****SPOILERS**** for Episode 23 of the anime. If you haven't seen it, be warned!
I wrote this story trying to figure out what might have been going through Wolfwood's head after he accepted Knives' offer. I couldn't really figure out why he did it. In the manga it makes more sense, because when he goes looking for Vash, he doesn't really know him yet. But in the anime, they were already friends. Wolfwood is basically a decent guy; what sort of rationalization would he need to convince himself to betray a friend?
Trigun is copyright (c) Yasuhiro Nightow and Young King Ours.
You'd think it would be easier, this business of betraying a friend.
I will personally guarantee the safety of the children if you will bring this man to me.
Implying that the children were not safe otherwise...
And I will pay you, pay you well.
He named a figure far beyond anything I could hope to bring back in a year, in five years, in ten years of wandering. The orphanage's financial problems would be over.
After this one job, we will never bother you again.
And he held out his hand, an ironic half-smile twisting the side of his face.
I took his hand, my skin crawling.
With that touch, I sold my soul. I knew it even at the time. But I thought it would be easier. Over the years, I've gotten really good at locking my feelings down at the bottom of my soul. I've killed many people, some for bad reasons and some for reasons I considered fair and just. -- Damn it! You see what traveling with this man has done to me? Reasons that I still consider fair and just, dammit. Some people are simply too dangerous to live. The consequences of letting them go are too dire, and it doesn't matter what killing them does to your soul, as long as others are safe. Someone's got to make that choice. Someone's got to sacrifice themselves so that everyone can live...
Vash would say that we don't have the right to make the decision of life or death for another.
Vash would say that there doesn't have to be a sacrifice at all.
Vash would say that the world is saved one soul at a time...
Damn him!
I wasn't sure, even in the beginning, that I was doing the right thing in this situation; but I felt it was the best thing, under the circumstances. After all, they never said anything about killing Vash. I was just supposed to watch him, protect him -- and make sure that he made it to Knives in the end.
And what did I really think that it would mean, giving a man like Vash into the hands of a man like Knives? Maybe not death, no -- but death might be far kinder.
I didn't let myself think about that.
In the beginning, I don't think I really understood my role in this little drama, or knew how thoroughly Knives and Legato had used me. The attacks from the Gung-ho Guns just didn't make sense. Why would Knives hire me to watch Vash's back, and then send Legato to attack him? But with each new death, the certainty grew: the Gung-ho Guns were not being sent to kill Vash, but to die, one by one. They didn't know it, and I suppose it's possible even Legato didn't know it. But I could see it, see how each new death took another part of Vash's ... well, call it his soul, if you like.
Some might dispute that. This religion I've spent the last part of my life trying to follow once taught that only human beings have souls. Bullshit. I guess I used to believe something like that, too. It's not hard, looking into Knives' ice-colored eyes, to imagine that he doesn't have a soul. But if anyone on this planet ever entitled themselves to all the rights and privileges of being human, it's my traveling companion.
Actually, thinking about it, maybe being human isn't something to aspire to. Look at what humanity has done to him so far. It drives me crazy to see him stand there and take abuse like he does. To keep throwing himself into danger for people who'd as soon spit on him as look at him. But still he keeps trying, and trying ... It makes me all too aware of how far short I've fallen, so many times.
I think it'd be a lot easier if the Gung-ho Guns were simply out to kill him ... to kill us. Then I could just shoot them, no questions asked. I don't mind doing the killing for both of us, if it comes to that. There's too much blood on my hands to ever wash away, and Vash doesn't need any more on his own... But I've come to realized that the deaths are exactly what Knives wants. He's trying to undermine Vash's -- well... his Vashness, I guess is the only way to put it. Knives is like a little boy trying to destroy something delicate and beautiful, because he doesn't understand it, and it offends him just by being there.
And he's using me to do it.
The worst thing is, I think I know where all this is headed. I think I've known from the beginning. Every death is meant to take away a little more of Vash's soul, but the ultimate blow ... the ultimate crushing blow, the strike that's meant to take the light out of his eyes forever ... will be the discovery that his friend, a man he trusted with his life, has betrayed him.
It's Knives' ultimate lesson to Vash about human nature.
And there's no way out of it now. Somehow, he's going to find out eventually. Maybe when we reach Knives. Maybe before. Maybe I'm meant to be the final sacrifice, the one that the deaths of all the Gung-ho Guns are leading up to. If my orders ever change... if I'm ordered to kill Vash rather than protect him ... what would I do then? I know that the object wouldn't be Vash's death -- but forcing him to kill me in self-defence, which would shatter him more surely than any bullet.
I don't know what I would do, if it came to that.
I never thought it would be this hard.