Title: Tomato is a Fruit
Arthur/ Merlin Friendship/Humor
Rating K/K+
Words: Around 2,100
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin only the plot
Summary: Tomato is a Fruit... or the story where Merlin finds out that only fruit are allowed to be used as projectiles in the stocks or the story where Merlin learns to keep his mouth shut
"Won't the king get you in trouble for that?" Merlin asked Arthur
"Not if you cover for me again. Thanks for yesterday though. Heard you ended up in the stocks, bad luck."
"They were throwing potatoes! It's only supposed to be rotten fruit."
"I'm not sure there are any hard and fast rules…" Arthur says laughing. *
Okay we will see about that. Merlin thought as he made his way to the library.
Just days ago, he was thrown in the stocks, again, just because Artur decided to blame him for something that was not his fault. Really it wasn't! He was sure that it was that annoying boot-licker Cedric who tripped him. He didn't know how but he was sure it was him. Cedric had been causing problems for Merlin ever since that first day in the courtyard. Merlin had a suspicion Cedric was behind everything from the horse saddle not being fastened properly to that stunt in the stables, however Merlin had no way to prove it or tell Arthur without sounding madly jealous… Which he was not!
Merlin had just been told by Arthur that Cedric would also be his manservant, temporarily if Merlin had anything to do with it, for the time being as thanks for saving his life after the incident with the boar; which Merlin actually did the saving, mind you he couldn't tell anyone unless he decided he wanted to have his head detached. Well Cedric trying to show Merlin up brought Arthur his breakfast and got assigned to sharpen and polish Arthur's sword, while Merlin was left to take care of the chamber pot and make the bed.
"Well than you can…", Arthur got his boot and looked for something to tell Merlin to do, "empty the chamber pot and make the bed." He finished putting on both his boots.
"Thank you, Sire." Merlin says with false enthusiasm and a smile then proceeds to make his way to pick up the chamber pot, passing Cedric on his way. Merlin having the chamber pot in his hands is about to take it outside of Arthur's chambers to dispose of the contents when Cedric (aka Sigan but Merlin didn't know that yet) uses magic to pull a rope tripping Merlin causing him to spill the contents: urine, onto Arthur. Merlin looks to Arthur in a shocked expression while Arthur is frozen with disgust and rage the liquid drenching his hair, face, and blue shirt. To make matters worse A knight decided to march in unannounced telling Arthur that he is needed in the Vaults.**
Of course, Merlin eventually managed to figure out that Cedric was Sigan and after getting out of jail, dealt with him. But after he went home allowing Gaius to give him a checkup, to make sure that he was really him and wasn't hurt, Gaius discovered some light bruises on his frame and knots and strains in his arms and back, caused by his time in the stocks.
Merlin sighed as he walked through the doors of the library making his way to Geoffrey's desk.
"Hello?"
"Merlin? Hello, what brings you around?" Geoffrey says cheerfully and warily at the same time in a manner he's only seen before on Gaius.
Geoffrey got used to Merlin coming in for books for Gaius or research for some odd topic now and then but whenever Merlin came or went trouble seemed to follow the poor lad.
"I've come to ask if you have anything on the stocks?"
"I beg your pardon? The Stocks?"
"Yes, the stocks; got any books on the matter?"
"Could you elaborate? Do you mean the blue prints for the stocks? How they're made?"
"Yes… Uh no. No more like the uh rules? As in what's allowed and what isn't… Umm what type of projectiles can and can't be used… that sort."
Geoffrey frowned and tilted his head to the side in thought before leaving and going to one of the shelves, Merlin following behind him.
"Aha! Here it is I think this is what you are looking for?" Geoffrey said pulling out a relatively thin book and handing it to Merlin.
"Thank you! Mind if I take this with me I'll make sure to return it in a couple of days."
"Go ahead, in fact you can keep it if you like; not really much use for it. It's been years since any one has checked it out. Mostly its just checked out for the building instructions, but now most people know how they are made or just decide to make them from scratch instead of bothering with instructions."
"Uh thanks, but uh sure thanks. Good day." Merlin says (about to decline the offer before deciding that he might as well keep the book) nodding his head to the librarian respectfully and making his way out of the library.
"Argh!...no… no…"
"Merlin? Are you alright?"
"no… huh?" Merlin says looking up at Gaius, "Did you say something?"
"I asked if you were alright?" Gaius responded giving Merlin a curious look before turning to see the cover of the book, A Guide to Stocks and Pillory's: Combined Volume Construction and Purpose, "Why are you reading that?"
Merlin turned to Gaius and placed the open book on the table, "I'm trying to find out if people are allowed to throw potato's…"
"Potato's?"
"Yes. Thing is I can't seem to find where that would be?" Merlin says scrolling through the book before closing it.
"Have you tried checking the table of contents?"
"The table of what?"
"The table of…" Gaius trailed off and took the book from Merlin opening it to the first couple of pages. "Projectiles should be near the end…(Gaius flips to the end of the book to the second to last page being where the list is, the last page being a sketch of the pillory in the market square) here you go seems it's just these last pages. The list seems broad?"
Gaius return the book to Merlin who quickly dog ears the page, before flipping back two or three pages to read a paragraph that caught his interest, "The stocks and or pillories are used as a form of punishment through public humiliation… yada yada… spectators, citizens, and all classes can … Bla bla… throw rotten food particularly fruit, like peaches and apples… Due to several recent occurrences a person may only stay in the stocks for a certain amount of time usually eight to twelve hours but no more is recommended or the victim may suffer death due to exposure... Is that true Gaius? Have people actually died! From being in the stocks that's… that's not right."
"Well yes, some people have the misfortune of…"
"Misfortune! Gaius that could have been me!"
Gaius raises an eyebrow at his ward before shaking his head and reaching for the water pitcher pouring himself and Merlin a cup. "I doubt it. There really is no need to overreact usually those who die due to exposure are criminals or traitors who are left out for too long usually during the winter or…" Gaius trailed off then seeing Merlin's disapproving expression jokingly continued, "Miscreants such as yourself have nothing to fear. Besides all the times you were sent to the stocks you were there for a lot less than eight hours."
Merlin scowled further yes, he got to trouble time to time but miscreant wouldn't be what he would call himself. It really wasn't his fault that he always just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Merlin flipped back to the second to last page where the list lay and used his finger to read along. Once he reached the bottom of the list he closed the book and made his way out of the room telling Gaius he'd be late for dinner and he shouldn't wait up.
"What are you doing?"
"Arthur!"
"Merlin you were supposed to be at the training grounds two hours ago!"
"Oh, right well that's in the past now besides I was doing something important."
"Oh really? Do tell"
"According to this…"
"What is that?" Arthur says snatching the book from Merlin's grasp, "Stocks and Pillories… Merlin if you miss the stocks so much all you had to do was ask?"
"Ha! Hilarious, Sire."
"I'm glad you think so…"
"Arthur!"
"Did you just yell at me? Shall I remind you Merlin that I am…"
"A royal prat …"Merlin mumbles under his breath
"A Prince" Arthur says finishing his sentence forcefully and glaring at Merlin.
"You like it."
"I beg your pardon?"
"You like it when I yell at you or don't listen to you, admit it you like that I am one of the few people who isn't a total boot licker…"
"Merlin shut up!"
"Yes I can do that, of course I can that's not a problem…"
"Mm… fine just tell me what you're going on about!"
"Okay so you can't throw me in the stocks anymore…"
"Oh really?"
"Well um you can, but you won't…"
"And why not?"
"Can you just let me finish please."
Arthur narrowed his eyes and nodded handing the book back.
"Thank you, Sire. Anyways you can throw me in the stocks but before you do I have a complaint…(Arthur sighs and looks towards the ceiling in a pleading manner as if begging God to get this over with already) you see according to article V subsection III the only projectiles allowed are "rotten food particularly fruit, like peaches and apples" etc. etc…. key words being fruits and well sire potatoes, tomatoes, squash, vegetables should not be thrown…"
Arthur turns to look at his manservant before shaking his head and making his way towards his desk. "Merlin… Merlin Merlin Merlin, I had no idea absolutely none…"Arthur mocks sitting on his chair, "You certainly did your research…", Merlin smiles and nods happily, "However there are a couple of things you failed to acknowledge. First I am your prince. The future King of Camelot and her peoples correct…" Merlin nods and is about to open his mouth to question what Arthur's royal status has to do with anything, however Arthur quickly continues where he left off not allowing Merlin to get a word in. "…I have complete authority…besides the king…. To do as I wish. Despite what that precious little book of yours says I have complete control over what 'projectiles' the people are allowed to use and if I were a less than honorable man I'd probably have you stoned…" Merlin gulps causing Arthur to smirk… "I won't… but I could, you know why? because I can. Now let's move on to point number 2: "rotten food". Vegetables are a food and they can also rot. The system is not based on fruit no matter how much you'd like it to be so. And finally, your wrong about another thing. No surprise there, but really Merlin I expected much more from you…"
Merlin looks at him quizzically, "What do you mean?"
"Oh Merlin…Tell me what is the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?"
"Umm what? Why does that matt…"
"You do know the difference don't you?" Arthur says mockingly
"Yes."
"Enlighten me, Merlin what makes a fruit, a fruit?"
"Umm fruit is umm sweeter… it um… it is…it…"
"Yes? Go on."
"Well umm… you know… yeah you know so um there's no need to explain."
"I beg to differ Merlin. It seems you don't"
"I…"
"It's alright. You can admit it." Arthur says putting his arm around Merlin's shoulder.
"The difference in which I shall simplify for your mentally afflicted country bumpkin brain is seeds. Fruit have seeds, Vegetables do not. Therefore, the tomato which you claim to be a vegetable is actually at least scientifically according to both your guardian and Geoffrey a fruit, despite its appearance and taste"
"No. There's no way…"
"Merlin your extracurricular activities have been fairly amusing however I recommend that next time you try and make a grand discovery do, do it on your own time and not waste mine."
"But… but…"
Arthur shakes his head and smiles at Merlin's glum look before his gaze wandered around his chambers, "My chambers need cleaning, my laundry needs laundering, my armor needs polishing…"
"but…"
"Don't you worry I'll make a list while you're busy…"
"Busy?"
"Oh yes you took such an interest with the stocks I believe its time you get reacquainted but don't worry I'll have the list done by the time your out… hmm according to your book eight hours should do…"
"Arthur please I…"
"Alright two, but only because I am so generous and any longer would prevent you from finishing all the chores I have in mind for you…"
Merlin gulps and drops his head down allowing his back to slouch resigning himself to his fate.
A/N So umm yeah probably should be working on Dragons in Camelot but well I've had this story partially written for the longest time and it would not stop bothering me so i had to try and finish it and post it. Hope you guys liked it. It's absolutely ridiculous and well it was funny to me when I was writing it but I don't exactly have the best sense of humor so hopefully this was amusing to some of ya'll. Most of the dialogue is taken from the show like the part where Arthur tells Merlin to shut up and Merlin keeps on babbling.
The first * is from the episode with Sofia and the Sidhe "The Gates of Avalon"
The second ** is part from "the Curse of Cornelius Sigan" S2E1 its a deleted scene that didn't make the cut but I found it on YouTube and decided to write about it. I don't have the link for it or remember who posted it but if you search im sure you can find it.
Thanks for reading I hope it was somewhat enjoyable let me know what you guys think
Till next time- Agent C.