia in the stomach and she howled in pain. Blood splattered onto the floor. But she had no time to think of pain because look who just came from the toilet?

"Hey ya!! Who's trying to steal my girl and play dollhouse with her?" Steve Burnside inquired, brandishing his almost-out-of-ammo sub-machine guns.

Alfred screamed in horror. "Crap! It's the guy who killed me!" and he scrambled behind Nemesis, who looked kinda' pissed off at the girly Ashford as though he had some kind of disease.

Alexia was trying to pull the shard of wood out of her chest, only to have more of her blood spill onto the carpet.

Steve took 2 steps forward and immediately tripped over the sleeping Leon, who was sucking on his thumb just moments ago.

"What the he-" Steve toppled over the RPD cop and landed in a heap on the floor. Meanwhile, his sub-machine guns went out of control and shot Alexia in the leg.

"Watch it, you Alfred-killing insect!" Alexia screamed. That sentence was followed by a few more insults and vulgarities.

Steve picked himself up, oblivious to Alexia's rants. Leon was still asleep, miraculously. Claire went over to Alfred, who was still cowering behind Nemesis, and kicked him where it hurts.

Barry Burton walked in his head buried in a Healthy Diets magazine. He spotted something red and shiny on the floor. It was Alexia's blood. He squinted at it, put on his glasses, squinted some more and declared, "It's blood! I hope it's not --"

WHAMM!

Barry flew 10 feet into the air, and landed on the second floor of the building after crashing through the ceiling.

Nemesis dusted his hands together. "So much for the 'I hope it's not freakin-hell's blood' phrase."

Steve and Claire just stared at him. Alexia's blood just then burst into flames.

"Ah!" Alexia bawled, "My blood's lagging!"

"Huh?"

"I mean, it won't disintegrate into flames upon impact anymore. Instead, it's taking a loooong time to do that!"

"Freeze, human!" Chris Redfield yelled and pretended to kick down an imaginary door as he stepped through the door-less doorframe of the room where all the Resident Evil characters were. He stopped his action movie style and took some time to view what he was seeing. His eyes traveled first to the biggest thing there, which was Nemesis. Then it went to Alfred, who was rolling on the ground in pain, clutching his... Chris winced. Then it went to Steve and Claire and the hole in the ceiling. And finally to Alexia, who was shooting Chris a death glare.

Chris took out his wallet, which he pretended was a walkie-talkie and spoke into it, "Squad B, what's the situation over there? Over."

Claire slapped her forehead. "Oh for heaven's sake, Chris. Stop pretending that you're part of the SWAT team. Seriously, you should let Leon watch those SWAT movies instead of JAWS 2."

Chris looked over at Claire. "Oh, yeah, I forgot something. My eyes haven't traveled over to Leon yet!"

So Chris' eyes traveled from Alexia to Leon, who was on the floor sleeping and hugging himself.

"Leon's been watching Jaws again!" Chris announced.

"Nice going, Sherlock. Like we don't already know," Claire said, unamused.

Chris grinned stupidly, "Where's Chambers and Valentine?"

Alexia hissed in protest when she heard Jill's last name. "Blonde bitch! She stole my role!"

All eyes were on Alexia when someone rode into the room on a motorbike.

"Yo, wassup dudes?! Becca's in da house!" came the rough voice of the amazingly feminine-on-TV Rebecca Chambers.

"Rebs! Good to see ya!" Nemesis exclaimed, "Put it there, man!" and he stuck out his palm.

Rebecca gave him a hard high-five, "Back atcha' my man!" and she spotted Alexia, "Hey, sista! What happened to ya?!"

Alexia gave a feeble smile and doubled over in pain, "The wooden door came after me," she replied.

Rebecca gave her a weird look and went over to Alexia, handing her a mixed green herb, "That'll do ya some good, sista," Rebecca said.

Strange as it may be, Alexia's only sibling is Rebecca, not Alfred. Alfred was only Alexia's twin in the game Resident Evil. In actual fact, Rebecca's Alexia's sister by blood. They don't look alike, but they are. As much as Alexia loved her sister, she didn't like Becca's attitude. Alexia was feminine, Rebecca was the total opposite, loud, coarse and full of action.

"Enough of all that sibling stuff!" Chris cursed the narrator, "It's like, soooooo time to party!!"

"You go, girl!" Becca yelled at Chris, "Let's all get outta this stinkin' room, it's gettin' way too small. Let's all go to da beach!!!"

"Yeaaaaahhh!!!" everyone in the room yelled.

"Nooooooooo! Mama, noooooo!" Leon thrashed around on the ground in his sleep.

"Forget the baby, let's go!" Steve shouted.

"Chargeeeeeeeeeee!"

Everyone, Chris, Claire, Rebecca (on her bike), Steve, Nemesis, Alexia and even Alfred changed out of the door.

20 minutes passed...

"Where'd everybody go?" came a voice from the hole in the ceiling.

"Mama...?" Leon sat up with a start.

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To be continued......?

A/N: You loved it didn't you? You didn't?! Well then, if you didn't, you can go crawl back under that puny rock where you came from! Reviews people! I need them! I don't bite! ... much... Anyway, chapter 2 happens at the beach... Rebecca's as loud as ever! Chris thinks he's James Bond now! And the only sensible ones there would be Claire and Nemesis! How would these bunch of RE star wannabes survive?