One of my favorite movies in both childhood and adulthood was Disney's Hercules. I think it appealed to my outlook on life, that regardless if I was able to get exactly what I wanted, if I kept on working and kept striving for success, I would achieve something special. That at the end of my hardship, I would find peace in a place that accepted me for who I was, with a woman on my arm that thought the world of me. And I for her.

Long story short: I joined the military, I worked real hard during war, got out and earned my Bachelors, and later died in a Walmart parking lot trying to save a girl that got shot. And then I ended up in Anime-land after a lifetime spent being as good a Christian I could be.

Thanks, Obama.

I know it's not as good a name as other more creative writers might think up but I can safely say that it's not Earth. And, in the truest imperialistic spirit, I am the first of my people to arrive here. Therefore, I claimed thee vast land, horizon to horizon, Anime-land. I even set up a flag and everything (read: diaper on a stick), once I learned how to walk with an adult's understanding of the process coupled inefficiently with a toddler's body. The picture's on the mantle, by the way, thanks to my parents.

Yes, you read that right – no quotations around that word. I can admit to being a mildly cynical but as far as I'm concerned, given who I am and how the past twelve-odd years have been (imagine: a grown-ass man trapped in the body of a newborn/infant/toddler/kid/preteen while suffering all the awkwardness hinted at therein), they've earned the title of parents. Good ol' Kizashi and Mebuki had the souls of saints... oh!

Almost forgot. Here in Anime-land, things are different. As you've no doubt seen on the cover of this big-ass book, I am currently in the village of Konoha, in the Land of Fire, on the southern end on the continent known far and wide as the Elemental Nations. That's right, 'We knee-deep in Naruto, y'all!'

And apparently Rule# 63 is firmly in effect: What once were men, there are now women. What once were women, there are now men.

Yes, discovering that little detail was as much a shock as learning that reincarnation is apparently a thing. I had to do a lot of shit I'm not proud of while in the service, at least nine of which broke a commandment or two, but a small part of me hoped God would accept me into Heaven. So either both God and Heaven aren't real but reincarnation is, or this is a "one-off" and I'm going to have another lifetime's worth of hardship to make up for what I did as a "plain old human." Because let's be real here, ninja ain't human.

The power of Chakra (and yes, the capitalization highlights its importance to me) acts too oddly, in oh so many various ways, to be a natural occurrence. And given what I've read over the years – the Naruto manga up the Kage's Summit in the Land of Iron, and so many thousands of fan-fiction stories – chakra is as odd, dangerous, and potent as an artifact from some Lovecraftian Elder God. Blessings of Cthulhu and all that... mixed in with some very bizarre forms of Mendelian inheritance and pseudo-evolution of the human organism when exposed to such things.

By the way, my Bachelors was in a STEM field. Call it compartmentalization or call it being willingly deluded, but most Christians ain't idiots. Science is science, faith is something else. Don't believe the Third-Wave Atheist hype at face value. There are many truths out there, and some are truer than others. Like reincarnation into world reminiscent of an otaku-kin's wet dream, for example.

Back to the gender-bending issue, all the shinobi and kunoichi in the Naruto franchise (from who I've seen in Konoha, anyway) have the same personalities and character quirks, only their chromosome combos are different. This has led to some very funny observations (a loud-ass, muscular woman running around in skintight green spandex at oh-dark-thirty-in-the-freaking-morning!), some very cringe-worthy situations (a forty-something year-old seal-master and Toad-Sage sneaking around the male-side of the local onsen, giggling as she writes shotacon smut for profit), and some very long evenings spent in horrified speculation of other potential encounters. For example, Karin and her… or rather his "bite me = healing" S&M bullshit.

Another example, a female Orochimaru. Let that sink in for a moment.

Yeah, creepy. And also kind of sexy. But very, very fucking creepy.

You're probably wondering "Well, what about this pretentious asshole writing all of this like it's his freaking blog?" and I have to say, you're right on all counts. But this is an introduction to what will likely be either the lamest hoax in the 21st Century post-internet world or a world-shaking event that will leave philosophers scratching their heads at the possibilities. In any case, the sooner I figure out how to seriously dick around with space-time jutsus and con Naruko into fueling it (freaking chakra generator, I swear), the faster this book gets back to y'all and I can move on. That will be the last bit of effort I'll give my people before delving into the mysteries of chakra + sex + hot kunoichi wife arithmetic.

Rule# 63 didn't spare me anymore than it did to everyone else here in Anime-land. I reincarnated as a male (thank God) but I'm also now representing what used to be Sakura Haruno. I'll give you a moment to imagine a girlish-looking boy with long pink hair, bright green eyes, and a five-head. Laugh it up now while you can – I've long since passed the "A Boy Named Sue" phase. Google the song if you don't know what I'm talking about.

…

…

…

You done? Cool.

So please allow me to introduce myself. I am a man of wealth and taste… kidding. My name's Daichi Haruno and I'm a twelve year-old student at Konoha's Ninja Academy. Mentally, I'm old enough to know about a time prior to Web 2.0 but young enough not to get blinded by the nostalgia of the 90s. The cartoons were cool, the videogames were better, and watching the internet grow into what it became around the time I died fills me with the kind of longing an uncle must feel when their favorite nephew or niece grows up under their tutelage and goes out into the world, never to be seen again. I like to work-out, write smut-filled fantasies to the aforementioned shotacon for tidbits of fuinjutsu knowledge, and generally doing goofy shit with my chakra. I dislike thinking about my past overmuch (to no avail) and that Anime-land has no internet.

And my hopes for the future… hmm. I want to make something of myself in this new world and see if one of the more inspiring plots of the fan-fictions I've read can become reality. I also want a hot wife, a legion of kids to spoil, and to simply feel normal in a world so far beyond such that it kind of terrifies me.

I said kind of, by the way. I already died once and had the promises of an afterlife all but shattered. Not much more to really fear except the potential for gruesome injury and Pein.

Yeah, Pein. He… she is going to be a serious problem.

Fuck it. If I wanted a peaceful life, I wouldn't have become a child assassin. If I still want one, I'm just gonna have to work for it.

I can go the distance if I must. Even as Sakura.