Death doesn't discriminate
Between the sinners

And the saints

It takes and it takes and it takes

And we keep living anyway

We rise and we fall

And we break

And we make our mistakes

And if there's a reason I'm still alive

When everyone who loves me has died

I'm willing to wait for it

I'm willing to wait for it

Wait for it
~ "Wait For It" from "Hamilton"

The barren desert landscape spread out around them as Alex pushed through. Her only thought that day was to get as far away from National City as possible and she'd chosen Alice Adler to be at her side. They'd left the DEO in a black SUV earlier than normal, J'onn hadn't even been in yet. Everything seemed to be right with the world as they drove and Alex couldn't feel more like the world was as it once was...

Alex had planned this.

The perfect chaperone.

The most basic of missions.

Nothing to raise an eyebrow at.

They were nearly to the halfway point when the vehicle alerted them to an incoming call. The caller ID came up on the dash plain as day.

Henshaw.

J'onn had found out and they weren't even there yet. Alex tried ignoring it and then saw the looks from Adler. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. She could feel Adler's glare before she reached out and tapped the button to pick up the call. Alex stayed quiet.

An angry voice immediately filled the cabin of the vehicle. "Danvers, what the hell are you thinking? Vasquez says you and Adler are halfway to-"

"Sir, I didn't know that this mission wasn't sanctioned," Adler interrupted. "Or else I would have kicked Danvers' ass myself."

Now Alex glared over at Adler. Was it really so hard to support her? Sure, she had tricked Adler...well, she just hadn't told her all the details. She'd made sure not to lie to her, but she hadn't told her the entire truth of it either.

"I'm assuming that Danvers is driving," J'onn said.

"She is," Adler confirmed.

Alex slammed on the breaks. There was no use in pushing her luck. Even if Adler didn't force her over, J'onn and Kara could get to them quickly enough to stop them. "I'm not going," she finally spoke up.

Adler was just staring at her now. "Going where?"

"Maxwell Lord's funeral," J'onn filled in.

"Get the fuck out of the driver's seat," Adler ordered her angrily. "You always think that you know what's right, Danvers...but in this case...you're dead wrong. You need to go to it. You need the closure."

She didn't know if she'd truly ever get closure.

Alex didn't argue though and got out to switch places with Adler. She tried to ignore the string of obscenities that spewed from Adler's mouth. There was something else about how she hadn't even gotten a donut that morning because of Alex. Getting into the front passenger seat, she pulled her seat belt until it clicked into place, and then looked out her window uninterested in anything else that was going on with the call between J'onn and Adler.

Kara was waiting at the DEO along with Benanti with a black dress for her to wear. She didn't want to wear it, she didn't want to go. She wanted to drive out for the day, as far as she could, and forget the horrors that had happened in their own house. She'd mourned Max as much as she'd felt able to and she didn't know if she could handle pushing herself to go to the funeral and possibly trigger a more mournful state.

"I know you don't want to go."

"Then you shouldn't be forcing me to," she said as she turned to look at him. Alex had done as requested, she'd changed into the black dress with matching heels and had run a brush through her hair once again. Crossing her arms over her chest, she scrunched up her shoulders.

"Alexandra," he whispered as he moved towards her. "Please, understand, that I am doing this for you. You might not think you need to be there today, but I do not want you to live regretting missing it." He didn't seem phased by the grumpy look on her face, which wasn't new.

She turned her head away, she hated when he actually called her by her full first name. It didn't happen often and he only did it when he really needed to put emphasis on what he was saying. Still, she didn't like it.

"You've trusted me this long, trust me a few hours more?" J'onn offered.

Sighing, she turned to look back at him, now only a few feet away, he was still obviously trying to mind her space. "I trust you...always...completely." She'd always trusted him, even when he'd revealed himself to her as J'onn J'onzz and she'd kept that all to herself. She still didn't know how everyone hadn't freaked out a little more when he'd revealed himself when he'd saved her and Charlie...but then the world seemed like it was about to end (and Alex had been home for nearly a week in bed).

"I have something that I think Max would have wanted you to have."

This caught her attention. What could he possibly have that Max would have wanted her to find? He hadn't brought anything to the DEO that could have been left behind except the clothes he'd been wearing when they'd been rescued from the gala. "Okay," was all she managed to say in response.

"I thought that maybe you might need it," he clarified as he held out his hand. Resting on his palm was a familiar band, the ring that she'd thought was her wedding ring. She'd worn it for so long even after they'd known that they weren't married and that they'd been given false memories of a future. It had been a comfort to her for so long, but she'd given it back to Max. Alex just stared at it, blinking, and soon tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Where did you find it?" she finally asked as she tentatively reached out to take it.

"In The Pipeline," J'onn explained. "It must have fallen out of his pocket-"

Her fingers pressed the cool metal between the pads as she stared from it to him. "I thought you didn't find anything of Max-"

"Just the ring," he told her. "Everything else...it was too badly burnt and destroyed."

"Thank you," she whispered as she turned her attention back to the ring and then slipped it onto her finger. As she stared at it, that simple band, it once again brought some comfort to her. It wasn't the same as before...and it wasn't the same as Max being alive, but it gave her a feeling that he was there with her.

"We should go," he added gently a moment later.

The sea of emotion that hit her was unexpected. Losing someone wasn't something new, it happened from time to time at the DEO (and it happened all the time throughout the world). Alex kept reminding herself that Max hadn't been the only one who had died, but that didn't help things...she just kept seeing him being dragged under the barrier...she kept thinking that she'd just fought with him right before...and she couldn't drop the guilt that was weighing on her. It all felt like her fault and yet he was the one that was gone.

It was so wrong.

It felt like a nightmare.

Standing there in black in a sea of black.

An empty coffin in front of her.

A ring on her hand.

It meant nothing, but at the same time meant so much.

Alex should have said something.

Somehow, the blue journal that Max had given her had found its way into her hands. She didn't remember if it had been in her locker or if someone had brought it from her apartment. Clutching it, all she could think of were 'what ifs' and of the future that really wasn't theirs…

Everything happened around her, but she couldn't hear any of it or really take any of it in. It was like she was paused and the world around her was still silently moving. People moving around her, past her, and then leaving. Some of them seemed to say words, but she couldn't hear them or process them.

He was gone.

Max was dead.

It was real.

The hand that didn't move from her shoulder was enough to pull her from her still trance like state. Eventually, her head turned and she saw who it belonged to. Her father was there, he was the one who had pulled her out of it. He wasn't alone, her mother and Kara were right there too. Alex didn't miss J'onn, Adler, and Benanti standing in the distance. They were all likely there as support, to make sure that if she needed them...they were there.

As much as the emotion had hit her before...now she was just numb.

"Do you need another minute?" her father asked gently.

Alex felt like she needed something more than another minute, maybe another lifetime where she could make up what she'd done...where she could make the right choices...where she could keep Max alive...where maybe she'd be able to give him a chance...where maybe the future would be more certain.

"This is my fault," Alex found herself whispering.

"Alex, it's not your fault," her sister spoke up just as quietly and Alex didn't miss her heartbroken tone.

This wasn't the first funeral she'd attended where she'd mourned over an empty coffin and felt like somehow the death was on her. She'd gotten her father back after years of regret and guilt. Alex knew that that was a once in a lifetime fluke. Max was gone. Trigon had murdered him. Max's body had been destroyed and lay scattered in ash amongst the rubble of what was left of The Pipeline. She sucked in a shaky breath and clung to the journal in her hands even more, making her fingers hurt.

"We'll meet you back at the car," she heard her father say. He put an arm around her, but Alex didn't look at him. She just looked down at the black empty coffin that they'd already lowered down into the earth. People were waiting on her in order to fill the hole in, but it was so hard for her to just go. "Alex?"

"He was so lonely in this world," she whispered. "He had so much. He had more than he probably ever imagined...but he had nothing." Alex looked over at her father, tears streaming down her face. "I shouldn't have loved him. There are so many reasons why I shouldn't have…"

"Love doesn't need reason," Jeremiah whispered. "Love is something that happens on its own."

"He was a danger to Kara-"

"I think he changed."

And he was right.

"The last thing I said to him-"

He father pulled her into a tight hug. He kissed the top of her head. "I remember the last words you said to me. You were angry…" She squeezed her eyes shut. Those words, she remembered every single one of them. With her eyes still closed, she could envision the scene like it had happened moments before. Everything that she'd lived with, the weight and pain and regret of it for all these years… "But Alex...when I thought that those were my last moments with J'onn J'onzz hovering over me in Peru...all I could think of was you and your mother and Kara… Your happy faces. That's why I asked him to look out for you. No matter how upset you had been, I knew it wasn't because of me...it was the situation and you were too young to understand why I had to do it." Jeremiah lifted her chin so that they were staring at one another. "Forgiveness, can you imagine? It's such a simple thing, Alex. You forgave me for being in Peru for all of these years...for not remembering...for not being here when you needed me. I forgave you the moment you said those words. Forgive yourself for Max. From what I saw of him, he loved you. He wouldn't want you to live with that guilt or that heaviness on your soul. Trust me, Sweetheart."

She didn't know if she could do it.

"I just want one more minute...alone," she said as she turned back to where the coffin lie below their feet.

"I'll wait for you at the car," he said before leaving her.

This was supposed to be closure.

All those years ago, she remembered her father's funeral and wake. Those funeral traditions were supposed to help the family through the grief, to find some kind of closure. That's what this was supposed to do. She didn't feel any of that. She was angry at herself. Alex closed her eyes and thought about Max, when they'd been at the gala...when they'd been dancing...the look on his face...how happy he'd seemed...how free she'd felt in those moments...that's how she wanted to remember him. "You are loved by so many, but by no one more than me," she breathed out. Maybe it wasn't entirely true because she knew how lonely Max was in life, but it was what felt right. She just hoped that if there was such thing as an afterlife that he could hear her.

She hoped that he knew that.

That she loved him.

"Alex!"

There wasn't time.

"Alex!"

She squeezed her eyes shut and waited. She knew that she couldn't just flat out ignore Kara. There had been enough pushing away of her sister and parents (and pretty much everyone else that she cared about). Alex knew that it wasn't right and that she couldn't keep doing it. It was just another way to punish herself, but really she knew that it was hurting them. She knew that. "Kara, I have-"

"You're not doing this alone," her sister said, her voice was gentle yet strong. It wasn't angry or demanding or anything else. It was just Kara.

Alex's eyes opened and she stared at her sister. "You and I both know that there's no way that J'onn is going to let me go out after Trigon...not today, not-"

"Yeah, well...we're in this together," Kara told her. Alex's eyes picked up Kara holding her locket and automatically, Alex's fingers wrapped around her own matching one. "El may-arah."

"El may-arah," Alex whispered an echo.

"Yeah, we're not letting either of you just go off without help," Jeremiah spoke up.

"From what I saw...that thing is a lot more than even you two can handle together," Eliza added.

"Well, I'm not letting Trigon remain out there," Alex countered. "He'll kill more people. He's already done enough of that."

"That's why you're not going alone."

The voice caught them all by surprise. Behind her parents, Alex saw him. J'onn was there, disguised as Hank Henshaw. "I know what you're going to say," Alex began.

"Then you know that there's no way that I'm going to let you...any of you...do this without backup," J'onn stated. "I thought we were all in this together."

Alex wasn't sure what to say. She knew that J'onn's concerns about her were valid, but at the same time he obviously knew her well enough to know that she wasn't going to let this go. "I can't sit back at the DEO-"

"That's not how it's going to work," he promised. "But we're going to do this smartly." That seemed to get both of her parents' attention. "Vasquez has been tracking Trigon and the movement of the other escapee's as best as she can. That's not going to be enough. We're going to have to have The Pipeline replaced and repaired...at the very least...just the one section." He was right. They couldn't expect to just go after all of the escaped prisoners without a suitable prison to put them in. "I've already been in contact with Mr. Ramon. He's been already working on a way to replace the areas that won't be able to be repaired and coming up with an alternative to what we already have."

"What do you mean?" Eliza questioned.

"Instead of locking them up like we have, he's looking into designing stasis chambers," J'onn explained. "They would be more efficient in a lot of ways, safer, and they would also provide a dreamstate for those who are put in them."

"How viable is this option?" Jeremiah asked. "The technology-"

"I'm going to let Mr. Ramon figure that part out," J'onn said holding up a hand. "Right now, I'm concerned about all of us keeping clear heads." Now he was looking directly at her. "And I know you, Alex. I know that you won't allow to stay behind. That you need to be out there." J'onn motioned around to everyone. "Well, we need you to be alive and safe. So, if I feel like you're a danger to yourself or anyone else...I will pull you from duty and lock you up myself, am I clear?"

Alex didn't even blink. "Deal," she said. He was right, if she was a danger...then she needed to be pulled from the field. She wouldn't like it. Alex liked to think that she could hold it together, but the truth was...she wasn't sure. She didn't want to put anyone's life in danger. Too many lives had already been lost because of Non, Trigon, and Myriad.

"I'm assuming that you're going to allow Jeremiah and I to help?" her mother spoke up.

J'onn looked at them both. "I'm fairly sure I don't have a choice in it."

He was right.

It was in the genes.

TBC…