Hello my lovelies. ^_^
Okay, for clarification: what this fanfic is, is 14 canon GaaSaku clichés, and me making fun of them, in turn. But remember that this is PARODY–just think of it as humor/parody/romance, because this DOES have romance, and you don't have to squint or use a telescope to see it. And, because this is parody, DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY! 'k? I've heard about some awfully rude reviews for other parody fics, and would rather not have to delete, angst over, or get into a PM'ing argument over it. I also want to point out, that some of these 14 clichés I only know about from someone I know personally, who has been on this site since like, 2008, and have therefore never read myself. For example, #8 (they're numbered) was apparently all the rage years ago but hasn't been seen since–just in case anyone reads this and thinks, "that's not a cliché", because they ARE out there.
And yes, I was watching Friends (the tv show) when I decided how to do the little sub-titles at the beginning of every cliché here. Enough of me, enjoy. ^_^
Rated M for language, sexual implications, and varied adult themes...
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Cliché
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#1. The one where Gaara can't sleep.
"Once upon a time, there was a kingdom, far, far away, where an evil king ruled with an iron fist."
"What was his name?"
"Um... Madara."
"Uchiha?"
"Sure."
Gaara frowned at her, but nodded for her to continue.
Sakura took a deep breath before continuing. "Now, Madara was a cruel man, but the people loved him–"
"Wait," Gaara interrupted. "If he was so cruel, why did the people love him?"
"Because he also fed them, clothed them, and kept them safe from the war raging in the outside world," Sakura said. "He was cruel yes, but only to those who he deemed unworthy of his protection; the land of rain owed much to his organisation, the Akatsuki." She paused, waiting to see if he had any more questions, and then continued. "But one day, an enemy snuck into his kingdom–"
"What was his name?"
"Gaara," she snapped. "If you keep interrupting me, I'll never get done–I'm supposed to be helping you get to sleep, remember?"
Gaara was indeed tucked up in bed, a night-light the only source of illumination in his bedroom, while Sakura attempted to tell him a bed time story. Who'd have thought it would take the promise of a story to get the Kazekage into bed...
He groaned. "But it helps me picture it if I know who they were."
"Fine... his name was Jiraiya."
"Like the legendary Sannin?"
"Sure... As I was saying, Jiraiya snuck into his kingdom; Madara's right hand man, Nagato, sensed him and killed him–after all, he was an outsider."
"I don't know if I believe you."
Sakura shrugged her shoulders. "But news spread of what they did, and a neighbouring land declared war on them."
"What land?"
Sakura fought her scowl. "The land of fire, now shush. But eventually, both lands were evenly matched, so in order to settle the dispute, both leaders agreed to send their strongest warrior to fight each other in single combat, to determine the outcome of the war. Madara chose Tobi, the court jester, and the leader of the land of fire, Tsunade, sent her court jester, Naruto."
Gaara chuckled at that.
"Now, because neither was considered amongst the most powerful–the strongest had died in their war–it turned into a ramen eating contest."
"And Naruto won?"
"Yes, he did, and the Akatsuki were forced to disband, while the land of rain's army stood down and Naruto was proclaimed the new leader of their kingdom. The end."
"Thank-you Sakura," Gaara said sleepily. "I think I can sleep now."
Sakura smiled and tentatively, leant forward to kiss his cheek. "Sweet dreams, Kazekage-sama."
...
#2. The one where Shukaku decides Sakura is Gaara's mate.
Gaara needed a leash for Shukaku. Seriously, the damn thing had the attention span of a five year old: why just today, the demon had chased down five Genin, two Chunin, an inebriated Jounin, six civilians, and a very surprised looking squirrel.
'Konoha is full of fun things to play with.'
Stupid demon.
But above all else, Shukaku was attracted to shiny objects and no-one in Konoha shined quite like Sakura Haruno. Whether it was the leave-in conditioner or extra creamy body lotion... who knew? Either way, Shukaku was the kid, and Sakura his candy store. As for Gaara, he saw the attraction, and would be lying if he said he had never imagined her writhing and moaning underneath him... but he was no stalker.
This entire thing was Shukaku's fault.
Besides, stalking someone was actually rather boring. Unless the person in question was in a travelling circus, or some sort of super hero, the life of your ordinary person (and in this case, a medic who spent most of her time at the Konoha hospital and less time socialising or training than he remembered her doing before he became Kazekage) was not all that exciting to watch.
Day in... day out... it was the same routine, and his boredom had pushed him to do the unthinkable.
'It really shouldn't be this easy to kidnap someone from Konoha,' he thought, appraising the unconscious body underneath him with his hands.
'You know you want her,' the demon growled.
Gaara stopped moving when he felt a surge of familiar chakra. 'Fuck yes... wait, what?'
'There's no use denying it kid, she's as horny for you as you are for her–always has been.'
'Fuck off.'
'Can't, kid–you're the one with the working equipment right now, not me.'
'I'm not taking advantage of her.'
'Then let's play a little game, shall we?'
Gaara growled at Shukaku. 'You're crazy.'
'I'd rather be crazy than bored.'
'Well, you're half-way there.'
"Gaara..."
She was coming to.
"Where am I?"
Gaara watched her patiently, as she groggily realised she was bound and in a forest. "Five hours from Konoha," he finally answered.
"Huh?"
"..."
"Why am I here?"
Gaara purred at her, nuzzling her. "I'm going to make you love me as much as I love you, my kitten."
"But I already do love you Gaara."
Shukaku did a jig in his head, and had just started singing 'Gaara and Sakura, sitting in a tree...' when the full weight of Sakura's words finally hit the Kazekage. He pulled away to look at her better.
"You already love me?" He asked.
"Of course."
"That's insane." It really was. He was supposed to woo her Kami damn it! This was too quick and easy.
"True..." She said slowly. "But I'm the foremost heroine in this story, so everyone's expecting me to get the hottest guy. Are you saying that's not you?"
He opened his mouth to argue the point, and then shut it in defeat. "Then what about Naruto? He still likes you."
Sakura shrugged. "I'll buy him a new blow up doll–he's easily distracted and attracted to shiny objects, so it's fine."
Must be a demon thing.
...
#3. The one where Sakura's in danger and is sent to Suna to keep her safe.
There were worse things than being stuck in Suna against her will.
"Brainstorming session!" Kankuro called, clapping his hands together enthusiastically as Sakura, Gaara, and Temari took their seats in the otherwise empty academy classroom.
And this was one of them.
Sakura really hoped this wasn't some kind of lame-assed plan to get into her pants. Sasuke wanted to revive his clan after all, and the last time she saw him, he'd been all leery... she hadn't slept properly for a week. He hadn't actually given the Hokage a reason for his sudden interest in her, and Sakura was beginning to wonder why the criminal mastermind had even warned them at all.
So here Sakura was, cooling her heels in Suna (figuratively speaking, since this place didn't seem to know the meaning of the term "seasonal changes"), stuck here, and waiting for permission to return home. And Kami decided to torture her further–the Sand siblings were just as fascinated by this turn of events as she was annoyed by them.
"Okay class," Kankuro said, rummaging around in his briefcase; behind him was a whiteboard, and once he'd extracted a small box full of markers, and an eraser from his carrycase, he grinned a cheesy grin. Turning away, he wrote on the whiteboard:
KANKURO'S CLASS ON BRAINSTORMING.
"Original," Temari scoffed.
He looked hurt. "We're here to figure out why Sasuke is after Sakura-chan. Take this seriously, would you?" He cleared his throat. "Theories?"
Sakura raised her hand and he pointed to her. "Sasuke wants to revive his clan."
Kankuro wrote this down on the board. "Uh-huh. He's awfully picky then."
"Ooh, he's in love with you!" Temari cooed.
Gaara let out a growl.
"No speaking out of turn," Kankuro roused. "Raise your hand if you have a theory. Yes, Gaara?"
The Kazekage was only here because Kankuro had his teddy bear at ransom. "To heal his Sharingan."
"Very good Gaara," Kankuro praised him, and Temari mumbled "puppet's pet" under her breath.
Sakura raised her hand again. "Sasuke could be trying to kidnap me because he sees me as the weak link in Team Kakashi, and wants me for bait for Naruto."
"So he really likes Naruto?" Kankuro asked, shivering dramatically, and turned again to write on the whiteboard.
"Don't be homophobic," Temari chastised.
"I'm not homophobic, I'm Sasuke-phobic," he retorted. "And I said no speaking out of turn."
"I'll give you talking out of turn," she snapped, her hand going to the latch on her iron fan threateningly.
"Fine!" Kankuro threw his whiteboard marker in the air dramatically, rolling his eyes at the ceiling. "Talk all you want!"
"He isn't gay," Sakura said (Kankuro immediately recovered his marker, and wrote down a few of his own ideas–which was to say, ridiculous ones), remembering the way Sasuke had looked at her. "And neither is Naruto–he's dating Hinata after all."
Kankuro giggled girlishly, winking at the pinkette. "Well, maybe Hinata can share them."
"I'm starting to think I'm the only sane sand sibling," Temari said seriously.
"I agree with Kankuro," Gaara added, eager for the idea that Sasuke wasn't romantically or sexually interested in Sakura.
His sister scoffed. "Of course you do."
Kankuro frowned at Sakura. "How do you know that Sasuke isn't gay?"
She rolled her eyes. "Because the last time I saw him, he was giving me the same look Naruto used to give me years ago."
Kankuro thought about that. "Team Seven threesome!"
Sakura groaned, Gaara looked murderous (Kankuro wasn't sure why...), and Temari hit the puppet master upside his head.
"Idiot."
...
#4. The one with the drunken one night stand.
Sabaku no Gaara was many things–a reformed bad guy, the fifth Kazekage, and one of the few people in Suna or Konoha that could keep up with Naruto when the idiot went on one of his ramen binges... but he was not a pin-up boy! He resisted every lure, escaped every trap, and outsmarted every trick Ino Yamanaka came up with, to have his picture taken, half naked. It wasn't until after that suspicious skinny dipping incident with Naruto (and eventually the rest of the males of the famed Konoha Eleven) that it occurred to him that both blondes were in on it from the beginning.
Gaara was a sex symbol. There was just no way of getting around that. So he decided to take advantage of it–after all, what kind of self-respecting man would he be if he didn't capitalize on the single incident that now had his recent crush hanging off his arm?
The party for that infernal calendar Miss Yamanaka had done up–Men of Shinobi–was only just getting into the swing of things, and Sakura Haruno was already on her way to being drunk. It had also been suspiciously planned for the night before his eighteenth birthday...
"Mr January!" Sakura half-screamed in his ear. "Do you like it?" She asked, not noticing the besotted look on his face at the protracted close contact. "You're Mr January because that's when your birthday is!"
Uh-huh...
Two hours and seven shots later, she was on her knees in front of him and putting her mouth to better use.
He was extremely proud of himself (six inches long, and five inches around–according to everything he'd read, there was nothing wrong with that). Larger wasn't necessarily better. So Gaara was not embarrassed by his size–from the first time Kankuro nagged him about comparing sizes, to when Naruto just had to show himself off to the redhead, asking, "do you think I'm well hung?" Gaara had never felt like he needed to match up. Especially when he read that book Sai had loaned him the last time he'd visited Konoha–for fuck sake, he was about to turn eighteen, and was still growing!
And the sight of the legendary pink haired medic's eyes lighting up when she'd first seen his little friend was one that made having his body put on display in that ridiculous calendar (keeping his dignity intact, thankfully), worthwhile. His smug expression didn't go unnoticed, and Sakura pushed him onto her bed (it was her apartment), and climbed on top of him.
"Naughty Mr January," she chided, grinning wickedly down at him.
Her clothes magically disappeared, and Gaara let the primal desire to screw Sakura senseless take over...
*The next scene was censored because Mr January is a trademark of Yamanaka Publications... and despite what that baka Sai would say, she's not actually into porno*
Gaara rolled away from Sakura, exhausted. She lifted her head to double check that it was after midnight, cuddled up to her human pillow, and then sung "happy birthday, Mr January," before closing her eyes to sleep.
...
#5. The one where Gaara is a problem patient.
He had the nurses screaming (and not in the good way), the other patients gritting their teeth, and every single person who came within a foot of him while carrying any kind of medical instrument fearful for their lives. But to Sakura, this was just another day at the office. Screaming children, pubescent boys looking to score, body shy adults, and ninja with a suspicious number of shaving cuts: and now she had to deal with a Kazekage that never failed to terrorize, come rain, hail, snow, floods, an earthquake, the apocalypse, or the next Great Shinobi War.
Sakura didn't mind looking over Gaara, as she'd never seen him naked before, and frankly, that was the best part of a medical check-up of this kind when it came to fit, well-endowed Shinobi. She was a master at keeping her carnal thoughts to herself though, so this was her secret, and would stay that way, lest they get the wrong idea.
"Good morning Kazekage-sama," she said cheerfully, upon entering the examination room–he was not remotely naked, unfortunately, but she would soon change that. Closing the door behind her, she ignored his menacing growl. "My name is Sakura Haruno, and I'll be your doctor for today–you can just go ahead and call me Sakura. Now, let's get started shall we? First things first, take off all your clothes. Don't worry, I'm a professional."
She had the best job in the world!
He didn't move. But given who this was, she wasn't surprised. Sakura gave him a sickly sweet smile. "Tsunade-shishou taught me how to immobilize and undress my problem patients, so either take your own clothes off, or I'll do it for you. Oh, and I took the liberty of chakra sealing this room, so you're not getting out of here until you do what I tell you."
Growling and weighing his options, Gaara eventually did as he was told... slowly, and perhaps in an attempt to delay the inevitable.
"This isn't a strip show Gaara-sama," she said, still pretending to be sweet. "Move faster."
First came the shirt... that was a given. It was actually more of a jacket. It occurred to Sakura that she could completely take advantage of Gaara like this, and no-one else would be the wiser. She narrowed her eyes at him when he paused, and reluctantly, Gaara finally stripped down to his boxers. He returned her glare, and she decided to let him keep his boxers on, for now. There was no reason just yet, to examine his penis... though the cogs in her head were working on overtime to remedy that.
"Okay," she said, cheery again. "We'll begin with taking your blood pressure."
The basics were over quickly, and before Sakura knew it, Gaara had started to somewhat relax. She was just about to start the chakra based examination when he spoke for the first time.
"What does that do?"
Sakura looked over her shoulder, to where he was pointing. "That's a defibrillator–it gives an electric shock to your heart, when it's beating irregularly."
He raised a non-existent eyebrow. "Shinobi let you do that to them?"
She giggled. "No, it's a civilian thing. Legally, they're treated differently, because their bodies aren't used to invading chakra–"
"But in an emergency?"
"Yeah, I'd heal a civilian with chakra if there's nothing else."
"Irregular heartbeat..." Gaara stared at it. "My heart is beating irregularly."
"I have medicine for that Kazekage-sama, but frankly–"
"Zap me."
"What?" Her eyes widened. "You don't need–"
"I said zap me woman," he growled. His sand responded angrily to her refusal.
"It's dangerous," she explained. "If you're perfectly healthy–"
"I told you, my heart is beating irregularly."
"There's no reason for that." But she checked, and sure enough, his pulse was erratic. "What the..."
"It's your fault," he said. "If you hadn't locked me in here and forced me to strip, my heartbeat would have been just fine."
"You're embarrassed," she said. "That's why your heart is... as crazy as you." He "hn'd" her and she narrowed her eyes at him. "It's not shameful!"
"For you–you've now seen me practically naked."
She wanted to smack him for that. Instead, she poked her tongue and started the chakra procedure, inadvertently touching his well-toned, lean six-pack. "Aah!" She squealed, jumping back from him as if struck by lightning. His sand armour hadn't fallen away like it should, and retaliated.
"That was your fault," he admonished, quickly, before she could snap at him.
She growled. "And how was I supposed to know–"
Gaara interrupted her. "Now you have to kiss it better."
"Nani!"
"You heard me."
Sakura wasn't sure how this had all gotten out of control. But she decided to compromise, allowing a cheeky smirk to grace her features. "Sure, I'll kiss it better... but only if you lose the boxers."
And that was how one completely undressed the Kazekage.
...
#6. The one where Sakura explains what love really is.
"Sex isn't love," Sakura stated matter-of-factly.
"I don't know, are you sure?" Naruto asked, scratching his chin thoughtfully.
"Who asked you?" She snapped.
He pointed at Gaara. "He did."
She growled at the Kazekage. "You asked him first?"
"I did not," Gaara defended. "I asked him what he could possibly see in Hinata Hyuuga."
Naruto shrugged. "Same thing."
"As much as this reunion tickles me pink, Naruto," Sakura said sarcastically. "Go away."
"Why?"
"She's teaching me about love," Gaara replied.
Naruto grinned cheekily. "So you two were about to have sex, huh?"
"What? No!" Sakura snapped, turning red.
"What did she tell you before I so boldly interrupted?" Naruto asked the bemused redhead, while ignoring the angry pinkette.
"That there are different kinds of love," Gaara answered. "Like familial love, which I have for my siblings, and camaraderie, like I have for my friends. And–"
"And sex?"
"Naruto," Sakura growled warningly.
"Yes, sex," the Kazekage replied evenly.
"I was just getting to that part," Sakura said. "But I really should've talked about romantic love first."
Gaara was confused. "Romantic?"
"The kind Naruto has for Hinata, and the reason they have sex."
Naruto's grin widened.
Gaara thought about that. "So that's for guys and girls?"
She shrugged. "Or girl on girl–" (Naruto giggled shamelessly) "–or guy on guy."
The blonde let out a girlish scream. "No! I hate guy love!"
"Love doesn't care what sex you are," Sakura snapped at him.
"Ah-hah!" Naruto screamed, pointing at the pinkette. "Sex IS love!"
"Seriously," Gaara whined, "why are you even here?"
"Can't a Hokage just drop in to see his favourite ex-Jinchuriki Kazekage?"
"No."
"Sakura-chan invited me!"
"Liar."
"Uh, I was in the neighbourhood?"
"Big neighbourhood."
Naruto nodded enthusiastically. "Yep."
"He's being sarcastic," Sakura informed him.
He sighed. "I was bored."
"So you travelled for three days to find some entertainment?"
"Kaka-Sensei was creeping me out."
"So you travelled for three days to get away from him?"
Naruto sniffled. "Fine... Hinata wants babies."
"If you love your wife," Gaara said wisely. "You'll go home."
Naruto threw his arms around Sakura's shoulders and hummed into her neck. "And what kind of love is this?"
She shivered involuntarily and punched him across the room. "The creepy kind."
...
#7. The one with the arranged marriage.
The crowd quietened, and Baki, the former Sensei to the fifth Kazekage of the sand, looked out over the friends and family of the not so happy couple. This was really a boring ceremony, but he supposed someone had to do it. The words he'd uttered countless times before started rolling off of his tongue.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here, to witness the union of not only two incredible ninjas, in their own right, but the villages of sand and leaf." He turned his attention back to the soon to be bride and groom, deciding to skip over the non-existent vows, since this was an arranged marriage, and not one based on mutual respect that eventually blossomed into true love.
"Do you, Gaara, as the Godaime Kazekage of the sand, take Sakura Haruno, as your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and health?" Baki cleared his throat, and inwardly smirked. "I mean, will you always leave the toilet seat up and claim to have forgotten you live with a woman and not a man in drag? Will you refrain from complaining that her rack is so small that even when you do finally manage to knock her up, you'd still feel like you're fondling a mannequin?"
A chuckle came from the crowd, and Baki ignored it, his eye on Sakura and her increasingly pissed off expression. "And if she tries to escape from you through the bathroom window, will you tie her down, and tickle her until she finally agrees to have sex with you? And if you find yourself lonely at two o'clock in the morning, while your wife is still at the hospital, will you take pleasure with your hand, rather than go out and find some willing whore to take Sakura's place?"
Baki narrowed his single visible eye at his Kazekage's face, looking for a hint of the shock he knew the man was feeling–so far, he hadn't moved to shut him up, but the twitch in his eye was very telling. "Will you always put pressure on Sakura to choose Suna over Konoha, even if we go to war, and chain her to your bed to keep her from defecting? And if Sakura decides to divorce you and take the kids to Konoha to live, will you hunt her down, drag her back kicking and screaming, and declare your creepy, unholy love for her, thus winning her back and going back to fucking like rabbits?"
He raised an eyebrow at his Kazekage. "Well?"
After a moment of debating if he'd be forgiven for killing the man where he stood, Gaara gave in, sighing heavily, and just decided to go with it. "I do."
"And do you, Sakura–"
"Yes," Sakura interrupted fiercely. "I do take Gaara as my lawfully wedded husband."
The same person who'd chuckled before, now wolf-whistled... and she had a sneaky suspicion who it was.
Baki shrugged his shoulders in defeat. "Fine, I now pronounce you man and wife–you may now kiss each other and make everyone in the room gush, swoon and/or sob over you."
...
#8. The one where Sakura reluctantly opens her home to the sand siblings.
"I don't snore!"
"Do so."
"Do not!"
"Do so!"
Kankuro stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry at his sister. "Take that back!"
Temari rolled her eyes. "Real mature."
There was no spare bedroom, and somehow, still plenty of space, according to the Hokage, who had gotten it into her head that Sakura was the only ninja in Konoha capable of housing the Sand Siblings. She didn't get how both Naruto and Kakashi, who had more room than she did, had gotten out of this.
"Unless you want to accidentally see me naked," Sakura said to Temari (who promptly grimaced...), "or get pummelled for trying to see me naked," she added to Kankuro (who had been suddenly excited, but now looked terrified), "neither of you will be in my room tonight. You just have to spend tonight on the floor of my living room."
It was just for one night after all–their hotel had mysteriously burned down the moment the Suna delegation had started cooking their dinner the night before.
"What about you, Gaara?" Sakura asked, as Temari resigned herself (sitting on the couch, while Kankuro sulked, dropped to his knees, and pretended to cry into a cushion).
"I don't sleep," the redhead informed the pinkette.
"But Shukaku is gone–"
"I don't sleep," he repeated.
"He's rather anal about where he conks out," Kankuro said, his face still pressed into the cushion. Then he pulled away from it and inhaled deeply, like he was short of breath. "So don't panic if he doesn't come back to the apartment until after sunrise: it just means he's fallen asleep at his desk. Uh, I mean, the desk the Hokage has provided for him." He returned to inhaling the cushion, now curling into a foetal position.
"I learnt not to come home after sundown back in Suna," Gaara explained, when Sakura looked concerned.
"Look," Kankuro stated, sitting up, and glaring at his brother. "If a man wants to walk around naked in his own home in the middle of the night, that's his business."
"And that's WAY too much information," Sakura told him. "And, by the way, NOT something you'll be doing here."
Temari scoffed. "Of course not: he doesn't have a death wish, after all–we'd both kill him, Sakura, don't worry."
"So you'll be okay out here, with... them?" Sakura asked the Kazekage, taking fearful note of the tug-of-war for temporary ownership that Temari and Kankuro were having with the largest cushion on her couch.
"No," he admitted, grimacing. "But I'm used to them, I suppose."
"You could spend the night in my room," she offered timidly.
Gaara was now having a slight panic attack (his siblings were now playing rock-paper-scissors for the cushion). "Sure, why not? And just so you know, I draw the line at cuddling."
"Perfectly understandable," she agreed, smirking at his joke (who wouldn't want to cuddle her?).
"You're going to sleep together?" Kankuro asked, rubbing his head gingerly (Temari won the rock-paper-scissors... violently).
"I don't sleep," Gaara reminded his brother, before following the pinkette, and ignoring the implications of his words–Sakura was going to kill him, but it would be worth it... in the end.
"You know, I think we got off lightly," Temari said, watching the not-really-a-couple-but-so-totally-are, disappear into Sakura's bedroom. She shivered involuntarily at the mental images of Sakura beating Gaara to a pulp for trying to cop a feel. Kankuro's visions were decidedly more... voyeuristic.
"Au contraire, my dear sister," he said dramatically at the sound of giggling coming from Sakura's room, and waved his hand pompously. "I am now scarred for life."
...
#9. The one where Sakura is Gaara's escort.
The 'the five yen tour' of Konoha was best taken at night, or so Sakura postulated, because if she was going to be stuck with being Gaara's escort, she was going to show him around after office hours, and before happy hour. It was his first official visit to Konoha since becoming Kazekage, so on top of wanting to make a good impression, she also wanted to come out of it more or less as insane as she was when she went in.
That was the plan anyway.
But walking for hours with a guy who didn't initiate conversation, and rarely spoke back, was boring. What was after insane? Homicidal? Yeah, that was where she was headed.
"And that is a park," Sakura said emotionlessly, waving her hand toward the smallest public park in Konoha–he'd seen almost everything, and she no longer cared about being delicate. "Apparently, Ino lost her virginity there."
Gaara's eyes widened, but the pinkette kept going.
She pointed between the building in front of her and the shop next door. "That's an alleyway–another place that's memorable for Ino."
A few minutes later (and about a dozen places Gaara made a mental note not to visit ever again), Sakura found her former favourite ice-cream stall. "And that's Bobo's Ice-cream Parlour–Ino desecrated that just last night. Why she would–"
"Is there any place I can go where this Ino girl didn't have sex with someone?" Gaara interrupted, grumpy.
Sakura thought about that. It really was a good question. "Naruto told me about his–"
"Forget I asked." Gaara was just wondering if this girl was some kind of sex addict (and frankly, if she had office hours), when he spotted a building she hadn't pointed out yet, curious suddenly. It looked interesting. "How about that place?" He asked.
Sakura looked over to what he was pointing at. "That's a whorehouse, Gaara-sama."
...
#10. The one with Sakura's temper.
"Welcome to my Fortress of Solitude," Kankuro said, pulling Karasu up to his chest protectively as Sakura angrily stormed into his puppet storage room without warning... followed by an equally irritated looking Gaara. "Thank-you so much for knocking: what can we do for you?"
"It's nothing!" Sakura snapped.
"Then why did you–"
"And I told you to let me look at it," Gaara admonished.
"I don't need your help."
"Uh, guys?" Kankuro waved at them. "Why are you in here?"
But they continued to ignore him.
"Yes you do."
"No Gaara, I don't. You know what your problem is?"
"Pink haired Kunoichi who can't control their anger?"
Sakura growled at the Kazekage. "No: you can't handle me." She poked his chest, causing him to growl at her in return. "I'm all woman Gaara, not some kiddie like your fangirls. I take work: you're scared of me."
Gaara grabbed her hand, halting her poking and prodding. "You don't scare me, woman."
"Then stop pussyfooting around," she snapped.
"Why did you even come to Suna?"
"Aaargh!" She screamed, throwing her hands in the air. "I can't stand you when you're like this!"
He knew very well why her shishou had banished her from Konoha.
"I tire of your complaining."
"You're tired of my complaining? Well, I'm tired of your indifference," she growled. "I'm angry that you don't get angry like a normal person, I'm frustrated by your apathy. I hate that you can't show me you love me, let alone say it, I–"
"GUYS!" Kankuro yelled, interrupting Sakura's ranting, and finally garnering their attention. "If you're going to argue, scream, realise you're both idiots for arguing and screaming at each other, and then have make-up sex, can you do it elsewhere, please?"
"Fine, let's go Gaara," Sakura said. "Leave him with his stupid puppets."
Kankuro let out an involuntary sob and Gaara glanced at him. "You broke him."
"He's not a toy, Gaara!" She half-screamed. "And come to think about it, neither am I! Stop dressing me up in my sleep!"
"Kankuro and Temari are my siblings," Gaara defended, pretending she didn't complain about her recent array of new clothes.
"You mean your pets," she retorted. "You keep them in the Kazekage mansion, don't you?" She turned on Kankuro. "And you: grow up–no wonder Gaara treats you like a child, if all you do all day is play with dolls!"
She stormed out of the room, the Kazekage hot on her heels.
"There, there," Kankuro cooed to Karasu, once they were alone again. "Don't listen to her: she's just jealous because you're prettier than she is."
...
#11. The one with the Forest of Death.
She was alone, tired, hurt, and frightened when he came for her. Sakura barely had enough chakra left to sustain herself when the sand started forming around her. He looked like he could take down Rock Lee in one bone crushing move, send Sasuke to the psych ward, and drain Naruto dry. Sakura remembered him... his name was Gaara, and he was from the sand village. Right: sand... it was everywhere now, and she growled at the intrusion. He looked mildly intrigued one moment, and then pissed off the next.
'Eh, must be my imagination.'
'Yeah, the guy with the crazy look on his face won't eat us, really.'
Sakura scoffed at her inner and focused on the fully formed Shinobi in front of her. He scared her, but if she pretended he didn't, maybe he could be convinced she wasn't worth his time.
He gave her a lopsided, twisted smile. "I'm going to kill you now."
"Huh, why?"
"You looked at me the wrong way."
"No I didn't."
He hesitated. "Yes you did."
"I did not."
"You did so."
"Did not."
"..."
She tried to keep her face calm. "You can't prove anything."
He sighed. This was boring. "Fine, I'll leave you alone, in exchange for something that'll make this whole thing worth my while."
"You want something in return for leaving me unharmed?" She asked, aghast. "That's extortion!"
"I'm a Shinobi," the boy stated. "It's what's expected. I don't know what you are, but you're no Kunoichi, so I guess I understand why you're so stupid."
"I am so a Kunoichi!"
Gaara smirked despite himself–Shukaku found this funny, and so did he, apparently. "Then where's your team?"
'Nowhere near here,' she thought.
'Kick him in the balls and run!'
Sakura scoffed inwardly. 'And then he'd just chase me and kill me.'
'He's going to kill us anyway–at least this way, he can't make it look like an accident.'
"If you don't answer me, I'm just going to kill you anyway," the creepy boy said, staring at her hungrily–did he eat people?
She panicked. "If you kill me, you'll have to deal with the body..."
"I can bury you beneath the earth without having to dig a hole," he deadpanned, and she shivered.
Sakura wondered if he said this to every Kunoichi. "Okay... but if you don't kill me... uh, I'll let you join my cult."
'Lame! We're dead for sure, you idiot!'
'Oh Kami...' She tried not to gape at him like the idiot her inner accused her of being. But this wasn't over unless he killed her, and she found a surge of confidence when his voraciously murderous eyes turned curious.
"You're in a cult?"
Sakura nodded.
"And do you sacrifice people?" He asked hopefully, thinking that would be a better excuse to kill whoever he wanted and whenever he wanted, than some lame invasion on the leaf.
She frowned, knowing that she'd never be able to convince him she was cold blooded. "Yes, but not me–I'm just in the administration; I handle the recruitment."
Gaara fell silent ominously, and she panicked at the thought of her last ditch but somehow eerily fitting excuse was failing as she stared back at him. He didn't look like he believed her.
"What's the religion?" He asked.
She thought quickly. "The Clergy of Jashin..."
Gaara brightened. "I've heard of them–they're supposed to be big on killing people. Okay, sign me up."
Sakura sighed in relief when the creepy boy eventually left her alone. Who'd have thought that it really did pay to negotiate with a psycho?
...
#12. The one where Sakura is tired of being left behind by her friends.
"Keep the camera steady, Kiba."
"Yes, Miss Tight-wad."
"You're lucky I want to jump you," Ino snarled. "Or I'd chop your balls off."
Kiba made a whinny noise as his girlfriend cleared her throat, and followed her obediently, carrying the camcorder–he found what they were doing as intrusive, but Ino assured him it was for Sakura's own good. People loved Sakura, and if she really was in a steamy relationship with the number one on Konoha's list of favourite foreign heartthrobs, said people had the right to know. After all, the girl couldn't remain a virgin forever–and Ino hoped being the odd one out at their monthly Konoha Eleven get-togethers for the sixth time in a row had finally given the pinkette motivation to actually go out and get laid.
They tracked down Naruto easily enough–orange was out every season, so no-one else would wear it–then Sai, and finally Yamato. The jinchuriki wept loudly and became inconsolable when Ino mentioned the possibility of Sakura having sex with the Kazekage, while Sai launched into a soliloquy about Gaara's impotency due to having to date someone so ugly... needless to say, Ino slapped them both silly. Yamato kept offering them suspicious looking tea, wishing Kiba a happy un-birthday, and making creepy motions for Ino to follow him alone, into his new house in the middle of the woods... So Ino and Kiba hid behind a billboard (ironic) to wait for the most elusive member of Team Kakashi to finish with his weekly trip to the porn store (in his defence, he did keep the days random–Wednesday one week and Friday the next...).
And as soon as he exited the store, Ino shoved her microphone in the copy ninja's face. "Kakashi-Sensei! We're interviewing people close to Sakura for the Konoha News; would you care to comment on the whirlwind romance that's developed between Sakura and the Kazekage, and on your former student finally getting laid?"
Not looking remotely startled to be in front of a camera, the copy ninja smiled at her, the crinkling of his visible eye giving Ino heart palpitations... the very good kind. "I always thought they'd look cute together."
"Really?" She smiled sweetly. "So you weren't the one that sent Gaara-sama a threatening letter covered in the drool of your dog summons just last week?"
"Uh... look at that," Kakashi said, pointing; like the excited airhead she was, Ino spun around to see what he was pointing at–completely missing the distinctive poof, as he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"Uh, Ino?" Kiba said, scratching his head. "Kakashi-Sensei's gone."
Ino groaned. "Tight-assed motherfucking piece of scrumptious meat..." She clenched her fists. "Oh well, let's head to the next person on my list."
Tsunade sighed wistfully at the new questions, once Ino posed them to her–and once the Inuzuka following her finally managed to stop ogling her breasts. "I didn't know the Kazekage was engaged... yes, Suna has more than its fair share of secrets. As Hokage, I would never lie to my people," she added unconvincingly.
"Yeah..." Ino gave her a funny look. "I've heard that expression, 'what happens in Suna stays in Suna', but I was actually referring to the rumours of Sakura being pregnant. Do you have anything to add?"
"Depends: how much do you have on you?"
"Uh, Lady Hokage?"
Tsunade gave her a weird look. "I'm hung over."
"Oh... I'm not allowed to carry alcohol, or anything flammable, or get within three feet of sharp instruments that aren't already classified as weapons..."
Tsunade slammed her fists on her desk. "Then get out of my office!"
Kiba dragged a shell-shocked Ino out of the building. "Are we done?"
Recovering, Ino shook her head. "One more stop." Five minutes later, she brushed at her fringe unnecessarily as she addressed the camera. "And finally, here we are at the house of the elusive Sakura Haruno, who has thus far evaded this journalist."
Confidently, she knocked loudly, readying herself for the imminent temper of her best friend... However, it was Gaara that answered the door and for a moment, Ino was spellbound–he was dripping wet, wearing only a towel and she could just make out the deep V of his pelvis and hip bones. Sakura was one lucky bitch.
"Yes?"
Ino snapped herself out of her reverie as Gaara addressed her. "Um, hi Kazekage-sama, we're looking for Sakura. Is she home?"
Gaara gave Kiba and his camera the most dispassionate glare she'd ever seen, before turning back to her. "Yes."
"Can we come in? You see, forehead–"
"No."
She pouted. "Why not?"
"..."
"Okay..." Ino frowned. "So, for the record, are you and Sakura dating?"
A dark cloud descended and before she could make a hasty retreat from his terrifying aura, the woman of the moment appeared beside him, also not wearing much at all–a much more terrifying aura, depending on which body part one was afraid of losing.
"Ino pig, I told you: no more exposés on my sex life!" Sakura snapped, growling loudly and slamming the door shut in her best friend's face.
"So there you have it folks," Ino said, slightly flustered, fighting the blush on her face and ignoring the jealous scowl from her boyfriend/cameraman. "Conclusive proof that, just like the rest of us, Sakura Haruno has indeed finally started taking time off of her busy work schedule to get thoroughly fucked..."
...
#13. The one where Sakura trains Suna medics.
Gaara was eager to see Sakura. Temari was eager to see Shikamaru. Kankuro was just eager... "Yay! Visitors!"
Never mind that they weren't actually in Suna for him.
Nobody ever came to Suna just for him.
And that hot chick, Ino Yamanaka, wouldn't even return his hawk messages.
So he decided to follow Sakura around–the only other visitor to Suna right now was Shikamaru and he did NOT want to walk in on him doing the horizontal with Temari. It didn't take much convincing, since Sakura was fine with him attending the medic classes with the other pubescent children, since he was just a big kid himself.
(Funnily enough, once Gaara had stopped deciding to kill people left and right, Kankuro started warming up to children–that and Temari's relationship with Shikamaru spurred him to learn all he could about the brats, since it was only a matter of time before he became an uncle.)
Sakura stood at the front of the Academy classroom.
"This is a test dummy," she explained, pointing to the stuffed mannequin laid out on her desk, once the class had settled down for the lesson. "It's anatomically correct, so yes," she rolled her eyes at the sudden interest of her students, "it has genitals."
The cat-calls were completely unnecessary.
She brandished a scalpel. "So, who wants to make the first incision?"
No-one offered.
Kankuro stood up, stretched his arms out in front of him, and cracked his knuckles. "Step aside kiddies and let me at 'em, I'm a professional."
Giggles followed him as he made his way to the front.
"What are you doing?" Sakura whispered to him.
"Relax," he winked. "They're all too nervous–I'll show 'em not to be."
Reluctantly, Sakura handed the scalpel over. "If you please, Kankuro, extract the heart from the test dummy."
"Hm..." He poked the dummy with the point of the blade thoughtfully, "here..." and then shoved the scalpel into its chest.
The test dummy started writhing, spewing out what looked like pools of blood–the colour of red, Sakura had designed it to be realistic... and the internal organs soon followed.
Kankuro let out a high-pitched scream and promptly fainted. The students moved as one; like stampeding elephants, they charged for the door. Panicked, stampeding elephants, disappearing in a dust cloud...
It seemed that Sakura was the only one who'd noticed the extra chakra signature in the room–she scowled at Gaara as he appeared, his sand swirling, not dangerously, but definitely pleased with himself. The test dummy had not been torn apart by Kankuro's amateur incision, but rather, the introduction of chakra infused sand.
"Look what you did to the class: to your brother!" Sakura snapped, but Gaara found it too amusing to be scared of the infamous Haruno anger. "That wasn't a very nice thing to do, Gaara," she chided.
He shrugged, keeping his grin to a minimum however. "It's not my fault they were stupid enough to believe it was real."
Sakura groaned. "I don't get paid enough for this."
...
#14. The one where Gaara and Sakura have already met.
Six year old Sakura Haruno was having the best day of her life. She'd left the hotel, even though her parents had told her not to, and even though Suna was boring, at least nobody here was bothering her about her large forehead. She wanted to play, and there were no other kids near the hotel, so she headed straight for the closest playground.
It was currently empty, but by the look of things, there was more than one sandbox here–three to be exact.
The first sandbox was too cold–damp and bendy, it was like a waterfall, but of sand.
The second sandbox was too hard–she couldn't mould anything with that.
The third sand box was just right–soft without being cold, it was easy to shape and decorate.
But what to build...
"You're in my spot."
Sakura looked up, realising she suddenly wasn't alone. "Huh?"
"This is my sandbox."
No, there was no way this place belonged to someone. But the boy who had appeared out of nowhere (hugging a teddy bear to his chest) wouldn't stop staring at her like she was insane.
"Why don't we share it?" She asked, surprised by the shock on his face.
"You... want to play with me?"
Sakura nodded. He was... different, she thought, with dark red hair and black rings around his eyes–and the blush on his face was so totally cute. "My name's Sakura," she offered. "Yours?"
"Gaara," he said softly, sitting next to her tentatively. "And this is Teddy," he added, touching his bear gently.
She giggled. "Nice to meet you both."
"You're not from Suna."
It wasn't a question.
"How did you know?"
"You're not afraid of me."
She wasn't sure if he was being serious or not.
Perhaps thinking he was about to scare her away, Gaara changed the subject. "So... uh... how do you like Suna?"
"Well, it's boring really. But I like you."
"There isn't that much to do around here unless you have a fully functioning, loving family," he agreed, smiling at her subtle offer of friendship. She gave him a strange look, but he didn't want to explain.
"What about the academy? Are you a ninja in training?"
He shook his head. "I'm home schooled. But I can do this..."
"Woah..." Sakura grinned as sand gathered around her, taking the shape of a flower. "How did you do that?"
He returned her grin, offering her the flower. "Magic."
Sakura giggled again, holding out her hand to catch the moulded sand; leaning forward, she placed a chaste kiss on his cheek, and they both immediately blushed heavily.
After a few moments, Gaara cleared his throat. "Uh, Sakura?"
"Hm?"
"You're still in my spot."
And years later, a temperamental pink haired Kunoichi entered the chunin exams, met her childhood friend again (as a grumpy Shinobi), eventually fell in love, moved in with him and later, had lots and lots of babies. They all lived happily ever after. The end.
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Bordering on ridiculous, but oh so much fun to write. It did however, interfere with my ability to focus on anything else, so reviews will make me feel better about ignoring my other fics. ;) Lotsa love! ^_^
R&R.