Disclaimer : I do not now, nor will I ever own the anime/manga, Naruto. This story is only for entertainment purposes.
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(Okay, I usually hate A/N at the beginning of chapters, but it's kinda necessary. Here are some things you should know so that this will make a tiny sliver of sense lol...it takes place after the time skip, and Sasuke is in Konoha. All of the Akatsuki are alive (minus Sasori lulz), and they don't have any bijuu collected yet. Hence why it's very AU...anyway, that's all I think, so enjoy! ^_^)
Chapter One : Enter - The Hero Of This Story
Naruto Uzumaki awoke to the sounds of birds singing joyfully throughout the village of Konoha. Bright sunlight streamed in through the windows of his small apartment, and after waiting a few moments to allow his eyes to adjust to the happy rays of sun, he sat up on his bed, stifling a yawn and wiping the remainder of sleep from the corners of his eyes. Finally giving into the yawn, the spiky-haired shinobi rose from his bed and strolled over to the window, letting his eyes wander over every inch of the village that he could see. Opening said window, Naruto grinned as he watched Bushier Brow sensei and Bushy Brow jog by, screams of youth and passion filling the air as he did so.
"C'mon Lee, show me those bright and burning flames of youth!" Bushier Brow sensei called out joyfully, turning to face his prized pupil and jog for a bit backwards as he did so.
"Yes Guy-sensei! If I cannot keep up with you for the remainder of our early morning jog, then I will do one hundred push-ups! And if I cannot do one hundred push-ups, then I will do two hundred squats! And if I cannot do two hundred squats, then it will be..." Naruto was tuning Bushy Brow out at this point, instead glancing at Might Guy with a sigh. Bushier Brow sensei seemed much more interested in Lee's ramblings though, if the wide grin on his face was any proof.
"Splendid Lee! What an excellent day to excercise and maintain your self-rule!" Guy assured, turning back around and laughing heartily.
"Oh...Guy-sensei...!" Bushy Brow sobbed, and it seemed as if Bushier Brow sensei's eyes were also beginning to tear up. Rolling his eyes, Naruto turned his head towards the next set of people walking down the street. Or, perhaps one person walking, as two others followed behind, would be more appropriate. The raven-haired man leading the small pack, was none other than Sasuke Uchiha, the 16-year-old survivor of the Uchiha Clan Massacre himself. After almost killing his brother Itachi, and being a jerk for a little while after, he had decided to come back to Konoha for the sake of the story. Following behind him were two of his biggest fangirls ever, Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka. The two females practically worshiped the ground that Sasuke walked on...actually, they were in the process of literally worshipping the young man's tracks, going so far as to kiss the ground behind Sasuke as he walked, no doubt trying to soak up even the tiniest sliver of God juice that the young Uchiha emitted wherever he went.
"Hey Sasuke!" Naruto called out with a grin, waving frantically. Sasuke didn't even stop walking, and barely shifted his eyes up to the window, only offering a small "Hn.", before continuing out of sight, while the two females sucked at the ground like vacuum cleaners. Naruto snickered at his friend and closed the window.
"Oh, that Sasuke...he always tells the funniest jokes..." the spiky-haired blonde mused as he got dressed. Yep, it was just another ordinary day in Konoha alright...
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Meanwhile, inside of an ominous looking apartment building, nine shady figures were in a living room.
"Yo, is e'reybody here?" a man with spiky red hair asked, trailing his weird purple, ripply eyes over the room.
"Tobi is present!" a black-haired man in an orange mask cried happily, making his partner, a male (or female?) with long blonde hair roll his eye (his other eye was obscured by his golden locks).
"Perhaps if you weren't so incompetent, you would come to realize that if there are indeed nine figures in our meeting area, then by default, that would mean that all members are here and awaiting orders." another man spoke, his voice emotionless, and his bright, red Sharingan eyes staring at the leader. The shark-like man at his side giggled.
"'ey yo! What did I say about disrespecting me in front of the group Itachi? What did Pain say?" the man questioned, referring to himself in the third-person view.
"I can't possibly fathom what idiotic words spewed forth from your mouth, as I was too busy trying to drown out your moronic rambling with Hidan's slightly less demeaning self-delusions." Itachi replied in his same emotionless tone, melting panties all over the world with his 'too cool for school attitude'. However, at his words, a man with gray, slicked back hair looked up with wide eyes.
"Umm...'self-delusions'?! What in the unholy name of fuck nuggets are you talkin' about Itachi?!" Hidan demanded, making Tobi snicker and whisper to his partner 'Fuck nuggets?' The man at Hidan's right, with weird green eyes lowered his mask and took a swig of Vodka straight from the bottle.
"I'm simply suggesting that--" Itachi was cut off from another hammy speech by Pain.
"Can't y'all shut up for five damn sec--" it was Pain's turn to be interrupted by the orange-mask wearing man-child.
"Why is there bloody paper on the floor sempai?" Tobi asked, pointing towards a few sheets of stained paper on the floor. The only blonde male in the group shrugged.
"Maybe Konan is on the rag...hmm." he offered, recieving a furious glare from a woman with blue hair, who stood at Pain's left.
"Wha--? Oh no this fool did not go there! Pain, baby hold my earrings, I'm gonna break my foot off in his ass..." Konan ranted, taking off her earrings as she said she would, handing them to the orange-haired leader. The blonde man smirked, and allowed his eyebrows to go up in amusement.
"How in the mother fucking, shit sucking, Christ of twat slapping anal jugs are we supposed to get anything done with all of this fuckin' fighting?!" Hidan growled, quieting the entire room, except for Tobi, who was wildly rolling on the floor and laughing. The room remained silent for a few more minutes, but it was the shark-like ninja next to Itachi who spoke first.
"Ah, go pray to that false God of yours and shut up!" he snapped, grinning a toothy smile, apparently very pleased with his words. Hidan's eyes widened, before glaring furiously at the man.
"You--! Kisame, you--!" He began, before taking a deep calming breath. Hidan took another breath, deeper this time, before opening his mouth to speak again. "You cock smoking, splooge sipping, hobo raping, donkey molesting, nipple pinching, cunt thumping, mayonnaise gurgling, midget tossing, fudge packing...!" At this point, Itachi put two fingers around his temples, trying to soothe what would eventually break out into a full blown migraine.
"Gayest fish I've ever seen, dick choking, ball gobbling, mother fucking, cum guzzling, diarrhea infested-herpes cesspool-Hillary Rodham Clinton-jizz factory-gang raping-snot-sucking-testicle-magnet-of-homosexual-fantas--!!!" Hidan's ranting was finally cut off (good thing too, he was beginning to run out of breath).
"Enough!" Pain screamed, effectively killing the longest and dirtiest insult in the history of mankind.
"God damn, it's like babysitting a bunch a kids!" he continued, looking at Konan, who nodded in agreement, shooting every member of the group a nasty glare. After a few minutes, Pain had regained his composure, and once again spoke up.
"A'ight e'reyone, listen up! This is how it's goin' down...Deidara and Tobi..." the orange-haired man looked at the blonde male. "You two gotta track down one of those...bijuu things. Hidan and Kakuzu..." he shifted his gaze towards the still seething Hidan, and the man to his right, who parted ways with his now empty Vodka bottle, and was staring wearily at the leader. "You two need to hunt down another...bijuu thing. And Itachi and Kisame...your job is to go to Wal-Mart and pick up some more nail polish for the group, knah mean?" he turned his head towards Itachi, who nodded in understanding.
"Good...e'reybody else can just chill at the crib, cool?" Pain asked, and everyone who didn't have an assignment nodded accordingly.
"Cool...Akatsuki out. Konan, Zetsu...I just got Madden '10, let's pop that jawn in..." Pain suggested, turning on his PS2, as Kisame, Itachi, Tobi, Deidara, Kakuzu, and Hidan all left.
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Naruto was busy skipping happily down the street, before realizing that he was skipping, and began walking like a normal human being. He instead chose to ponder what the Forth Hokage and Tobi's voice would sound like once the English dubbed versions of the show came out. While in his deep thought, he hadn't even realized that he had smacked right into Hinata. Because he didn't realize that he had, he kept on walking, leaving Hinata to try and greet him unsuccessfully.
"N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Nar-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Na-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Naru-N-N-N-N-N-Na-N-N-N-N-Nar-N-N-N-N-N-N..." Hinata took a deep breath. "N-N-Nar-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Na-N-N-N-N-Narut (almost had it!)-N-N-N-N-N-Na-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-Naru-N-N-N-N-N..."
Naruto continued down the street, completely unaware of Hinata's struggle for normal speech, and made his way towards the Ichiraku Ramen Shop, where he spent ninety percent of his time when not out on a mission (he could say that he spent five percent on the training field, maybe one percent in the Hokage's office...something like that. He didn't feel like breaking out the pie chart to figure out the rest.). When he reached his favorite Ramen stand in the world, Naruto poked his head in and grinned a foxy grin.
"Seventeen bowls of Miso, old man!" he called out, taking a seat on one of the stools.
"Only seventeen?!" Ayame replied, looking shocked.
"Yeah, I'm kinda going on a diet, so..." Naruto trailed off, focusing on the beautiful woman that sat next to him. She had pinkish-purplish-blueish, long hair, and her eyes were amazing. They were like...lavender, red, and dark purple all mixed together. The woman turned to look at the young blonde, her ginormous breasts nearly spilling her bowl of ramen.
"Hello there...I'm Mary-Sue. Mary-Sue Origami Cheebers...what's your name?" the Goddess asked our favorite knucklehead, who was too busy drooling over the sex Queen to see that a bowl of ramen was placed in front of him.
"My...uhh...I'm Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki...nice to meet you too Cheebers-san..." the spiky-haired ninja replied, having to forcibly close his gaping jaw. Mary-Sue giggled, her voice sounding like a thousand angels exploding in the daylight.
"Please, Naruto-kun...call me Mary-Sue. Or, if you still wish to incorporate my last name, and maybe my middle, Mary-Sue O.C." she insisted, offering a wide smile. Naruto could have sworn that her teeth were so shiny, he could see his reflection in those white, pearly chiclets.
"Umm...okay...Mary-Sue-chan..." he corrected himself, as Mary-Sue nodded in approvement. Finally realizing that there was a bowl of steamy goodness in front of him, Naruto began eating. As the two ate their ramen, they began to talk about everything, past, present, and future. Naruto didn't know why, but he felt like he could tell her anything. Like she was perfect...
"But yeah...my bloodline is crazy. Did you know that I possess the Sharingan, both normal and Mangekyo, Byakugan, and Rinnegan? I also have another Kekkei Genkai, which allows me to fly and regenerate...--oh! I can also use all five different types of elemental chakra, and have even learned to fuse them to recreate wood style and ice style techniques! Oh...but I also have a terrible secret..." Mary-Sue trailed off, suddenly looking timid. Naruto inhaled the ramen on his chopsticks, and turned to face her beautiful lavender/dark purple/red eyes. What he saw astonished him...her eyes were like his. Lonely...but no, that couldn't be right...could it? Was it at all possible that this woman had perhaps experienced the same type of pain as him? And this secret...what was it? Surely she didn't mean...
"What is it Mary-Sue-chan?" Naruto questioned, placing a reassuring hand on her silky smooth, flawless, porcelain shoulder.
"Well...I...I...have you ever heard of a bijuu?" she asked hesitantly, looking down at the counter. She just couldn't face the man that she loved.
"I...yeah...I have..." Naruto began, watching as the gorgeous woman shook.
"Then...you should know...that I..." Mary-Sue started, as tears streamed down her perfectly proportionate face.
"Mary-Sue-chan...do you...have one sealed within you?" the spiky-haired genin asked hesitantly, watching as the Goddess's lavender/red/dark purple eyes widened.
"Actually...I have four sealed inside..." she murmured sorrowfully. Naruto blinked.
"Four? Is that even possible?" he wondered out loud.
"I knew you wouldn't understand, how could you?!" Mary-Sue sobbed as she ran out of Ichiraku's, her gigantic breasts jiggling, causing her to fall down because they were hitting her in the face. Naruto watched as she picked herself back up, start wailing, and flew off into the night's sky (wasn't it daytime a few seconds ago?!). The blonde genin shook his head warily, and paid for his meal, stepping out into the lavish sun (ok srsly). Suddenly, Sakura charged in his direction.
"Naruto, you big dummy!" she screeched, punching Naruto in the head, sending him toppling to the ground, where she kicked him in the stomach several times.
"Sak--ow! Sakura, wha--ouch! What's wrong?!" he finally yelped out, causing the pinkette to stop kicking him.
"Oh yeah...anyway, the Hokage needs to see us. Team 7 has a mission. See you later, Naruto!" Sakura called happily, disappearing in a cloud of smoke, as Naruto choked on his own blood. He slowly stood and brushed himself off, and began making his way towards the Hokage's Mansion.
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I guess I forgot to mention that this is mainly rated M for Hidan's mouth, huh? Well anyway, late warning, I know lol. So, that was an exciting first chapter, right? I hope that most of you guys like dark humor...or at least appreciate it, because as you can see from Hidan's colorful vocabulary...well, that's a taste of what's to come, I should say lol. And I know, I kinda killed my own OC joke, but...I couldn't help it lol.
I'd like to point out, that while I am spoofing anime, Naruto, and other fanfictions, that doesn't mean that I am doing it out of hate. First off, I am a gigantic Naruto fan (Narutard?)...I love the English dubbed, English subbed w/Japanese voiceovers, and the manga...I love it all, so don't take this the wrong way. (And no, I won't be spoiling anything in the manga for all of you who hate being spoiled). And as for spoofing fanfictions...well, it is also out of love. There's nothing like the feeling you get from reading a really great FF story, is there? Likewise, we all know the feeling of reading about Godly OC's, bad characterizations, and inconsistent data...but hey, at least they're trying! So here's to all of the lovers of Naruto, anime, and FF (both good and those that need work)!