So... It's been a while, and although I have a long fic outlined, I've been a little busy with job hunting and the like, so this oneshot is something to tide you over until I start writing "Rebels on the Run". And I'm so very sorry, because this is going to hurt. *hides*
The orphanage Emma Swan grows up in is a mixed one, but for some reason she remains an only girl among over twenty boys. They treat her as equal and include her in all their games, and she loves every second of it. Still, because they are all like brothers to her since she'd known them all her entire life, she doesn't develop a crush on any of them.
In fact, she doesn't develop a crush on anybody until fourth grade when they read Peter Pan in school and she can't stop thinking about him. The first thing she ever steals is the book with the most beautiful illustrations of Peter and she carries it hidden in her bag everywhere she goes, and falls asleep with it under her pillow.
She sees a kindred spirit in Peter, and she dreams about him coming to take her to Neverland where they would never have to grow up, where they would never be alone again because they would have each other, where they would never love anybody else.
Years pass, Emma grows up, but she never forgets her first love, never stops seeing Peter when she closes her eyes every night; in her dreams, Neverland is a magical place where she's always going to love him, where she's never going to stop waiting for him.
And then, she meets Neal, and she convinces herself that she sees Peter in him, that they can find Neverland together; after he leaves her she keeps beating herself up for trusting him, for thinking that anybody in this world could be an incarnation of her Peter.
Years pass, she grows older and wiser, and yet, when she crosses paths with Captain Hook, she has to restrain herself from asking him if Peter is still in Neverland, if he's anything like the boy from her favorite book. They climb the beanstalk together and she gets the weirdest feeling that it's not Hook at her side at all; the higher they go, the farther away he seems to get from a stereotypical Disney villain.
Emma tells herself that she's being ridiculous, tells herself it doesn't make any sense and that her instincts have been wrong before, but she can't shake it, can't stop seeing Peter in his eyes.
It's not until Hook takes her to Neverland and leads her to Henry that she finds out that the impossible is true: Captain Hook, Killian Jones and Peter Pan are one and the same.
They find Henry, but it doesn't mean that she gets to wrap her arms around him and tell him that he's safe because Peter's shadow doesn't want to let him go unless it gets back the thing it wants most: Peter himself.
Killian looks at Emma and she smiles at him with tear-filled eyes because she knows what he's going to do even before he moves; he'd promised her that he's going to do everything in his power to help her get Henry back, and unlike Peter, he doesn't break his promises.
The shadow floats in the air above Killian's head gripping Henry's wrist with its left hand and Emma watches Killian reach up and offer it his right. It seems that everybody onboard Killian's ship is holding his or hers breath when the shadow touches Killian but its fingers just pass through his hand.
"I'm sorry, lass", Killian says, his shoulders slumping as if he'd just failed her in the worst way possible. "My shadow doesn't fit me anymore."
Emma looks between them and realizes that it's Killian's missing hand that's stopping them from reuniting, her heart breaking because there's so much pain and self-loathing in his voice and it hurts her more than it should, more than she can explain.
"If we had magic I could make it fit", Regina says and Killian shakes his head.
"The only magic in this place is fairy dust, and I can't get to that quickly enough", Killian says and Emma feels like she's falling, panic filling her at the thought that the shadow is going to take Henry away and make him one of the lost boys.
"There is a kind of magic we could use", Gold says and everybody looks at him expectantly; every single person on board the Jolly has the same priority, and that's Henry's well being.
"True love's kiss", Snow exclaims and Gold nods, giving Emma a smug smile.
Emma looks at Killian and she can see in his eyes the same question she's asking herself: could it be true? Is it possible that they are each other's true loves and that their kiss can save Henry?
"What are you talking about?" David asks but Snow ignores him, coming closer to Emma and laying her hand on her daughter's shoulder.
"Kiss him, Emma", she says, and it sounds a lot like: don't be afraid.
Emma can feel Killian's eyes watching her every move and suddenly she's frozen, dreading both outcomes; if she kisses him and nothing happens, she's going to lose her son, and if she gets back her son it would mean that she had left her true love chained up on that beanstalk and she's not so sure she can live with that.
Snow pushes her gently toward Killian and Emma goes, trying to still her shaking hands. When she reaches him she frames his face with her palms and she's suddenly calm, the blue in his eyes giving her hope, giving her absolution she doesn't feels she deserves, and courage she needs to stand up on her tiptoes and kiss him.
Killian's lips are surprisingly soft on hers, and his left arm closes around her waist almost reluctantly, but there's no doubt that they are true love because there are rainbow colors dancing behind Emma's closed lids and the surge of magic is so strong she has to hold onto him to stay on her feet.
"Mom", Henry exclaims and she pulls away, her eyes widening as the shadow slowly starts blending with Killian; Emma barely has time to let him go before Henry is released, dropping right into Emma's open arms.
Despite the fact that he's not a baby anymore, Emma keeps holding Henry, rocking him gently and telling him that everything's okay, feeling breathless with relief as she watches Killian and Peter become one again.
When it's done, Killian's casting a shadow again and Emma couldn't care less that his left hand is still missing because she's got what she had always wanted and more; her first love somehow turned out to be her true love and brought her back Henry.
Killian smiles that beautiful smile he'd first given her up on the beanstalk and when he comes closer to wrap her and Henry in his arms she thinks that this is everything she's ever going to need.
Neverland is finally in her grasp because Peter Pan is holding both her and Henry, and she knows that nothing is ever going to make him let them go.
Since they only ever had one bean, the only way to go back home is to go find fairy dust and fly the Jolly Roger back to Storybrooke. Luckily, Killian's got enough of it hidden in the jungle, and for the past hour or so he'd been trying to convince them to let him go get it.
"How do we know you're going to come back?" Regina asks and Killian rolls his eyes at her.
"I'm going to leave my ship in your tender care, your Highness, and I can't leave Neverland without it. None of us can", he says and Emma sides with to him, facing her parents, Regina and Gold.
"I trust him", she says, keenly aware of the way Killian is looking at her, of his warmth and the fact that she's not on her own anymore; somewhere along the way, they've become a team, and it's not just because of the kiss.
"I don't", Gold says and Emma puts her arm out to keep Killian where he is, stepping between the two of them the way she'd been doing this entire trip.
The stakes are higher now because she knows she's not just protecting somebody she feels connected to; she's protecting her true love.
"Then trust me", Emma says and turns toward Killian. "I'll go with you."
"Emma-", Charming says, but Emma tunes him out.
"It's not safe out there", Killian tells her softly, tentatively brushing a lock of hair away from her face. She realizes that he'd been reaching for her like this for a long time, but this is the first time she allows herself to lean into his touch.
"My point exactly."
"Lass…"
"We're losing daylight, and you know they won't let you go alone", Emma tells him and he finally agrees, giving Snow a reassuring smile over Emma's shoulder.
"I'll protect her with my life", he says, and Emma smirks at his theatricality.
"Can I come too?" Henry asks and everybody exclaims "no" at exactly the same time.
Apparently, that's the only thing they all agree on.
"Where exactly are we going?" Emma asks for the fifth time and Killian just smirks at her over his shoulder, tugging her forward by the hand. They've been walking through the stifling heat of the jungle for a while and she's thirsty and a bit tired, but his enthusiasm is infectious so she just keeps following him.
The greenery ends abruptly in front of a rocky cliff and Emma tilts her head back, trying to see if there's any way to reach the top.
"What now?" She asks Killian, acutely aware of how close he is to her, how perfectly her hand fits in his, how good he looks wearing the red vest instead of his usual black; it's like Hook is completely gone, replaced by Peter, which makes him all Killian.
"Now we get the dust", he tells her, his blue eyes crinkling at the corners when he grins at her stunned expression.
"Where?" Emma asks, reminding herself that she trusts him, that he wouldn't tease her with this because he knows how important it is for them to get it in time.
"Right here", Killian says and brushes his thumb over the back of her hand before he lets her go and turns to the cliff, running his fingers over its rough surface, a frown of concentration wrinkling his forehead.
"You've got a stash of fairy dust hidden inside a cliff?" Emma asks incredulously and he nods, still caressing the stone, his rings glittering in the setting sun.
"It's here somewhere- ah, here it is", he says and presses an indentation in the cliff, a fist-shaped opening appearing in front of Emma.
"You're not gonna stick your hand inside, are you?" Emma asks him, and he does just that.
Emma doesn't even blink, her eyes focused on his face, searching for any sign of discomfort; it's because she's watching him so carefully that she notices the way he grits his teeth, a muscle jumping in his jaw, and she moves even though she doesn't know what she's supposed to do, wrapping her fingers around his wrist and pulling with all her might.
His hand comes out in one piece and he opens his fist to show her a vial with fairy dust shimmering in his palm; Emma takes a deep breath because she feels the strangest urge to hit him for being so stupid.
"Why the hell did you risk your only hand like that?" She asks him, her voice growing unnaturally high by the end of the sentence.
"Because I bloody well wasn't going to let you do it", he answers and looks at her in a way that makes it impossible for her to be mad at him.
"Why not? Because we're supposed to be true love?" Emma asks defiantly and he shakes his head.
"We are true love, lass. But even if there wasn't for the kiss, I'd have still done it."
"Why?"
"Because I care for your wellbeing more than I do for my own."
"Why?" She asks again, and he steps closer, his lips grazing her ear when he speaks.
"Because you're brilliant; beautiful and tough, and because you believed in me when nobody else did", he tells her and pulls away to look at her, and it's suddenly hard for her to meet his blue gaze.
"Are you sure you don't feel that way just because you know we're true love?" She asks him the question she'd been struggling with herself and he studies her for a moment, then puts the fairy dust inside his vest and cups her face with his hand, waiting patiently until she smiles and closes her eyes, and then he kisses her.
This time there's no surge of magic, but the kiss is even better because they are alone, because she's not worried for Henry or what her parents will think; this kiss is just the two of them letting out everything that's been simmering just beneath the surface for so long.
"Tell me, love. Do I care for you?" He asks her when they come up for air, his forehead resting against hers, her arms wrapped around his neck even though she can't remember when exactly had she put them there.
"You do", she says, and when she tells him that she cares for him too, his smile is the most beautiful thing in the world.
The night falls abruptly and they aren't even half-way back to the ship.
Killian grows deadly serious, making her hold onto his coat because he needs his hand for the sword; luckily, the moon is high in the sky and they can at least see where they are going.
Every time she tries to talk to him he shushes her and quickens his pace, and after a while Emma just focuses on stumbling after him. It feels stupid to hold onto his coat like a child, so she lets it go carefully and releases a sigh of relief when he doesn't even notice because he's too busy scanning the trail ahead and the jungle on their sides.
Next time she looks up, after she barely managed to untangle her hair from a thorny bush that had caught it in passing without losing half of it, Killian is nowhere in sight.
Emma stops, then runs, then calls his name and stops again when she sees the cliff rising up from the jungle ahead of her; she had gotten turned around and she can't figure out how or when.
"Killian!" She yells, cursing Neverland and cursing her own stubbornness; this wouldn't have happened if she just held onto him the way he had told her to.
Emma turns her back on the cliff and takes out her own sword from its scabbard, keeping it down by her side and trying to be quick and careful at the same time, hoping that this is the trail that's going to lead her to the beach.
If they miss their one and only chance to go home because of her, she's never going to forgive herself.
"At least it's not completely dark", she mutters as she walks into a clearing and then stops dead in her tracks while her brain tries to make some sense of what she's seeing, what's standing between her and the place where the trail continues through the jungle; there's some kind of a cross between a bear and a wolf blocking her way, its yellow eyes glowing with malice.
Emma knows she should be scared, but she's not because even though Peter Pan always rescues his Wendy in the nick of time, and there's no doubt in her mind that Killian is on his way back to her, this Wendy doesn't need assistance.
"Come get it", she says and raises her sword, holding her ground when the beast charges at her.
"Just a little while longer, lass, and we're on the beach", Killian says softly but only silence answers him. "Emma, I'm sorry for-"
He turns around and then he just ceases, not breathing, not moving, just staring at the empty air where Emma is supposed to be but isn't.
A second after that he's running, branches hitting his face and tearing at his coat, his heart hammering in his chest because he had lost Emma along the way and he's not going to rest until he finds her again.
He can't believe that he hadn't felt her let go of his coat, and the guilt is like acid in his stomach because if he were whole, she would've been holding onto his hand and he would've felt her let go.
Time passes without him really noticing; he moves on autopilot until a horrible, slicing pain in his chest doubles him over, and for a second he thinks he's going to die before he finds Emma, before he makes sure she's okay.
The second that comes after that is worse because as pain gradually subsides, he realizes it's not him who's dying, it's her.
The cruelest side effect of having a true love is knowing exactly when you're about to lose it.
"Emma", he whispers her name and starts running even faster than before, ignoring the pain that's still lingering inside him, telling himself that she's strong, that she's going to hold on, that she's not going to leave him behind again.
Telling himself that even if he doesn't, she deserves a happy ending, she deserves better than dying alone in a jungle oceans away from home.
After what feels like hours Killian finally stumbles out into a clearing and sees the beast sprawled on its side with the very sword he'd given Emma sticking out of its stomach; he almost misses his love even though she's lying right next to it, still and so very pale under the moonlight.
"Emma", he says, her name ringing in his ears as he closes the distance between them, kneeling next to her and caressing her face with his trembling hand; her eyes are closed, and he knows even before he leans down to press his ear against her silent chest that there's no hope for her to be alive; there's just too much blood staining her shirt. "Love, please."
Emma doesn't move and he doesn't know what to do other than kiss her; he brushes her cold lips with his, trying to breathe for her, trying to live for her.
But she's gone.
"Forgive me", he says, his voice breaking because she can't forgive him, she can't do anything anymore except lay where she fell, beautiful even in death.
Killian wraps her in his coat and gathers her in his arms, his fingers sifting through her golden hair ceaselessly, his eyes wandering over her face as he tries to commit every line to memory; she looks like she's just sleeping and something snaps inside him, something that has been cracked since Milah's death, something that was starting to heal because of Emma.
Something that's never going to lose the jagged edges it has now.
Milah was taken from him, but he lost Emma, and he's got nobody to blame for her death but himself.
Killian sits in the middle of that clearing for a long time, holding his love close and trying not to think about anything at all; it's only when a falling star catches his eye that he realizes what Emma would want him to do.
"Let's get you back to your family", he says and picks her up, her head falling against his shoulder when he starts walking toward the beach; a part of him knows that he's going to be cutting it close, but he never even entertains the thought of leaving Emma behind just for the sake of delivering the fairy dust on time.
If he manages, good, if not… well.
The prince is going to run him through with his sword either way.
A new day is dawning just as Killian emerges from the jungle, and they take Emma from him without even asking what had happened.
He's distantly aware of Rumplestiltskin and the Queen shaking their heads at Henry's pleads, of Snow's screams, of the way Charming kisses his daughter's forehead, but none of it is really touching him; he'd give anything to be able to go back in time and keep her safe, even if it meant having to give up his life, or worse, their future together.
There's just one thing he wants, and that's for Emma to be alive, but dead is dead and there's no deal he can make that would bring her back to life.
It occurs to him that he had survived losing Milah because he had also lost his hand, but with Emma, he had lost his heart too.
Charming stands up and turns toward Killian, his eyes burning with rage and pain and regret, his sword appearing in his hand so swiftly that Killian doubts he'd be quick enough to react even if he hadn't left his sword on the clearing with Emma's; Killian welcomes the blow but Charming's sword only digs into his chest deep enough to keep him in place, and not nearly deep enough to hurt him as much as the prince clearly wants to hurt him.
Not nearly as much as Killian wants Charming to hurt him.
"Give me one reason why I should let you live", Charming demands and Killian takes the vial with fairy dust from his vest, holding it out and not really registering who it is that takes it from his hand.
"Just get it over with", Killian says and closes his eyes, but instead of going in deeper, the sword is removed.
When he opens his eyes, Regina and Rumplestiltskin are getting into the boat that's going to take them to the ship, Snow already sitting on the bench, cradling Emma to her while Henry sits quietly next to them, holding his mother's hand and looking right at Killian with sad, sad eyes.
"What are you doing?" Killian asks faintly and the prince lays his hand on the pirate's shoulder, leading him toward the boat.
"We're going home."
"Emma is dead because of me and you're not only letting me live, you want me to go back with you?" Killian explodes and shakes Charming's hand off, wondering if everybody has simply gone crazy with grief.
"It's what she would've wanted", Henry says softly and jumps out of the boat, running to Killian and tugging on his hand. "You are true love."
Killian wants to yell, wants to tell them that he doesn't deserve their understanding, that Emma died scared and all alone because he broke his promise, because he didn't keep her safe, but Henry is holding his hand and he can't find his voice.
"I'm sorry", he finally says and gently pulls his hand out of Henry's. "I'm going to stay in Neverland."
"But why?" Henry asks, ignoring Charming who's telling him to forget Hook and go back into the boat because their time is running out.
Killian kneels in the sand in front of Emma's son, trying to find something to say, but Henry surprises him, collapsing forward and wrapping his arms around Killian's neck, begging him to come with them.
"I'm sorry, laddie. I just can't", Killian says and holds him for just a moment before he pulls away because even that is too much, even that is more comfort than he should get.
Henry walks away reluctantly, looking back over his shoulder all the way to the boat as if he's still hoping that Killian is going to change his mind; Charming scoops him into the boat and pushes it into the water, and Killian's eyes caress Emma's face until the boat reaches his ship and they get her on board.
He regrets not kissing her one last time, but he doesn't regret staying behind because forever in Neverland is just the kind of punishment fit for his crime.
The sun is painting the sky red and Killian stands on the beach, watching the Jolly rock on the waves until a cloud of fairy dust envelops her; she starts gaining speed slowly, and then all of a sudden she's flying, taking Killian's love and her family away.
He doesn't go back into the jungle until the sails of his ship aren't even a speck of white on the horizon.
Until he's all alone again.
Killian marks the passing of days and years on a tree that grows on the edge of the jungle, but he stays the same, just like the pain inside him does; there's a void in his chest where his heart used to be and it hadn't stopped hurting since the moment Emma took her last breath.
Since he took his shadow back, the lost boys have gone back to just being boys, chasing him around the island and trying to convince him to find them a mother when they aren't trying to guilt trip him into taking care of them the way he used to before he first left Neverland.
He tells them to get lost every time, knowing that they are going to come back in a few weeks when they forget his harsh words, and wishing Neverland was playing tricks with his memory too.
Every decade he allows himself a trip to the Mermaid Lagoon where he waits on the edge of the water until a siren appears, until she smiles and turns into Emma.
Until he can see his true love again.
"Hello, sailor", Emma says and holds out her hand until he steps into the water and takes it; her fingers are cold, but he doesn't care.
It's not Emma, but he doesn't care about that either.
"I missed you", he says and she brushes her knuckles over his cheek, her fingers tangling with his and bringing his arm around her before she kisses him, drawing him backward into deeper water.
It's not Emma, but she feels like Emma, smells and tastes and sounds like Emma, and every time he does this it's getting harder and harder rising his hook and driving it into siren's neck.
His only comfort is the fact that in a couple of decades he's going to run out of sirens, and the last one is going to succeed in doing what her sisters failed to; taking him with her to his watery grave.
Everything he ever did was in the name of love, and he can almost convince himself that dying because of it isn't a coward's way out.
Almost.
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