A/N: I disclaim

So…What's crackalacking? I said that to in a letter to my American Pen-Pal, and she said that I was "Too White" to talk like that. She said she loved me, but if I was at all concerned about her not having a laugh-attack that ended her life when she choked on her gum, I would never write that on paper that she saw. That's awfully prejudiced for an American. Aren't they all supposed to be laid back and accepting?

That's a stereotype Lily

Yes I know it's a Stereotype Roy, but I don't effin CARE!

Roy is my diary. My hot diary. My hot diary that was a present from my friend, Kat, Kathryn St. Clair. She's the daughter of a lawyer and a guidance councilor for juvenile delinquents. So she has little file cabinets instead of brains, and those file cabinets can diagnose your mental issues.

She says I have anger management issues. And I have to manage my issues by writing them down or some such nonsense. IDK! No, IDC! I don't care!

But for now, I have Roy. And if I don't write in him, he'll come out and start hitting on the next living thing until I write at least 20 minutes. And he'll be very hot. I don't want to lose Roy. Roy is the hottest thing ever.

It's okay Lily, you don't have to worry, I love you most

Hehe…Okay Roy, I believe you. You're my best boi.

So that's Roy. He was charmed to talk back to me sometimes and I rather like him. He appears however I picture my dream boy at the time. He changes almost everyday…today he has sky blue eyes, bleach blond hair, and pale skin, with slightly rosie cheeks. He's built like a football player. European football, not American Football. He's tall, with a strongish build and broadish shoulders. Yesterday he was a skater, with punk rockish hair. Hehe…he's always a pretty boy. He always has blue or brown or hazel eyes. Never green or black. I've also never seen purple, but not many people actually have purple eyes.

I hear voices across the hole that my boy crazy friend Marlene McKinnon knocked through our wall into the boy's dorm. Yeah, that's right, envy me. I can go into Potter and Black and Lupin's room when ever I want. I'm in my dorm, btw, stalling for time because I don't want to do my Transfiguration essay about why my partner Sirius Black successfully turned me blond, and my spell sent him to the hospital wing for three hours to be force fed hair re-growing potion (he fainted when he saw himself. Otherwise he would have been drinking them like Butterbeer, to save his precious locks. He told me afterwards, that he wasn't mad because it made his chest more hairy. I slapped him. Some things are just TMI). Not that that's the topic, but that's the jist of it. Meh. Me no like Transfiguration.

Oh! The voices are getting louder. Let us listen! And record, for later reference.

There, I crept over to the hole. It's disguised pretty well. I leaned back against it. Now I will be a spy…hehe…I must really not want to do Transfiguration.

You know this is considered wrong on so many levels.

I'm not interested in a conscience Roy! Now stop interuping my spying!

Uh oh…did I just shout that out-loud?

Yup!

Shut up Roy, this is all your fault.

You know that Kat charmed all sounds to be contained to this room? And from the outside, sound is one way?

Shut up Roy!

Lupin: You know, this isn't right. We're going against Dumbledore's trust in me, and not to mention breaking about fifty school rules and–

Black: You won't be wearing the badge, so it'll be okay to be bad, besides, Wormtail's okay with it. Are you going to let us think that Peter's got more balls than you?

Lupin: No…just…God Dammit Sirius! Are you gonna make me give you the emotional reason?

Potter (arrogant ToeRag from Hell): Just spit it out Moony, otherwise you have no hope

Lupin: Fine! I don't want to hurt you! There's no guaranties that I won't kill you!

Black: You, little, skinny wizard. Me, big, strong wizard. Me, hurt you. You, no hurt me…(trails off into giggles)

Potter (arrogant Toe-Rag from Hell) & Pettigrew: (Start laughing too)

Lupin: Oh I give up! It's no use arguing with you!

Oh Merlin. Remus Lupin is a male stripper. And Dumbledore allows it. And when he gets drunk he gets violent. And the other boys are going to go join him in his stripping career!

I've got to go confront them!

20 minutes later – Well…it went a bit like this…

Lily Evens, 5'7 and red haired burst into the fifth year boy dormitory, to recoil in shock at the sight in front of her. Sirius Black with out a shirt, lying on the dormitory floor, lifeless and bleeding. The blood pooled out at the feet of James Potter, holding the Beater's bat of the afore mentioned deceased boy, a crazed expression on his face. Peter Pettigrew gibbered happily, drooling at Potters feet, whimpering like a dog when one of the suddenly diamond studded boots kicks his face, but comes back quickly. Perhaps freakiest of all, Remus Lupin stands, calculating the whole thing, his expression passive and his demeanor calm.

"I think you could have done it in a neater way Prongs" he says finally as he turns to Lily Evens "Yes, can I help you?"

Lily recovers from her initial shock and sends a quick stunner at Lupin, who dodges neatly and sends back the Crutiatus Curse at her, hitting her in the chest and laughing as she screams. Potter gets up and starts hitting her with the Beater's bat, his laughs even more erratic and crazed than Lupin's.

Lily throws off the Crutiatus and twists Potter's arm backwards, snapping it in seven places, as she stuns Lupin. Then she leans into Pettigrew's face, and says clearly "Boo!" Pettigrew faints. Then Lily runs for the Headmaster and the three living boys upstairs are sent to Azkaban, the head of the fourth is stuck on a pike and set in the Hogwarts' dungeons as rat repellant.

The End

Okay, maybe that's a big fat lie. But it was so, damn fun!

You know Lily, I might be forced to tell Kat about your violence and lying.

Roy! You better get cute real fast, or so help me I will feed you to the fire.

GRRRRR…he looks like Potter! Stupid diary thing…

Roy, you were just thrown against a wall. Okay, I know what you all want.

Me: Remus, don't be a male stripper, don't drink and fly! You should turn in your prefect badge if you're going to set such a bad example!

Lupin: Lily…what do you mean?

Me: You said you were dangerous…so you're a violent drunk…and you were saying it was breaking about fifty rules…and that you were betraying Dumbledore's trust…so he trusted to be a good prefect…but you weren't…aren't…I don't know…so you're male stripper and a violent drunk…aren't you…

Black & Potter & Pettigrew: (Dissolving in laughs)

Lupin: Lily…I'm not a male stripper…

Me: That's what they all say!

Lupin: How many male strippers have you met?

Me:…You and…BLACK! (what?…he wasn't wearing a shirt…it was hot in their dorm because they couldn't open the windows and the light came streaming in real bright and it was hot in there…mostly because of three males…but still!!!)

Black: Sorry Evens, my manly glory is displayed in more private ways. (Wiggles his eyebrows) The Astronomy Tower?

Me: Ew.

(For all who don't go to Hogwarts, the Astronomy Tower is where the loudest kinkiest sex takes place. There's actually a sign up sheet. Edited by Black, of course.)

Black: What Evens? Your mom get to graphic when she told you where babies come from? Cuz mine did. But I don't listen to anything she says anyway, so, go figure!

Potter: Padfoot, I thought you said that you learned about the birds and the bees when you watched your dog and the neighbor's dog fu-

Me: This is where I came in! Remus, we'll talk more later about how you are or aren't a stripper. Don't forget we have prefect's patrol later this week!

Then I went and washed myself. Body, hands and mouth.