Phineas could now honestly say he regretted one of his inventions.
It was a brilliant idea. Of course it was. All of his ideas were brilliant. The execution of this particular idea however, wasn't quite so brilliant in the end.
Phineas and his friends were used to coming close to death. It had become a regular occurrence. Some people might accuse them of being a little fearless. When Phineas considered the mess he'd gotten himself and his friends in this time, he'd guess those mysterious people might be a little too right for comfort.
The idea had come one bright morning when after the usual 'Whatcha doing?' from Isabella, Phineas had made some kind of mistake.
He had no idea what he'd actually said to upset Isabella, but before anyone could ask where Perry was, she stormed off in a huff. Phineas had turned to Ferb and asked, "What was all that about?"
Ferb shrugged his shoulders. He knew, but even if he explained Phineas probably wouldn't understand.
"I wish there were some way to understand what's going through Isabella's head sometimes. Girls are wired completely different, you know?" That sparked the idea. "Hey! What if we turned ourselves into girls? Then we'd totally understand what was going on! Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!"
Ferb tried to stop him. Later, he would wish he had tried a little bit harder.
Phineas quickly figured out the schematics, and before lunch, they had a fully functioning gender-swapper.
"Phineas," Ferb piped up. "Perhaps this is not the best idea."
"What are you talking about Ferb? This will be brilliant. Now, you man the controls and I'll go first."
Ferb sighed. Later, he would kick himself for not walking away and leaving Phineas to his own devices.
Phineas stood on the platform. "Okay Ferb, power it up."
Ferb flicked a switch here, pressed a button there, and with a zap, Phineas became Phinesia.
"What do you think Ferb?" A thoroughly transformed Phineas asked as he stepped down. His… her voice was higher than normal, she was a little shorter, and a little rounder in places.
"I think this was a mistake. Even if you are a girl now, do you have any better idea of what you said to make Isabella upset than you did before?"
Phineas thought about it for a moment. "Nooo… but maybe it's because I don't remember what I said to her. Maybe we should go over to her house and ask her, and I'll understand because I'm a girl!"
Ferb wanted to facepalm.
After a rather fruitless visit to Isabella's (because no matter what form Phineas took, he was as clueless as ever), they walked back into the backyard and found Baljeet and a now-female Buford."
Baljeet was freaking out.
"WHY IS HE A GIRL NOW? HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A BOY! A BOY WITH BOY PARTS, NOT GIRL PARTS!"
"Calm down Baljeet. I'll fix this in a jiffy." Phineas went over to the control panel, and was about to work his usual technological magic when the sliding glass door opened, and Linda Flynn-Fletcher walked into the backyard.
"Hey boys, since Candace is off camping with the Johnsons, I thought I'd come and see what all the fuss…"
It seemed to take her a good minute to figure out what her eyes were telling her.
"Phineas… Ferb… Why… why… girls… you're… you're girls… what?"
"Hi Mom. Yeah, it was just a little experiment. Don't worry about it, I'm about to turn Buford back and then I'll turn back myself."
It was at this point that the mysterious force that had since kept Phineas and Ferb's goings on secret from their mother chose to lift the machine into the sky.
"Huh. Well, it'll take a little longer than expected, but we can make another machine and have it all fixed before it's time for snacks."
"Phineas, I don't think I want to know how this happened, but you fix this. You fix this before I get back, or I don't know what I'm going to do to you." Linda seemed to be on the verge of a mental breakdown. "Now I know what Candace must go through." She muttered as she walked back into the house.
Phineas turned to Baljeet and Buford. "If you guys help it'll go along much quicker."
They readily agreed, and soon and exact duplicate of the machine stood proud and gleaming.
"Okay!" Phineas said, clapping his hands together. "You ready Buford?"
Buford, not saying a word (he… she had been surprisingly silent through the whole ordeal) walked up and stood on the platform. Phineas flicked the switches, and pressed the buttons, and there was a flash, and where there was once a female Buford stood… a still female Buford.
"Hm. That shouldn't have happened." Phineas messed with the switches, pulled on some wires, started the whole process over again, and still, the flash had no effect on Buford.
"What could possibly be going wrong?" Phineas was getting frantic now.
A stony faced Ferb handed Phineas a sheet of paper with an elaborate equation spelled out.
"But… according to this… Ferb, are you sure your math is right?" Ferb gave Phineas a look. "Crap, of course it is." Phineas bit his… her lip. Suddenly, Baljeet snatched the piece of paper out of his hand.
"What does the math say?" He asked. He looked at it long and hard, at first not comprehending. Phineas would later think she knew the exact moment Baljeet understood what the equation meant.
"What?" Buford suddenly asked (two octaves higher than normal). "What does that piece of paper say?"
"It… it…" It didn't seem like Baljeet was able to articulate exactly how horrible it was.
"It says." Ferb said shortly. "That we cannot change you back."
"What? That can't be. You two will work your stupid science voodoo and I'll stop being a girl!"
"Buford… he is right. We would need the original machine in order to turn you back."
Phineas was in shock. How could this have happened? His brain was working, but nothing he could think of would work. He and Buford… they would be stuck as girls forever.
When Linda came back, there was a lot of explaining, a lot of yelling, and frantic calls to Lawrence and Buford's father. In all the chaos, it was Ferb that took control.
"We will handle this calmly. Mr. Van Stromm, I understand that this is disconcerting, but Buford is still the same person. He may be female now, but he is still your child. I'm sure I don't have to explain the same to you." He said with a glance to his parents. "Honestly the biggest change will be their wardrobes and what they'll have to deal with during puberty. I will hack into the necessary government sites and change their names and genders on the appropriate forms. Yes, this will be unethical, but if we don't want a whole hullabaloo, it is necessary."
The three parents present didn't seem to know what to do. They looked to each other, then to their children, and then at the floor.
"What should we call them now?" Baljeet asked timidly.
"Buford." Buford said gruffly. "It's my name."
"It is not very feminine." Baljeet responded with a frown.
"What would you suggest?" Buford asked sarcastically. Baljeet didn't take it sarcastically.
"Bella?"
"Like that chick from those lame books? No."
"Belinda?"
"Are you serious?"
"Kaylee." Mr. Van Stromm suddenly said. "It is what your mother wanted to call you if you had been a girl."
"Kaylee." Buford said, testing it. "It works." No one mentioned how quickly he… she agreed once his… her mother was mentioned.
"Kaylee Van Stromm. It will be official tomorrow." Ferb said.
"How 'bout just changing my name to Phinesia? It sounds kind of cool." Phineas… Phinesia said timidly.
"Fine. Phinesia Flynn. Now that that's all covered, I'm going to bed."
Mr. Van Stromm took that as his cue to leave. Linda walked him to the door, making sure he knew that they were there for him and his new daughter. The both watched as Buford… Kaylee walked through the door and in the opposite direction from the Van Stromm house, a nervous Baljeet following after her.
Mr. Van Stromm sighed. "I have a feeling he's going to be even worse as a girl."
"Will she be alright, do you think?"
"She'll be fine, especially with her little friend there."
"Well, call if you need anything."
Linda turned to her own brand new daughter.
"We'll go shopping tomorrow."
"What's wrong with my clothes?"
"They're boy clothes. And you'll need a training bra. It figures you would change yourself into a girl right as you're going into puberty…"
Six years later
Baljeet found Kaylee exactly where he expected to find her (behind the school), doing exactly what he expected she'd be doing (smoking).
"Do I need to give the lecture on smoking again?" He asked lightly, hoping she wasn't in a take-all-anger-out-on-the-little-Indian-boy mood.
"Nah, I got it the first dozen times. I just don't care."
Baljeet carefully sat down next to her, silently waiting. The… encounter between Kaylee and Mitch had been tamer than some, but bad enough to warrant some kind of response. Publicly, Kaylee had given the idiot a firm right hook (that the teachers carefully looked away from), but privately, Baljeet knew one of several things could happen, and he was mentally prepared for each one.
"Why 'Jeet?" Ah. It would be the question game this time.
"Why what?"
"Why do they all think I'm easy?"
"Because they are fools who listen to gossip instead of common sense."
"What does common sense have to do with anything?"
"Common sense tells us that you are quite fearsome and not at all inclined to have sex with anyone you do not chose personally, so comically crude attempts to get you into bed are beyond redundant."
"Common sense is damn right. Why can't they see that?"
"Because, as I said, they are fools."
Kaylee snubbed her cigarette on the pavement, and before Baljeet was fully aware of what was going on, he found himself with a lap full of Kaylee, holding on to her as she cried into his shoulder. At least she wasn't screaming at him this time...
There were moans and pants and cries of 'OH GOD', and after one perfect, blissful moment, there were two people collapsed on the bed, panting together.
"Ferb." Vanessa purred as she rolled over to face him. "Has anyone told you how amazing you are?"
"Quite a few, but they're usually not in this context."
Vanessa giggled, but was interrupted by the buzz of a phone vibrating. Ferb gave a grunt, and then searched his discarded pants pocket. Vanessa looked over his shoulder at the screen as he pulled the text up.
"Who's Phinesia and why does she need your cock?" She asked coyly.
"Surely you're not jealous." Ferb responded absentmindedly as he typed back a reply.
"And if I am?"
"You're ridiculous. You and I both know you're using me to get back at this mysterious Monty you rant about while drunk."
Vanessa pouted. "Can't I love you both?"
Ferb gave her a glance that said all she needed to know.
"Fine. But you could still tell me why some chick with a weird name needs your cock."
"It's my step-sister."
"Ew."
"And it's not cock, it's C.O.C.K. It stands for Centralized Online Communication Kit. It's basically a 4G smart phone, tablet, laptop and bluray player combined into one with some snazzy features of our own added in."
"Sounds impressive. But… what's the point of only having one?"
"We each have one of our own, but Phin has this nasty habit of breaking hers on a regular basis. Thus her need of mine."
"So wait, are you saying that your sister breaks cocks on a regular basis?"
"I am indeed. I wish I just meant the technology…"
Vanessa laughed, then stared at him fondly as he began to dress.
"I sometimes forget that you're not just a genius in bed."
"Well, it's better to forget the mechanical genius part than forget the bed genius part."
"Believe me Ferb, I don't think I could possibly forget the bed part."
There was silence for a moment. Then Ferb asked,
"Is Monty as good as me?" Vanessa considered the question.
"Sometimes. He's really flexible, so it can get really interesting. Other times… it's like he has too much on his mind to focus on me."
"Perhaps you could make it impossible for him to focus on anything other than you."
"How?"
"Blow jobs are quite wonderful. I could even volunteer myself for you to practice on."
Vanessa threw a pillow at him. "You're horrible. Go give your sister your cock or something."
"You're the horrible one. I'm going to have nightmares from that last sentence forever."
"Would adding the 'step' in there make it any better?"
"As a matter of fact, it would."
"Fine. Go give your step-sister your cock."
"With pleasure. Ta darling."
Vanessa remained in bed long after Ferb had gone, staring at the ceiling.
"Blow jobs, huh? Might work…"
"Why is you only break your C.O.C.K. when I'm having a good time with a woman?"
"I don't know bro. Maybe it's because you're always having a good time with a woman?"
"Yes, I'm a manwhore. Now what's wrong with your C.O.C.K?"
"Nothing. I just need to look up porn and it'll look less sleezy on your history than it will on mine."
"Why, pray tell, do you need to look up porn?"
"I need to know if threesomes are as awkward as they sound."
"They are. You don't need porn to figure that out."
"You've been in a threesome?"
"Both types. They are always awkward."
"Both types? What does that mean?"
Ferb sighed. His step-sister was always so oblivious, even when it seemed like she knew everything.
"There are two types of threesome. Well, four actually. There's all-girls, and all-boys, and then there's two-girls-one-boy, and two-boys-one-girl. I have participated in both of the latter."
"Oh… I get it now. Which was more fun?"
"I'll leave that to your imagination. Now, I have an experiment to conduct, so if that's all…"
"Wait, um… we haven't spent much time together recently… maybe we could work on your experiment together?"
Ferb barely restrained himself from sighing, only because he knew it would hurt his stepsister.
"Phin, it's not exactly something I need help with. But how 'bout we have a classic Star Trek marathon tonight?"
"Sounds great! I'll uh, I'll see you later."
"Right."
Another day, another meathead trying to convince Kaylee to do things she had no interest in doing. With them, that is.
Unfortunately for Baljeet, the encounter happened while he was in advanced quantum mechanics, and he didn't hear about it until after school ended, so Kaylee had a head start on him. He started with the usual haunts… slushy burger, the park, the Flynn-Fletcher backyard… Finally, he admitted defeat and headed home. Hopefully she would call.
He was pleasantly surprised to find all his hard work had been pointless since she had been on his bed the whole time, putting dents in the ceiling with a rubber ball. At least she had respected his 'no smoking' rule.
"You do not know the meaning of the word convenience, do you?"
"I know the meaning, but I don't get what it has to do with me."
"You could have texted me. It would have been nice to know you were here before I searched all over town for you."
"What's the fun in that?"
Baljeet sighed and pulled out his homework. It must not have been a disastrous encounter. She would talk if she needed to, but in the meantime, Baljeet needed to solve some equations.
"Hey Baljeet?" She said suddenly (fortunately before he could get into the first equation).
"Yes Kaylee?"
"Do you think I'm pretty?" Ah. It was question time again.
"No."
"Oh."
"I happen to think you're beautiful. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Baljeet knew for a fact that Kaylee didn't ask anything for no reason. He waited patiently. "Well, it's just… well, it seems like every guy that goes after me is doing it 'cause I'm supposed to be easy… or maybe it's just that I'm available. I mean, I'm not as pretty or smart as Phinesia, and it really shows in the way guys approach us in different ways, you know?"
"Kaylee, look at me." She didn't. Baljeet narrowed his eyes. "Buford. Look. At. Me." That got her. "You are not easy, and you are not available. Anyone with a lick of common sense knows that."
"What? I am so available."
"No you are not. You have not been available since before Phineas' cruel mistake."
"How do you figure that?"
"Is it not obvious? You belong to me. You have since you claimed me as your nerd, and I accepted you as my bully."
"That's different."
"No, it is not." Baljeet got up from his desk. Carefully, oh so carefully, he leaned over Kaylee. "You belong to me Kaylee Van Stromm. I am the one you come to when you are upset. I am the only one you talk to about personal matters. I am the only one you speak French to when you are feeling romantic. You belong to me, and I would suggest you never forget it."
"Maybe if you'd claim me properly I would."
"Is that a dare Miss Van Stromm?"
"I do believe it is."
Baljeet leant down and gave Kaylee the best kiss he could muster. It was probably a little too messy, a little too awkward, but it was passionate, and it was full of the love neither of them would admit out loud.
They parted gently.
"Why didn't you do that years ago?" Kaylee asked breathlessly.
"Because you may belong to me, but I am still a coward. I was sure you did not want yet another foolish young man making clumsy passes at you."
"But 'Jeet… you aren't a fool."
"Yes I am… if I weren't a fool I would not have waited.
"In a way… I'm kind of glad you did. I know it's real."
"Kaylee, do not for a moment doubt that this is real."
"Space! The Final Frontier! These are the voyages of the star ship Enterprise."
Ferb couldn't help but roll his eyes as Phin spoke along with the opening of the show. She always did this. Always.
"Hey Ferb?" She asked as the episode started. "Why do you keep going back to Vanessa? She's only using you."
"I'm fully aware of that, and take full advantage of her taking advantage of me."
"Oh."
They watched in silence as a red shirt was killed.
"Why are you always so eager to take advantage of the girls that throw themselves at you? You're better than that, you know?"
"Better than what Phin? Better than a teenage boy? That's exactly what I am Phin, and you would be too if you weren't such a fool."
"Oh my god." Phin was giving him that look. That look that said he was not going to like the following conversation. "You just proved my theory without even trying. You have been punishing me for that."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"You know damn well what I'm talking about. You're still mad at me for the gender swap, and you're taking it out on me by ignoring me and banging everything with two legs and a working vagina."
"Don't be crude Phin. And how on earth is it taking it out on you? My sex life has nothing to do with you."
"Yes it does! It's bad enough I'm in love with you, but you have to go and flaunt your British sex appeal by doing every floozy that throws herself at you."
"Don't be ridiculous. You can't be in love with me Phin."
"Don't you think I know that? God, you're my stepbrother! We freaking grew up together! Don't you think I know it's wrong? I can't help it Ferb!"
"Sure you can. I have." Ferb was doing his best to focus on Shatner firing his phaser at some strange alien race.
"Like hell you have." She just had to say that.
"Phineas, you don't know the first thing of hell!" Ferb couldn't help that his voice was rising in volume. He was upset, and it was Phin's fault. "Hell is being given your soul mate on a sliver platter, and guess what? He's your brother!" Ferb stood up and started to pace. "I think I could have handled that if you had stayed my brother, but no, you had to go and change yourself into my sister. Fuck Phin!" Ferb looked her straight in the eye. "Do you realize how hard you are to resist? Of course you don't, because you've never had to suffer having the body of a teenage boy!"
"Ferb." Phin whimpered from his seat on the couch. "Why do we have to resist? Why can't we be together? We're not related by blood."
"Damnit Phineas…" Ferb sat down heavily.
Phin crawled into his lap cautiously. Ferb stared at her, barely knowing what was what anymore.
"Why do we have to punish each other? If society won't let us have what we want, we'll go off the gird. Change our names, change our appearances and go live where it doesn't matter." What she was saying made too much sense.
Ferb sighed and rubbed his hand across his face. "Sometimes," He said softly. "I imagine that we're ten again. I imagine that you're still a boy, and the most beautiful person I've ever seen is Vanessa, and nothing matters but making sure the summer isn't boring. I imagine that you know nothing about like, or love or sex, and that I'm a man of few words." He peeked at Phin through his fingers. "What the hell happened Phin?"
"We grew up. It's unfair, but we did."
Ferb let his hands drop. "Have you kissed anyone Phineas?"
"No." She was blushing. "I was… kind of saving it for you."
Ferb closed his eyes, in hopes that it would allow him some restraint.
"Come here then. Let's make sure you get the best first kiss ever."
Phin glanced down, and then back up demurely, and then slowly leaned in. The kiss they shared was slow, and passionate, and everything either of them could possibly want. When it was over, Phin wrapped herself around Ferb like a snake wrapped around a tree.
"No more Vanessa." He muttered into Ferb's shirt. "No more Suzy, no more Gretchen, no more anyone else. If that means I need to spend every waking hour pleasing you, I will."
Ferb chuckled. "Whatever you say Phineas."
Phin sat up to look Ferb in the eye.
"Why do you still call me Phineas? You're the only one that does."
"Because you are who you are, no matter what the gender."
"Does that mean you would have become gay for me if I had stayed a boy?"
"Possibly. But we'll never know."
"Maybe it's better that way." Phin said as she lowered her head back to Ferb's chest.
"Maybe."
"Hey 'Jeet?" Baljeet was quite content to lay in (mostly) silence with his head pillowed on Kaylee's (wonderfully generous) chest.
"Yes Kaylee?"
"Would I still be yours if I were still Buford?"
"Yes, you would." Baljeet answered without hesitation.
"You mean it? You would be gay for me?"
Baljeet raised his head to look Kaylee in the eye. "Kaylee, Buford, whichever you happen to be, I would be yours, and you would be mine, no matter what gender, no matter what size, no matter what universe."
There was a sweet moment of silence.
"You're such a sap."
"Yes, but I am your sap."