A/N: Oh God, the conversations that happen around friends. I would not take this story seriously at all. Crackfic. Enjoy. Word Count (619)
"Oh, Thorin. Why couldn't the others accept what we had? Well, here, I hope you appreciate the gift I've brought." The pale orc pulled out the head of the Dwarven King, showing it to Thorin.
"Azog, please. You've made me the happiest dwarf in all of Middle Earth. There is one thing in my life I seem to be missing though." He approached the pale orc, taking his hand into his own. "Azog, would you do me the honor… I ask for your hand."
"Thorin, of course."
"Why thank you," Thorin said as he pulled out a sword, and literally took the pale orc's hand.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" The pale orc screamed out, clutching the stump left of his arm. "It's over!" Azog ran off in tears, leaving Thorin alone.
/
"Woohoo! I told you guys this was a good idea!" Gandalf said to the dwarfs as they threw flaming pinecones down below at the orcs from their perch in the trees.
"Thorin! Get over here, you heartbreaking bastard!" Azog cried out from atop his white warg.
When the tree fell, he got his wish. Thorin dramatically walked over in slow motion, as his majestic hair blew in the wind. "I'm here." Thorin said with a swish of his greying locks. "Tell me Azog. Was our breakup so painful, that you had to come after my comrades as well?"
The pale orc held up the claw that was attached to his stump of an arm and pointed at it. "You see this! This is what you did to me! You broke my heart, and took my hand. You don't know the meaning of pain."
"I'm sorry. But your hand was so lovely," he said as he pulled out the old memento, kissing it. "Might I have the other one as well?"
"Might I have your head?"
Thorin thought on the question. It was a rather unfair exchange, even if it meant they were together again. "No."
"You weren't supposed to answer," Azog said, bringing his claw back to strike at the oak-wielding dwarf.
"Leave him alone!" Someone yelled out from behind Thorin.
The dwarf turned around to see Bilbo running up with his glowing letter-opener. "Egads, Bilbo. Can't you see I'm having a moment? Now scurry off to your precious Grey Wizard."
The Halfling was easily thrown back by the pale orc. In fact, he flew so high, that even the giant butterflies managed to catch him. Thorin rolled his eyes. Azog knocked the dwarf out. Before he managed to take Thorin's head, another giant butterfly swooped in, picking up Thorin and knocking back the orc.
/
By daybreak, the giant butterflies had set everyone down. Thorin was still unconscious, as Bilbo rushed to his side. "Thorin, Thorin!" He tried shaking the dwarf, hoping that he would wake. With no response from the dwarf, he started pounding on his chest instead.
"Bilbo, stop beating up Thorin. He will wake." Gandalf said to the Hobbit. "And you're only going to cause him more pain when he wakes up, so stop."
When Bilbo stopped pounding on Thorin's chest, his eyes started to flitter open. The dwarf looked up at the first one in his sight. "Bilbo… Am I alive?" He thought about that for a moment and how stupid it sounded. "Either that or everyone's dead. I can be quite daft."
"Thorin, it's you!" The Halfling exclaimed, bringing the injured dwarf in for a hug.
"Hehe," The dwarf was in pain, but seeing how much the Halfling cared for him, he realized something. "Bilbo, I think I know why it never worked out between me and Azog. It seems like destiny had other plans. I love you."
A/N: Wut? What did I just write. Well, this is what happens when you get a bunch of college students together for a movie night. In all seriousness, I have read the book and seen the movie, wish me luck in completing the trilogy as well. I hope you had some laughs while reading this... I know I did. Reviews are appreciated.