Summary: "I lose track of time but this you already know, think out in rhyme but life sounds better when it flows." / Ally feels like to her friends, she will never be enough. They pick on her for trivial things like 'never having a boyfriend', but maybe they just don't know everything about her. Oneshot. Mentions of Ally/OC, but Auslly is still endgame. For Echo.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
A/N: I just needed this, okay? I need it. I know it's kind of horribly angst-y, but I needed it.
(Possibly OOC to some people. I'd say it's just a more in-depth look at their characters, not just what you see on the show.)
Dedication: As always, it is to all of you, because I'd never have to courage to write things if it weren't for you all.
But this one especially, is for Echo. I hope to the Moon and back (that was so lame, I'm sorry) that you're reading this. I just... your message to me. You know how happy it made me, so thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyou.
Sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes in advance.
(It's never enough to) sell yourself for less than love
:::
Dear Book,
We went to the Melody Diner today, the four of us. No one brought up Cassidy when we got there, which I was glad of, for once. I can't bear to keep hearing Austin talk about her anymore, every time we set foot in that stupid place. The only reason I agree to go is because the food is too good for words. Otherwise, you could count me out, kind of like when they go to the beach; it's not an activity I tend to get involved in.
It didn't go so well though, but really, when does it ever? Instead of Cassidy, they brought up a different topic.
This time, I was the butt of the joke, and I hated it.
For the first time in a long time, I felt that kind of burning anger. You know the one, where you want to well up with tears that are brimming; scream at something or someone until your voice is raw and you can't scream; when you clench and unclench your fists so tightly that your fingernails leave marks in your palms.
It was that kind of anger.
Trish started picking on me. I hate that about her, how even though I'm her friend, she still manages to put me down. It's like when she says "funny is funny", well if she stopped to think about how hurt her feelings would be if someone did something "funny" to her, maybe she wouldn't laugh so much.
To make it worse, Dez joined in with her taunting. It made me feel small and weak, and you'll never guess what happened next...
When I turned to Austin for support, guess what he did? He agreed with them.
It was one of the most horrible days I've ever had with them, with anyone.
The worst part of it was, the things they were teasing me about weren't even correct. They didn't even have their facts straight.
Granted, they didn't know, but I have had a boyfriend, just because I didn't deem them worthy enough to tell, doesn't mean I didn't have one.
Okay, that last bit was a lie; I didn't want to tell them because for once I just wanted to have a secret of my own.
Life sucks right about now.
—Ally.
"We haven't had a meal out like this in ages!" Trish announced loudly as she flounced through the door to the melody diner. "I'm so glad we came here on Mindy's day off."
"So am I." Austin and Dez chorused from behind. They slid into a booth, boys opposite girls. Ally deliberately sat on the edge, as she always did. Ally sitting on the edge of the booth became sort of a tradition, as the rest of them mixed and matched where they sat, but Ally always had to sit on the edge.
It made for an easy getaway, but she'd never say that.
"Hey, when can we get some chicken pot pie?" Dez whined as a waitress walked straight passed their table. "That's the only reason I come here." Dez harrumphed and crossed his arms tightly, making Trish laugh.
"You're such a baby, it's a wonder Mindy even takes an interest in you." Ally carefully tuned out their bickering and focused on looking at the sky through the transparent doors. After a quick glance at Austin she saw him looking at his own reflection in a spoon and couldn't help but roll her eyes.
"You can't talk to me about relationships; you've hardly had any experience!" Trish all but shouted, that made Ally tune back into the conversation.
"Wait, what did I miss? I was lost in space." Trish patted her back, almost in mock sympathy.
"Be glad you missed it." Trish said. "Doofus over here," She said, waving her hand vaguely in Dez's direction, "Tried to claim he had more relationship experience than me. How dumb is that?"
Ally cocked her head very slightly, not wanting to take either side in the argument.
"So, anyway, I was just about to say, I bet I've been in way more relationships than you, Dez."
Dez looked at her in the serene way he sometimes did. "Just because you've had more boyfriends, doesn't mean they've been with you that long. A week does not count as a meaningful relationship, and therefore does not give you more experience." Dez concluded his speech by resting his arms firmly on the table and interlocking his fingers, looking directly at his conversational partner.
Trish scoffed.
"Dez has actually has been in a long term relationship. He and this girl Emily dated for nearly a year, it was back at the end of eighth grade." Austin chipped in. Trish looked momentarily stunned before regaining her composure.
"It doesn't matter, I've been with a variety of people, therefore, I have more experience, right Ally?"
Ally looked at her and put her own hands up in surrender. "Don't get me involved in this. I'm leaving you to bicker about this by yourself."
"..." Trish mumbled under her breath and Austin, sitting opposite her, laughed a little.
"I'm sorry, what was that?" Ally asked, her tone clipped and face blank.
"Nothing."
"If it was nothing then why can't you say it?" Ally replied immediately.
Ally had undergone constant teasing from numerous people in the past. She knew all the signs from when people were talking about her, they weren't hard to spot. Trish never really made fun of her that badly, but the feeling of dread in the pit of Ally's stomach told her there might just be a first time for everything.
"I said," Trish said forcefully, "Don't worry, it's not like your opinion matters anyway, you've never had a boyfriend."
Ally sat still, then looked at her for a whole minute, her eyes blackening and facial features clenching in anger. They barely seemed to notice.
"How dare you?" Ally asked. Her tone was low and dangerous, more intimidating than a screaming accusation would ever be.
"Well..." Austin said slowly. Ally's eyes darted to him quickly. "Trish kind of does have a point. Not to be rude, but you haven't had much experience."
Ally scoffed and her eyes flashed treacherously. "You don't know everything about me you know."
Trish looked mildly curious, but it wasn't enough to hide the withering look in her eyes. Ally had never had that look directed at her before, only seen it directed at the people who used to bully her, and Trish gave it to them when she was sticking up for Ally.
It was Dez who spoke next.
"Oh, come off it Ally. We all know you've never had a boyfriend, just stop." Ally looked to him, her face full of anger and an incredulous glare.
"I don't have to sit here and listen to this. What do you know? Ever considered I may have had a boyfriend?" She stood up and started to walk out.
"I've been friends with you since Kindergarten, Ally." Trish said rather loudly. "I've been with you this whole time; I know you've never had a boyfriend." Austin and Dez couldn't help but chuckle a little at Trish's mocking tone, and a part of Ally wondered why she was friends with such mean people.
It was the irrational part, of course, but they were still being mean.
And Ally walked out, because that was really the hardest thing to do. To stay and shout and fight her corner was a lot easier than walking away. There, she could hear everything they had to say about her. By walking away, she had no clue what they would say, and she was most definitely turning her back on them.
She glanced at Austin who squirmed uncomfortably, but said nothing.
With tears leaking down her face a little, she left the diner.
:::
Dear Book,
So. After it happened, Trish found me and kept asking me about guys, you know how she is, she gets a bit full on sometimes. Do you know how hard it was not to scream at her whilst she was talking to me?
I still haven't told her about James, the boy I dated last year when I was away in Cali, and I don't really plan to. I hate keeping secrets, like I said before, but this is just one thing I kind of want to keep for myself.
((I just keep thinking about what happened at the diner. It just won't remove itself from my mind.))
I never really broke up with him, we just kissed on the last day of summer and left it be.
The next day I went to school and yeah, I felt a little heartache, but you know all about that, and you know that now I'm fine.
I almost told Austin though. We had this screaming match in the practice room; thank God I'd locked up afterwards. It was after the Diner Incident. He was making fun of me for never being with anyone and I just flipped, but I didn't tell him. I couldn't. It's my secret and I want it to stay that way.
I think he suspects something though, and believes my story a bit more.
Sigh.
I just feel the need to burst into tears right now, and I think tomorrow I'll take the day off work.
—Ally.
"So, who's the guy you mentioned earlier then?" Trish said sweetly as she leant against the counter. Ally didn't even pretend to hide her glare, at which Trish winced.
Skimming over the ugly details wasn't going to make it better.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Because you hate lying, I get it." Trish said nodding. Ally hit her fist on the counter so hard Trish jumped back in fright.
"Shut up. It's none of your business. I told you I had a boyfriend, I don't owe you an explanation. I know it happened. He knows it happened. End of."
She left Trish in silence, stomping up to the practice room and slamming the door hard.
Ally relished in the clang it made.
She was sitting at the piano in the practice room, and all she wanted to do was write a song. Any song. She just wanted to write because she was so stressed, work, school, and lately her friends.
She never thought she'd have to say that about them, but they were making her feel worse as oppose to better. Especially after the Incident.
Austin walked breezily into the room and slid onto the empty space on the bench. It was just big enough for the two of them and that's just how he liked it.
Ally knew he would totally ignore what just happened, as if he hadn't played a part in it, and she would struggle to do the same.
It was easier that way.
"Are you okay Ally?" He asked after she had just sat in silence for a few minutes. "Usually you'd be telling me all the great ideas about the song you're writing by now—"
"I'm not writing a song right now." Austin looked at her blankly.
"What do you mean you're not writing one? Why not?"
She turned her head slightly to see his worried gaze and shrugged half-heartedly. "I'm all out of inspiration by now."
Austin gestured wildly with his hands and then spluttered. "But, you're you! You always have an idea for a song!"
"Not today." Ally said simply and started to get up from the bench. Austin grabbed her wrist gently as to stop her, tell her not to go.
"What's wrong?" He looked into her eyes sadly.
She looked at him with weary eyes and couldn't find the words to say without sounding completely pathetic. She gave him quite a dark, you know type of look. "Nothing, it doesn't matter."
"Ally if it upset you then of course it matters." Austin stated firmly.
"Well it's not like you care, you're a third of the reason why I'm upset." Ally was pretending nothing about this conversation was off or awkward, but deep down she knew it was.
"Is this about that stupid diner thing?" Austin said tiredly.
Ally looked at his with wide eyes. "That stupid diner thing made me really upset actually, so maybe you should just shut up."
It was his turn to look at her with wide eyes. "Look Ally, I'm sorry—"
"No." Ally said, putting her hand up. "I'm sorry that my problems are so stupid, and that you think it's okay to make fun of me for things that aren't even true—"
"You keep saying that but you haven't even told me anything—"
"Have you ever thought maybe I just didn't want to tell you—?"
"Well if it's so true then why don't you just tell me who this guy is—?"
"Oh it's just like you to say that, you're so jealous—"
"I am not jealous! I just—"
"Then why can you not respect that maybe I just don't want to talk about it!" Ally roared. "For God's sake Austin, have you even thought that maybe I just didn't want to tell you, didn't want you to know? Not everything is about you, you know. I had a life before you and I still have one now, you're not part of all of it!"
He looked stunned, and the room was considerably quieter.
"When would you have had the time to have a boyfriend?" He said, his voice not soft, but not loud either.
"You obviously haven't thought about this much; I thought the answer was pretty obvious myself." He looked puzzled but Ally didn't elaborate.
"Summer." He said suddenly as if a gear had clicked into place in his brain. "I went without you all summer; I assumed you'd just be chilling not meeting many people while you were away..."
At this, Ally's temper returned. "I'm not the same girl I was a year ago. I'm not some nervous little girl anymore, alright? There's a reason for that change and I know what that is, but you don't need to. It's just like you think partying is the be all and end all of popularity, so I wouldn't be involved—"
"That's not what I said." Austin said his voice raising.
"It was implied." Ally bit back sourly.
"Ally, I don't like fighting with you." He said simply. "Just tell me and we can end this fuss."
"You can't tell me what to do, Austin, and I'm sorry if that upsets you but it's the truth. End of." Ally grabbed her book off of one of the small tables and walked towards the door.
She wasn't running away, it was just always her that had the courage to leave first. Just as her hand reached the doorknob and grasped it, she turned around to see Austin's eyes burning into her and a defeated look on his face.
"Look sad all you want. You hurt me, so if you want to make this okay again, I suggest you try harder."
Then, she walked out for the second time.
She never did tell him about James.
:::
Dear Book,
I haven't seen anyone today. I stayed off work because hey, it's the holidays now, I can do that if I want to.
I was so angry and mad; I did something I told myself I wouldn't.
I took out the photos of me and him, from summer. There are so many, well over a hundred. Ones of us kissing, holding hands, hugging. Those were mostly taken by his friends that lived down there with him. Some of them were taken by us, when we spent the days in his back garden together, lying on his hammock and just talking because we could.
It's kind of bad, but I still keep one of us kissing and holding each other in my purse. I hide it in a ripped bit of the material, so other people don't see it, but I know it's there.
Austin tried to call me, but I left it to voicemail. He called again and apologised, but I was still angry. I just continued looking at the photos. I love them so much; I loved that summer so much. Three whole months of pure happiness. I thought it would be torture without Trish, my lifelong friend, and Austin and Dez, my friends of a year, but oh my, it was so far from torture.
I feel like showing these photos to someone, proving something to them. I would if I ever really had to, but I hope it doesn't come to that.
I'm just going to put on our song —you know the one— and stare at these pictures, because I can. Because a small part of me misses him.
James.
—Ally.
Ally lay on her bed dejectedly when she woke up. She could tell her hair was a mess and that she should probably get out of bed soon, but she just couldn't face it. She buried her head back into the covers and once again had to fight off the urge to cry.
She inhaled the smell of her room, of her safe haven and her body slumped.
Her phone rang loudly in the silent room and she shot straight up. It was Austin calling, she knew from the specific song, but she wouldn't face him, not today.
She pressed ignore on the second ring.
Ally battled with herself for what seemed like hours, the silence unwelcome and looming over her. She felt almost wrapped in it, daring things in her mind just to make a sound and break it, as she would not, could not. Her dad would not disturb her from the cocoon she had made for hours from now, she knew.
Ally's resolve started crumbling and she crawled out from her mess of a duvet, reaching under her bed slowly to drag out the box of memories, the box of all the things from that one summer that her heart couldn't help but treasure.
Just as she was guiltily about to take the lid off of the box, her phone rang once more, shattering the built up silence and tension surrounding her.
She recognised Austin's ringtone and her body sagged from the exhaustion of dealing with people that she would rather not be talking to. Against her better judgement, she picked up this time.
"What do you want?" She asked coldly.
"Ally, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know we fought. I know I was a horrible friend, and even though to some people, what I said wouldn't have been important, I know it cut you deep, and I didn't mean to do that to you."
Ally could feel the tears welling up her eyes again. When she spoke, her voice was thick, "Why did you then?"
"I didn't mean to bring back those memories, of being picked on, or bullied, or of that guy. It was stupid of me to forget that under your tough exterior you're more fragile than the rest of us."
"Another insult to add to the list, then." Ally said bitterly.
"No!" Austin said immediately. Ally curled the duvet tighter around herself as he spoke. "Don't you get that it's a good thing? It makes you more real than us, better than us."
No one spoke for some minutes and Ally was just becoming accustomed to the silence once more when Austin spoke again softly. "Ally?" He questioned.
"Still here." She replied hoarsely.
"Can I come over?" Ally shook her head even though he couldn't see her, blinking back tears.
"Not today. Maybe tomorrow. I don't want to see you right now. I don't want to see anyone."
"Okay." He said gently, sadly. "Okay. I'll come and see you tomorrow, yeah?"
Ally didn't reply, she just ended the call and threw her phone to the end of the bed. Out of sight, out of mind.
She didn't even bother to battle with herself this time, just heaved the heavy box onto the bed and opened the lid, revealing pages of notes and letters, photos, souvenirs and anything else Ally had collected from California.
Ally studied the photos in great depth, her face sometimes smiling up at her, James' tanned arm wrapped around her shoulders or her waist, his green eyes seemingly smiling more so than his lopsided smile.
She remembered how he'd always smelt of the trees, of the earth and how his hair had been so soft, such a dark shade of brown that reflected the bright sun like he'd been wearing a halo. Ally's memories of that time were sometimes a little dazed and hazy, but she wasn't sure if that was because of the heat, or because she had been so happy with him.
The photos were neatly laid out in rows on her bed, her most favourite ones at the top. She had only taken about fifteen of the photos out, not wanting to make herself too nostalgic.
She pushed the box to the other side of the double bed, and dragged another, identical box from underneath the bed.
This one was full of him.
Before Ally had gone away, she had been sure she was falling far too fast for her best friend. She had hoped the break away from him would clear her mind, rid herself of these feelings for him, and it had.
But then, she'd come back. Two weeks of being back in Miami, back with him and the butterflies were fiercer; everything was suddenly sharper about him, clearer, as if Ally was only really seeing Austin for the first time.
It had been too hard not to fall in love with him all over again.
And now, she was stuck in a loop, a cycle of him treating her like she was the only one her ever saw, to pretending she didn't even exist when it came to another girl. Just thinking about it made Ally's head spin.
Looking outside, Ally noticed that it was dark, and gasped, realising how long she'd actually been analysing these photos. She flopped back onto her back, her body too tired to cope with this mix of emotions.
As she curled up into a little ball, she wondered what tomorrow would bring.
:::
Dear Book,
Austin knows. He knows everything.
—Ally.
"Hey Ally! Ally!" Austin said as he burst through her bedroom door. Ally sat straight up as he entered, her hair a mess once again and her thin pyjama top and shorts crumpled from being worn continuously.
"What are you doing here?" Ally said, eyes tired but still anxious and he leans against the door frame, directly opposite her, standing awkwardly. A hand goes behind his neck not so subtly.
"Well, yesterday, I said I'd come and see you tomorrow. And here I am." He gestures to himself.
"Get out." Ally says, crossing her arms defiantly.
"No— Ally please—"
"Why should I let you stay?" Ally cuts in, her stare unwavering and eyes like glass.
"Because," He lets out a slow breath, "There are a lot of things I have to tell you. Things that our friendship... might not withstand." Ally's heartbeat sped up and she cursed herself for not being able to subdue the hope that was slowly rising within her.
"Like what?"
Austin edged forward cautiously, and when Ally made no attempts to move, he perched on the end of her bed. "I love you." He says instead and she cannot hide the shock that slides across her face.
She goes to return the sentiment, seeing the hopeful look in his eyes as he stares into her soul. Instead, she says, "If you think that's an apology, then you'll have to be more original." Her mind screams at her.
He ducks his head and sighs. "I know I hurt you a lot, okay?" He looks up at her again, and she can see the tears brimming in his eyes too. "I'm admitting to you that I don't know how to make it right, I don't know what to do that can—"
He cuts off abruptly and she follows his gaze. Then, with slight horror, she realises she has left the pictures of her and James, and of her and Austin scattered all over her bed from yesterday.
"I can explain—" She starts but he just shakes his head.
He picks up her favourite picture of her and James. One that his friends took of them. They're so close to each other, her arms tightly wrapped around his neck and on her tippy toes, his arms anchoring her waist. They're about to kiss, their lips so close, but you can see they're laughing. His eyes shine and that's how she's always remembered him.
"So this is him, huh?" Austin asks quietly and Ally utters a timid, yes. Austin doesn't look at her, just stares sort of in awe at the photo. "You look happy."
"I was happy." She states, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"Do I not make you happy, then?" His makes his facial features blank, but his voice is raw.
"If you didn't make me happy, then there wouldn't be pictures of you here too." And for the first time, he seems to notice that his face is scattered across her bed sheets as well. A small smile lights his face and Ally can't help but smile softly at him.
Austin finds the picture of him and her, Ally's most favourite picture in the whole world. Her and Austin kissing.
It had been an accident. A hot summer's day, drunk on happiness, that lazy feeling of having all the time in the world, slowly cherishing your ice creams and looking at each other with those warm smiles.
He had kissed her, the taste of vanilla and fruity mint swirl mixing perfectly, even though it shouldn't. Just like us. Ally had thought at the time.
It had been a rather long kiss, and Trish had managed to snap a photo, which she mocked Ally about for days.
Ally never did tell her what had happened after it.
Austin had denied it had ever happened, brushing it off and immediately lining up girl after girl so as to keep Ally away. She had never been so hurt in all her life.
She wanted to scream at him, to make him understand that it wasn't fair that she could be lying there in her bed, thinking so hopelessly of him, while he lay in his bed, thinking lovingly of someone else.
"God Ally." Austin said, breaking her train of thought, "You don't know how much I thought about this. How afraid I was of even talking about it. So much for courage."
Ally felt small, pathetic once more. "You hurt me so much." He looked at her with wide eyes, as if this was news to him.
"I did?" She ignored him.
"I was so in love with you. I thought that was it, finally. But no, nothing ever goes right for Ally Dawson. I was so glad to get away, to get away from you and everything I'd been feeling. And then I met James, and I thought," Ally laughed bitterly at herself, "I thought when I came back, I'd be so over you, I wouldn't need to even tell anyone about James, but all it took was too weeks and I was far too deeply in love with you to forget it."
"So James was a distraction?" Austin asked hopefully. Ally looked at him aghast.
"Never. He was never, ever a distraction. When I was with him, I forgot you even existed. He made me so blindly happy."
Austin looked hurt. Ally didn't care all that much. "I never stopped thinking about you that summer. We never even spoke. You were all I could think about."
"Well maybe you understand some of my pain then. But I don't think you'll ever understand how much hurt you've brought along with the happiness you gave me." She twisted the corner of her duvet between her fingers absentmindedly, waiting for his reply.
"I don't know what to say, Ally. I want you to know that I adore you. When I look at you I see all the most beautiful things in the world, even though you're not perfect. You talk to me whenever you're ready, okay? I love you." He got up to leave and headed towards the door.
"You're leaving?" She said and he looked back to see her, so vulnerable in her night clothes, the duvet half over her and that sad expression on her face.
"I didn't think you'd want me here anymore." He says honestly.
"Please stay." She whispers and she knows that's it. She's too far gone now. She will forever love this boy with his stupid personality and tendency to hurt her without realising and his overly good looks.
They don't need words now, he sits next to her on the bed, pulling her into his lap and she falls into him, because her whole world —no matter how horrible he can be— nearly walked out the door and left her and that was a devastating thing to see.
"I love you." She says to him. "I love you, I love you, I love you."
"I'm sorry." He says into her hair and she can feel the hot tears. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."
And in that moment, where Ally knows this will be messy and there will be fights, she wants it so badly. He makes her so happy, more than she's ever known, and they've both messed up. He didn't believe her and she pushed him away, he betrayed her trust and she told him she forgot all about him for some other boy.
As Austin kisses her face gently, whispering I love you and I'm sorry over and over, and she cries, Ally knows her forever, for good or bad, is here, and he is there to stay.
:::
Dear Book,
Austin and I, we're officially together now. After all that everyone apologised to me, like they should've and Austin made me show them the picture of James and I, to prove that I had had a boyfriend.
He said that he did it because he wanted everyone to know that he'd always believe and trust me.
Some people may think he's being over the top, or sappy, but I never could. Partly because I'm with him, so I don't notice if he is being sappy, and partly because he hurt me, and we can both see he's just trying to make it up to me, which I'm grateful for.
Anyone else may not understand why everything got to me so much, why I took it so personally, but you do. After everything, I just got so emotional and I couldn't deal with anything around me anymore.
It's like, there may have been people with worse problems than me, but that wasn't going to stop that fact that I was hurt and upset and crying, and Austin knows that.
But it's okay. Everything's going to be okay.
I just have to breathe and take everything one step at a time.
Inhale. Exhale.
—Ally.
A/N: Hi everyone. I really, really hope you liked this because for whatever reasons, I am in love with this, and am very proud of it. I think it's because it hits kind of close to home..
Thank you, by the way, thank you so God damn much. After your reviews for my last one shot, I really am feeling loved, and the only thing that I ever really want from life is to feel appreciated, so thank you.
Please review, it makes me so happy to know that you took the time to write reviews, and that you care enough to, especially since I worked really hard on this for all of you.
—- Sophie.