Disclaimer: No infringement is intended. I'm not getting paid.

Summary: Love is in the air! Or maybe just in the water supply. The inhabitants of Konoha suddenly find themselves overcome by the need to copulate. Chaos ensues. An attempt to subvert everything sacred in the Narutoverse.

Dedication: To my dearest Smurf-chan, with love and O.R.E.O.S.

Warnings: This chapter? Crack. Authoress Insertion, but only for the prologue and epilogue. This authoress prefers to operate from the shadows.

Pairings: As many as I can squeeze into this evil, depraved, malevolent work of crack.

Spoilers: Depends on where you are in canon. You've been warned.

A/N: This one troubles me, but what the hey? Fortune favors the bold, right? Bear with this note for me, kay? Okay, so I was supposed to write something extremely special for Smurf-chan long, long ago and it had to involve Chouji because she loves him and all, and well, I started writing this INSANE free-for-all brawl scene in which the situation is as messed up as my imagination would allow, but all the funny stuff that I thought about that spun off from the main body of the story seemed so ultimately awesome to try and write that I had to try and write the surrounding details as a part of the story too, which included a form of opening and ending for each character's scenario in the main body, which happened to be titled, Death by Barbeque.

The compiled works I have chosen to call, Tales of Love and Woe, and each story will appear within, coming together at the climax, which involves Chouji, Ino, and barbeque…and chips. Chips too.

PS! This is very important!! I began writing this like 2 years ago so it takes place between the mission to rescue Sasuke at Orochimaru's hide-out, and the next story arc (what was it, Kakuzu and Hidan?). Therefore, Orochimaru is not dead and Sasuke is still with him. I hate stipulations like that in fic writing, but it is necessary at this point because I already altered it to include Sai and I'm not changing it again.

Thank you. Please enjoy.

Tales of Love and Woe

Prologue: Shisui's Mission

Once upon a time in the afterlife, there was Dead, an evil authoress who took the pseudonym, Shi, and liked to hang out with dead characters, especially of the Uchiha variety, shamelessly manipulating them to serve her every evil wish. Also upon a time, there was another authoress named Smurf-chan, a member of the infamous authoring group known as the Serialhugger Collective, and who loved Oreos and one, Akimichi Chouji. Shi loved Smurf-chan very much, and decided that she would go to any length to acquire for her the thing which she desired, so Shi conceived of and evil, evil plan and set it into action...

"Okay, Shisui," Shi questioned, "What is your mission?"

Shisui's face fell. He wasn't really all that excited about his mission. "I'm to appear to Uchiha Sasuke at o-bon and--"

"NO! Stupid! I told you! Bon is too early!"

"But o-bon is the festival where the spirits of the dead roam the earth and--"

"No! You will appear to him as the Ghost of Christmas Revenge! I've got a frigging timetable here!!"

"Christmas—what the fuck."

"You will comply or be tortured until your fragile little mind is destroyed."

Shisui pouted. He was very stuck on the idea that only Japanese holidays should be included in a story which is rooted in Japanese tradition, but the authoress, who happened to be about the furthest thing from Japanese as one could get, didn't appear to care.

After a long stand-offish moment of pouting, the evil authoress finally decided to compromise and move on. "Fine. You can pretend it's Bon if you want to that much."

Shisui grit his teeth. "Fine. Whatever. I'm to appear to Uchiha Sasuke and get him to return to Konoha for the love of Uzumaki Naruto."

"YES! But don't say that to him. He'd never agree to it."

"Right."

"So! How will you be getting dear Sasuke-kun to return to Konoha?"

"I'm supposed to tell him that I want to help him with his revenge."

"And why would you want to do a thing like that, Shisui-kun?"

"Because you said I have to."

"NO! TOTAL MORON! Think Sasuke! Why would you want to do such a thing for him!!!"

Shisui sighed. "Because I was murdered by Itachi."

"AND?!"

"And I can never rest until my spirit receives vengeance."

"Yes. Very good. Continue."

"I will see to it he returns to Konoha, and I will poison Uzumaki Naruto with Lusty Badness--"

"Mm! Yes!"

"And then the stage will be set."

"Yes. It will. Mwaha…mwahahaha…mwahahahahahahahaha!"

"You're insane. You know that, right?"

"Shut up! Tell me about phase two!!"

Shisui sighed. "Phase two will involve the death of Akimichi Chouji, because--"

"Because why!"

"Stop cutting me off!"

"You mind your mouth when talking to me, vermin!"

Shisui didn't want to waste time arguing. "Because…" It was best to just do what she said. "Smurf has requested him."

"Yes. And what will happen to Shisui should I fail to provide the dead soul of Akimichi Chouji as per her request?"

"I'll be tortured and tortured until the end of eternity and beyond."

"Ha! No. You will be anally raped with the splintered, poisoned penises of Sasori's 100 puppets until I am satisfied."

"WHAT?!?"

"You heard me. Now! Let's check your equipment! One Plot-Hole-Device?"

What the fuck. "Check."

"One vile of Lusty Badness?"

What a bitch. "Check."

"One bag of Barbeque Chips?"

Shisui fucking hated her, but he had no choice but to oblige. Whatever Shi wanted, she was sure to somehow get. "Check."

"Well, okay! You're all set! I'm putting my faith in you, Shisui-kun. Don't let me down. Get Sasuke-kun back to Konoha, A.S.A.P.! Got it!?"

"Yes."

"Good! Get the fuck out of here and don't come back without Chouji-kun! I must have his soul, you hear?! I will deliver his dead soul to Smurf-chan or you will pay! YOU HEAR? YOU! WILL! PAAAAAAY!!"

"Whatever." Shisui brought out the plot-hole-device and pushed the big red button it and was magically whisked away into the Narutoverse to set about his mission, and as he disappeared into the vortex, malicious, maniacal laughter ensued.

"MWAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA…!"

(Continued…)

Next time: The Ghost of Christmas Revenge