(AUTHOR'S NOTES: The following are assorted short stories that were written on Daria message board PPMB, in response to "Iron Chef" challenges: someone gives a situation or idea, and you run with it. Some of these stories may be more... sensible than others!)

WHAT IF… JANE WAS JUST DARIA'S IMAGINARY FRIEND?

"I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people."

"I'm talking about you making a friend or two."

Her parents weren't even trying to be subtle anymore. A day or two, and they'd be trying to bribe Quinn to play with her. Again.

And now, she was stuck in this damn boring esteem class with this idiot and who the heck could she complain to about it? Anyone? No? Anyone worth talking to?

Who would be worth talking to? Obviously another lazy, sarky girl. But... okay, maybe one that'd be a bit more active than she was. Willing to drag her along to new things, so they could have fun mocking them (nobody ever invited her to anything). Maybe another wri- no, that could cause arguments and rivalry. Artist, maybe. Daria was no good at art.

And this girl would say something cool like:

"He doesn't know what it means. He's got the speech memorized. Just enjoy the nice man's soothing voice."

Yeah.

On the walk home (because her parents were always going to be too busy to pick her up), she'd decided this girl should be called Jane. Nice, normal name. (She'd wanted one at times, at least one that couldn't be turned into a term for bowel movements)

Jane could tell her about the upcoming lessons (okay, O'Neill had told them at the end of class): "So, then, after the role-playing, next class they put the girls and the guys in separate rooms and a female counsellor talks to us about body image."

"What do they talk to the boys about?"

"A classroom full of guys and a male teacher?"

"Nocturnal emissions."

Wow. I was right when I was ten and claimed talking to myself was the only way to get intelligent conversation.

She decided, later that day, she wanted out of esteem class and she'd learnt enough to con the teacher. This, of course, wouldn't be hard even if she'd learnt nothing.

What would Jane want to do?

"UFO conventions?"

"Now you're talking."

She'd had fun at the convention. Her parents seemed confused she kept muttering to herself - so she did it more. That's what Jane would've wanted.

Her parents started to get worried that she hadn't met anyone, but Jane was always around to talk to. It was starting to confuse some of the other kids, so she kept to talking to Jane at lunch: nobody else sat near her, so she was out of earshot.

Brittany had actually invited her to a party. A party. She wouldn't have gone, but Jane told her to go - as, of course, she always would. That was what Jane was for.

And Jane would do that even though... well, it was a party. There'd be real people to talk to. Some might be alright. She wouldn't need to have an imaginary friend after that. And the idea of losing Jane made her sad: Jane wasn't real, fine, but she was the type of person Daria wished was real.

"I'll see you around," she said to nobody.

The party was a big mess of people and voice and life. And none of it talking to Daria, or paying her much attention.

She stood there, alone, bored, ignored, nothing she could think of to say to anyone.

"Look, Jane. Two types of chips."

"Flat or ridgy? You make the call."

"Thanks, Jane."

And then, shock of shocks, someone approached her.

"Chuck Ruttheimer, here. And you are...?"

"Daria," she said warily.

"I'll be your social director for the evening. Would your luscious self like a tour of the house? It's free."

Oh god, this guy was cheesy. "Do you accept tips?"

"Of course."

"Ditch the bangs."

"Feisty!"

That... that wasn't how people normally reacted. They didn't normally put a hand on her shoulder - she shrugged it off on reflex.

Jane, this is weird. Advice?

Hey, amiga, a real person and they're sticking around in the face of your famed charm. I say go with it. Not like Chucky can harm your social standing.

Thanks, Jane. You're a great friend. I... I might be some time.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'll have the tour."