This, incidentally, is based off a true story. Heavily. Sofia will recognise it. Basically, I was inspired to write this because I came out to my best friend last week, ( My second person ever. The first being a fairly distant acquaintance who runs an LGBT advice blog) and while Hetalia fic is great, it is just a teeny tiny bit unrealistic. Coming out is quite frankly terrifying. Awesome, but... I'll quit rambling. Enough about me.
Kiku is finding it hard to breathe. He's sitting beside Herakles in the school canteen, as usual. He is eating a sandwich and Herakles is playing Neko Atsune: Kitty Collector on his phone under the table, and trying to look like he isn't in case a teacher confiscates it. As usual. Should I tell him? He opens his mouth. "Her-" He abruptly cuts himself off. No. Maybe he shouldn't tell him. Butterflies erupt in his stomach. He bites into his sandwich, trying to smother them down. His hands are shaking. He prays that his friend won't notice. Oh god. What if he does?
Kiku's known he's liked boys since he was a kid. His friends would innocently play with girls as kids, moving on to checking them out and dating them now that they were teens. He had always felt a sort of bland disinterest when faced with an attractive member of a girl band. There had always been an underlying interest in boys. Still, he had shoved it down, convincing himself it was simply a phase, that he'd like girls when he was older. It was odd, his family had always been very open to everyone. Looking back, he figured that it was because he was afraid of being different. He had always been something of an outcast, and he didn't want to distance himself from others more.
Still, he had come to terms with it. Lying in bed one night, staring at the ceiling. I like boys. It had felt so right, like this was exactly who he was. It had simply clicked. He had been happy to keep it a secret at first, but then more and more of his friends started getting girlfriends, talking about celebrities. "Have you seen the tits on Jennifer Lawrence? Pretty hot, right, Keeks?" "Uhhm. Yes. Very." It had started to take over. He could almost physically feel the weight of his secret pressing down on him.
Which brought him to here. He had always imagined it as being planned, talking to his family, then moving on to his friends. But here he is. He had simply sat down beside Herakles, and thought, I could tell him right now. And he wants to. He wants to confide in someone so badly. But at the same time, he's petrified. Herakles isn't a homophobe. He knows this for a fact. Actually, he's a passionate gay rights supporter. But he's worried it will make their friendship awkward. What if it just becomes this huge elephant in the room? What if it makes them drift apart? But at the same time, he only has seven minutes until break ends. He thinks about not telling Herakles. About going off to English, thinking about what would have happened if he had come clean. About lying in bed that night, regretting not telling him.
He sips his juice, willing his heart to stop pounding, his stomach to untwist from the knots it's tied itself into, his hands to stop shaking.
"H-Herakles?" His voice is shaky and uncertain. He clears his throat. Don't stutter. Please.
"Hmm?" His friend sounds half-asleep, as usual.
"I-I'm gay." His stomach flips again. Now he can't take it back. Now it's out there. He stares at Herakles. He so panicked he can't actually focus. He fixes his gaze on the window overlooking the soccer pitch. Please say something.
"Cool." Herakles half-smiles.
Did he hear right? "I'm serious."
Herakles loops an arm around his shoulders. "You didn't think I'd hate you, did you?" His half-smile has morphed into a full grin.
Kiku shuts his eyes for a second, breathing in, then out. He did it. The panic hasn't worn off, so he's not sure if he feels happy or not. "You have no idea how hard that was to say."
Herakles's grip on his shoulders tightens. "Well, you're very brave." Kiku smiles, taking another sip of juice. He's still worried about making their friendship awkward, but he supposes it'll be okay.
It's later, in English, when the adrenalin has worn off to be replaced with boredom as he answers comprehension questions on their class novel, that it finally sinks in. I came out. To Herakles. Herakles knows! And suddenly the butterflies in his stomach have been replaced by a delirious, bubbly happiness, taking over his senses, filling him from head to toe. He feels light. The weight of keeping his sexuality locked up has gone. Yes, he still has a long way to go. This is one person from a long list of classmates, friends, and family. Yes, some might tease him. Some may be outright hateful. He doesn't know. But he's not as scared to find out.
Okay, okay, the ending was a cliché. But that is really what it feels like, once the general terror has worn off. And I'm writing down what I feel is a pretty accurate representation of what I went through.
Review, please? This is the most personal thing I've written, and feedback would mean a lot to me.