Quinn watched them like she did every glee rehearsal. She stuck her noise in some book and pretended to read and she watched them. She watched him throw his big clumsy arm around her shoulders and her lean into him, a soft smile gracing her lips as she smiled contently. Quinn would see the dopey grin on his face and immediately feel like punching him in the nose to make it disappear. Then she would feel guilty for wanting to do that. It wasn't his fault, not really, not at all. It was her fault.
She knew without a doubt that Rachel would rather be with her because Rachel had told her that on many occasions, but Quinn was…she couldn't think of an adequate word for what she was. She wanted to say dumb but dumb didn't encompass all of it. It didn't encompass all the bad things she was and all the reasons she wouldn't let her and Rachel work out. Often, more than she liked to admit, she wondered what kind of person does that? What kind of person gets all they want and then watches as it slips away?
Rachel started with dignity, asking her to hang out, stealing kisses in the dark that Quinn would have willingly given her had she been a better person. It was all together fairly innocent and Quinn seemed in to it to Rachel. Quinn was in to it. She was eager and responsive and at times desperate when they got to kissing but after she stayed aloof and distant. It drove Rachel crazy. The kissing, the physical aspect, was nice even more than, but it wasn't everything. There were times when Rachel wanted to cuddle with Quinn and talk, but Quinn wouldn't talk, not about anything that mattered, not about what they were doing or what it meant. And it drove Rachel crazy.
She didn't know how to get Quinn to open up or what tactic to try next. She had tried heartfelt songs in the choir room that moved the brunette to tears but left Quinn untouched in the stands. She tried soft whispers of all the amazing things they could do together when they graduated, getting out of Lima, getting an apartment in the city, and being alone together, because she suspected it was this town and all the people in it, ignorant high school students with their even more ignorant parents, Quinn's parents, that made the blonde the way she was. Nothing seemed to work though. Rachel couldn't help Quinn work through her fears. She couldn't even reach the girl.
Quinn remembers the brunette's last effort with eerie precision. They had met in the auditorium. The diva stood waiting for her on the stage and as Quinn walked up to her staring at the shorter girl's back she knew. She knew this was the last time. If she didn't open up now, she would lose the one girl that had really tried to get to know her for who she really was, not just the act she projected to everyone, the one girl who had she seen the real Quinn, would have loved her all the more than she already did. But Quinn couldn't do it. She didn't understand it.
Rachel cried and became desperate, begging and pleading and making all kinds of promises to Quinn, and Quinn stood there cold and distant. She said nothing during the whole thing while inside her mind raced with everything she should have said and everything she felt. Outside she did nothing, just stood there like a statue. She felt like she was trapped in some awful play and her character had no lines. All her role was, was to stand there and watch as Rachel broke apart. Had she been a braver person she could've changed the outcome, played a part in her fate, but she wasn't, so she didn't.
Rachel fell to her knees, the effort of standing too much for her. All her energy was poured into trying to get Quinn to say something. She wrapped her arms around Quinn's waist. She pushed her head against that toned stomach and sobbed. Quinn wanted to tangle her hand in that luscious dark hair and tell Rachel to stop crying. She could feel the girl's hot tears soak through the material of her shirt. Rachel was holding on tightly, desperately trying to keep a hold of Quinn. Quinn wanted to tell her that she was right there and that she wasn't going anywhere ever and that she would always be there for Rachel. But she didn't. She didn't put her hand in Rachel's hair, didn't touch the other girl at all. She didn't say what she wanted to say. She stood there.
When it became apparent to Rachel that Quinn wasn't going to respond or do anything at all she stood up, embarrassed and humiliated and angry, and she didn't look at Quinn because she couldn't bare to see the blonde not looking back at her. She said one final thing, "I guess that's it then," in a harsh tone. She wrapped her arms around her torso and shook her head. Then she walked out of the auditorium and Quinn still just stood there. Eventually she left and she carried on with her day like nothing had happened. Rachel didn't show up to glee rehearsal and everyone chatted on and on about why she wasn't there because she had never missed before. Quinn pretended to be confused and concerned like everyone else.
The breakdown didn't come until later. She went home after school. She did homework. She ate dinner with her parents. Then she went for a run. She ran and ran deep into the woods behind her house. She ran until she couldn't breathe. She collapsed on the forest floor and started to cry. It wasn't a gentle cry. The sobs were deep and harsh. They ripped their way out of Quinn's body and it felt like there was a hole in her chest from the force of them moving through it to escape from her mouth. She stayed there all night crying, eventually drifting off to a fitful sleep filled with nightmares that wouldn't let her relax. No one came looking for her. No one cared to. She had chased away the only person who would have. She was sure her parents didn't even realize she was gone.
The next morning she dragged herself home feeling half dead. She showered and dressed. She went to school appearing to be the same calm and cool Quinn Fabray she always was. Rachel didn't return that day. The glee kids decided she must've been sick.
When she finally did return the following Monday, she seemed normal except for the fact that she didn't look at Quinn or talk to her or acknowledge her in any way. And Quinn felt guilty for sneaking glances at Rachel and for eavesdropping on her conversations or any conversations about her. It wasn't her right. She had forfeited any claim or curiosity she had for Rachel. So she focused on her schoolwork and kept her head in books.
The only times she would allow herself to look at Rachel was in glee rehearsal. It was the reason she didn't quit the club, but it was torture especially as the brunette started dating Finn but she thought at least the girl looked a bit happier, not by much but just a little bit.
Did Finn deserve Rachel? No. Did Quinn deserve Rachel? Absolutely not. Rachel deserved more than the world and neither Finn nor Quinn could give that to her. She hoped with everything inside of her that Rachel found that someday. Quinn hoped someday she could stop being the scared coward she was. But she didn't hope she could someday be the person who gave Rachel what she deserved because at the moment she thought it wouldn't ever be possible.