This is the start of something that I hope, assuming I can get over my usual habit of never finishing anything, I'm going to build on for a fair while. This is far from my best writing since I'm currently full of flu, but I knew if I didn't start it now I never would.

"I said nothing for a time, just ran my fingertips along the edge of the human-shaped emptiness that had been left inside me."

― Haruki Murakami

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you that none of the family members we tested have come back as a match."

The words swirled around Carla's head as she sat, motionless, on the bed, tossing it over in her mind for what was likely a long time before responding. She shouldn't have been surprised, not really. It was only ever a long shot, and she knew how rare it was to find a match so quickly but still, she couldn't help feel like this all very final.

"Right."

"That's not to say that we've exhausted all options at all", the doctor quickly added, perhaps sensing her mood or maybe just reading off some kind of memorised script. "We'll keep you on dialysis, as an inpatient for now but once you're strong enough to go home, you'll only have to come in three times a week. And of course you'll be jumped up the donor list quite considerably. And we can widen the net. It's true that family is generally your best shot at a match but that's not always the case. It could be a close friend, a neighbour…"

"Yeah, I don't really do close friends…" Carla murmured, barely audible above the beeping of a heart monitor.

There was a pause. The doctor shifted her weight from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable, and Carla felt a bolt of guilt shoot through her. Why was she feeling guilty for someone she didn't know, who delivered this news to people every day?

"I understand this must be a huge blow for you, and you no doubt have a lot of questions-"

"How long?" Carla interjected, her eyes never moving from the same spot on the wall opposite. "If they can't find a donor, if… If some stranger who just happens to be a match for me doesn't die while I'm top of the list… How long do I have?"

"That's impossible to judge. People react in vastly different ways to dialysis. It depends on your general health, your lifestyle… But you're relatively young, otherwise fit-" Carla couldn't help but chuckle at being declared 'fit', when walking from one end of the street to the other had begun to feel like running a marathon. "I see no reason why you should expect the worst. And many of your symptoms we can treat. The fatigue, for example, and the fainting, is by and large a result of anaemia, so we can tweak your medication to address that. And a nutritionist will visit at some stage to work out a diet plan which, combined with regular dialysis, you should find a huge help".

"But it won't cure it? I'm not gonna get better, however much dialysis or whatever 'diet plans' they throw at me?"

Another pause.

"At this stage, with your kidney function as low as it is… I'm afraid not, ultimately. And whilst I do have to warn you that the donor list is somewhat of a lottery, people live perfectly happy lives for years on dialysis. Please try not to worry too much at this stage".

Great. So just as long as she spend half that time hooked up a machine and the other half eating like a rabbit, she might see fifty if she was lucky. The doctor excused herself, saying something about follow up meetings with various medical people, but she barely heard her.

The room spun and Carla found herself reaching for the side of the bed to steady herself. Why had she not told anyone sooner? So caught up in her own pride, her own fear, she'd taken a gamble on her life and lost. A gamble: oh, the irony. She should've learned from last time that luck was rarely on her side, but now it was far more than a business she stood to lose.

They say it's the hope that kills you, and in this case, Carla thought, it literally had. Perhaps that was the real reason she'd been so reluctant to come clean sooner - because all the while she felt herself getting sicker, she could always fool herself that it would be okay in the end. The longer she put it off, the longer she could delude herself that she'd find that match she so desperately needed. Now she'd been forced to come clean, her worst fears had been realised and she had to face facts - she was dying. Only now, it was too late to save herself; she was too far gone.

This was it. This was how it ends, and she had no one to blame but herself.

"Aidan, any news on Carla?" Daniel called across the street as he broke into a jog to catch him up. It was only then he saw the look in his eyes.

"Um, yeah. We just found out this morning that none of us are a match, so…" Aidan sniffed, clearly trying and failing to hide his heartbreak. "I'm supposed to go and see her later but I…"

"Oh Aidan, I'm so sorry"

"Yeah. We all are. Look, do me a favour and let people know, yeah? I'd rather not be fending off endless questions today"

"Sure, sure, of course. So, so what now? For Carla, I mean?"

Aidan pulled his phone from his pocket, reading a text. "I don't know, more dialysis? A prayer circle? Look Daniel I don't mean to be rude but I've really got to get on, yeah?"

"Sure, of course, sorry. If there's anything I can do-"

"Yeah, thanks". Aidan quickened his pace, leaving Daniel in his wake.

They may have been each other's favourite people at that moment, but it took Peter a matter of seconds to see the broken look all over his brother's face as he walked into the Rovers, and he hurriedly took a customer's money before approaching him. "Hey, what's up?"

"Um…" Daniel looked around, as though nervous. "Can I have a word out the back?"

"Of course… Eva, can you hold the fort for a minute?" Peter had pulled Daniel behind the bar before Eva even had chance to respond. Closing the lounge door behind them, Peter knew instantly what this about. "Is it Carla? What's happened?"

Daniel collapsed onto the sofa, letting out a deep sigh. "I just saw Aidan".

Peter felt his breathing stop.

"They got their test results this morning and um, well…" He shrugged, unable to find the words. "None of them are a match".

"Oh god" were all Peter could think to respond. He too lowered himself into a chair. "I really hoped that, y'know, of all of them that someone…"

"Yeah, well, I mean Johnny was out anyway because of his MS so that only left three of them and, well, I guess it was naive to think they might be."

"I can't imagine how she's feeling" Peter muttered, more to himself than his brother.

That was a lie. He knew his ex wife inside out and knew exactly how she'd be feeling right now. She'd be angry at herself, at the world.

"I can't believe I never noticed…" Daniel brought him round from his thoughts. "I was with her all that time, pouring my heart out over Sinead and all that time…."

"Hey, listen", the older man put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "I was married to her, I knew her inside out and even I didn't notice. I was too busy laying into her, too wrapped up in my own-" He stopped himself at the last second. "My own life, my own issues… Even when she collapsed I thought she was drunk! But one thing I do know about Carla is she's the master of illusion. If she didn't want you to know something, she'd make sure you didn't. This wasn't your fault".

"I should've noticed something sooner," Johnny took a mug of coffee from his wife, eyes fixed on the mantlepiece. "She strolls back in, saves all our bacon and do I ever, once, ask how she's doing? I mean she must have really been suffering if things have got this bad."

"She could have told you, too" Jenny tried to comfort her husband. "I mean, you had no reason to suspect anything".

"And why didn't she tell me, 'eh? Why did Roy Cropper know for months and I didn't? Because he DID ask after her. I bet he didn't spend every phone conversation whittling on about his own problems, then dash off for a meeting without so much a 'how are you'?"

"Well maybe that's why she didn't tell you, because she knew you had your own problems. She cares about you, she wouldn't have wanted to worry you."

"Well, I'm worried now!"

Jenny sighed. They'd had this conversation multiple times over the past few days, each time she'd been forced to watch her husband torture himself over everything from his guilt over her childhood to the present day, and on none of those occasions had she managed to find a single thing to console him. She'd watched as he'd paced the flat, his daughter's flat, wracked with guilt, and was entirely powerless to help him.

Johnny stood, suddenly, abandoning his full mug of coffee. "You know what, I don't care what they say, I'm gonna march down that hospital and demand I get tested, too"

Physically grabbing her husband back, Jenny attempted to reason. "Don't be ridiculous, you're in no condition!"

"I'm dying anyway, Jenny, let's be realistic. I can't stand by and watch her die too if there's something I can do about it".

"But there is nothing! They've told you, there's no way they'd rule you fit enough!"

"Then I'll make them! What's a few extra years if it's spent hating myself for not doing all I could to save her? I've let her down her entire life and if I even have a chance at changing the habit of a lifetime then I'll die happier".

"And what about me? And Aidan, and Kate? And Carla, do you think she'd let you do this if she knew? How would she feel if she knew you…. You sacrificed yourself for her? You think she'd be happy?! Think it was would somehow undo all your regrets?" Jenny stood in front of her husband now, physically holding his face and forcing him to look her in the eye and tears streamed down both their faces. "I'll beg if I have to. I know I'm gonna have to lose you some day and it kills me, but please, if not for yourself then for me, for your kids… PLEASE think this through. I need you around for as long as I can have you and if that makes me selfish for saying it then damn right I'm selfish!"

Seeing the fear in his wife's eyes, Johnny sat back down. "Okay… Okay, you're right they… they wouldn't even do it anyway, I…. I just need to do SOMETHING, you know?"

"And you can" Jenny wiped tears from his eyes with the sleeve her cardigan, wrapping herself around him. "Right now, the best thing you can do is be there for her. She needs to be strong, alright? Hold it together, for her."

"But that's just it, isn't it?" He sighed. "I'm not strong. Never have been. If I had been, we'd never have ended up here".