Burned Out
Severide paused as he strolled past Casey's quarters, he'd wanted to head straight to the locker room and then home, he didn't want another earful from Casey, not like the last time he'd tried to give him some advice. But he couldn't ignore the man, not as he was sitting at his desk, head propped on his left hand, pen in his right, staring down at the blank form in front of him.
He didn't bother knocking, he just opened the door and stepped inside. "It's shift change," he announced, checking his watch.
After a moment, Casey turned and looked up, somewhat bewildered to find Severide standing there next to him. He hadn't even heard him enter. "What?" Casey said tiredly, sitting up and rubbing his left hand over his unshaven face.
"It's 8am," Severide told him. "You know, we get to go home for a couple of days and do our own thing..."
"Oh, yeah, right," he wiped a hand over his eyes, as if ridding them of sleep, only he hadn't slept at all last night. He hadn't slept well for some time and he was looking haggard, with dark circles around his usually bright and alert eyes. "Yeah… I'll head home soon, got paperwork to catch up on…"
"You'll head home now, Casey," Severide maintained the firm note in his voice, just enough for Casey to know he meant it.
"Oh yeah? Lieutenant…" Casey started to retort but he was broken off by Severide's almost harsh look.
"This isn't something you can pull rank on, Matt," Severide continued, switching to first names. He was changing tactics again now, as he had been for the past few weeks, but nothing seemed to be working. "Look, the offer still stands… you can stay at my place until you get your head around…"
"My head around what?" Casey answered, clearly annoyed by Severide's very presence right now, let alone what he was saying.
"Around what's happened," Severide finished.
"And what has happened exactly?" Casey replied in a scathing tone of voice that made Severide frown.
"Matt…"
"Save it." Casey sighed, his shoulders slumping down. "I've had enough of this, I'm not having my life getting spoken about like celebrity gossip. I'm not crossing that line again…"
"What line?"
Casey was shaking his head. He looked tired, gaunt, defeated. As if he truly had had enough of everything. "I'm not getting involved with anyone here, but after Hallie… guess I was on the rebound or something… it should never have happened, it was the last thing I ever wanted, everyone knows too much… I crossed it even before Dawson… I crossed it before Andy… then I took a step back, I stayed uninvolved because being too involved, too friendly…"
Severide could see what was going on here. Dawson's treatment of Casey had opened up a whole bundle of issues about the past for the man and he didn't deserve any of this. He had never done any less than his best for her, given way to her wants and needs every time. He had always put himself last. He had loved her with everything he had and she did this to him. Now he was going to blame himself for her leaving, and the wounds he had fought so hard to heal were being opened up again.
"Matt, being involved as you call it, being friendly did not cause Andy's death…"
"No. Andy didn't listen to me. He didn't wait for my order. That's what happens… and now this… and I can't even transfer because the whole fucking city knows…"
"You want to transfer out of here?" Severide was shocked at what Casey was saying now. Perhaps it was just in the heat of the moment. He wasn't sure.
Casey shook his head which allayed Severide's fear for a second. "No, I don't want to transfer out. I want to quit. I've had enough, Kelly. I'm not cut out for this." Casey just stared at Severide as his eyes widened with shock and he raised his brows. He sat down on Casey's bunk so their eyes were at the same level.
"No." Severide shook his head. "You are a Captain," he said, each word accentuated, "You received the Medal of Valour. You have saved countless lives, helped so many others…"
Severide would have continued but Casey stopped him, speaking quietly now. "No one was ever supposed to know anything about me, I kept everything separate for so long
"People like you, they want to know about you…"
"So they can just talk about all those skeletons and scandals I guess, talk about all of my failures and mistakes… Kelly, just stop now, whatever you're gonna say or not say… it's not gonna help… believe me, I wish it would but… I've had enough of all this."
Severide let out a long slow breath. "Matt, listen to me, ok? Take some time off, reboot, recharge then come back and…"
"That's the problem; I won't want to come back."
"I know you will, even if you think that now, this means everything to you, it always has," Severide reinforced his words with a nod of his head.
"It doesn't mean anything to me now, and it's not because Gabby left. I… I think I've changed, and I don't like it."
"You trust me, right? Trust me with your life?" Severide was pushing him now.
Casey didn't say anything for a moment, which spoke volumes. "I… I…"
"You don't, do you? Not anymore…"
"I'm… I'm sorry, I…"
"Well, in that respect, you have changed, Matt. You trusted Dawson, didn't you? And a few weeks ago I know you trusted me. She broke your trust, something that is very hard to gain from you, and very easily lost."
"Kelly, it's not you. It's not anyone. I don't trust myself. I've made too bad decisions and wrong turns. I can't afford to make another. I've had enough, can't do it any longer. I'm burned out...nothing left...running on empty, whatever you wanna call it... I'm not saying all this to be dramatic, far from it. I've been up all night and quitting is the only thing that I can think of to fix this…"
"If you quit all this that will be a bad decision," Severide answered carefully but he could tell by his expression that Casey wasn't convinced.
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"No, Matt, it will be, you will regret it for the rest of your life. When... after Shay died, you pulled me back from the brink of disaster. And I'm gonna do the same for you know. I will pull you back from this Matt."
Casey frowned slightly. "Gabby didn't die… it's not even about her…"
"It is about her, and it's about you, it's about the last few years, hell, you've been through so much crap recently and you've had no chance to deal…"
"She never loved me," Casey spoke quietly, as if he had just come to the realisation of the fact. "It wasn't real, she… she never loved me the way loved her. I think... she was in love with the idea of what I could give her... she was happy with the prestige of being Mrs Captain Casey." He laughed. "She loved the power it gave her over people... it made her feel important... and it makes me feel… makes me feel worthless. Everyone was right. Should have listened to my parents… they knew, they always knew…"
"I'm listening," Severide said when Casey fell silent.
He let out a shaky breath. "I let her manipulate me, looking back at it all now… it makes me feel physically sick." Suddenly Casey stood up from his chair. "Sorry… I shouldn't have said… I shouldn't have said any of that, don't why I did… I'm just tired," he forced a smile onto his face but Severide could see in his eyes that his heart was shattering. He cleared his throat. "I'm fine, I'm just a little tired… you're right, I need to head home, get some sleep… I'll see you next shift…"
Casey was out of the office and had disappeared along to the locker room so fast that Severide had barely had chance to register what he'd said, and he was just left sitting on Casey's bunk worrying about the state of mind Casey was in right now.
Severide was conflicted. What should he do for the best now? He felt like leaving Casey alone to sort his head out, maybe he would work things out for himself after a good night's sleep. If he could get one that is. But he couldn't sure that Casey wouldn't do something stupid and end up getting more hurt than ever if he couldn't resolve things in his own head. He stood by his car, parked opposite the firehouse, pulling out his phone. Maybe Casey would pick up and talk to him, then again, he probably wouldn't. He was stubborn and hurting, a potentially disastrous combination. Making a decision in his mind, Severide ended the call before waiting for it to be picked up at the other end, and he jumped into his car, pulling away into the traffic.
A half hour later, Severide found himself outside Casey's apartment, knocking on the door. No response. He knocked again. And again. Silence. He pulled out his own set of keys and unlocked the door. He was shocked at the state of the place. It was spotless. Not a stray item out of place, it looked like a show apartment, done up to impress potential buyers. Except for a very familiar and very strong smell.
"On the whiskey already?" he quizzed Casey, seeing him sitting on the couch. He walked over to Casey who just glared at him.
"Get out…"
"She's not worth all this grief. You were right. She played you, manipulated you for all she was worth. She manipulated a lot of people, not just you."
Casey got up slowly onto unsteady legs. "Get out, Kelly... You can't come over here and talk shit about my wife... this isn't about her. I said that, I already said that." Casey was starting to slur his words a little, after drinking almost a full bottle of alcohol in the time since he had arrived home. He lifted the bottle to his lip and took another slug of the burning liquid, making himself splutter.
"I know she's not coming back, not to 51, not to you, Matt."
"Get out…" Casey's voice was rasping with the effects of the whiskey.
"Matt, listen to me, everything you said back at the firehouse…"
"I'm tired, I was just tired, I'm struggling to sleep, that's all, I promise, I'm fine, I'm absolutely fine." Casey was less defensive now as the alcohol took effect on his brain and body. His eyes showed his emotion and his hurt, even though he insisted he was fine. Severide knew he was not, and he wouldn't be until he let this all out and began to heal.
"You don't have to be fine, you have every right to be anything but fine. I think… I think you need some time, you've had no chance to deal with anything that's happened in the last few years, and it's got a bit too much, hasn't it?"
Casey's head was shaking in denial. "No, I'm fine, really... on top of the world. I got nothing to deal with... except you because you won't leave my apartment. You need to leave... go... leave me alone..."
"What I'm telling you is true, Matt... you've burned out, anyone else would have done that a long time ago. You lost Louie..."
Casey kept on shaking his head, words coming thick and fast between swigs of alcohol from the bottle he was still clutching. "Didn't lose Louie, he found his real family and that's a good thing, that's a good thing… didn't want to get involved with that… but I had to… she wouldn't marry me because it wasn't the right time... but... but it was the right time for us to foster some kid she'd got attached to. You know I tried to help her, right? And… and she just shut me down...she shut me down. I lost our baby too... Did she just forget everything that I've been..." He shook his head in disbelief at his own selfish words but the whiskey was loosening his inhibitions and he couldn't stop himself from going on. 'And that whole situation with her parents? Think she just forgot about mine...about what had happened to me..." Casey broke off to take some more slugs of whiskey. "And that whole damn Bria thing... she could have asked me for help. I know what those kinda situations are like, believe me. My childhood was far from perfect… and then when my family's name was being thrown around like trash she yelled at me for wanting to quit... I never wanted that…"
Severide was struggling to keep up with Casey's disjointed thoughts as his ramblings became more muddled and distressed. "Never wanted what?"
"I never wanted to run for Alderman. Never wanted that. I never wanted to be left in the dark when she would just shut down on me… when she would ignore my opinion, my feelings… she cared more about herself than anyone else… it was always about what she wanted…" He paused for a few moments, his brain clouded by the alcohol's effects. "I mean, how couldn't she see that Louie being with his real family, who loved him, was the best thing… how couldn't she see me? She couldn't see me… I was just… I was just like an object… why did I do that? Why didn't I do anything? Why did I even get involved?" Tears had come to Casey's eyes, fuelled by the alcohol and the emotion of his memories.
"Oh… Matt…" Severide was almost speechless at everything Casey had revealed to him. He'd had no idea he felt this way, no idea quite how badly he was hurting.
Casey blinked heavily at him, tears trickling down his unshaven cheeks. He swallowed before he could speak. "What are you still doing here?"
Severide just reached out a hand towards Casey. "Here, let's just put that down. You don't need any more."
Casey's grip on the bottle tightened as he held it to his chest. "You..." he said, pausing for effect, "Have no idea what I need."
"Sit back down at least, huh? Before you fall down..."
"Leave me alone… why won't you all just leave me alone? Stop pretending to care… no one cares… no one cares… no one ever cares. You can pretend but you don't."
Severide didn't know what to say to Casey. In fact, he knew there was very little he could say or do to console him right now. Not in his current mental and physical state, but he was determined he wasn't going to leave him on his own. He was too much of a loose cannon for that right now.
Severide shook his head. "I'm not going anywhere, Matt."
"Leave." Casey snapped. "Get. Out."
The whiskey bottle fell from his grasp smashed into fragments on the wooden floor.
Casey's right arm took a swing at Severide but it hardly hit its mark. He had no strength left. He was physically and mentally depleted, mostly by the large amount of whiskey he had just consumed so quickly. It was bound to happen eventually. He'd been balling everything up inside of himself for far too long and the realisation that Dawson had never truly loved him had cracked his soul in half, it had been the last straw, the final piece to his undoing.
He continued, emotions stripped bare, tears streaming, hitting Severide's broad chest with ineffective fists. Severide just stood there in front of him as Casey let out his anger and heartbreak. But he was too exhausted and drained with life to even knock him slightly off balance. Eventually Severide grasped his forearms and he slumped forwards onto Severide, his legs giving way, taking them both down onto the floor.
Severide took a breath, looking down at Casey's blond hair as the man had crumpled into him. "It's gonna be all right, Matt, eventually. And I do care, I really do care."
With little memory of how he came to be lying full clothed under a heap of rumpled bed covers, Casey pulled himself up into a sitting position, but immediately regretted it. His stomach felt like it was going to rebel and he would be violently sick, and his swimming head was pounding furiously. He frowned as he saw the glass of water and some painkillers on the nightstand. How had they got there? No idea, but he reached out slowly and managed to take two out of the pot, swallowing them down with the water. He waited a few minutes until he felt like he could cope with standing up before he walked to the door and opened it. The smell of food cooking made his stomach turn and he frowned. This was getting weirder by the minute and he wondered if he was hallucinating, but he headed slowly for the kitchen to find out what was going on.
Severide was facing away from Casey but he had heard him come into the kitchen, making a noise and cursing as he stumbled over to the breakfast bar. He turned around to see him leaning against it, pale faced, greasy haired and unshaven, with dark circles ringing red-rimmed eyes. Even from where Severide stood he could smell alcohol.
"Want some juice?" Severide asked him quietly, knowing he would have one hell of a hangover right now.
"Not got any…" he croaked roughly.
"I went to the store, you've got food, fresh juice, some fruit… no alcohol though."
Casey pulled a face at the smell of the sizzling bacon and scrambled eggs in the pan. "Think I'm gonna throw up…"
"You did drink a whole bottle of whiskey this morning," Severide pointed out.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, clearly unable to remember the events that had taken place.
"Making breakfast," Severide stated simply, not wishing to elaborate as to why he was there doing so.
Casey glanced at the clock on the wall by the window. "It's 3pm."
"Well, you were drinking like it was happy hour at 9am so I think you can have breakfast at 3pm, Matt."
"Can make my own breakfast…" he grumbled.
"You had a six pack and half a pizza that had mould growing on it in the fridge. It doesn't look like you've eaten anything decent for a while. You need to eat better."
Casey sat himself on the bar stool, slumping forward over the counter, head in his hands. "Yeah…"
Severide was pleased he hadn't argued or protested so he dished up some of the food he'd been cooking and slid the plate over to Casey. "Eat. You'll feel better."
Casey looked down at the food. Despite his queasiness the food did look appetising, and he knew he should eat something. He wiped a hand over his brow. "Did I do something stupid?" he asked Severide, looking up from the plate.
Severide shook his head. "No." If Casey couldn't remember what had happened, he wasn't about to enlighten him.
"You're here?"
"You didn't do anything stupid, I promise, I'm just here to feed you… that sounded better in my head," Severide chuckled.
Casey smiled at him, picking at the food with his knife and fork.
"Go on, eat up. It's good..." Severide urged, pushing Casey as far as he dare.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Well, you had about the strength of a tiny dying ant this morning, so, really, you need to eat."
"What did I do?" Casey asked after a few moments.
"You were just upset, about everything, you didn't do anything. Please, eat."
"Ok." Casey started on the food.
After Casey had finished his breakfast, Severide cleared up and gave him another glass of fresh juice before he sat down next to him. It seemed less intimidating than standing over him and less intimate that sitting opposite him, and he knew Casey was likely to bolt or snap and yell again if things went wrong right now.
"Feel a little better?" Severide asked him.
"Yes, thanks," Casey responded carefully, still not quite sure what was going on.
"Good," Severide nodded. "Your place is tidier than I thought it would be," he commented, looking around.
"Yeah… I'm… I'm not really sleeping," Casey admitted.
"That's understandable."
"Yeah, guess so… I reorganised the shelves and things… Gabby took quite a bit of stuff with her, think she put it in storage... so it looked a bit bare so I… I just tried to sort it all out."
"It looks good," Severide told him.
"Yeah… I don't want to stay here though. I'm gonna move out. Really, I think I should have moved after… after Katya… so it's about time really…"
"Ok," Severide responded. "You're all right renting on your own?"
"Course I will be, rented my first place when I was…"
"I remember your first apartment… not a nice place…"
"No but I managed save and get out of there," Casey responded.
"You did."
"Maybe I'll buy a house again…"
"You guys keep your money separate?" Severide asked him.
"We had… have a joint account, but my paycheque went into my own and I still have own savings account… the joint account was for rent and stuff… she… I saw… she has emptied it but that's ok, that's fine…"
"So you're ok money-wise?"
"Yeah," Casey nodded.
"Ok, good, you'd tell me if you weren't, right?"
"Kelly, I get paid more than you now."
"I know, but I understand what Dawson was like now… I couldn't always see it and I'm sorry about that, because if I could have seen what was happening…"
"She played us all," Casey replied sadly.
"Yeah," Severide responded in agreement.
"But… she was trying to be good, trying to help everyone, she was only trying to be good…" Casey couldn't quite bring himself to see only the real truth yet, he was still trying to make excuses for her.
"She was only ever doing things for herself, Matt, you told me that, remember?"
Casey shrugged as if to say he didn't know.
"She… she used your selflessness for her advantage. She took advantage of you non-stop."
Casey was silent for a while, thinking everything about Severide was saying. "It's all a bit fucked up, isn't it?" He turned to Severide. "What would you do?"
"I wouldn't quit my job."
"I told you that?"
"Yeah," Severide answered.
"At the firehouse," he said with a nod. "I meant everything I said, it really isn't just about her and this. It's everything."
"I know, bud," Severide responded softly. "Maybe… maybe if you're having these thoughts, these rash thoughts, maybe you should talk to someone…"
"I'm talking to you?"
"Yeah, and that's good, Matt, this is really good but… I'm no expert…"
"I… don't trust anyone… but give me a little time, just give me some time to think straight… I know I'll trust you again… you never did anything… it's me, it's my head… I'm not in a great place but I'll turn things around… I will be all right, you don't need to be worried."
"I know you will be all right eventually," Severide replied, "But in the meantime, I'm here."
The End