Hey guys. Here's another one because life is shit and I've been trying to write the next chapter of ITR and this kind of happened. I've started it though so don't worry it'll probably be up soon. Also, there is mention of self-harm in this story consider yourselves warned.

I own nothing.

Still Alive but I'm Barely Breathing.

When I'd told Dimitri that he should take Tasha's offer that day on the roof at the ski lodge in Idaho, I hadn't expected him to listen to me. Oh, I had meant every word I'd said and my reasons for saying them still held true even now, but some part of me, a part I was becoming to realize was nothing but a naïve little girl, had thought he would stay.

And when the thing with the strigoi happened in Spokane and Mason died, I didn't know what to think anymore. All I knew was Dimitri had been the one who got me out of that house. He came back to the academy with us and it was him who convinced me that Mason's death wasn't my fault. Admittedly, I still didn't believe that sometimes. How could I when every time I closed my eyes I saw the moment Izaiah snapped Mason's neck? Technically, Mason had died because of me, because he had come back in to save me.

The thing was, with Dimitri by my side, his firm belief that Mason had made the choice to go hunt those strigoi, kind of grounded me. Every time I looked into Dimitri's eyes and saw how much he really believed it wasn't my fault, I kind of believed it too. But then, it happened.

A week after Mason's funeral and memorial services, Dimitri came to find me. He told me he was leaving. He said he was taking Tasha's offer. It was at that point that my heart stopped and my stomach plummeted right to my feet. I felt myself shutting down, felt everything in my life narrow down to the man standing in front of me, to his eyes as they held mine and to his lips which were moving but no words were coming out. At least if they were, I didn't know what they were. I couldn't hear them over the buzzing in my ears.

"Roza." It was one simple word, hell it was my name, but it held more power here than anything else he could've said. It brought me back from the brink of madness just for a second. "I'm going with her-"

"I already heard you, Dimitri. I heard you the first time," I said but he shook his head.

"Let me finish, Rose." Since Dimitri rarely ever called me 'Rose,' that was enough to shut me up.

"I'm going with her," He said again. But only to be her guardian." He launched into a story about how if there was going to be anything between us it was going to have to wait until I was older. I wanted to yell at him that I was going to be 18 in a few months, but the look in his eyes stopped me. "We're going to have to wait until after graduation. We can't be together while you're still a student here."

He was right. I knew he was, but if he was so right then why did it feel like my heart was breaking? Why did it feel so much like rejection? Why did it feel like we were saying goodbye? I had no answers for any of my questions, so instead I nodded, and let him wrap me up in his arms. I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes, determined not to cry.

That plan crumbled and scattered like ashes in the wind the second his lips met mine. His hands were on my cheeks, gently cupping my face, his lips soft and tender as they pressed against my own. And as I kissed him back, my body melting into his arms and eyes stinging with unshed tears, for just that moment all was right in the world. But then he was pulling away and walking out the door, and as it closed behind him, I fell to my knees, the tears I had been fighting now flowing freely down my face.

That had been over a month ago, but not much had changed since then. Ok no that wasn't true. Everything had changed since then, but it seemed I was the only person who noticed. With Dimitri gone, the academy felt different to me, empty somehow. I couldn't understand how everyone else was just going on with their lives like nothing had happened. Couldn't they feel the difference? Didn't they understand that I was falling apart?

I knew my thinking like this was irrational. Of course no one realized what Dimitri's absence meant to me, only I knew I was well on my way to being depressed. And maybe I shouldn't say no one noticed, because Adrian did, and he never let me forget it. Unfortunately for him, all that got him was my bitchy side. Actually everyone got that side of me these days, everyone but Lissa.

Dimitri's absence left me with nothing to do but train, and train I did. Training was kind of all I did honestly, but that was because I needed the outlet the physical activity provided and I needed to be able to guard Lissa after graduation. So when I wasn't at class or training with Alberta who had replaced Dimitri as my mentor, I was running the tracks or beating the hell out of something in the gym or in my room, trying to get some sleep and beating the hell out of my fists and the walls when I couldn't make myself go to sleep.

When Lissa forced me to do casual things with the group, I couldn't help but be completely on edge. Being around many people when it wasn't completely necessary made me uncomfortable now. Of course, she picked up on this fact and instead of dragging me off to do things, she sometimes brought everyone to my room which I preferred. I liked that no one tried to stop me when I curled up in bed while they filled the place up with their chatter. I liked that I didn't have to pretend to be ok when I was in the sanctuary of my room. I knew my friends worried about me, but I told them nothing and they didn't ask.

But sometimes, Lissa came alone. It was on one of those evenings when it was just she and I and a tub of ice-cream that I opened up to her. I told her everything, told her how I felt about Dimitri and how I hadn't thought he felt anything beyond the fondness of a student for me. I told her about the lust charm and how it was Victor's meddling which finally made me see that he felt something for me too. I told her how my mom had told me about Tasha's offer and Dimitri's possible acceptance of it and what had happened that day on the roof.

If I'd ever thought she would judge me for being in love with Dimitri, I couldn't have been more wrong. There were several reasons why Lissa was more than my best friend, and one of those was her huge heart. She had been sympathetic and sweet about the whole thing, holding me while I cried and crying with me, as well as going as far as telling me that maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought because like he'd said, he was only leaving to be her guardian. But best of all, she had gotten me more ice-cream and doughnuts, and had put off hanging out with Christian so she could stay with me until curfew. I still left the dorm after hours to go run the track that night, but for those few hours with Lissa I had been at peace.

Today was a different matter, however. Today peace evaded me. I'd barely gotten any sleep last night, something which made me bitchy on a regular day, and today was no different. Today my mood was as black as night, and since I'd already been in 3 combat classes and was tired as fuck, I was guessing no amount of physical activity was going to get me out of this one. Instead I zoned out while Guardian Yuri talked about the proper ways to kill a strigoi, after all this was something I had already covered with Dimitri, and something most novices already knew. I looked up when someone started passing out throwing knives.

"While these aren't silver stakes," Yuri said. "They could be enough to stun a strigoi. And if wielded properly, they could kill one."

I looked down at the throwing knife in my hand, my eyes zoning in on the tip. I ran my finger lightly over the sharp edge, thinking that with 2 of these it was possible to decapitate a strigoi. And then I couldn't help but think how easy it would be to draw my own blood, wondering if it would make me feel any better. My mind flashed back to Lissa, how she use to say that cutting made her feel better because the physical pain distracted her from the emotional pain.

I pressed the blade harder against my skin, not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough for it to hurt. It would be so, so easy to cut myself with the knife, so easy to say it was an accident. But I wasn't going to do it. After the hard time I'd given Lissa, how could I take a blade to my skin?

Not only that, but I knew I wasn't thinking clearly. Self-harm, unless it was me slamming my fist too hard into say a wall or something, was no plan of mine. It had never been and I wasn't about to start now, but standing there with that knife in my hand, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see the appeal. I knew I was tired and I knew this darker than usual mood might also have something to do with Lissa's magic. So sighing, I relaxed my grip on the knife and got in line with the rest of my classmates.

It was going to be ok, I told myself. Graduation was only in a few more months and then I would be with Dimitri. I ignored the voice in the back of my mind which whispered that Dimitri and Tasha could hook up before then. She was so beautiful anyone would be lucky to have her, and Dimitri deserved the very best. My mind supplied an image of Dimitri, of the way he would smile those full smiles and laugh around her when all I Got were chuckles and half smiles. And there went my trying to cheer myself up.

When Yuri called my name and told me to throw my knife at anyone of the life-sized dummies, I immediately lunged for the one with the black hair. I let the knife fly and smirked in satisfaction as it hit its target. As my teacher applauded my throw, I couldn't help but grin a bit. Throwing that knife at that dummy had felt great. I think I had just found a new way to work off steam.

And that night when I woke up from a particularly vivid nightmare about Dimitri and Tasha and a little girl with her hair and his eyes, I did find myself back in the gym. Oh, this dream was hardly as bad as the ones I had grown accustomed to, but to me it was worse, far, far worse. Because you see, it was all too easy to see how replaceable I was even if it was just a dream. And yet I knew that if they did get together and she was good to him I would accept it, because the only thing I wanted more than being with Dimitri was for him to be happy. If Tasha made him happy, then I wasn't going to stand in the way of that. It didn't matter that I'd found my forever and had let him walk away. It didn't matter that I was certain I was never going to love anyone more. If his being happy meant second best was all I was ever going to know, then I was fine with that.

I put myself through a punishing work out that night, the kind of work out that brought you to your knees and made you unsure about whether you could make it back to your room or not. It wasn't until I was sitting on the floor that I realized tears were streaming down my face. I didn't try to stop them, because I knew it was impossible. That dream had been so vivid, I could still see everything so clearly in my head. It was almost as real as if I'd been in a dream with Adrian though I knew I had not been. No this was all me, my subconscious and the universe conspiring against me as usual.

Sighing softly and sniffling, I dragged myself to my feet and went back to my room completely forgetting to be stealthy. I was sure the guardians who worked nights knew I was usually out and about anyway. I figured they just stayed away because Alberta had told them to. There was something in the older guardian's eyes that told me she knew. With another sigh I crawled into bed and curled in on myself, clutching a pillow to my chest as I let the tears fall. At some point they stopped, and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep, just the way I liked it.

Ok please don't hate me for ending it like this. This one really is a one shot that I really, really needed to write. I'd totally appreciate hearing your thoughts though so leave me some reviews please and thank you.

XXX

Roza