"Share my mind," he whispered, staring into her eyes. They were standing close, his arms wrapped around her waist. They'd been kissing, as usual. That always seemed to be the beginning and end.
"What?" she asked. She was taken by surprise. Was he trying to make a move? For weeks, months now, she'd been hoping. He was a very unusual man, she knew, they had to go at his pace. Maybe she was hoping for too much. But they had already made it so far. He had her pushed against the wall and he was grasping at her.
"I ... I want to look into your mind," he articulated, "I want you to see what is inside mine."
He had psychic abilities, she remembered. All Vulcans did. At first, she had found it unnerving, the way he always seemed to be able to read just a little more than her facial expressions told. Now, she knew it was part of why she liked him. There was no hiding from Spock. He saw her the way she was.
She didn't really know what she had agreed to, but she knew she couldn't refuse. It was the first time Spock had ever really asked something of her. He wouldn't ask unless it was really important to him. Something he really wanted.
"How does it work?" she asked nervously.
"Lie down," he motioned her, "And I will lay my hands on you, and we will share thoughts for awhile."
She complied, and he crouched on top of her, and he stared into her eyes. Those eyes, the ones she saw a touch of humanity in, sometimes. Gingerly, he put his hands onto her forehead. She slammed her eyes shut, and she felt her mind open, like a door opening into the void.
She felt a sickening fear. He was afraid. He had always been afraid. He would always be afraid. He was frightened that Vulcans, even his own family would always look down on him. He knew that humans made fun of him, but felt powerless to stop it. But now, more than anything, he was terrified he was making a mistake. He never should have looked at her. He never should have talked to her. He was getting in deeper and deeper, and he knew it. But he couldn't bring himself to pull away.
When had he first seen her? In his class, but the she had started to come to his office. Innocent errands at first -- she didn't understand a question on the test, she needed help with some Vulcan words for an assignment. But then she started asking other questions. What were his hobbies? Did he have any siblings? What was it like growing up on Vulcan? He'd answered all her questions. She was a bright, hardworking girl, it was a pleasure to help her and only logical to spend extra time with such a talented student.
He always looked for her in class. He liked watching her. Her eyes always lit up when he was telling them something extra important, or especially interesting. Then, one day, she wasn't there.
Inexcusable rage had welled up inside him. What could a cadet possibly have to do that was more important than attending his class?
"Where is she?" he had demanded to the class without thinking.
"Who, Professor?" a student in the front row had asked.
"Nyota Uhura!" he spat.
"I don't know, sir," the student in the front row replied, clearly surprised that he was worried about one student in a thousand. He started teaching, albeit stormily. In the distance, he saw someone he recognized: Uhura's roommate. She had a strange look on her face. He wondered if he had given himself away.
Later, Uhura had come into his office.
"I'm sorry I wasn't in class," she said gently, "I had to help Professor Morgan with some translations for a mission." She was standing very close. He was overcome by instinct.
Spock hated instinct. It had started in grade school, when they were learning martial arts. They would teach them exact move by exact move. His partner was to hit him, and he was to block it in a certain way, but when he had struck, Spock had automatically done something completely different and very effective.
"Where did you learn that?" the teacher had asked, surprised.
"Human creativity!" he had replied, but he was lying. He hadn't made it up, it had been locked inside his brain, and waiting until the right moment since birth. He had been born knowing how to defend himself.
Apparently, this was another moment he'd been born for. As soon as she stepped close, he felt his arms clamp around her and pull her towards him. Then, his head swung forward and he kissed her. Somewhere, an uncharted portion of his brain told his hands where to stroke her, her back her waist, her hair. Finally, he pulled away and realized he had done something terrible.
"I apologize," he whispered, ashamed.
"There is nothing to be sorry about," she said in the same gentle tone, kissing him again. He didn't pull away. He couldn't bring himself to disappoint her.
"On Saturday," he said finally, "I am taking a shuttlecraft to run an errand on Star Base 4. It could be useful to have a translator along."
"Of course, I can go along," she replied with a smile, and left.
For the rest of the night, Spock replayed the encounter in his head. What had gotten into him? What could he have possibly been thinking? And in the back of his mind, the thought that bothered him the most – he was glad that Uhura had come to see him after missing class. Otherwise, his day would have been ruined.
*****
"So what are we doing?" Uhura had asked as soon as they got onto the shufflecraft.
"Nothing non-routine," Spock said quickly, "Just delivering some parts."
"Why are you delivering parts and not some ensign?" she asked.
"Because everyone else is busy with family or social events over the weekend," he replied with more bitterness than he intended, "But I am always available."
"I'm sure if you asked for some free time, they would give it to you," she replied tenderly.
"So I can do what?" he asked, shrugging.
"Well, I am also free all day," she joked, smiling, "So, if you need the services of a translator ..."
"You never know what might happen in deep space."
They spent the rest of the trip alternately kissing and talking. Spock found himself becoming increasingly comfortable with both. As she straddled him in his chair, and leaned forward, he felt as light as air. But the Vulcan half was desperately trying to suppress the images that were forming in his mind. Why did she have to have worn her Comm. Officer's dress? It was a wise thing to do, if someone at the Star base suspected they were involved, they wouldn't know she was a cadet. Uhura lacked nothing in brains. But he wished she'd worn her normal uniform.
Spock hated those dresses. He'd objected when they'd come about. Have a well-known fashion designer create a new uniform in order to increase female enrolment? That was the most illogical idea he had ever heard. Of course, he had been overruled. Out went the image of the stodgy, hardworking Starfleet woman and in came the image of the hot, exotic Starfleet woman. Applications poured in, leaving Spock to deal with the dresses.
He'd mentioned it to Captain Pike once, stating that he found the new uniform a bit 'distracting'.
"In a good way," the captain had said, laughing. But Spock didn't think it was good at all. He was reminded of when he was thirteen, and noticed that his classmates' bottoms sometimes hung out of their grey jumpers. He was the only boy that noticed. The only time he had heard the others even mention girls was when one boy bragged that his parents had arranged for him to marry the girl with the best mathematical mind in the class. Spock felt so ashamed. He volunteered to help clean up after classes, so he wouldn't have to watch the girls walk by any more.
Now, it was that day in class every day of his life. He tried to avoid thinking about it as much as possible. Sometimes, when he was with a group of men, one of them would point out a girl who was especially good looking, and he would ignore her. Then, they would tease him, joking that, of course, a Vulcan wouldn't notice. But he noticed. It was something that he had never told anyone before. He noticed.
But it turned out that the tales of human debauchery he had heard on Vulcan were overstated. Spock wasn't exactly sure what he expected, for Uhura to suddenly start ripping off her clothes or something. But it never happened. They docked, and she thanked him for the nice day and that was that.
Or not quite that. They started eating together three or four evenings a week. Always in his quarters , he wasn't supposed to be dating a student, so they couldn't risk being seen anywhere else.
This worried Spock. In continuing his efforts with his current relationship, he had taken to observing couples whenever he saw them. He had never realized that there were so many couples, holding hands as they walked to classes, sharing trays in the dining hall, cuddling on the steps as they wasted the time between lectures. He knew he could handle doing without these things, but he wondered about Uhura. Wouldn't she eventually leave him for someone she didn't have to sneak around with?
Pondering this, Spock had an idea of where he might take her without being seen. Last time he had been at the shipyard , he had seen some Jeeps that were being used to take samples from remote parts of the desert for an environmental study. He would have been reluctant to take one for personal use, but he had seen some Lieutenant take his kids for a ride, so he figured the rules weren't enforced that strictly. A night camping in the desert would be nice, so long as they got out early, before it was too hot.
Uhura thought it was a great idea, and looked so excited. Among other things, she had never ridden in a motor vehicle. Spock was glad the idea pleased her so much. She talked about it constantly their next few dinners.
The next Friday, Spock was finishing up some grading when Captain Pike walked in.
"Spock, I was wondering if you could calibrate the sensors on the Enterprise over the weekend."
"I am not available," Spock replied, without looking up.
"What do you mean you're not available?" the captain spat.
"There is a social engagement I have had for some time that I would prefer not to break."
"Well then, perhaps you could get around to it before or after your engagement," the Captain suggested.
"I am afraid I am not available," he repeated, turning to look at Captain Pike, "Perhaps you could ask Ensign Brady, he is eager to prove himself in his new position, or Lieutenant Bauer, who wants to make amends for his recent act of insubordination."
The captain looked uneasy,
"Actually, I was hoping you could do it."
Spock was suddenly enraged. He didn't naturally show facial expressions, but he tried to look as unimpressed as he could.
"You are asking me to do something you would be uncomfortable asking anyone else," he stated plainly.
"I would be more comfortable if you were the one to calibrate my sensors, just the first time, it's a new ship" Captain Pike replied, but Spock could tell he was lying, "Perhaps you are free another time."
"I can do it Thursday," Spock said, not inclined to give a close date. He secretly liked the thought of the captain having to do without sensors for a week to cover his lie.
"Of course," Captain Pike said, walking off.
Uhura was sympathetic when Spock told her what had happened.
"You did the right thing, standing up to him," she said.
Spock wanted to say more. He wanted to tell her how it wasn't just captain Pike, how everyone always treated him differently.
Uhura leaned over and put her arms around him. She didn't realize that this was a bad thing to do to someone driving, and the they veered off. Fortunately, there was nothing to hit but open desert.
"You know this isn't a shuttlecraft," Spock said disdainfully, "if you lean away from the controls it doesn't drive itself."
He didn't know how it happened, but suddenly they were both laughing hysterically. They seemed to go kilometers while laughing.
"I saw you smile," Uhura teased finally.
"You must never tell anyone," Spock replied, and she laughed more.
Night fell, and they ate dinner in the open expanse of the desert. They watched the stars and Spock told stories of the ones he'd visited, exaggerating within the limit of his Vulcan ethics to make himself seem more heroic and vital to his crew than he actually was.
When they went to sleep, Uhura pressed against him in her nightgown. He was wrapping his hands around her when it hit him, like a delirium how incredibly close they were. So close he could smell her perfume, feel her breath on his cheek, hear her heart beat. He kissed her like a maniac, his arms groping for any centimetre of flesh he could touch. Pulling up her nightgown, he tried hard not to moan as his hands hit her breasts, her waist, the seams of her underpants. He could no longer ignore his unyielding arousal. He looked into her eyes, and they were nervous, but her breath was heavy. She shut them, and he kissed her ravenously as he pulled off her underwear, letting his hands run down her buttocks, across her pubic hair, up her hips.
She seemed calmer now. She put her arms around around his shoulders and ground against him. It was a fatal moment, a brilliant burst of ecstasy drained into a sea of disappointment. He lay there disgusted and ashamed. How stupid had he been to think that when the time came, he would know what he was doing? Why was he doing something so illogical in the first place, trying to satisfy her? No, he was never quite human, never quite Vulcan, always inadequate.
The pity in Uhura's eyes made it worse. Deep down, he had known that at some point, he would have to tell her that he had never had a lover, but now she knew. She smiled and fawned over him, trying to show him that it was okay. Spock thought of his father, who he knew could never perform, and he wondered how many times his mother had told him it was okay, and if he had ever believed her.
The next day, it was like nothing had happened. Uhura was all smiles, and she kissed him as he walked away.
But the next Thursday, she was livid.
"What do you mean you said you'd calibrate the Enterprise for Captain Pike? We always eat together on Thursdays."
Reluctantly, he said she could come help calibrate if she really wanted to.
Of course, she wasn't really of much help. Most of the time she sat at a console and talked, or pretended she was running the ship, but occasionally she would sneak up behind him and try to touch his ears.
"Can you stop that," he snapped, "It makes me self conscious, and I am trying to perform my duties."
"But they're so pointy," Uhura protested flirtatiously and pinched them again. Spock slammed his spanner down. Using his Vulcan strength, he pinned her arms above her head against the wall.
"If you do not learn to keep your hands to yourself," he mock threatened, staring into her adorably defiant face, "I will be forced to -- "
He stopped as he saw her face fall and heard footsteps behind him.
"Spock, can I talk to you for a minute."
It was Captain Pike. Spock turned around with a start. There was no way the Captain could have interpreted what he'd seen as anything proper. He walked out of the room, and Spock followed.
"I came to apologize," the captain said as soon as they were in the corridor, "I've realized that I've come to take your help for granted. I'm sorry that I've been giving you an unfair share of the work."
Spock was surprised.
"I am sure you only meant the best," he replied.
"Regardless," he continued, "I made unfair assumptions."
"Apology accepted," said Spock. After a minute, Captain Pike continued,
"I was going to offer to help, but I see you have brought your own."
"I know that my behaviour— " Spock stammered, but the captain cut him off.
"I am not going to get you in to trouble. I know you would never use your position to coerce a student, and if I know anyone who can treat students unbiasedly, it's you."
"That is a kind thing to say but—"
"I was wondering if we'll be making room for a new Communications officer onboard the Enterprise."
"I wouldn't want to show favouritism—"
"Could you shut up about that? You know she'll be assigned to one of the best ships in the fleet. Just say the word and I'll see that it's this one."
"I will ask her," Spock said finally.
"That's good, I'm glad you found her Spock. I mean, she's not my type, she's a little bit ..."
"Her body is immaculate," Spock protested without thinking. Captain Pike threw his head back and laughed.
"Good to know," he snorted, "but I was going to say that she's not the most interesting girl."
"It depends on what your interests are," said Spock.
All the way home, Spock thought about how he would raise the question. He thought of a movie he saw where a guy pressed a girl against the wall and demanded,
"Do you love me?" but it didn't seem the right way to go about it. She might take it the wrong way.
Once they were in his quarters, she wrapped her arms around him, and kissed him. This is as good time as any to ask, he thought.
"I was wondering if you wanted to ..."
"Wanted to what?"
"Share my mind," he said suddenly, the answer hitting him like a tidal wave.
"What?"
"I ... I want to look into your mind," he articulated, "I want you to see what is inside mine."
He knew it would be rough with a human, but he wanted her to see. He knew he was afraid. Finally, he got her down, and the link was formed.
She was also afraid. Afraid that he didn't feel the same way. Afraid that he didn't feel anything at all. But she also felt excited. He was beautiful, exotic, so much more mature than the other men she'd met. Some days, she could hardly wait to see him. And there was always that spark in his eye that said he was pleased to see her. Or at least she hoped it was a spark. She hoped she wasn't anthromorphizing.
What she saw in his mind soothed her. Beneath all the fear, he loved her, and was starting to be okay with that. On some level, he felt defeated. He was a man who had run out of excuses for his behaviour.
Captain Pike had brought up the fear that was lurking in his mind all along. He didn't want her to leave. He wasn't quite sure what he would do without her. Somehow, days had become weeks had become years and he had never quite realized how lonely he was until Uhura had walked into his office.
Her mind was sweet and pure, he knew that now. She wasn't like the other girls who barged into his office, thinking he was some zoo exhibit or wanting to be the girl that succeeded where others failed. No, she had wanted to be his friend. She, too had met people with ulterior motives.
He shifted to his conversation with Captain Pike. She was pleased by the apology, and thankfully amused by his remark about her body. But when he got to the end she was conflicted. Her head was unsure. Her heart said she'd follow him across the universe.
He pleaded with her silently, trying to hide his desperation. He was baring his soul, feeding desires he knew to be irrational. If he could do it, so could she.
Her will melted into fondness and flowed away. There was a moment there before it surged and poured. He felt for her mouth and kissed her hard. She responded, pulling him closer. In her mind, he could see her naive longing. She loved him, she wanted him to have her. She was ready.
Somewhere in a catacomb, Spock's desired burned. The more he tried to hide it, the brighter it became, a blaze that filled his mind.
He ran his hands along her dress and pulled the zipper open. When had he learned that, he wondered. How long had his subconscious been analyzing her outfits, looking for seams?
She was nervous now, and he tried to channel his desire into her. He would have tried to soothe her but there was no comfort in his desperation. He ran his hands across her, careful not to think too much, careful not to get caught up in what he was doing. Her undergarments went easily, was it instinct again? Of course, his own clothes went without incident.
The feel of her flesh was overwhelming, he felt like he was floating, dissolving, transforming. He spread her legs apart and her thighs felt like silk. That beautiful girl, ready for him, spread open, waiting.
The first thrust was a release from the world. He was silent, but inside he was screaming. Deeper and deeper, higher and higher. He pressed on, and he felt her pleasure well up inside her. He was elated, feeling each burst with each thrust of his own. It was a wicked desire, making her do things.
Each sound that she made was a puff in the cloud his ecstasy. He rode on. Panting and sweating, he went harder and harder until she spasmed and shook. He revelled in her screams. Reaching the pinnacle, he held on to her, shaking and trembling and grounded once more.
When he opened his eyes, he was surprised to see her smiling. The usual fawning smile, the one he couldn't resist.
"I'm glad you shared," she purred finally.
Playing it over in his mind, he wasn't sure if he was glad or not. But he thought he at least half was.