-Navi Gate-
Sunlight streamed between the leaves, setting a dappled shade on the swaying grass. Specks of fairy dust floated lazily through the rays of light and hid in the shadows. Birds twittered across the crisp morning sky. Several Kokiri children were crowded in a circle, sneering and shouting threats.
"Noo stop hitting me!" screamed Mido as Link's golden gauntlets smashed into his face again.
"I'll stop hitting you when you DIE," Link replied with disgust. "Such a loser."
"I was just joking around back when I was a kid!" Mido pleaded.
"So, what you're saying is you're still joking, then?" Link chuckled.
"Drat. You weren't that smart seven years ago."
Link whipped out the Master Sword and brought it down on Mido's face. A cheer went up among the Kokiri. One of them came up to thank Link and then turned to head back home like everyone else.
"What are you kids up to?" yelled the Deku Sprout from his meadow.
"Just playing a game, Daddy," shouted a Kokiri. Everyone else giggled and scrambled back indoors.
"Hey, Link!" screeched an all-too-familiar voice.
"What now, Navi?" Link groaned. "I was just killing this foo."
"Listen! I got a message from Saria!" Navi said, observing the mangled body at Link's feet. "Nice job on that one...err...I mean...Saria's having a party up at the Forest Temple and wants you to come right away!"
"Forest Temple, eh?" Link thought. "Well, I hope she doesn't ask about her ocarina. I gave it to Zelda."
"So, you want to come or not? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?" Navi went into broken record mode.
"I should have left you up in the rafters back at the Temple of Time...Oh well, I'm coming. Let's go."
They set off toward the Lost Woods after Link wiped his sword on the nearest Deku Scrub.
"Where the heck are we going?" Link complained. They had been wandering through the Lost Woods for hours now.
"Erm...it should be this way..." Navi thought out loud. "Why don't you just warp there?"
"Well...see...I gave that other ocarina to Malon," Link mumbled.
"What a...never mind. But didn't you like Saria?" Navi questioned, forgetting about the situation. "She's so cute and sweet and you used to be best friends and all that stuff..."
"I think I'm just starting to realize that," Link sighed, sitting on a stump. "It seems like the best girls are always out of reach, though."
"What do you mean?" Navi asked.
"I mean the whole age thing. She's really smart and cool and all, but I don't think it can work out when she has the body of a little kid. I've been trying to get interested in other girls because I know Saria and I will just turn out to be some kind of disaster. I don't want to lose her as a friend, you know?"
"Then why did you give away her ocarina?" Navi scolded.
"I was going through a hard time..." Link admitted. "I thought I wanted to forget about her and move on, and I made a dumb decision...AAAHHH SAVE ME NAVI I'M GONNA DIE!"
"It's ok, Link," Navi comforted him awkwardly as he started to weep. "She's the fricking Sage of Forest. I'm sure you guys can work something out. Now get off your lazy butt and get to that party."
"Thanks, Navi," Link sniffed. "Why weren't you ever this helpful when Ganondorf was taking over?"
"I had...my own issues," Navi answered. "...Oh, what the heck. GANONDORF WAS SOOOOO HOT. And he drove me crazy and stuff."
"Um, wow," Link remarked. "Makes me feel a lot better about the whole Saria thing."
"Just doing my job," Navi chirped. "So, let's try going left here."
"Well, I think this is...it..." Navi uttered.
"We're back in Kokiri Forest," Link groaned.
"I thought it was right left right left right right straight left straight," Navi apologized.
"I only remember going straight once," Link offered.
"Let's try it again," Navi sighed.
The two headed back into the woods, writing down correct directions as they went, emerging back into Kokiri Forest countless times. They finally seemed to be making some progress.
"Do do doo, do do doo, do do do do dooo, do do do do dooo...do do do dooo," Link shouted along with the tune playing through the painted speakers hidden in the trees.
"Will you SHUT UP?" Navi screamed.
"I reserve the right to do this to you for seven years," Link retorted.
"I did not annoy you for seven years," Navi groaned. "You were asleep nearly the whole time."
"That was in the other timeline, idiot," Link corrected her. "I had to grow up with you in this one."
Suddenly, Link tripped and fell through the bushes into a hole in the ground. He landed on a firm dirt floor that looked like it had been swept.
"Hey! I'll bet Saria wants to know what we're up to! Let's go see her!" Navi piped.
"Shut up," Link moaned, spitting dirt from his mouth. "Where are we?"
"Looks like some kind of cave," Navi answered. "Nothing interesting."
"Your mask sucks so bad," giggled a dark shape in the corner. "You lose."
"What?" Link asked. "Who's there?"
He was answered with a pelting of rocks.
"Go away! We do not approve of your face!" jeered the voice.
"Quick! Retreat! Retreat!" Navi cried.
Link backed into the shaft of light and floated up through the hole.
He was greeted by a giant spear-wielding Moblin.
"NO LIKE GREEN AAAHHH!" it screamed. "ME WANT OUT OF HERE! MUST KILL GREEN!"
Link rolled around the ankles of the charging Moblin and spun around in a mega spinning move, watching the Moblin fall over and burn into a greenish mess of flames.
"NOOOOOO GREEEEEEEN," it squealed.
Link and Navi glanced at each other with frightened looks.
"Um, ok," Navi stuttered. "It came through that opening. Let's try that way."
Before long, they found themselves in a wide valley.
"Hey! Look! We finally made it!" Navi danced in the air.
"We still have a Moblin-infested maze to go through," Link corrected her. "But at least we won't be seeing Kokiri Forest again."
"Huh?" Navi questioned.
A muffled explosion echoed through the giant stump door behind them. The sky darkened.
"Moving on..." Link chuckled nervously.
Link and Navi shuffled through the narrow-walled maze, taking Moblins out of their misery. Link considered catching some fairies from the spring, but decided he didn't want to get reprimanded by Navi for fairy abuse. They climbed the stairs leading up to the place where Saria used to sit and play her ocarina. Link took a deep breath, smelling the familiar air. Why did it seem so much more like home here?
"Looks like the meadow is empty," Navi commented.
"Shh, I'm having a tender and nostalgic moment," Link whispered, closing his eyes and picturing Saria's face. Had he ever touched it? He imagined it was soft and warm, like a baby's face. Her hair was silky against his nose, and a flowery scent sifted into his nostrils.
"Get over yourself," Navi grunted. "Saria's waiting for us."
"Ok, I'm ready. Let's go in," Link replied, walking toward the rebuilt staircase in front of the temple. Saria had really gone over the top in restoring the temple. He loved that about her.
"Empty in here too," Navi said as they entered the temple. "I like what she's done with the place, though."
Link did, too. The vegetation had been left in place, but hanging all over the room were lanterns glowing with a magic light only Saria could create. She had also planted exotic flowers here and there. The result was a very natural feeling, yet it was much more pleasant than when Link had first visited the temple.
"They're probably in the main room," Link suggested, pressing onward.
"Ooo, pretty streamers," Navi giggled, swirling through the multicolored paper strips hanging from the ceiling of the hallway.
"Shh, I hear something," Link said. "Music?"
"Yeah...I think they're in the next room," Navi agreed. "They started without us? Meanies."
Link flung open the door to find Saria, Darunia, the four Poe sisters, and an overweight man dressed in blue and red break dancing in the center of the room. Half-eaten mushrooms littered the floor. A disco ball hung from the ceiling. Loud music pumped through the room.
"Link! You made it!" Saria shouted above the music.
"HOT! HOT! HOOOOT!" wailed Darunia.
"Come on, dance with us!" Saria yelled. "Mario's got some pretty sweet moves."
"Who?" Link asked, hopping down the steps.
"I dunno," Saria answered. "But he gave us these shrooms, so we let him in. Anyway, don't worry about the thin crowd. More people are coming soon."
"Cool..." Link forced a smile, watching as Mario started setting Darunia on fire. Maybe it had been a mistake to come after all...
"So, you gonna dance or not?" Saria laughed, grabbing Link's arm and spinning him around.
She's so young...but so amazing...ugh, am I a pedophile or what? Link thought to himself, spinning around the room with Saria.
"Please save me," Saria whispered in Link's ear as they whirled a little farther from Darunia and Mario.
"Huh?" Link questioned.
"Those guys are seriously starting to creep me out. When they heard I was having a party, I couldn't say no to them. You know...didn't want to be rude. But don't let them know."
Good old Saria, Link thought, smiling. He watched Navi dancing with the others.
"Anyway, we were going to have a music competition later," Saria told Link. "Did you bring the ocarina? Er...I mean, one of them, haha."
"Sorry...left them at home," Link gulped.
"Aw," Saria sighed. "Well, I guess I should have told Navi earlier. It slipped my mind."
A deep humming sound suddenly filled the room.
"AAIIIEEE!" screamed Darunia. "Teh wasps again!"
"What?" Link asked in confusion.
"Get on the elevator!" Saria shouted, snatching Link's wrist and dragging him across the room as fast as her short legs could take her.
With Saria perched on Darunia's head, all four managed to balance on top of the elevator, which had risen from the floor. Navi hovered above nervously. Green acid started pouring from the walls, flooding the room nearly to the top of the elevator. Wasps flew around, threatening with their stingers.
"DIE DIE DIE!" Saria yelled, blasting at the insects with a magic pistol.
"Saria?" Link exclaimed, eyes wide. "I thought you were...like, against killing."
"Not when you're killing pure evil," Saria answered. "I don't know where these things came from, but they keep trashing the place and attacking us. And then there's that stupid acid. I can't figure out how they're doing that.
"Where'd the Poe sisters go?" Link asked, looking around for them.
"You don't think they could be..." Saria wondered. "Ugh. And I thought I had tamed them."
Suddenly Link's feet slipped, and he tumbled into the acid. It ate away at him from every direction. Gasping in pain, he struggled back towards the elevator.
"Mama mia! It's a monster!" Mario warned, throwing fireballs at the green object floating in the liquid.
"Kill it before it reaches the elevator!" Saria screamed, sending a few bullets through Link's head. "Link, do you have your weapons with you? Link? You here?"
She looked down from Darunia's head to see that Link was no longer standing on the elevator. At that moment, a charred body surfaced in the acid.
"Nooo, it's Link!" Saria shouted. "Someone get him out of there!"
"Can't you heal him, Saria?" Navi asked as Darunia carefully bent down to pull the body out of the acid. Mario continued to fight off the wasps.
"He's not from here!" Saria cried. "I don't have any power over him!"
"...Fine. Idiots. I guess I'll have to help him," Navi groaned, swirling around Link's body. His skin suddenly healed over and his eyes fluttered open.
"What? Who am I?" Link asked in confusion.
"Link, you just fell in some acid," Saria pointed out. "Navi healed you."
"What?" Link gasped. "You never did that back when I needed you!"
"Erm...you know...the whole Ganondorf thing again," Navi blushed.
"Extermination complete," Mario announced. "See you next time."
The acid had been drained, and all the wasps were gone. Mario leaped off the elevator and left through the front door. Within seconds, a mass of different Hyrulean races swarmed into the room.
"Where are you all coming from?" Saria yelled at the crowd. "I didn't invite you all!"
"Some fat guy said you could give us shrooms," Princess Ruto informed her. "And look! My fiancé's here!" She blew a kiss at Link.
"Uh," Saria stammered, her cheeks turning red.
"Link is in love with Saria, you whore!" Navi screamed at Ruto.
The room went silent. Saria, Link, and Ruto all flashed a bright shade of red on their faces. Of course, Ruto wasn't exactly blushing.
"IS THIS TRUE, LINK?" she screeched. "CHEATING ON ME?"
A few moments of silence was all the answer she needed. Ruto stormed out of the room, grabbing a few mushrooms on the way. Music started playing, and all the guests returned to their dancing.
"Erm...what Navi said...I mean..." Link stuttered nervously.
"He loves you but he's afraid your age problem will destroy the relationship," Navi cut in.
"Will you shut up?" Link hissed, turning a deeper red.
"Oh, that?" Saria laughed. "I'm the fricking Sage of Forest. I can lift the forest curs - I mean, spell."
"Told you," Navi sang.
"But then won't all the Kokiri get older?" Link asked.
"They're always complaining about not being able to drive anyway," Saria shrugged. "And it's not like the Deku Sprout can do anything to us."
"Sounds good to me," Link agreed.
Suddenly, the world exploded.
"Done," Saria notified.
"Um, the world is gone," Link observed, his voice getting sucked into the blackness.
"Oops," Saria said. "We'll have to fix that. Just a sex...err...sec!"
"I think Saria's getting a little excited," Navi giggled.
"Have you ever thought about putting her to sleep?" Saria grunted toward Link.
"You have no idea," Link answered. "But I have to give it to her, she does have her moments sometimes."
"Like how she finally let us accept the fact that we love each other?" Saria remarked.
"Yeah, like...what? W-we?" Link stammered.
"You didn't think you were the only one in love, did you?" Saria laughed, leaning in to kiss Link full on the mouth.
"Mmm...orgasm..." Link mumbled. "Um...that was supposed to stay in my head."
"No secrets anymore," Saria decided for both of them.
"Right...um...the world's still gone."
"Oh, right," Saria remembered. "I'm on it."
The room reappeared. After a brief moment of stunned silence, the crowd started dancing violently again. Saria was now almost as tall as Link.
"Whoa..." Link gasped.
"Don't tell anyone I used dark magic to alter my height genes," Saria whispered. "This is better for kissing."
"No secrets, right?" Link smiled.
"I meant between us," Saria grinned back.
"Well, for the record, you look beautiful," Link confessed.
"You've always been beautiful," Saria replied. "In a guy kind of way."
"Erm, yeah...you've always been beautiful too...just more so now," Link corrected himself. "And in a girl kind of way."
"I love you too," Saria muffled her laughter. "By the way, have you seen Mido? He was supposed to come to the party."
"Uh, no," Link chuckled. "No, I haven't. I haven't seen him. Not really. I don't remember. Haven't seen Mido today..."
The two held each other close, dancing slowly through the groups of flailing Gorons and swaying Zoras. I quickly ended the story so I wouldn't have to deal with that whole Mido predicament. Or the thing about the Poe sisters. Let them dance.