Twelve months
Note: Takes place during the Oceanic 6 plot. Ignores everything after that.
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or any of the characters.
December
He was alone in a place where people were celebrating for the first time since he had lost all happiness and it was hard. It didn't matter what the occasion was because, even though it was closer to New Years than Christmas, the whole town was filled with a family mood, which only increased his feeling of loneliness and made his loss so much more real.
Wandering through the streets of Los Angeles was not his ideal way of spending the evening, but he could not spend more time in his hotel room without feeling claustrophobic. Ben's last assignment was dead and his plane would not leave for another two days. So there he was, in the town where he used to live with his now dead wife and with nothing to do for a few days. Wandering through the streets was just the lesser evil.
If he made sure to avoid every part of town that he had happy memories of and if he stuck to the less transited streets, then maybe he could successfully remain numb in the face of all the holiday cheer. Part of him thought that it was Ben's idea of psychological torture that he had to spend that particular week watching couples being happy and kissing each other in the town where he had once been happy himself.
Not really watching where he was going, he nearly did not see a woman with a stroller before he almost crashed into her. It was then that the past that he had been so careful to avoid since he joined Ben became unavoidable.
"Kate."
His voice was closer to an exhalation than to a normal statement, but his face did not show any surprise at seeing her there.
x.x.x.x
"Sayid."
Kate could not hide her surprise at seeing the former castaway standing in front of her. Sayid had disappeared after Nadia had died and nobody had heard of him since then. No phone call, no postcard, not even a post-it note to let them know that he was alive and not injured. And now, he was standing less than a metre away from her.
Kate could tell that he had changed. He looked much more dangerous than she remembered. Whatever calming influence Nadia had had on him was gone. Her death had also taken all hope away with it. Still, Kate knew him well enough to be able to see past that exterior. The fact that he could not hold her gaze and looked away when she looked into his eyes told her that whatever numbness and strength he was wearing as an armour was just that, an armour. An armour to protect the remaining pieces of his heart.
She decided there and then that she was not going to let him spend New Year's Eve alone. Jack had been gone for weeks and her house was only decorated for Aaron's sake. The baby, however, was very much asleep and unlikely to wake up for at least a few hours, so it would be just the two of them. Like those first few days on the island before the real problems had started, when they had thought that their greatest worry would be how to survive for a few days until they were rescued. She only had leftovers and had not planned to celebrate anything, but there was enough food in the fridge for two and it was early enough that take-out places were still open.
"Are you staying in town for long?"
Kate was asking for the sake of asking. She seriously doubted that he had any plans, as he had looked like he was not going anywhere specifically.
"A few days."
"You should come."
When he looked at her with a confused expression, Kate clarified. "Dinner. Tonight."
"This is a bad idea, Kate. You have your… family… and… I have to go."
His eyes softened a bit at the word "family", as if it were the most precious thing in the world. A second later, he turned to leave, but Kate grabbed his wrist and stopped him.
She knew he could have shaken her hand away if he had wanted to, but he just stayed still without daring to move his arm a single centimetre. It made Kate wonder if anyone had even touched him recently without any intention of hurting him.
"You're more than welcome to come. It's just Aaron and I anyway." That last bit was just added for his benefit. She could see how he might not have wanted to spend the evening with Jack and her, but she thought that he might not object too much if it was just her.
x.x.x.x
The struggle to insist on leaving or accepting her invitation was clearly visible on his face. It had been too long since he had allowed himself to feel anything for more than just a few minutes and Kate's invitation risked destroying everything. At the same time, he had been longing for some honest contact for so long, that the temptation was enormous. The question was whether he could go back to being Ben's stone-cold hired gun after spending the evening with a trusted friend and an innocent baby.
He decided he could not.
"I really have to go." He could not meet her eyes. Sayid knew that if he had, he might have agreed to stay with her.
x.x.x.x
Kate released his wrist knowing that she had lost. Pushing the issue might have given better results, but she did not want to force him to spend the night with her.
"Goodbye, Kate."
He turned to leave when Kate stopped him again.
"Wait. Could you at least let me know that you're ok? That you're still alive?"
"Why?"
"Because I care."
Sayid looked at Kate with an unreadable expression on his face. It took him a while to reach a conclusion of whatever internal debate he was having and Kate did not dare to breathe until he spoke again.
"Very well. I will… keep in touch if that is what you want."
.
.
January
The New Year came and passed and it still took a few weeks for Kate to hear back from Sayid. She knew that what he was doing was dangerous. She did not know the details, nor the name of his employer, if there was indeed such a person, but she knew that it was dangerous and maybe even quite life-threatening. This was one of the reasons why she had asked him to keep in touch. She truly wanted to know that he was still alive. The other one was that she wanted to give him hope and something good to do. Maybe if he thought that someone cared about his wellbeing, he would try harder to survive.
Kate should have known that Sayid was involved when she read that a man had been killed in Rome. In and on itself a murder in a big city was not strange, but the reason this particular violent death had appeared in an American newspaper was that the man in question was associated to one of the companies controlled by Charles Widmore.
A shiver ran thought Kate's back when she read that name, but she did not think much of the crime at first. After all, Charles Widmore had to have enemies. Penny had never outright said it, but his father being a dangerous man meant that some people had to be against him. Some equally dangerous people.
What clued Kate into what Sayid was doing was a postcard she received at the end of January. It was sent from Rome. And the cancellation mark showed a date that was very close to the murder of Widmore's man.
Kate closed her eyes when she made the connection. If Sayid was going against Charles Widmore, then it meant that he needed every possible encouragement to survive. One did not go against such a man without risking one's soul in the process. Especially not if one was alone. And that was exactly what Sayid was. Alone and waging a covert war against one of the most dangerous men on the planet.
She wondered for a moment if Widmore could have had something to do with Nadia's death. It was the only thing that made sense. Why would Sayid get the idea of going after him otherwise?
Kate looked at the postcard to see if there was a secret message somewhere, but it seemed that Sayid was really just letting her know that he was alive. The card showed the Colosseum and had a cheesy "I wish you were here" message printed over it in cartoony letters. What he had written on the back was just a very generic message telling her that the Flavian Amphitheatre was much more impressive in person than on pictures of magazines.
She knew him well enough to know that it was unlikely that he had chosen a card at random. What was printed on the card was likely to mean as much as if not more than what he had written himself.
It saddened and warmed her heart at the same time. Him being alone and wishing he had a friend by his side made her sad. But at the same time, she was glad that her idea had worked or, at least, was more or less working for the time being.
She decided to hang it on the fridge next to one of Aaron's artistic pieces to remind herself that he was still out there, even if it was somewhere in the world.
.
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February
It was a dark and cold night in Berlin and Sayid was feeling depressed after talking to Ben. He had not even been able to hold the tears while Ben was extracting the bullet from his shoulder. Of course, Ben had already known what Sayid had done. And what it had cost him. He probably had hundreds of spies, all coerced to serve him, following him. Ben had patched Sayid up, but cheering up was not something that he did. It simply was not in his nature and it was unlikely to ever be.
Then, Ben had even mocked him. Stupid enough to care for her. That is what Ben had said. He did not know what hurt him more, having cared for that woman and once again having lost someone he had cared for -and this time even at his own hand- or that he agreed with Ben.
He knew that he had been stupid. He had been so lonely that he had believed a young and attractive woman, without wondering if he could trust her. He had not even considered that he might be falling into a trap when he had tried to save her. He should have thought about it, at least about the possibility that Elsa could pass the information to her bosses, but he had been too worried about putting her life in danger. He had to admit that she had reminded him a bit of Shannon. Blond, thin, attractive and much more competent than many people would think just by looking at her.
He had not been able to bear losing someone else, so he had tried to save her, not realising that she was there to get information out of him. And to kill him. Which is how he had ended up with a gunshot wound on the shoulder. His shoulder had been burning and he had been almost unconscious when he had remembered the conversation that he had had with Kate on New Year's Eve. He had to live because he had told her that he would keep in touch and he could not keep in touch with anyone -maybe with the exception of Hurley- if he was dead. He had not actually promised her anything, but he saw it as a promise anyway.
So, with newly found resolution, he had tricked Elsa while he had gone for his gun and he had shot her before he could think twice about it. It had hurt him to kill that woman, so much that he had cried for the first time since Nadia had been murdered.
This is how he had found himself in a hotel room, provided by Ben, with an injured shoulder, in pain, both physically and emotionally, and unable to sleep. He knew what he needed or, rather, who he needed. He could call her. He knew her number. But he hesitated. Should he call her? Writing that postcard had not been difficult. The only effort had been finding the right one and he hoped that she had understood what he had not been able to bring himself to write. A phone call was different. While talking to Kate had always been easy, he did not know whether he had enough strength to tell her what had happened. What he had done and why.
He had taken out his cell phone and dialled Kate's number, but he had not pressed the call button. He needed her help, that much he knew. And he hoped that she would be willing to talk to him. She had said that she was his friend, but a few months of working for Ben had erased all meaning of friendship from his vocabulary. "Friend" was just an empty word for him now.
Before he could talk himself out of what he needed, Sayid pressed the button. He did not have to wait long before hearing Kate's voice on the other side of the phone line.
"Hello?"
"Kate?"
The voice was just a hoarse whisper, as if the person had not used his voice in a while. Or had been crying.
"Sayid?"
Kate's voice brightened when she heard that it was Sayid who was calling her. This, in turn, resulted in a small and barely audible sob from the other end of the line.
"Hey, is everything alright? Are you in trouble?"
"No… It is just… I wanted to…" Sayid stopped, sensing he had already said too much. He had second thoughts for a moment. He did not want to put her in danger, but, after this last mission, he had needed to hear her voice.
x.x.x.x
Kate did not know if the negative referred to the first question or the second and cursed at her bad timing at asking questions that had complete opposite meanings. He was either not alright or not in trouble. She did not know which one she preferred. And she had heard the sob and the tremble in his voice that Sayid was trying to stop.
"Sayid…" He interrupted her before she could finish what she was about to ask him.
"How is Aaron doing?"
Kate's thoughts stopped for a moment until she realised what was likely going on. He was not alright. Whatever had happened had left him wanting to connect with another person, so he had called her. Not to talk about himself, but to just hear her talking, so she proceeded to tell him every single random thing she could remember.
At some point she lost track of time, but she did not care. It was early enough that Aaron was still asleep and she did not have any pressing matters to attend to. What clued her in how long they had been talking to each other was Sayid's breathing. It was starting to be more even, as if he were falling asleep. She smiled. Aaron's antics had, for once, served a better purpose than making her sigh. She hoped that the boy was enough to give his mind a bit of peace.
"Sayid?"
"Hmmm?"
Yes, he was definitely falling asleep and had to be very tired if he had not remembered that he was talking on the phone.
"If you're not lying down on a bed, you should get to one. Your neck will be grateful in the morning."
"You should not worry about me."
Kate bit her lip and her eyes turned sad. She did not want to argue with him if he was that tired, so she did not press the issue, but she made a mental note to remind him that people cared as often as she could.
"That's what friends are for."
He did not say anything for a while, but she knew that her reply had put him at ease because his voice was very groggy again.
"Thank you."
With that, he hang up.
"Goodnight." Kate sighed and wished, for the umpteenth time, that things had been different for him.
.
.
March
What would Kate think about him? About what he was doing? About who he was working for? Kate had a lot of reasons to hate Ben and Sayid knew that. More reasons than he had. After all, he had not been the one who had been captured and put into an animal cage. He had not been the one who had had to leave the person he loved in order to escape. No, Kate had many more reasons to hate Ben than he did. He even had had the satisfaction to torture the man, which was an opportunity that Kate had never had. Not that he wished that Kate had tortured anyone, but he could think that he had had some sort of revenge, even if all that had happened before he truly knew who Ben was.
She had to know what kind of work he was doing. She was smart and, more importantly, she knew what he was capable of and had always been able to read him better than most.
The post card he had sent her from Italy had to have been a gigantic clue. The case had been all over the news. The man had been important in Italy, one of those middle-aged people who are somehow on the front pages of all the tabloids every few weeks. And his connection to Charles Widmore had not been a secret. He had read some American newspapers and they all had reported the death of that man. They also mentioned his work with Widmore. He knew that Kate read the newspapers and watched the news. They all did, probably to be able to anticipate any problems in case any mysterious islands or sudden survivors were ever mentioned. Nothing had appeared anywhere so far, but they all lived looking over their shoulders. Some of them less metaphorically than others.
When he was feeling positive, he knew that Kate would not hate him for it. She had done bad things for good reasons herself, so she would understand. But he could never quite stop the little voice in his head that wondered if she really would. He was eliminating Widmore's men before they could harm or threaten the rest of the Oceanic Six, so she had never been put in danger yet. She had not hated him after he had tortured Sawyer. She had even asked him to stay. Not in so many words, but the meaning of what she had said had been very clear. She had not hated him after he had tortured Ben either. But would she really believe that he was helping them? And more importantly, would she agree with the price being paid for her safety?
On the days when he was seeing the glass half empty, he was sure that Kate hated him now and that she had only picked up the phone out of some sense of duty or because she was afraid that he would put them all in danger. Deep down he knew that it was not true, but he could not avoid this train of thought because what Kate definitely did not know was what he had done just before calling her. How he had killed Elsa still weighed down on his mind. This is what he could never tell her. How he had killed someone he had cared about.
.
.
April
Ben's latest assignment had brought Sayid to Greece. It had been easy. He had been given a location and a name and he had gone to meet the man at a a very quiet location he frequently passed through going home from work. Then, he had raised his gun and killed him silently, hidden by the late hour and the lack of loud noise that his silencer provided. It had been when he had retrieved the item that Ben needed him to clean that all his problems had started.
He had killed people who had families before. Being realistic about it, many of the people he had killed had to have had some relative out there. He did not know who had been waiting for Elsa at home, maybe a parent or a sibling, but he was sure who was never going to see again the man he had just killed.
He generally had a policy against knowing who his targets were if it was not critical for the job. A name and a place were usually more than enough for him to carry out Ben's plan.
Today, something had not gone according to the plan. Ben would deny this, of course, as everything had happened the way he had wanted it to happen, but Sayid had learned too much about his target. Much more than he would have liked. This was the reason why he was beating himself up in a new hotel room in a different country. He had needed to escape Athens right after he had finished his job. He did not want to see the picture of the man's family on the local newspapers. He avoided the news. He did not speak Greek anyway, so there was no need for him to turn on the television. He had travelled north and had crossed the border to Albania as soon as he had been able to. Ben had to have had people watching him the whole time because when he had gone back to his hotel room, he had found a new address and the number of a room for a small town in Albania. His need to escape his latest ghost had been so big, that he had not thought twice about it.
This is the part of his new life that Kate would not have agreed with so easily. The people that he left behind. The little girl that would never see his father again. Why did these kind of people have to have pictures of their children on their cell phones? It would have been so much easier if wiping the man's phone had made him aware of the existence of some beautiful landscape.
This is what scared him the most. Not the killing of people that most human beings would describe as thugs. Those were easy. He had killed before. He had no problem with taking a life. It was the people who called their children and wives to wish them a good day, who looked normal and who should have never been involved in shady businesses. It was those who did not know how lucky they were to have a family they loved and who loved them back, the ones who had innocent people attached to them. They were the ones who posed a problem. Not in the terms of killing -the killing was done-, but in terms of justifying it to himself. There was only so much you could try to convince yourself of when you did not see the danger.
This time, he could not call Kate, no matter how much he needed it. He had brought himself to call her after Elsa, but he could not bring himself to do it this time. He would have to go on on his own if he did not want to crush someone else's soul and he could never live with himself if he became responsible for the destruction of the one person he still cared about.
.
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May
Kate jumped when the telephone rang. People did not usually call her. And most certainly people did not call her so late. No decent human being would call past sunset unless it was a close friend or relative or an emergency. Since she did not have many of the former, it had to be the latter. The caller ID listed an unknown number, so she picked up praying that Sayid was alright.
"Kate." The voice on the other side of the line made her blood freeze. It was a voice that she had hoped never to hear again after leaving the island. Benjamin Linus. The most manipulative person that she had ever known and she had known a few.
"What do you want?" She did not even bother phrasing her question as a polite question instead of as a demand. There was no need for politeness or small talk with such a man.
"Why so angry, Kate? And to think I'm calling to help you. Well, not you per se, but you will be grateful. Unfortunately, we don't have time to catch up if you want to keep hearing back from a common acquaintance or, should I say, your latest best friend?"
If hearing Ben's voice had frozen Kate's blood, the reason for his call almost stopped her heart. She must have emitted some audible sound of distress because Ben kept going as if he knew what her exact feelings about the issue were.
"Yes, he is in some serious trouble."
"How do I know that you're not lying?"
"You don't. But if you value his life, you will do as I say."
Ben must have taken her silence as confirmation to proceed because he kept talking after a pause without waiting for a verbal cue.
"He's at the docks and working alone. There are four targets. All armed but not too strongly. Your friend is being held inside a cargo container. Navy blue. Number fourteen. Dock eleven. He's not going to live through the night, so you better don't take too much time to think about it if you want to leave Aaron with someone and want Sayid to live. I trust you know what to do."
With that, Ben hung up.
Kate did not think about it at all. Ben knew her number and she was sure that he also knew where she lived. If he wanted to set up a trap for her there were much easier methods. She could not risk it being true anyway.
She run to where a sleeping Aaron was lying peacefully in his crib, took him carefully so as not to wake him and put him in his chair in the car. She then took a bag that was discreetly hidden behind a big plant near the door and put it under her legs in the driver's seat.
She dialled Hurley's number while she was driving and hoped that he could take care of Aaron for a few hours. She could not leave him with Jack and Sun was a few countries away, so her choices were limited.
He picked up after a few seconds and Kate described the situation as shortly as possible. She only told him that a friend was in trouble and needed her help and that she had nobody she could leave Aaron with. Hurley probably sensed her worry because he did not ask any questions. He told her where to park and where he would meet her instead. Apparently, he was quite gifted at coming in and out of the mental institution undetected. He also told her where she could pick up Aaron again when the crisis had been averted. It turned out that Hurley was much more resourceful than she had ever given him credit for.
After leaving Aaron with Hurley, Kate drove to the docks and parked her car a few streets away where it would not draw too much attention. She then slowly made her way to where Ben had told her that the cargo container was located.
Even though it was dark, finding the navy blue one with the number fourteen proved to be a very easy task. It was the one guarded by the armed men that Ben had mentioned. Kate soon noticed a problem though. Ben had listed four men, but she could only see three. The fourth one could be inside doing who knows what to Sayid or he could be somewhere else.
Kate decided to get a bit closer to see if she could hear something else. She was coming from a side and all three men were looking to what was in front of them, so they did not see her moving in the dark. She did not dare take out the three men without having located the fourth one first. All this, of course, assuming that she could kill three people before any of them warned their fourth buddy. There was another risk though. Ben had said four people were the enemies, but what if he was wrong? What if one of them had called someone else and Sayid died before she could rescue him?
Kate closed here eyes for a moment and wished that she were not alone. Being alone meant making all the decisions on your own, without there being anyone who could point out any flaws or stop you from doing something rash and very brave, but highly stupid.
There were sounds coming from the container, but they were muffled and Kate could not tell how many people were inside. Just that one of them -Sayid probably- seemed to be in pain.
When she had acquired a gun with a silencer, Kate had never thought that she would end up truly needing it one day. She had only got it for protecting herself and Aaron in any situation where noise had to be avoided at all cost. Going on a one-person rescue mission to save Sayid of all people had never entered her thoughts. On the island he had always been by her side doing the rescuing instead of needing it.
Kate noticed that the three hostiles did not have any radios on them, so she was about to risk killing them, when the door opened. Sayid stepped out first, followed by the fourth armed man. Sayid's hands were tied in front of him and he looked as if he had taken a heavy beating. Even with the lack of light Kate was able to see that his breathing was shallow and that he was limping a bit.
Luckily for Kate and for Sayid, the leader obviously ordered the other three men to stay back guarding whatever else was in the container because he led Sayid alone away from them. It was far away enough and they had turned enough times that they were completely out of sight of anyone else. This made Kate's task much easier.
When the man pushed Sayid to the ground and raised his gun, Kate aimed and shot before the man did. Sayid flinched when he heard the muffled sound of her silencer and turned around when he did not feel a bullet piercing his skull.
Kate would have laughed at the look on his face if the situation had not been so serious. She was clearly the last person he expected to see. She didn't have time to laugh though. She took the gun out of the man's dead hands and fired a shot after releasing Sayid to avoid making the other three men suspicious. It was not much, but it would buy them a bit of time.
"Are you alright?" Her whispered question had an obvious answer, but she had to ask anyway.
"I am fine. You do not need to worry."
Kate saw through Sayid's lie. If he had been as fine as he was saying, he would have freed himself from that one man on his own. She had heard of how he had killed one of Ben's men on the beach. He would have also been able to stand up without her help. It worried her how weak he seemed to be when she had to pull most of his weight to lift him off the ground. Kate noticed that he was also trembling. It was a bit chilly, but he was wearing a jacket. His voice did not ease Kate's worry either. It was not a whisper because of their need to be quiet. Sayid really looked as if he was barely able to speak.
"Can you walk?"
Kate had seen him walk earlier, but she did not know how much strength he had left in him. They had to be very silent and fast if they wanted to get the upper hand. The element of surprise was theirs for now, but they could lose it if the three remaining enemies noticed that anything was amiss.
Sayid did not answer her question, but came up with one himself. "What about the other three?"
"Stay here. I'll deal with them." She gave him one of the guns and was not the least bit surprised when she felt him limping behind her. Of course he would never leave her to deal with three people who were after him on her own. Kate sighed, but did not try to dissuade him.
When they could see the men, Kate stopped.
"I'll kill the two on the left. First one and then the other two."
Sayid nodded. A silent gun would act as a surprise and obviously neither of them wanted to reveal their position if they didn't have to.
Getting rid of the three armed men turned out to be very easy. They were apparently not as professional as they had seemed to be and had relaxed and lost all their concentration after hearing that shot earlier. None of them had considered the possibility of Sayid escaping. And why would they? He had been barely able to breathe properly and walking fast had been entirely out of the question for him.
Getting Sayid back to the car was, however, not that easy. Even though he insisted that he was fine and that he did not need any medical attention, it was clear that he did. When they reached Kate's car, Sayid was only just strong enough to open the door and fall on the passenger seat.
"No hospital," he said as he buckled himself.
"We're going back to my place then. No arguments."
Sayid did not argue, which troubled Kate much more than his general state. Any other day he would have insisted on going back to whatever hotel room Ben had provided for him and patching himself up.
"Thank you, Kate."
He smiled weakly at her, which made Kate realise that he was genuinely grateful to be alive, which was a great improvement from the time she had met him on New Year's Eve. He looked very peaceful and Kate wondered if it was all for her benefit, to make her feel better. He had to have noticed her worry. As much as she had learnt to hide her feelings, real worry had always been difficult for her. She had never had that many people to care about.
Sayid tried to keep himself active and awake during the whole journey and never stopped looking at the mirrors to see if anyone was following them, even though every movement seemed to be very painful for him. Kate noticed that he never managed to hide his pain convincingly enough. His movements were very stiff and carefully slow, as if he was not able to do much more now that the adrenaline-fuelled strength was fading in the safety of her car.
"Nobody is following us and I'm taking the scenic route back. If someone's there, we'll know it."
Kate wanted to reassure him, to get him to relax a bit, but her words did not stop him from looking at her mirrors every few seconds.
"Aaron?"
"With Hurley."
Kate noticed Sayid's surprise on his face, so she continued. "I couldn't leave him with Jack. Jack's not… He's different now."
It was obvious that Sayid did not know anything about this. He must have noticed Jack's absence at Hurley's birthday party, back when life was still easy, but Kate supposed that he had assumed that it had been temporary. After all, Jack had had nothing to worry about. He had been a successful surgeon before crashing on the island and leaving the island should not have changed that.
Kate braced herself for the logical next question, but it did not come. She realised that Sayid trusted her to know what was best for Aaron. He respected her choice about leaving the toddler with a patient of a mental institution instead of with someone who was supposed to be a stable doctor. They both knew that Hurley was not insane anyway and the big man was more than capable of defending the boy. Hurley would never put Claire's son in danger.
In a way, Aaron not being there made things much easier. He was old enough to start asking questions. Not old enough to notice everything that was going on around him, but old enough to be a witness. But with him out of the house Kate could focus on just one person who needed her instead of having to divide her time between two people. She felt bad for a moment. Aaron was not a burden and she had never thought of him as one, but dealing with danger and a toddler might have turned out to be a catastrophe.
When they reached Kate's house, it was late enough that every single neighbour had gone to bed already. Even so, Kate drove into her garage to avoid being seen helping an injured person out of her vehicle. The last thing she wanted was to have to answer awkward questions from her neighbours. Both their faces were much too famous to be ignored.
This was even more difficult than helping Sayid get into her car. He leaned on her more and more until they reached her bed. She would usually have questioned the wisdom of having a man in her bed, but it was much closer than the guest bedroom and the couch in the living room was too uncomfortable for a tortured person. Sayid was in enough pain as it was. If he noticed that he was not in a spare bedroom, he did not make any comments about it. He was barely conscious as they reached the bed anyway, but he did not lie down.
Kate helped him out of his jacket and his shirt. She almost smiled when she noticed that underneath the shirt was a very familiar black sleeveless undershirt. It was apparently not just something he wore on the island. Kate looked at Sayid asking him for permission and then carefully lifted the last item of clothing.
She gasped when she saw his skin. She had seen the bruises on his face and his split lip, but it had not prepared her for what the rest of his body would show. Big bruises were already starting to be noticeable, which made her wonder exactly how much time had passed between his capture and Ben's phone-call. Some of the injuries on his stomach suggested some form of electrical burning and there were a few shallow but surely painful cuts on his chest. His back looked more or less the same way.
"It is nothing that a night of sleep cannot cure." He even managed to erase most of the pain from his face this time to reassure her once again.
Tears welled up in her eyes at that. He was injured, in pain and barely awake and he was still more worried about her than about himself.
"I've got something that might help." With that she turned around and went to the bathroom before he could see her tears.
Kate came back with a cream to soothe the bruises and iodine for the rest of his injuries. She sat down next to him on the bed and cleaned his back as carefully as she could manage. Then, she helped him lie down on the bed and did the same thing with his chest and stomach.
As much as Sayid tried not to move when the gauze touched his burned skin, he could not avoid flinching and getting as stiff as a board a few times. Every time she caused him more pain she apologised and gently squeezed the hand that she was holding with hers.
"It is alright. You are not hurting me."
It was not what he said, but the way he said it what reassured her. The way in which he emphasised the "you". This was not a lie anymore. He was admitting that he was in pain, but was absolving her from any blame at the same time.
Finally, Kate felt Sayid's body relax when she was applying the cream to a huge bruise over his ribs. He had fallen asleep and, injuries aside, it was the first time since Nadia had died that she had seen him looking like a normal person. He looked truly at peace for the first time in many months and Kate found herself hoping that his sleep would be undisturbed by nightmares and that the horrors of his past would not take hold of him for once.
She doubted whether to take off his trousers or not, but decided to leave them where they were. As friendly as they were with each other, she did not want to find out whether he wore any underwear and all his injuries seemed to be on his upper body anyway. Kate lifted the legs of the trousers just in case, to make sure that her assumptions were correct. He was fine with the exception of a slightly swollen ankle that she quickly brought ice for.
When she was sure that there was nothing else that she could do, Kate covered him with a blanket taking great care not to wake him up and brought a chair to the bed. She had no intention of leaving him alone that night.
.
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June
Kate was having a bad day and it was not over yet. Jack had called her a few hours before, slightly drunk, or at least she hoped that it was just slightly, to talk and then had just rambled about some nonsense that he was unlikely to remember. Also, Aaron had got ill and she had spent the last few days looking after a cranky sick toddler who was still not fully recovered. To say that her birthday had been a disaster so far would be a euphemism.
Having to take care of a sick toddler, she had forgotten her birthday altogether until Hurley had called her. He was the kind of person who could always be trusted to remember any reason for a celebration. He had even been kind enough to offer to have a big cake for her if she visited him, but she had refused, worried that Aaron's sickness could be contagious. At least that was what she had told Hurley. While it was not exactly a lie, it was not the full truth either. She was miserable enough that she did not even want any company and was just hoping for the day to be over, so that she could head back to bed. On some days, getting up was not worth it.
This is exactly what she was getting ready to do when the doorbell rang. Kate cursed, but did not go to the door, hoping that whoever was there would get the hint and leave.
A second ring told Kate that they had not. Still in pyjamas -after all, why should she change considering that she was not expecting anyone?- Kate dragged herself to the door and opened it fully ready to yell and insult the person who was on the other side of it.
She did not yell or insult anyone in the end. She did not say anything at all either. She was so surprised that she could only stare. On the other side of the door was Sayid holding what looked like two small single-person cakes, one in each hand and something else in a bag hanging from his wrist.
"I take it you were not expecting anyone?" Sayid noticed that she looked too surprised to speak, so he started the conversation.
"Aaron's sick," blurted out Kate.
"So your day is not going too well." He looked at her pyjamas and Kate wondered for a moment if she should be embarrassed. She should not. She was too tired to be embarrassed. Instead, she smiled when she heard what Sayid said next.
"I know that it is late, but if the cakes stay in this heat much longer, the chocolate is not going to remain solid for long. Neither will the ice cream."
Kate stepped aside and let the man get inside her house. He still did not look as happy as she remembered from Hurley's birthday party, but he seemed to be much more relaxed than she had seen him recently. Not that she had seen him since the previous month, but it was the first time in a while that he seemed to be almost at peace.
"There's leftover pizza in the fridge that I can heat up if you're hungry. I'm afraid I don't have anything else I can offer you, other than baby food and something in cans."
"That is alright. We can eat dessert. There is plenty of it."
Kate laughed at the idea of watching Sayid eating chocolate cake topped with chocolate ice cream. He had to have eaten something sweet at Hurley's party, but she could not remember what. Certainly not something that looked like death by chocolate. That was comfort food and she could not imagine Sayid eating comfort food, no matter how much he might need it.
She went into the kitchen and fetched two bowls and two spoons. She hoped that Sayid bringing two mini cakes meant that he was staying for the strange dinner. Kate considered the possibility of plates, which sounded much more adult than bowls, but if the ice cream was a liquid as Sayid had implied, then she preferred not to risk having to clean the floor, which would happen with plates. She took one to set beneath the ice cream container though. And napkins. Enough napkins to deal with semi-solid chocolate.
When she emerged from the kitchen, Kate saw that Sayid had carefully unpackaged the small cakes on the table in front of the television. She did not know how he had known that she was feeling miserable, but an evening sitting on the couch with Sayid was a great improvement and a nice birthday present. He even seemed to be making an effort to look happy and careless, even though he was not quite managing it. Well, Kate supposed that the intention was what truly mattered. And who knew? Maybe he would be happy by the end of the evening. Or by the next day, if Kate could persuade him to crash in her guest room.
"Let me help you with that."
As soon as he saw that she was carrying all the dishes and cutlery, he went over to where she was standing and took half of the items from her arms and put them on the table. He then reached into the pocket of his jacket and showed her a candle that made her laugh out loud. Sayid's eyes softened at her reaction.
Kate did not know where he had found it or how long it had taken him to find such a thing, but on top of her cake was now a candle in the shape of a small deserted island. With a palm tree. That was about to be set on fire.
"Shall we light this island?"
Kate nodded enthusiastically and Sayid reached into the pocket of his trousers and pulled out a lighter. Then, he proceeded to light the candle-slash-island. Instead of blowing it out, Kate joined Sayid on the couch and they both watched the candle slowly melting into nothing. It was oddly satisfying, as if watching a fake island disappear made the very real island in their thoughts disappear as well.
And then, Kate felt guilty because she remembered that Sawyer was still on the island. Sawyer, and a lot of other people that they had left behind.
"Happy birthday, Kate."
He spoke with a softness in his voice that got Kate back from the island in her thoughts into the real world again. When she looked into his eyes, Kate did not see Jack or Sawyer anymore. Her problems were all gone for a moment and only Sayid remained. He had taken time out of his more than busy schedule to find the perfect candle for a cake and the perfect dessert to bring to her before her birthday was over.
"Thank you."
Kate had to look away at that because her thoughts had taken a new turn and she had suddenly started to wonder how the chocolate would taste on Sayid's lips after their "dinner" was over.
"De we pour the ice cream over it then?"
"Pour?"
Kate was confused for a moment until Sayid showed her the ice cream container. What was in it looked closer to chocolate milkshake than ice cream.
"Sure, why not."
In the end, Sayid did not crash in her spare bedroom. He told her that he had to be up very early and that he did not want to wake her up. In any case, he had a hotel room in town and it would be a good idea for him to return to it.
x.x.x.x
Sayid's voice had a tinge of regret that he could not hide as successfully as he had wanted. He would have liked to stay at Kate's house, but the risk was too high, although Ben probably knew where he was by now, no matter how good he had been at losing all his tails.
.
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July
Kate was in bed when she was woken up by a sudden bark. The man who delivered the mail to her street had retired a few weeks before and his replacement had changed the order of the delivery route. Or was much faster. The result was that she was still asleep when the neighbour's dog started barking at the mail man. She could not truly blame the dog for her rude awakening, as it was well past her usual breakfast time. Aaron had not woken her up demanding food for once. She smiled at that. Believing that a toddler was learning the beauty of sleeping in during the holidays was obviously giving herself false hope, but she would enjoy Aaron's late wake up time while it lasted. It meant that she could sleep longer too. She figured that since she was awake, she could pick up the mail and give an early start to her late day.
Kate did not know what to think when she found an old post card in her mail box. Her first thought when she saw the yellowed picture was that the mail man had delivered it to the wrong address. After all, if she didn't know anyone who was over sixty and who would be willing to talk to her, she certainly didn't know anyone around that age who would want to send her anything. This is when she noticed what the card showed. It was a town that clearly belonged to a foreign country and the picture had not been taken as long ago as she had initially thought.
She turned it around and what she saw made her smile. The explanation printed on the card was in Arabic, but Sayid had written what she guessed was a translation beneath it. It read "Tikrit, Iraq." Next to it, as if he had thought about it later, he had added "80s".
The body of the card was not much longer. Sayid's nice handwriting just told her that he had found the card in an old shop and that he wanted to show it to her.
The text made her smile wider. It was one of the sweetest things she had ever received. Sayid could have kept the card for himself and it probably meant much more to him than it could ever mean to her, but he had chosen to send it to her instead. It was also likely to be one of the most personal messages that he had ever sent to anyone lately -or ever- with the exception of Nadia.
She took the card inside before any neighbours could see her smile and ask her about it. While she tried to keep to herself and had turned giving empty and ambiguous replies into an art, some people were relentless in their prying. If anyone saw that she was smiling about a piece of mail, some of her neighbours would never stop asking her about the mysterious sender. She was sure that someone had to have seen Sayid at her doorstep the previous month, but luckily nobody had commented anything. At least not in front of her.
Kate went straight to her bedroom. The first postcard Sayid had sent her had been put on her fridge, but this one was too precious to risk getting any grease spots on it, so she put it in the only place that she considered completely safe. The one place that Jack had never known about, which was a small flat box beneath a lot of underwear in a drawer of her bedside table.
It was her secret space and although nothing in it had any material value, it contained the only things that meant anything to her. Tom's toy plane that had somehow survived the island in the pocket of her trousers, a cheap necklace that her mother had given her as a child, a very worn picture that showed a young version of herself and the man she had always thought had been her biological father. And now there was also the post card of Sayid's home. Kate looked at the contents and a thought struck her. There was nothing that reminded her of Jack there.
Kate looked around the bedroom that had also been Jack's once and realised that there was nothing there that had belonged to the doctor. Nothing at all. She wondered if there had ever been anything other than clothes that had belonged to him. She couldn't think of anything. Anything remotely personal anyway. Jack had bought Aaron some toys. That was something she was sure of. But everything else that had belonged to Jack had disappeared, even though she could not remember throwing away anything. Maybe he had taken everything with him after all. Or maybe she had never even realised that she was getting rid of his belongings.
.
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August
The end of August found Kate in a melancholic mood. She hadn't heard anything from Sayid since he had sent her that post card and she was starting to be worried. That had been at the beginning of July and it was already the end of August. She had got used to his monthly presence and missed it.
Hurley, sweet and cheerful Hurley, had fallen. Their secret had destroyed him. He had not been able to keep lying and had checked himself into a mental institution.
Their secret had destroyed Jack too. He had started drinking and flying around the world with the hope of crashing and going back to the island.
Sun had changed as well. The nice and quietly strong woman Kate remembered from the island had become ruthless and even cold at times. The only moments when Kate had seen anything resembling the old Sun had been when she had addressed her daughter or Aaron. Kate knew that she was partly at fault for that. She hadn't gone back for Sun's husband as she had said she would. The other part of the blame laid with not having been able to talk to anyone about her husband's death. Not about the fact that he had died, but about how he had died. Their secret had destroyed her too.
And Locke, who knew where Locke even was? She only knew that the bald man had managed to leave the island because of a conversation that she had had with Jack once. But who knew what Locke was ever up to anyway? He had never made sense on the island and she doubted that he made any more sense off it.
Sayid was different though. Their secret had not destroyed him. He had changed, but she could see something in Sayid that she had not been able to see in any other member of the Oceanic Six. Sayid was still himself. Deep beneath the coldness and the anger and the grief he was still the man that she remembered from the island.
Maybe it was due to their lives. Different circumstances, sure, but a similar outcome. They both had had to adapt during their nomadic lifestyle. Live a lie. Be someone else for long enough that adapting and lying or embellishing the truth had become second nature to them.
Maybe it was due to hope.
Whatever the reason, they would survive. No matter what happened next.
.
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September
Kate could not help but wonder what kind of price Sayid was paying to keep them all safe. The man had a soul. She knew that he had one, no matter how much he always tried to hide it. They had exchanged very few words since she had seen him last December, but she could see how his new job was affecting him.
It was not just losing Nadia. It was everything that he was doing for Ben what was slowly killing all his humanity. She could see that, just as she could see that he was much stronger than the rest of them. And she could also see how much he cherished the small moments when he felt safe enough that he could just be himself.
His recovery and her birthday, even though he had not stayed long in either occasion had proved to her how much he needed those small breaks from working with Ben.
At least Kate knew that Sayid was still alive. Another post card had told her this. This one had been sent from Sydney. She had raised an eyebrow at the irony of Ben's assignment having taken him back to where it all had started what now felt as if it had happened an eternity ago. What could he have felt boarding a plane at that airport? Had it even been a plane this time or had he preferred a boat to stay on the safe side? Had he even noticed it or had he been so tired, both physically and mentally, that he had not even cared?
More than anything, Kate wanted to talk to him again. She had a phone that he had given to her after she had saved him at the L.A. docks, but he had been very clear about its use. Emergencies only. As much as she wanted to hear his voice again, it was not an emergency. Kate did not want to put his life in danger if he was too busy to pick up.
This left her only one possible choice and it was the most difficult thing that she had done recently: hope. Most people would prefer not being in danger, but Kate was not most people. She had had the dubious honour of having tried both situations and she knew which one she preferred. Being in danger was easy, especially if there was no time to think too much about it. Being safe at home, waiting, was much more complicated. It meant that she had time. Way too much time to think about Sayid and it certainly didn't help that she could imagine plenty of dangers happening to him. Even having to take care of a toddler was not being distracting enough. Aaron could be a handful sometimes, but he still left her too much time to worry about her friend.
This is how she had found herself worrying about Sayid's soul. She knew what kind of despair the new month would bring and she hoped that he would call her if he needed to talk to someone and to feel less alone. She hoped that he would get in touch with anyone he could. It did not even have to be her, although not knowing would not put her at ease. Anybody he trusted would do though. This was about helping him, not herself. Somehow, she doubted that he would reach out to anyone else, maybe not to anyone at all, and it filled her heart with more sadness than she thought was possible.
.
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October
He did not want to sleep. Not today. Never today. Staying awake was the only option.
It had been a year.
A year since he had lost his one chance at redemption.
A year since he had lost hope.
A year since he had lost Nadia.
A year since he had started working for Ben.
How had it come to this?
How could he possibly have allowed Ben to trick him into working for him?
He should probably say "killing", which is what he was doing, but he decided to allow himself a moment of euphemisms. After all that had happened, he was definitely allowed a moment of lies. Lying had become a vital part of him anyway. Well before he had met Ben. Well before he had boarded that Oceanic plane. You could not be a normal person and torture countless numbers of people and feel nothing without lying. He had lied to himself so well while he had been in the army, that it had taken someone who knew him before the lies to snap him out of that state of mind. A state of mind he had obviously fallen back into.
See? He was lying again. There had been no tricks when he had asked Ben who was next. He had volunteered. Nobody had forced him or deceived him. He had been in pain and had preferred anger instead. Anger had been easier than pain. Destroying had been easier than creating. And how could he have created himself again when Widmore's men had destroyed everything he cared about? What was left to rebuild when his heart had been shattered beyond repair?
He laughed bitterly remembering how he had left the other castaways and had gone on a self-imposed exile after torturing Sawyer. His past self would be appalled at seeing what he was doing with his time now. Nadia would too. She was the reason that promise had been made. The promise that he had broken so many times since then.
What would she think of him if she saw him now?
If she saw what he had become?
For whom he was working?
It seemed fitting in a very ironic way that she had saved him from himself once and that her death had reversed all the good that she had done for his soul. The universe had a very dark sense of humour.
This was going wrong. Thinking about her was what he had been trying to avoid. This is what not sleeping was supposed to accomplish. He did not have his past anymore and remembering was not something that he wanted to do. Ever.
This is why he had been ignoring his phone today. He had seen the missed call. Kate had obviously wanted to check up on him. To see how he was doing. To just chat, even though he had only given her his number for emergencies. Nobody else had it. Not even Ben knew about it. At least he hoped that Ben did not know.
He cared that Kate had called. Much more than he would ever be able to tell her. She had remembered even though he had never told her the exact day. She must have heard it on the news or done some research to figure out when Nadia had died. And she had called him. She had cared enough to try to get in touch with him today.
But he could not call her back or pick up. Not today. If he did, he might just turn up at her doorstep and never leave. He had to resist that. For everybody's sake. What he was doing working for Ben was keeping everybody else safe. He could not compromise that or he would have to face the possibility of more deaths. More ghosts to torture his sleep and his thoughts on the anniversaries of their passing.
Tomorrow, he would find a post card of the town where he was staying. Something that showed life and warmth instead of the artificialness of his hotel room and the despair currently ruling over his heart. A Christmas market maybe. They were famous in this part of the world, so there had to be cards of them. After all, it was almost November. Didn't people start shopping for presents in November or even October? Yes, there had to be nice cards somewhere.
Then, he would write one word, just one word -"thanks"- and the date. The date was important to get the message across and he hoped that Kate would understand what he could not say. Putting everything on paper would make it real and he could not allow himself to feel. "Too much," his mind supplied. Even his brain was betraying him. It was not allowing him to lie to himself once more. His brain was right. He had started to feel again when he had met Kate last December. To feel something other than anger and emptiness.
But this would be tomorrow.
Today, he would try to keep his mind blank, a battle that he was losing, if he had not already lost, and erase the day from his world.
.
.
November
Kate had been a bit worried about Sayid. He had not picked up the phone when she had called him at the end of the previous month and she had not heard back from him either. No text. No card. No phone call. Not even a small post-it note mysteriously appearing glued to the front page of her newspaper. Nothing. Absolute radio silence.
She understood why he might not have picked up when she had called him, but she would like to know that he was still alive. If he was still alive. No, not "if". "If" was the wrong word. Sayid had to be alive. She could not lose him now. They had survived the crash on a deserted island. They had survived the smoke monster. And they had survived Ben and his men. Even the explosion of the freighter had not killed them.
Both of them had to survive because if they did not, then that meant that there was no hope anymore. There was nobody else that she could count on. Not anymore. Her mother was terrified of her and what she had done, Jack was gone, not dead, but he might as well have been, and she could not reach her father. He would try to help her if she needed it, but his hands would most likely be tied. That left only Sayid.
Kate had called him to check up on him and to give him a distraction and a reason to think about anything other than what had happened on that day a year before. To give him some sort of hope if he was in the middle of one of Ben's mysterious and probably highly dangerous jobs and, she hoped, to maybe give him a reason to be careful instead of brave and reckless. She had heard from Jack how Sayid had attacked Ana Lucia and Ecko when Shannon had died. It had been very brave, but not the smartest thing in the world. She did not want to think about how the anniversary of Nadia's death could affect him if he was going after someone working for the man responsible for it. No, it was better not to think about it because if Sayid had tried to kill Ana Lucia when he had someone -Nadia- to live for, then he could do anything if he thought that his life was meaningless. It was not, and she hoped that he knew it.
The first thing she saw when she opened her mail box was a card of a Christmas market and some words in what she guessed was German lying on top of the newspaper. She had no idea what they meant, but she guessed that it was related to Christmas.
She took it home and turned the card around. This is when she saw the date when it had been written. It was the day after she had called him in October. There was only one word underneath the date: "Thanks". No signature. The card was as anonymous as all the others that she had received from Sayid had been, but the penmanship was unmistakably his. Kate smiled. He had noticed her call and had understood what she had meant with it. While this did not say anything about his current state of aliveness, it was a great relief to receive anything from him. Anything that suggested that he was still alive and hopefully relatively well was a good thing.
As it had happened with the Italian post card, the card itself was likely to mean a lot. It looked like a Christmas market, so what did Christmas mean for most people? Happiness, family reunions, home? None of them meant much to her, but the general meaning was what mattered. There were kids on the card too. Innocence. She guessed that Sayid had picked the warmest card that he had found, which was not easy seeing as tourist shops usually had the regular pictures of sites or cards with cheesy messages.
The post card proved that he did know that his life was not meaningless or at least that he knew that someone cared. It was a good thing that none of their mail had been lost. If she had had to spend more weeks than usual wondering about his whereabouts, she might have thought of doing something dangerous, such as trying to track him down, which might have proved to be impossible and completely unrealistic for a woman who was in charge of a small child.
Aaron clearly noticed the change in his mother's mood because when Kate looked up from the card, she was faced with a grinning toddler who was playing with his food instead of even trying to eat it. Kate sighed, but the post card had put her in a mood that was too good to chastise Aaron too severely. She tried to look at him in a stern way, but failed miserably when she could not keep the smile from her face.
.
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December
He felt better than he had in ages, much better than he had thought possible after Nadia had died, and he had not even tried to talk himself out of what he was about to do one single time. He was ready.
Feeling a bit nervous, Sayid knocked on the front door.
"Come in."
Kate smiled at him and stepped aside to let him into her house, where he saw that a second dish at the table. He did not have to ask to know that it was for him. The way that Kate had welcomed him was enough indication.
Sayid smiled at this and this time it reached his eyes. This was the first completely real smile in over a year. It had taken him twelve months to find a balance between working for Ben and being a human being. It had taken him twelve months to realise that he was not alone.