You know how some fans like to believe that any child House spawns, even ones that come to him out of the blue as the result of a one-night stand, will automatically be just as smart as him, if not smarter, and pretty much have the exact same personality? Well this is me, parodying the hell out of that overall ridiculous concept. It's nothing special, just a short summary to touch on the main points that most fics seem to want to make. So don't be thrown off by its fast pace. And remember people: this is just a parody and I'm not picking on anybody in particular. It's just that laughter is the best medicine. It'll even treat Lupus, until you find out that the doctors mis-diagnosed you. Then it'll treat whatever it is that you actually have.

Disclaimer: I don't own "House, MD" or anybody in it. This is purely for entertainment.

NOTE: The "italics words" are merely silly little narrations. Just pretend a senile British man named Barnabas is telling you a story. Also, mild language at the end.

House and the Twenty Dollar Cab Ride

"The story of the young Gregoria House's life is indeed an interesting one. The moment she was born her mother knew she was something special. Her father, unfortunately, wasn't even aware of her existence. I suppose that the beginning is as good a place as any to begin..."

Doctor Greg House had met her mother at a hospital charity event roughly sixteen years ago. She was easy to pick out, being the most beautiful woman in the crowd. Her long blonde hair held a soft curl and flowed just past her shoulders. Her eyes were bright green, her lips deep red. In short, she looked like a supermodel.

Being the beautiful woman she was, it was clear that she could have any man she wanted. And she wanted the older man with incredibly blue eyes and the personality of the most tactless asshole on the planet.

"No, really. Just go with it."

The chemistry between them had been almost instant. In fact, they began hitting it off right around the time he saw her large breasts and she saw his name tag with "M.D" on it. They danced a bit, usually right near the speakers so they wouldn't have to actually talk, but for the majority of the evening they drank. Several shots and martinis later, they were off for the nearest hotel.

The following morning, Greg woke to find the woman gone. A note lay on her pillow.

'Greg,

I've had better.

p.s. I borrowed twenty dollars from your wallet for taxi fare. Hope you don't mind. I'll send it back to you soon.'

But she never did.

Nine months later, Gregoria House was born. She had brown hair, icy blue eyes and, when the doctor smacked her, a glare that could only be rivaled by one man. Her mother knew she was something special.

"No, I didn't just repeat myself. Sod off, then, if you don't want to hear the story."

Gregoria was a rather gifted child. At six months old she said her first words: myocardial infarction. Two weeks later she was walking around like an average adult. By the time she was three, she was reading at a middle school level. It drove her insane that her mother wouldn't give her a medical dictionary to practice with. All the other toddlers got their wishes for toys and stuffed animals; was a book really too much to ask for?

She picked up the piano and guitar when she was six. She'd also excelled in school and had therefore been bumped up to college, where she began working towards her dream of becoming a doctor by pursuing a Bachelor's Degree in Science.

She finished medical school two years early, just after she turned twelve. From there she began her residency at the best hospital in the state. A short year later she was officially a doctor of diagnostics.

As time passed, she realized that something was severely lacking in her life. She had her idiotic mooch of a mother, certainly, but she felt it only fair that she know her father as well. And so, at the age of sixteen, Gregoria House set out to hire a Private Investigator to find him.

One week later, she fired the P.I. for taking so long and decided to find her father on her own. It took her a whole twenty-six hours to locate his name and address; she'd had to take a break to sleep, after all.

She and her mother boarded the next flight to New Jersey. (While on the plane, one of the passengers had a severe medical problem. Through her highly developed mind and sound logic, Gregoria quickly figured out that he wasn't sick, but rather a drug mule.)

Gregoria read and re-read the file she had on Greg House. They had so many freakishly similar traits that there was no doubt in her mind that he was indeed her father.

It was mid-afternoon when they finally made it to Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. When they reached his office, they found an older brunet leaning back in his chair, tossing a large tennis ball at the wall.

Gregoria approached him. "Greg House?"

He barely offered her a glance, "Who's asking?"

"Your daughter."

The ball bounced off of the wall and back, hitting the floor when Greg's hand didn't catch it. He was far too busy staring at her.

"Ridiculous."

"I can prove it."

"Well then, by all means."

"Everybody lies."

"My god."

"Do you believe me now?"

"Yes."

"Good."

They stared at each other in silence for a few moments.

"Well... what d'you want?" he finally asked.

"Nothing, just wanted to meet you." With that, the girl turned and left, scowling all the while about nothing in particular.

Her mother remained behind, laughing softly. "That's just the way she is. You were that way too, I remember."

"Glad one of us does."

She frowned, insulted. "Yes, well, it was good to see you."

She was halfway to the elevator when Greg came after her.

"Hey, wait!"

She whirled around, eyes shining with all the love and affection for him that she'd held onto over the years. "Yes, Greg?"

"I'll need that twenty bucks back now."

"And so, although it was several years later, Greg House finally got his twenty dollars back. And he lived marginally happily ever after. ... What? I wasn't telling a story about Gregoria, I was telling the story of how Greg got repaid. Twenty dollars is a lot of money to the common man. Who gives a bleeding fuck about some little brat? ... Oh, right. The End. Now bugger off and get me my tea."

-...-

Explanation? I was in an odd mood.

Be on the lookout. Barnabas may make another appearance someday.